Why this? Why now....

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Pavement, Feb 19, 2017.

  1. Pavement

    Pavement Member

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    So, I am in angst and I dont know what to do with this girl. I feel like if I dont make a move I will regret it forever, but I also don't understand where shes coming from. I attempt to lead the conversations into hypotheticals but she takes a weird left turn with me sometimes.
    To start from the beginning, Ive known this girl a while. We go to school together and we were part of the same study sessions. At first she seemed really stuck up, like those snotty materialistic name brand dripping girls. I know better, and I know better than to fall for a straight girl, nonetheless.....she was fun to look at occasionally. And as the semester went on, she was actually pretty damn cool. She is a very attractive girl and was always talking about her ex's and this and that. She never specifically mentioned the ex being a male or female...we all just assumed. The only real time it seemed funky to me was when we were talking about her living with an ex and as opposed to saying him she said they're...they were, they did. Whatever. Didnt read too much into it. Well next semester rolls around and I didnt see her. Id talk to her every once in a while through text but nothing outside of Uni related stuff.

    Finally this last semester I ran into her and after a few minutes of talking it turned out we had a few classes together. So, first class rolls around and I didnt feel obligated to sit next to her but she was like, if you have a friend come on over. So now this is where i am. We study a lot together. She's a funny girl and she thinks Im funny so, we just spend most study sessions laughing. Again, I didnt think anything of this....the usual ex this ex that. Last week I got into an argument with this girl I had seen a few months back and she just happened to fight with me while we were taking a break from studying. (over the phone) So, out of frustration I was like...I dont understand women anymore. I went on about how I had no interest in pursing anything with this girl because she did me wrong but I still felt somewhat attached to her. (hanging out etc)

    So, she begins giving me some advice and before i knew it, that ex she always brought up was a girl. She didnt flat out say, Im gay. She simply said yeah this girl didnt love me and I loved her. We discussed how hard it is to love someone but know they're not right for you. (I dont mean the girl I was arguing with, I mean my first and only love I've ever had) So before I knew it we had managed to talk up a storm about the troubles of dating women. Now, I am looking to get into a graduate program 4 months from now. I mentioned to her that I had no interest in pursing a relationship with a girl at the moment because of this. I'll be busy and wont have much in terms of finances. I simply said, its nice to have someone to hold a few nights a week. And she said yeah thats usually what Im good at. And pretty much everything I was saying that drove me crazy about women, she was turning around on me and saying, yeah Im like that. Thats just like me. I was a bit upset over my phone conversation earlier so I didnt think much of this. I just thought it was weird. Well after this day, seems like our friendship took a turn. We've been texting everyday since. most of the time she starts the conversation but nonetheless, Im developing feelings for her and there's subtle flirting in the text. I dont want to make her uncomfortable, so I throw it in there and now I feel like an idiot because I dont know what Im setting myself up for. Shes pretty spoiled and I think because shes so pretty shes used to getting attention, so I keep telling myself this is the only shes seeking my attention. Shes asked me to come over a few times but always ends up cancelling or having something come up. On a regular basis she just teases me and makes jokes about us but I dont know how to take this because shes always bringing up her ex. It kills me. And it also kills me because again, I have a lot coming up. I cant realistically make time for her....or feel I have anything to offer her. Im broke and will be so for the next 3 years at least. Shes a material girl and I dont like that, but I cant help but think she has feelings for me....or just likes the attention I give her. either way, I am investing feelings I shouldnt and it hurts. My head hurts from thinking about it and having to hear about her ex at least once a day just seems like a red flag. Im hurting and mad, sad. but again, feel like I cant let this pass me up if there is something...any advice? Is this ex thing a red flag?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think you have not found the right woman yet. And being single, it is easy to have stray feelings for someone you spend time with. Whether you are broke and have no time, you still have romantic feelings in search of someone.

