Work crush

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Streetvibezz, Oct 16, 2016.

  1. Streetvibezz

    Streetvibezz New Member

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    Please delete thread
     
    #1
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2016
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I would avoid someone who does not have the emotional honesty to deal with her current relationship. Because even if she has the best amicable split with her girlfriend and get together with you, you will have issues with her once you become "the wife".

    She is already stepping out emotionally on her partner at home. She is unhappy at home and should deal with her relationship without latching onto someone else. Her mantra of not able to have an affair is her excuse to keep up things with you and keep things going with her girlfriend who "needs her". What does her girlfriend need anyway, someone who no longer wants her? Please don't get into that mess. Let her deal with stuff and once she is single you can see if you still want to be with this person. If she cannot be emotionally honest, then you need to be to preserve your expectations of what you want in a relationship.
     
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  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    That's legit - when my texting buddies who adore me and I am keeping on the hook with hints about how my relationship is on the rocks but I am soooo loyal but if I wasn't they would have a chance - when they back off, I want to know where my pseudo-girlfriend went, too!

    Sorry. </snark> This woman's behavior makes me pretty uncomfortable, as does the implication that if you want to remove yourself from this potential mess, you have to justify that very sensible decision. You don't; if she wants to know what's wrong, you do not have to say anything, or say, "Nothing, just not into texting."

    If you want to be honest, you can do that too. "Well, I'm pretty uncomfortable being in this position - third wheel with an acknowledged crush, party to all your secrets, and an object of suspicion in your relationship. For my own well-being, I need some space. Thanks for understanding and respecting my decision, and I'll let you know if/when I want to resume this friendship."
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Let's break this down. There is the practical way to look at this and there is the moral way. I don't want to make assumptions about your moral code, so let's start with the practical look.

    You are wondering if this woman could be a hook up, someone you date, or a gf.

    If you are looking for a hook up, this woman is not for you. She has too much bagage for a nice, clean hook up. You work with her, she has a gf and she is manipulative. Something with that will go sideways. You don't need the gf causing work drama, hot crush screwing with your head (more on that later) or falling for someone in such a messy situation. If you want a hook up, there are plenty of hot girls out there - who don't work with you.

    If you are looking for a gf, she's not the girl for you. If they will cheat with you, someday, they will cheat on you. And yes, this woman is cheating with you. It's called an "emotional affair." She's not having sex with you, but she is undermining her emotional relationship with her gf to be emotionally close with you. Not cool. Go down that path and you will eventually be the gf pushed aside for the mistress.

    To top this all off, she is manipulating you. She is using all the classic bs lines 'I could never leave my gf, she needs me too much.' 'I am telling you things that I have never told anyone.' You are only getting her side of the story- that the gf is needy and dependent, that their relationship is dead, that you are special.

    But what is the other side of the story? What if you aren't special? What if the gf is so quickly suspicious because hot girl has cheated before? What if hot girl knows that lines like 'I have never even told my family this,' work. I mean. Really- you have known her for a month and you mean more to her than her sister / brother / bff / gf, etc...? That doesn't pass the bullshit test to me. What if the gf is a sweet girl who doesn't deserve any of this?

    And yeah, it's screwed up that hot girl is pushing you to text her. She is not acting like someone new to, or conflicted about having an affair with you. She is acting like an experienced player, tbh.

    Now for morals. Morally, I am opposed to cheating. Yrmv.
     
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  5. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    If hot girl is getting emotionally tangled with new friends, confide in them within a few weeks about her relationship troubles, and stays with her girlfriend because she "needs her"... yeah, I find myself unshocked that her girlfriend has low self-esteem. When we are not valued by our partners (who we believe to be better/more attractive/more valuable than ourselves), we have little reason to value ourselves. People who are afraid that they are worthless do unhealthy, desperate things to feel that they are valuable to others, including demanding proof through ultimatum and control.

    If girlfriend is needy to the point of control, violent (read: abusive) during arguments, and is herself manipulating hot girl into staying out of guilt/obligation, then this relationship is unhealthy and emotionally and/or physically abusive. Your friend is doing neither her girlfriend nor herself any favors by staying. HOWEVER, getting free is her decision, and it only doubles the dysfunction for her to use that shit to get close to you while also staying entangled with girlfriend.

    IMO, hot girl = hot mess. Stay clear.
     
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  6. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Sensible. Good luck keeping yourself safe and honest!

    Is this you talking, or hot girl? Because breakups with intertwined assets are a pain in the ass, but they are hardly impossible; people dissolve marriages that are much more complicated. I'm still going to say that if they are emotionally abusive, anyone is staying out of obligation, or there is violence in their arguments, then closing a joint bank account or breaking a lease is worth it.

    (That's not your problem, of course, nor should you get involved. But just to be frank.)
     
    #6
  7. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Yikes. Well, I hope it works for them...?

    ( I know you got what you need and kudos for taking healthy steps and all that, and the only reason I keep commenting is because there is never an obligation/situation/cohabitation/dysfunction so serious that breaking up is no longer allowed. It is always allowed! Whatever reasons/justifications keep them involved, that is their business, but it's not like ending it is against any physical, natural, or societal law.)
     
    #7

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