Women (and DATING) are so frustrating!

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Leta, Mar 1, 2017.

  1. Leta

    Leta New Member

    Mar 1, 2017
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    Ok, so even though the thread title is a generalization, I am actually here to vent about one particular occurrence. I find this thing that happened to me is just a pattern with the ladies in this age. So to start from the beginning.

    I live in a very queer open and friendly city. A few weeks ago, I attended one of the usual lesbian events. And I met a girl. We clicked right away and made out and talked the entire night. Both mine and her friends all ended up going home, but we stayed until the closing in our little 'bubble'. I was quite taken with her, and I thought it war reciprocated. To clarify, neither of us was drunk, which made everything a lot more genuine in my mind. At the end of the night when I asked her if I could see her again she said 'maybe' but in a flirtatious manner, kinda playing hard to get, or that's what I thought it was.

    The day after I texted her, making small talk and asking her out to which she responded that she wasn't looking for anything serious. Even though I appreciated her honesty, it quite annoyed me that she assumed right away that I wanted a relationship (what happened with taking things slow, going out on a date and see where it goes!?). Anyway, after I said I was fine with casual (just because I like giving people a chance before I personally decide if I want to even go on a second date) she said yes, that she would like to go out with me. She even proposed the day, however I couldn't make it that week, and we decided to do it some other week when we are both not busy. Fast forward a few days, I texted her again casually to see if she is still down, to which she responded with yes. After some small talk she abruptly ended the conversion, not answering something trivial I asked her. It has been few days since then, and there is no response. And honestly, there is no way I am gonna chase her around.

    Now I am not stupid, and I know this probably means she is not interested, however the thing that frustrates me soooo much about this generation of women, particularly in their early twenties (which I belong to as well) is that there is so much fake affection, dishonesty and games. If she had not wanted anything in the first place, why say yes TWICE and then just ghost me. I understand why people give their numbers even when they are not interested. It is just easier than to flat out say 'no' (and I am guilty of doing this on occasion as well). However, where does the need to further lead people on come from!? Isn't it just much easier politely rejecting in the text (if she couldn't do it in person, for whatever reason) if there is no interest, and leaving it at just a fun one night type of thing?

    And this just seems to be a common pattern, that makes me want to give up on dating completely. People are just either desperately seeking for partners, or on the complete opposite end, only wanting something casual. Again, what happened with meeting people first and then deciding if you want something casual, relationship or even nothing at all? Everything, when it comes to dating, has become so calculated and cold.

    To end this rant, I want to know if anyone out here has an opinion on this stuff, and even if you think I am completely wrong that's fine. Also, have you ever been in a similar situation where you are 'the girl from my story' and what would be the reasons you would act in a similar manner as she did?

    I apologize for any incoherence, and going of on tangents in this post. I am mad, sad and pmsing.
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    It's not just your generation that plays games -- trust me, we've all been there. And many of us here have sat and pondered the very same questions you're asking...shrugging our shoulders, throwing our hands in the air, and saying "I got nuthin'".....

    Maybe the mixed signals happened because you met, then instantly made out and it was really really intense and great for that one night -- particularly in the absence of alcohol...maybe that conveyed a message other than "not serious" or "casual"....and yeah, I've been there...in a club, making out with people, thinking it was innocent....and either finding myself wondering why there wasn't a second date and what did I do wrong... to wondering why I can't get rid of someone who likes me more than I like her...

    For all you know she's dating other people and was more taken with one of them...or the excitement of one night wore off...who knows? For all you know, you came off as more interested in her than she was willing to give in return. If I were in your shoes, I would've thought the same thing: this girl likes me...and I'm cool with casual so let's date and see if this goes anywhere....

    The point is, you can't let this affect YOU. There's a lot of women out there who are genuine -- who don't believe in playing games or who become disinterested after the thrill of the chase is gone. Try not to take it personally; some people are just emotionally defective or way too into themselves to realize how their actions affect others. And some people just don't know how to communicate how they honestly feel.

    Try to stay cautiously optimistic about dating. Spend time focusing on you -- being happy with yourself, because there's no denying that confidence is attractive.
    greylin, Bluenote and wonderlust like this.
  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    I haven't been the girl from your story, but I've been YOU, and I've gotten to know that girl pretty well.

    My story is similar, except we were a little younger, and made out pretty hardcore at a party after several flirty encounters. After the party, we took a walk through dark, quiet neighborhoods, had an intense conversation on some swings, and watched the stars (with a few more makeouts). I thought it was the beginning of a relationship; she thought is was the prelude to a hookup. I thought the kissing was indicative of our interest and connection with each other, but to her, it was actually the main event (or part of the main event), and the thing she was there for. The part I was looking for - the relationship - was not even on her radar as a thing she wanted or was thinking about during our impromptu makeout session on the dance floor, and she was actually pretty uncomfortable when I asked, "so, can I have your number?" and made it clear that I didn't really want to go straight to her place.

    She told me, pretty directly, that she did not "do relationships," and I said that I didn't do short-term hookups; I'm very grateful for this honesty. We kissed one last time, and went our separate ways.... and spent years running into each other, eventually ending up as roommates (who never dated or slept together, despite our no-pants-acceptable roommate policy). But that's another story.

    The point is, even something that seems as unambiguous to you as intense attraction and physical closeness might mean something very different to the person you're sharing that with. Not everyone is looking for one night stands, and not everyone is looking for relationships, but the leadup to both in a bar looks pretty similar and it's not that surprising that folks get their wires crossed. And when that happens, there's a pretty strong social pressure to play it cool - give your number, just go home with her because she's hot, hope for the best, go on a few dates. I think people on both sides tend to assent to things they're not 100% sure about (like her saying she wants to hang out, or me agreeing to this midnight walk) because they are hoping that either (a) it's on the path to the thing they want, and their read on the situation was okay after all, or (b) they will find that they want/are okay with a relationship or hookup, because they would LIKE to want that experience.

    People in the process of growing up - and that early-twenty-something brain is literally just barely done maturing, so there's a lot of reasoning that "this generation" hasn't had a ton of time to practice and enact - make some crappy mistakes, and behave in less-than-kind ways. Continue to be clear about what you want; be vigilant for crossed wires; be kind and honest to yourself and these other women, and expect the same.

    (And: the people in the middle may be the ones not served by clubs, bars, and "lesbian events." I've met all my partners through Saturday-afternoon types of hobbies, and I'm a girl who was never desperate for a wife or running scared from commitment. Maybe also try diversifying your social events/networks to help you meet these different kind of women? Crazy is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result, after all.)
  4. Spud84

    Spud84 Member

    Jul 27, 2013
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    Recently gone through the same thing, I'm in your position, this girl (late 20s) just stopped talking after 2 months. Being left hanging and wondering WTF is going on isn't nice at all.

    I don't know if my girl freaked out because I'm leaving the country for a year in the summer (she knew that from the start, we discussed the potential heartbreak but also long distance), or she found someone else, or she's going through some stuff, or I read her wrong all this time and she's a selfish ignorant mind f*cking you know what lol who knows! We had always said we could just be friends and that had never changed for me so I don't get why she can't be honest and communicate now. I haven't chased her since she went silent, learnt that lesson the hard way once with another girl, live by experience. But if the reason for her silence is me leaving then I don't want to pressure her either.

    Whatever their reasons are for going silent they are theirs and theirs only. I'm still going out, doing things that makes me happy......life doesn't stop and its too short to wonder about the things thats out of our control such as the girls who can't talk to you. At the end of the day if they don't communicate with you now then it doesn't look good for a future relationship. All you can do is keep your head up, theres better out there waiting for you.
    greylin likes this.

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