    She is your friend is all. Just for cancelling out on you lots makes her a very casual friend who has found a friendly ear to talk about her unresolved feelings for her ex. Even if she is attracted to you she is not ready for you. I feel that she is in some ex fog there.

    Also, please don't judge her for how she likes to live and spend her money. It is unfair. And if you have mentioned anything about her being spendy on stuff, that could be the reason she didn't want you over ultimately. People seek approval more than you think and often can sense disapproval.
     
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  3. Pavement

    Pavement Member

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    I want to apologize, I didn't mean the whole "big spender" thing as such a negative thing. i can see how that came off as ignorant and I apologize. I guess for me, its more of an insecurity thing BECAUSE I've chosen to really really really cut my finances for this program I want to do and it is not anything I've ever held against her or used to belittle her. If anything I use it to belittle myself and I think thats my biggest issue. Id love to be able to do more but I cant. I mean I can, but that would mean sacrificing a career I've been working so hard to get to.
    Now I can update:

    Turns out she does like me. She is attracted to me and after talking she said she wouldnt be opposed to dating. We've hung out a few times actually now and we seem to be spending a lot of time together. I mean, I really like her but as the post said before I dont know what to do. I want to pursue more. We agreed to take it slow. And we're not exclusive but I dont know where to go from here. I am one confused sucker in puppy love. I feel like this financial insecurity of mine will lead to our demise. Its just bad timing I guess :( I gave up independence and a great paying job to come back to train in the medical field and I am feeling like this is all bad timing. I feel like I should stop hanging out with her but cant. It just....well....hurts.
     
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  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    If you needing to keep to a tight budget and free/low-cost activities is a dealbreaker for her, then she's not really that into you, and not willing to accommodate your life and needs. If you are nervous about your tight budget and what that might suggest about you, try reframing it this way: you are putting in time and effort (and financial risk), as an investment in your future happiness, stability, and ability to contribute to a home and partnership. That is something someone who wants to be your partner for more than a few spendy dates should appreciate.

    My wife and I started dating when she was a student; some few months in, I quit my well-paying job because I was miserable and had to try something brand new. We have been through the ringer, finance-wise, but it honestly never strained our relationship because the thing we wanted was to spend time together.

    Some free/cheap ideas for dates:
    - Picnics are hella romantic, but bread and cheese and fancy chocolate in a park is pretty inexpensive!
    - Museums have a free day (pretty much all of them!). Some also have half-off Friday nights, often with food trucks and dance parties and special programs for adults.
    - Art walks/gallery openings - often there are free refreshments, plus art and classy people
    - Cooking together - can be something fancy and delicious, but lots of recipes (fresh pasta, for example) are actually pennies in ingredients.
    - If there are Moth or Mortified or other story-telling events in your city, those are cheap ways to go to a show. Plus they are usually hilarious.
     
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  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Maybe the financial thing is in your own head -- unless she's said something to you, are you projecting your own insecurities onto her?

    Finances don't have to be a deal breaker as long as you're on the same page about where you're going. You have a goal and a purpose and it's not like this is going to be forever. It's a temporary place while you work toward something better. I started a business where the wife went back to grad school....talk about timing (it wasn't ideal but things just sorta happened that way) and during the time I didn't take a salary for a year. The best thing about that year was that it taught us how to appreciate being frugal so that the best things weren't finance-based.

    Spending time together is about quality -- not how much money you have. As someone said, museums, cooking together, hiking, etc. can be fun without costing a fortune.
     
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I met my wife just before she went back to Medical School. She (and then we) had to watch our money for forever. If you care about someone, you find ways to make it work. I knew what I was signing up for and it didn't matter to me.

    We did lots of low cost stuff like hiking, picnics, having friends over for dinner.

    Don't put the cart before the horse. If you see obvious red flags (abuse, drug problems, plays games, is hung up on an ex) run.

    But right now you two are just casually dating. So worrying about issues like finances- kinda premature. Just enjoy dating her. Be upfront about your money and school situation. If she runs- ok, that's her right. If she doesn't run- just enjoy casually dating for awhile.
     
