Would you date a closeted girl?

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by koi, Aug 9, 2015.

  1. koi

    koi Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2015
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    4
    Hey AE! I've recently got my sights on this girl. A very social, proud and definitely out of the closet girl. However, I am still in the closet. Well, semi-closeted?

    In my particular case, if this girl and I were to date, I wouldn't mind letting people know, EXCEPT for my parents and a selective couple of cousins (if my aunts know = then it'll be a gossip marathon to my parents). I don't want my parents ever, ever knowing (yet?). I come from a very strict parental family. I feel that ignorance is bliss for my parents. Long story short, it'd just destroy them if they knew their only daughter was gay. So, I'm a "semi-closeted" girl. If I have a girl that I'm dating, I wouldn't care about PDA or my classmates/friends knowing I'm into chicks. I would tell my brothers and would be okay with telling my close friends. Just not my parents.

    So, my question is: would you date a closeted bisexual/lesbian? Why or why not? Is semi-closeted lesbians okay to date?
     
    #1
    ThenAndNow likes this.
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    No, I would not date a closeted girl.

    It is hard to know exactly how to address your situation without knowing more about you. How old are you, are you financially dependent on your parents, etc...?

    It sounds simple in your head 'I would date girls, but not tell my parents.' But it can be not so simple in real life- your parents could find out lots of different ways. Which leads to all this stuff in relationships 'you can't come over for Thanksgiving dinner, we can't tell my parents we are going on vacation together, etc...'

    This causes stress, guilt, fear, conflict and lots of other bad stuff. Ultimately, these torpedo the relationship.

    This doesn't mean that you are bad for being in the closet, you may have very good reasons for it (mom and dad paying for college, etc...) But you have to be realistic about your situation- being closeted and dating an out and proud girl is not likely to work.
     
    #2
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2015
    FingerSmith, greylin and rac like this.
  3. koi

    koi Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2015
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    4
    @Bluenote
    Well, in your case, have you ever dated a closeted girl? I just want some opinions if it's a good idea to involve myself with a very out girl, right now. I guess.

    I am still in university, and I'm running on scholarships (100% paid). I live with my parents because I am not finically independent. I plan on moving in 2 years to get into a medical-related school. Anyways, my family, distance and immediate, isn't a joy to be around. The girls I'm interested in are those really youthful type and liberal. My family members are all conservative, judgmental and close-minded (excluding my brothers). Typical Asian stereotypes, in my family. I dislike being around them, including my parents, aunts/uncles and cousins. If I were to move far far away, I would miss my parents, yes, but I wouldn't be that sad. I'm never entirely me, and I've lived this way for all my life, which is why I feel indifferent and negative towards them. But, despite that, I want my parents to feel proud and happy of me. If they knew I was into girls, it'd just break my parent's heart. I just want them to live a happy, ignorant life - because they're great hardworking parents, and they don't deserve a daughter who is this selfish. It's all very personal, and I hope you don't argue that I should come out. I'm at a time in my life that I'm struggling with myself - aspirations, friendships, school and loneliness. I just hope to get other out lesbians' opinion. Thanks
     
    #3
  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    Well, I am not pressuring you to come out. I think I said clearly in my opost that there can be good reasons not to come out. Financial dependance on parents who aren't accepting is certainly a good reason.

    If I were in your shoes I would wait to come out until I was financially independent, until I felt better about myself and until I had resolved some of my more global conflicts.

    But I wouldn't wait passively- I would continue working towards those goals. It seems like you have a plan- go to med school far, far away.

    As for dating- no, I would not date a closeted girl who lives with her non-accepting parents. There would be too much risk that they might find out. And, quite frankly, I am not worth a girl with a great future risking that for me. I am not worth potentially blowing a college education.

    Now med school you living far, far away from your parents would be different. I would date someone like that casually, but not seriously. I have seen a lot of closeted relationships blow up and people get really hurt. That's just my 2 cents.

    (For the record, I am married to a woman and out).
     
