Wow, didn't know I wanted to be single?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Mags, Oct 11, 2014.

  1. Mags

    Mags Active Member

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    Hello all,

    Been a while since I hit these forums, but they helped me oh so much when I was 16 so why not now when I'm 22? This is kinda in the right category, seeing as nothing else seemed to fit.

    So, for a very long time I have been pre-occupied with the idea of being in a relationship. VERY pre-occupied. I've had one serious girlfriend, two or three other "things," and plenty of crushes on straight girls. It's always been a nice little escape to me, to daydream about being with my current crush, or to have someone there to cuddle when I needed it. Also, I have a borderline unhealthy obsession with watching TV Shows & Movies with lesbian themes/characters. To a certain extent I guess this is normal, as we like to see ourselves being represented on TV and enjoy it in the way that a straight girl would enjoy a chick flick. But I think I've based my ideas of what being in a relationship is like on these TV shows, which is of course unrealistic.

    A while ago a few friends commented to me that they thought this behavior was unhealthy, and a way of dealing with something else. They also thought that I was sometimes being too full-on with people I liked, making them feel uncomfortable and pressured. At the time I saw it as taking a chance, and letting someone know that I liked them because how else are you going to know? But on reflection I realized that I was sometimes being very self-absorbed, and not thinking about how I would make the other person feel. I had to take a good hard look at myself, and admit that I'd done some things I really wasn't proud of.

    So I quit dating for a while and tried to just focus on my life and myself. I stopped having such intense crushes and dealt with a lot of emotional things that had been holding me back. I built a life up for myself where I felt happy being single and had plenty to keep me occupied. Then about half-way through this year I decided I would try my hand at dating, hopefully in a healthy way this time. I don't tend to meet a lot of gay people in my everyday life so I headed online and of course used a few mobile apps... I had quite a bit of interest from people, usually I wouldn't end up meeting them but I'd chat to girls and either it'd just fizzle out or I wouldn't be interested in them. But, there was one girl where I had a feeling there was really some potential there. I talked to her a lot, and she seemed to really like me too so that was good. One problem was she lived really far away from me, although in the same country. I didn't like the idea of making things serious when I hadn't even met her (I'm a big believer that you can't truly know until you meet someone,) so I put the brakes on a bit and arranged to meet up with her in a town half-way between our hometowns, while I was visiting my brother there.

    So I met her, and when I first saw her there was definitely some feeling there. She was pretty, and the kind of girl I would usually go for. We went out to lunch, had a good talk and she was very caring and interested in what I had to say. I'd told her a few things about my past already at this stage and she seemed very understanding and wanted to help me in any way she could, as well as very being very patient with me. But for some reason there was this massive feeling of unease and hesitation from me. I had experienced it just texting her sometimes, and couldn't for the life of me figure it out. I had thought all this time that I really wanted to be in a relationship, and here was this great girl that I couldn't find a problem with, yet I just felt scared and vulnerable. I tried to explain it to her but probably didn't do a very good job. I felt bad for her - I'd been hot and cold with her for quite a while and now she could see that I felt uncomfortable around her. I'm pretty sure it wasn't her that was the problem. Something in me wasn't ready to be romantic with someone, and even the thought of it made me feel scared. I'd feel uncomfortable when she said affectionate things to me, and wouldn't say such things back. I just felt very protective of myself, and I didn't to be physically or emotionally intimate with her, or anyone.

    I really didn't want to string her along so I told her that it wasn't the right time. Now I'm not really sure what to think, I don't know what this big hesitation and fear is about, and I'd like to figure it out. I think it's definitely possible to want something and fear it at the same time. Perhaps the obsession is because you fear it, and you're trying to counter-act it or figure something out. I don't know, but I'd be curious to hear if anyone else has similar experiences like this. How did you make sense of it? What did you do? Thanks so much for reading and for any advice anyone may have to offer.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think your friends; however well intended, had given you a complex about being too intense and being too fond of lesbian shows, even. (sheesh) While I wasn't there and didn't observe the nuances of your failed interactions, I don't think you need to dial down how you should feel about someone. You just need to find someone who would feel the same way back and ignore the voices that are in your head.

    We are all 1/2 (or for some of us 1/1, 1/3, 1/4, 1/....) of a match. I would meet this new found lady as friends and try to do fun things together. Online alone doesn't do it. You had it right before, how would you know if you don't show your own feelings. You had it right before, just that the person was not the right person. Good luck. :)
     
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  3. Mags

    Mags Active Member

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    Hey, thanks for the advice :)

    I think you're right - confidence isn't a bad thing, and lack thereof has stopped me doing this kind of thing for quite a while, so maybe that's why I'm not used to it. I think there were a few occasions where I crossed the line (one was a professional relationship to begin with,) and I can own that, but I guess it's time to let go of that guilt and move on.

    Also your statement about being 1/4 or 1/2 matches was really helpful, so thanks for that :)
     
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