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  7. Pavement

    Pavement Member

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    Hey I really appreciate all the input with the financial stuff. She doesn't seem too bothered by it because we're still able to hang out and do stuff. Its just compared to the finances she has coming in it simply makes me feel low. I mean she's been pretty transparent with it all and so have I. Everything is still in the very casual stages and Im not sitting here thinking she's my soulmate, but it's ironic and annoying the fact that all this time I've been in school I have managed to keep myself isolated from dating and getting distracted, yet with her....I just feel like if I don't at least give it a shot I will hate myself after everything is done. The dinner thing is funny cause I actually cooked her dinner last weekend. So, here it is. Here I am I guess. As for my future, I mean shes very encouraging and knows where my true passion is with this program. She helps out sometimes, but I am very aware that if the finance thing is a dealbreaker, of course shes bad news. Things are still so fresh with us that I think we're just really trying to get to know eachother across the semesters. Its been fun. As for the ex......I mean it still comes up and I never know how to react to it but, at least I have her attention I guess. haha. She has this other friend who makes it painfully obvious she likes her and I think she could tell that it was kind of bothering me (which we're not exclusive) but it still gets under my skin. She has assured me several times this girl is just a friend and isnt attracted to her or sees her in any past a friend. (I guess now I just feel bad for that girl)

    Its been a very very long time since I've been in such a vulnerable position but Im glad Im at least taking a shot. Her being so damn pretty has had me doubting myself and even with this insecurity she's told me that I am more than capable of getting a girl like her or anyone I desire. She really does have this side that makes me feel at peace. Its a nice balance between the craziness that often surrounds me with school. Im treading lightly but still, I cant help but get a bit nervous. We shall see. Thank you for all your kind words.
     
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  8. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    You have so many things going on right now that require timelines, good planning, budgeting, etc...all necessary when attending school, living on a set income, and working toward a future career....

    "Love" (or attraction, lust, whatever it is right now), does not ever really fit nicely into one's plan, timeline, or budget.
    In a way, it is like lightening...unpredictable, exciting, beautiful, and scary when it strikes!

    You have lots of stuff you need to manage and control right now...try to let yourself enjoy the parts of your life you really do not have to control. Let it happen. If you like spending time with her and she with you, then do that when you can. Don't over-think it. Don't over-plan it. Don't over-question it. Don't overspend on it. Tune into the here and now with her. Pay attention to what is going on right in front of you. If she gives you her time, receive it. If she lets you know you are worth her attention, accept it. What an awesome treasure it is to find joy and companionship in someone, even if only for a season.

    The more you attend to now (what is happening for real, not what might happen down the road... if this, this, and this occur), the better able the two of you will be at discerning if this is what you both want, and who you want.
    If it develops into love for both of you, the two of you will figure out what you will need to do to nurture it and plan for it together. Be honest and genuine, and allow her the comfort to do the same with you. Authenticity from both of you will give you the information you need to know if you are a good match, ultimately.

    With all of that being said, on a personal note, I found myself wondering from your original post, why you are even interested in this girl if you think she is a materialistic, pretty girl, who is snotty and probably straight! LOL!
    AND then I realized you maybe hit a nerve for me! :pHa!
    So, I will caution you that one's early perceptions of money or privilege are not always accurate, fair, or necessarily relevant. And, often, finances have a way of changing over time...BUT it is a person's values, belief systems, and behaviors which tell you much more about her character....