    #4
    greylin likes this.
  5. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    I haven't dated anyone who was semi-closeted (since I was, anyway, which was back in high school).
    I might date a semi-closeted girl - as in, go on a date, get some coffee, flirt a little.
    I wouldn't ask a semi-closeted girl to come out for me, because that's not a call I get to make.
    I wouldn't get serious with a semi-closeted girl, though, and here's why.

    For me, it's about the erasure and loneliness of the closet. I left it a long time ago. I have, at some points in my life, allowed myself to passively be closeted by other people's assumptions, mostly when I was single or casually dating. The closets I've experienced are made up of omissions, lies, assumptions, and half-truths - no, I haven't met any nice boys, eh, I wear my hair this way to be practical, she's my roommate, I cuddle with all my friends, sure that (male) celebrity is hot, etc. And they are marked with a constant worry which is wearing and exhausting and makes it hard to be your best, happiest self. All that said, it's a safe place to be for lots of people, for lots of reasons, and I believe that closeted folks have the right to make the call about whether the dishonesty and isolation is worth the safety. It often is, and sounds like right now it is for you, too.

    But I'm at a point in my life where it is not for me. I control my finances, where I live, where I work, and who my friends are; the risks of being out are far, far smaller for me than the emotional and social costs of being closeted. So though she might be great, and might have good reasons to make that decision for herself, I am not interested in allowing it to be made for me again, and to put my mental health, honesty, and happiness on the line. I don't want to have to be on guard, lie, or be erased from my partner's life. I don't want to contribute to/be the target of her stress as she maintains that lie. I don't want my relationship to fall apart because its health and wholeness are less important than the lie, which is in place for other other people's happiness.

    I've also seen closeted people do very destructive things, motivated by their fear of exposure and their need to maintain appearances - and they have done these things to close friends, lovers, and their children. It always seems justified and reasonable, and starts with the same small lies that my closets were made of. I would be worried about getting myself involved in a situation where I would be part of things like that, or hurt people so seriously.

    (Also out, obviously, and also married to a woman.)
     
    #5
  6. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2014
    Messages:
    274
    Likes Received:
    251
    My gf was semi-closeted so yes, it is doable. But complicated. There was a time that our situation messed with my head so much, I started to question the relationship. But it's good now, she recently came out to her parents.

    I knew coming out will be slow and difficult for her. I had to let go a lot of my expectations and understand that we cannot do some of the things I wanted to do as a couple. Communication helped a lot. There were times we both struggled for different reasons and talking about things, no matter how hard it was, helped keep our sanity and relationship (and the ladies here helped, too. A lot.)

    So yeah, it is not impossible but it will not be easy because one of you being in the closet can be limiting to the growth of your relationship. So eventually, you need to come out when you are ready. Because it is hard to be very happy over the long term when one of you can't really tell the world about the love you have for each other.
     
    #6
    Pump, greylin, Bluenote and 1 other person like this.
  7. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    516
    Likes Received:
    67
    I think it depends. It depends on whether the girl who is very out and proud can accept a semi-closeted person. You have to tell your parents some time, but you should do it when you feel ready to - and definitely not because your future / current girlfriend nags you to. There are things mentioned like financial dependence on your parents. If the girl really is the one for you right at this moment and you tell her about this then she'll accept it. If not, well you can move on. But at least you tried.

    As for me I would accept a semi-closeted person but I would definitely prefer someone who is out for sure. It just makes things easier instead of having to hide it.
     
    #7
    greylin likes this.
  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,148
    Likes Received:
    963
    There are people in this world that you can't say some things to or treat them like reasonable adults that you can talk to. Sometimes, those same people are your parents. I knew this girl who, all her adult life had picked up a bad habit of smoking and she could not tell her parents. She felt that no good would come of it if she had. They would have had always just addressed her from that day on as a smoking habit to be squashed. So, very sadly, she died later in a car accident but her parents still do not know, even today that she smoked. I am not comparing your sexuality to smoking. I am talking about why sensible adults sometimes keep secrets from their parents. Also, and this is very important, I am not talking about teens not being able to tell their parents stuff, that is a whole different ball of wax and it is almost always safer for them to share things that bother them than not.

