Why is it harder

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Maroon, Jan 28, 2018.

  1. Maroon

    Maroon Member

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    Hi there to whoever is still active in this community.

    I'm 30 this year, asian, still in the closet, just broke up, and wondering how I survived being on my own before I started being in 3 relationships(one after another) since i was 20 (late bloomer, I know).

    It seems lonelier when people around me are married, or attached.

    I may sound like a sore loser now because I'm pretty down.

    When I was attached, it seemed that all my plans were with that girl, and when we're no longer together, it feels like I have no one. Nor have any plans at all.

    Is it really harder to be on my own when I'm now older?
     
    #1
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    It is not harder to be on your own when you are older. Break ups are tough and people of any age go through grief with a break up.

    The trick is not to get stuck in the grief. First, you say all your plans were with your ex. That is not healthy, so now is a good time to change that. One way is to get involved in activities- join a club, join a choir, volunteer at a museum, join a meet group that goes to movies, etc... That is a way to be social and active, without just being with a girl.

    Second, don't compare yourself to other people. It's easy to see your friends dating and think "oh, they are so happy." But you don't really know what goes on behind closed doors. Statistically, half of your friends' relationships will fail. Others will stay together, but will face occasional rough times. Those friends that look so happy in public may be privately fighting, cheating, disagreeing on finances, etc...

    It is normal to be down after a break up. It is normal to sometimes feel sad and lonely. It is ok to cry and to admit the things you miss about dating. The sadness doesn't last forever, however. Just like any loss, if you allow yourself to grieve, the pain fades. However, it can prolong your grief to get stuck in unrealistic thoughts like "I will never find anyone," or "everyone has someone but me." You will eventually date again if you want. You are going through a difficult time, but it is temporary and it won't last forever.

    Be kind to yourself.
     
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  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    From where I am sitting, 30 is really young. I just opened the papers recently (that is older people speak for browsing a news site) and there was a headline about how adolescence goes till 25 nowadays. I have friends who have kids your age and they still feel very much needed as parents. What I mean is, you have a long, happy life to create for yourself independent of others.

    I know what you going through really really hurts. It is so hard to build something together only to see it gone or divvied up at best. It is also very lonely what is happening right now. However, this is also the time to be really kind to yourself and let the each day call away more pain and bring forth renewal. Some of the most peaceful time I ever had was being alone. Hugs and I'll be sending you strength and light.
     
    #3
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2018
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  4. AEM

    AEM Member

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    Just take it easy. Enjoy life and whatever it brings you. In time you will realize what matters most. Just what bluenote said "Be kind to yourself".
     
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  5. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    First, age is a number and the 30s are the new 20s.

    Second, there is no time like the present to date yourself. Look it up, it's a thing. This is a good chance for you to rediscover what you like and don't like, learn about yourself, and enjoy yourself.
     
    #5
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  6. Maroon

    Maroon Member

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    Thanks to those here for taking the time & effort to reply to my thread. I am finding healthy distractions to fill my time and would want to stay single to discover myself now.
    In my last and short relationship, I wondered if I had jumped into it because I felt lonely after a breakup. This time round, I think I should try to be on my own for a while.

    Your encouraging words are a comfort to me at this difficult time. Thank you.
     
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  7. Pearl

    Pearl Member

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    No age is “too late”. I’m Asian-American too, and I came out pretty “late” too. Like when I was 20 ish (5 years ago). I have never been happier in my life.

    And life feels a lot better if you don’t care too much about people who are already married and such. Just hope that you will find your soulmate someday, and it helps ya grow a more positive mindset.

    Also, the next time you are in a relationship, it’s always healthy to be on equal footing, so that both partners don’t sacrifice their own plans just for the both of yall. But I would still say it’s normal for you to be in real grief after a break up... I wish you the best, and love yourself!

    Be proud of who you are, and never feel like you have to owe yourself or anyone else anything. Time requires patience.
     
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