    Here's a story,for instance: When my Big Love and I first met, she admitted (much later) that she thought I was a very pretty, spoiled, straight girl (OUCH!)....She was a hard-working para-professional in the mental health field advocating for the down-trodden, while struggling to grow her house-painting company, driving a beat-up old Toyota truck,dating lots of ladies, and living in an old townhouse she was renovating when she had any "extra" time or money, of which she had very little. She thought because I was living in a condo I owned at age 24, driving a new car, and going to graduate school (while I worked full-time), that I must have a rich family taking care of my bills, which could not have been further from the facts or my actual upbringing. What she didn't know upon first meeting me was that I was uber-responsible, obsessively hard-working, determined to be successful, fiercely financially (emotionally & socially) independent, and, apparently,...Not Straight!
    We enjoyed each other's company incredibly, and we ignored the not-so-subtle-warnings from others that we seemed like a short-lived, passionate mismatch. We did not fit into each other's "plan." It was not convenient; that is certain. Neither of us was seeking a serious, life-partner at the time. I said yes to a ride in her old truck, because she was really cute and charming...and funny as hell.
    Twenty-one years later, though, we are still perfectly mismatched, and I joke that I could not have found a finer mate for my soul if I had searched the world over looking for her. Finances have changed at times for us. After graduate school, I began working in my profession and became our primary bread-winner while she painted houses on the weekends and attended law school all week. We raised children together (unexpectedly! - a separate story.), which re-orders that budget, as well. We each now own our businesses, which means lots of investment emotionally, financially, and in time, time, time, outside of just Us....Sometimes,now, we attend events at places like country clubs, where we are expected to dress rather "fancy" and make donations to important causes! But our Favorite Dates together are still, By Far, the low-budget ones that may include a long drive, a hike with the dog, and carry-out! Those are always the Best! ;)

    Best wishes to you! Don't let your insecurities about money, yourself, or other people mess up what might be a good thing. Try to enjoy the journey as much as you can allow yourself while it is happening. It is impossible to plan for when and where exactly lightening will strike! :)
     
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  9. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    WORD. Don't get me wrong...a nice dinner out and the once-in-a-while occasion to be fancy can be nice. But give me perfection in the form of a hike, dogs and take-out food any day!
     
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  10. Pavement

    Pavement Member

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    well, thank you ladies! All for your advice. It's been a pretty sweet last few weeks, so I am taking it day by day and trying not to freak out along the way. We manage to spend a lot of time together and I love it. She really is a great girl. I took her to hang out with a bunch of friends of mine and they loved her and she loved them. (works better for me cause they just talk me up) haha! I mean, in all honestly, I know its cliche and over said, oversimplified and used but I am a pretty genuine person. Most things I do, whether it be for family or friends, I do it unconditionally and with lots of respect for the people in my life and she says I seem to have a good heart. That's why she likes me. That and I can make her laugh. So, she has managed to treat me to dinner on several occasions which is strange because Im usually the one doing this. So, this isn't exactly new territory for me, but its been awhile since I've walked this path. I am very careful with who I let into my life which is why I think i've managed to keep such close and genuine friends. I think that translated well when we all hung out. The truth is, I am a total sucker for this girl right now and its scaring me. But again, I am attempting to enjoy these moments with her even if it doesn't last long. I am also trying to change this negative thinking that often comes over me about us. I often find myself refusing to take steps because my cynical thinking just assumes it'll end eventually. So, at first I was thinking maybe she just likes me because Im damn good at school and wants the help but that's been disproved. Then I thought maybe because she likes to be spoiled, and again that's been disapproved.
    Im sure my posts reek of my insecurities but Ive really turned my life around. School wise and healthwise, Ive lost a mammoth amount of weight and everyone around me is constantly reminding me of how great I am, but I am scared. Luckily these voices seem to be silenced more and more, but I am human. So, we shall see. The only thing that has me bumping my head against the wall is the fact that occasionally she'll invite that one friend that likes her to come hang out with us and I try not to make it obvious Im uncomfortable, we're not yet exclusive, but I feel like she's dangling meat in front of me. (not to objectify women in any way lol) If she is a friend, I am not the controlling type that requires you to check in with me or feel like I need to always be around you and other people, but nonetheless.....this girl will tag along and I can feel this girl glaring at me through her eyes. Again, she's assured me shes just a friend but I still feel like pulling her hair when she shows up. I mean, what the hell is that about?
     
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