Why is it hard?

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by sarah5, Aug 26, 2013.

  1. sarah5

    sarah5 Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    Basically, my problem is this! I can come out to someone I just met or someone I barely know. But I can't/won't come out to all people that are close to me! (?!?). About my parents: this one is a big deal. I'm scared to death about their reaction. And I can understand why I cannot really come out ...

    But my close friends, it's different. I'm sure they know but wait for me to say it ... and I can't, I don't know why, I know they will be cool with it (or maybe not that sure ?) ... Why can't I just say it to them ??!?
    What makes me angry the most is that if I was introduce to someone, I would say with no problem "yeah! I'm gay!"? Why can't I do that to my close friends... And I hate it cause it's like there's a barrier I cannot across with them :roll:

    So, does anyone feel like that ?
  2. nursevane

    nursevane Member

    Jul 11, 2013
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    Hi there,

    Everything you said is completely expected. You don't have a strong attachment to people you've just met and barely know. It's easier for you to tell these people simply because if they do react poorly, losing them won't be as big of a deal.

    Your close friends are just that, CLOSE. Telling any loved one will be 100x more difficult than telling a casual acquaintance. You're afraid they may react poorly and don't want to take that risk. I went through all of this not too long ago. First with telling close friends, then finally my parents.

    I don't know your living situation or social surroundings, so I don't want to tell you to come out and assume it will go smoothly. You know your family and friends best. Good luck!
  3. Brandy Alexander

    Brandy Alexander Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Sarah, we all have struggled with coming out to family and friends. It's a dance, we're all forced to perform at one time or another to someone else's tune. However, keep in mind "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple" by Dr. Seuss.

    Telling close/good friend's can be scary. The devil's advocate within us tends to show only the worst case scenario as a possible out come. Although, in reality our sexual orientation should never be a defining reason for or against any friendship we choose to engage in. If your sexual orientation isn't excepted by a friend then they were not your friend to begin with. I wouldn't necessarily make a big production out of telling a friend about your sexual orientation. Chances are they already know and don't care or your friendship would have ended.

    I have said it before and I will say it again. My sexual orientation is the last and least defining adjective, adverb, noun, or verb anyone should use to describe me. I'm kind, caring, funny, and loyal. I'm playful, respectful, and spontaneous. I'm intelligence, witty, and grumpy before my morning coffee. I could list a thousand other characteristics, but to avoid any redundancies I boil down to more then my sexual orientation. I'm not my sexual orientation. It is only a very small part of me. You should view yourself the same way. There is more to you then your sexual orientation. Don't let anyone define you based on that characteristic alone. It would be unfair and a crime. No person should be defined only as "gay", "straight", or "bi".

    Telling family is more difficult. I don't know enough about your family situation to offer advice. I will tell you in my case coming out to my family was difficult. We operated via "Don't ask. Don't tell" before President Clinton was even sworn into office. After 20+ years and countless "prayer chains" my parents have excepted my sexual orientation. Today my Mom fully supports "gay marriage" and allowing the LGBT community the "same rights" as heterosexual couples.

    Time was a factor in my situation. I didn't, however, find the need to rush things or make a public statement at Thanksgiving. I had my partner at my side during Holiday's, family gatherings, and vacations. I respected the social boundaries my family is comfortable with and didn't engage in PDAs. I introduced my partner as my friend. I know I will get some flack for white-washing my situation, however, within my family beating them over the head with my sexual orientation would have made things worse. I chose the least stressful route and in the end it paid off. I hope things go smoothly for you.

    Good Luck.
  4. sarah11

    sarah11 New Member

    Sep 5, 2013
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    I feel like I am in completely the same situation as you. Maybe it's the name! haha!

    Because I am in the same situation I'm probably not the best to offer advice, but I know that it helps me to know there are other people in the same situation, who share the same feels, and that I'm not totally crazy.

    I think for me, the reason that I can't tell those closest to me is because I am scared of how it will change relationships. My best friends mean the world to me and their love and support is the best thing in my life. I don't know how I'd cope without it and even though, like you say, I'm sure they'd be supportive, I think the thing I am most worried about is that it will change the dynamic of the friendship.
    Bearing in mind that I trust these people 100% I feel terrible to have this secret and barrier between us. I don't want to hide part of my life, but it's just like a constant battle with myself. . Most of the time (well, of the millions of times I run it through in my head) everyone just says YEAH we know, let's go get ice cream. But then in reality, even though I'm sure sometimes they drop not so subtle hints, they'll do something which makes me question that - like try to set me up with one of their male friends etc. Are they just doing it to play along, or do they really not know, or ARGH!

    Family is different and difficult for me too. I won't expand on that here, but just to say that even though our reasons are probably completely different I do understand that feeling.

    Basically this has just been a cathartic ramble, and I'm sorry if you think it has no relevance to you, or that it's just really boring, but I read your post and it was like you were in my head. It made me feel less alone to read yours, so hopefully it will be reassuring to you to know that there are people (well at least person) who feels exactly the same.

    Sarah x
  5. crazydoglady

    crazydoglady Member

    Sep 11, 2013
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    I am struggling with the exact same thing too, so you're not alone. I am out to all of my gay friends. I told my best friend, but she lives pretty far away and I don't see her often. I have also told a few people I am not super close to. So far, out of my close friends here, two know. It is hard because we have this relationship that is safe and I am use to. I am worried that somehow this will change how they interact or treat me. They are all already for gay rights and equality, but I feel like it will be different to them having someone close to them who is out. Same with my parents. They are totally for gay rights and they know my sister is gay (though she hasn't officially come out), but I feel like someone coming out so close to them will freak them out. I am not worrying about coming out to my parents yet, just my close friends here at school.

    My main problem is that I don't know how to start the conversation with them. I feel like saying something like, "Oh hey, I have something to tell you. I am gay." Is too nonchalant. I don't want it to be a big deal, but I don't want to make it sound so simple that they question if I am being truthful or something like that.

    Any advice on how to start the conversation with close friends? I don't plan on telling them in a group, more one-on-one.

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