    I think you are going to feel guilty telling them one day and at the same time you will feel regret not telling them. Either decision you make, you are not selfish. Either decision you make, you are just being yourself. Your parents have children, hopefully because they want to love a person so very completely and they will learn to adjust to variations that their children will bring to their lives. If they are to be disappointed in something so utterly normal and beautiful as your capacity to love another woman, then it is something they have to deal with. So, find that inner peace that you need first and then the decision of being out or not will fall into place. Don't do it to attract someone. I can sit here and say all kinds of stuff about what I want in a partner, but you know, sometimes, someone comes along and doesn't check all the vital boxes can still be the someone that I want to cleave unto for the rest of my life.

    I hope one day, no one has to "come out" of anything just to love somebody. I hope one day this is not even a issue and there is no more advice thread needed on the topic.
     
    #8
  9. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2013
    Messages:
    170
    Likes Received:
    168
    You need to find someone who is respectful of your situation. Nobody should come out until they feel comfortable with it. But, that doesn't mean you shouldn't date. Be honest about your situation and let her know what your limits are. Things will eventually change, but chances are that other girls your age are going through the same thing you are. Don't worry too much about not being able to find someone to date.
     
    #9
    greylin, ThenAndNow and xcrunnergirl like this.
  10. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2016
    Messages:
    106
    Likes Received:
    118
    This is kind of old and am not sure if anyone checks but I'll write it anyway.
    I did date a lesbian woman, who's never coming out. We live in a post-socialist country but while I'm completely out, she's not out to anyone but me. we've had a few years of history before we dated in secret for like 6 months. During that time I even met her homophobic mother once. Me and this woman that I was dating started arguing more and more. I tried being patient but I was living a double life because of trying to be supportive (due to her not being out and other factors too) but I couldn't take it so one night we broke up. It's not completely over between us. She's back with the guy she's been "dating" on and off for a few years (time to mention she's 10 years older than me) and I'm currently single with one relationship since the break up and many flings and one night stands (don't judge me)...
    Conclusion-will I ever date a woman who's in the closet? probably not, due to my past experience. I can be there for her as a friend but not as her secret lover. If you're with me, you gotta be with me openly. I can't be put back in the closet. Took me long enough to come to terms of who I am and to deal with people's shit (including my family) so I'm proud to be out.
     
    #10
    FingerSmith, Jane Doe and greylin like this.
  11. rebeccajennings21

    rebeccajennings21 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2013
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    5
    Personally i would date a closeted girl aslong as we had some understanding that she would attempt to make some steps towards coming out if things got serious. At the end of the day for a relationship i was in to be successful, i would want to be comfortable being who i am with the person im with around everyone in my day to day life. I could not be happy hiding who i am, in saying that i am from Australia and we are very privileged to have the ability to be open. I understand many other cultures/countries arent the same.
     
    #11
    greylin and Bluenote like this.
  12. rawr_balrog

    rawr_balrog Member

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2016
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    6
    I was once in the position of the semi-closeted girl. For clarity, by "semi-closeted," I mean my friends, for the most part, all knew I was bi, and while my (Catholic) parents probably had their suspicions, I had never actually addressed the issue with them--which was an issue, as I was living at home. I was lucky enough to meet a lesbian on OK Cupid who was willing to give a bi girl a shot, and we dated casually for a short time. However, I had already long resolved that I would never ask someone to be a secret from my family. So when I imagined introducing her to my parents as my girlfriend and immediately panicked, I knew I had to break it off. It was a shame, because she was great, but I clearly wasn't ready, and I thought it would be unfair to bring her into my life like that when I still had issues to resolve.

    In retrospect, I kind of wish I had been able to get my head out of my ass, as we had a lot of interests in common, and I have a lot of trouble meeting girls despite being in a better place now, but I still think it was the right decision, at least for me. Another couple could probably make the semi-closeted thing work--and she might have waited for me to be ready, but I would have felt too guilty about it.

    I don't know if this was in any way helpful, but I guess the tl;dr of my response is that you really have to know yourself and what you want and are willing to accept of yourself (not to mention in a partner).
     
    #12
    greylin and Bluenote like this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice