Years in the making part 1 (Long one)

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Feebs, May 17, 2017.

  1. Feebs

    Feebs New Member

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    Guys, I've been haunting these forums since about 2008. I've had a singular issue since around that time. Never posted a thing, but thought it about many times. I mainly used to browse the "Does she like me?" forums but I'm past that now. I've seen you guys give some real decent, intelligent, and caring advice, so I know you are capable of giving me some insight.
    I don't even know where to start...
    Basically, I've been in love with my best friend since we met. Seems like since the dawn of time but it's been...let's see..16 years. The feeling has always been the same, but I didn't truly realize what that feeling meant, or start to contemplate my sexuality until about 8 years ago. She and I had a wicked fight junior year of high school (2005) and didn't speak for two years. I had no idea where she was. I moved in with my boyfriend and everything was fine until I got hit out of nowhere with a rough case of depression. After a few months I realized that I was depressed because I missed her. When we had the fight and stopped speaking, initially, I was okay. It didn't break my heart or anything, I just focused all of my efforts into the life changes that graduating high school brings, moving out of my parent's house, college, boyfriend, work, etc. When I realized that I was missing her, I started to think about her everyday. Wishing desperately that she would somehow come back into my life. Just show up at my door. Then a few months later she did. She had been away at college, and was contemplating moving back home. She seemed a little different, a little softer, kinder, more appreciative than she had been years prior. She said she missed me, wanted to move back home and have a friendship again. The fact that I had focused every waking (and sleeping) moment for months on her coming back to me, and then to have her do just that, out of the blue, messed with me spiritually for while. I felt as if I had willed her back into existence. At this point in time I thought it was nothing more than just deep friendship. She and I had never been together physically, never talked about that, nothing of the sort. We just had a deep connection and chemistry. It was like no time had passed. We picked up right where we left off, talked out our issues from the past, and started hanging out constantly like we had done growing up.
    My bout with depression had put a real strain on my relationship with my boyfriend, and that started to deteriorate. My friend and I also started to include drinking in our hang out sessions. About six months into all of this, we were sitting on my back porch on a random Tuesday or something, and everything changed. We got to my porch, cracked our first beer of the afternoon and were sitting talking about nothing really, just normal stuff, when all of the sudden she turned her chair to face mine. Our knees were touching and put her hands on my knees. She said, "Look at me, I love you." "Not love you, I mean I REALLY love you." "Do you understand what I am saying?" She kept repeating this and I kept quiet, kinda knodding my head. I absolutely was freaking out on the inside. Inside of my head I was trying to ask myself what she meant, she had told me that she loved me before but this was the real deal. What did she really mean? Did she mean that she was in love with me? I couldn't even contemplate that question that I had never asked myself. So I just kept knodding until she quit talking and moved her chair back. I had said nothing. She said, "Well?" The only thing I could muster to say was "No one can fuck me up like you." We sat there smiling a each other for minute and that was that. We have never since had a serious, sober conversation about the way we feel for each other. After she left I realized that what she had just said, regardless of exactly what it meant, was what I had always wanted from her. We had been friends for seven years at that point, and I knew that if I had to wait another seven years to hear anything that sincere from her agian, that would be fine. Those seven years were worth the wait. If I never heard anything like that from her again, that would be okay too. But then I realized that I was in love with her. (the whole, "Holy crap I'm gay!" thing.) That waiting was not really okay, because I needed more clarity. But I was too afraid to bring up another conversation like that.
     
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    mariannek2u likes this.

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