Why is God messing with me?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by SoxFan, Jul 19, 2016.

  1. SoxFan

    SoxFan Member

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    So before I start rambling, let me just state that while this does have to with God, this issue has zero to do with accepting ones sexuality and religion. I'm 41 and have been out since high school with very supportive family and friends. The woman I'm referring to in this relationship is out and proud as well and is 100% comfortable being gay. Ok...now I shall start my rambling...12 years ago I met this girl, instant attraction and crazy chemistry, she was in a relationship and I became friends with her and her gf. We ended up sharing an amazing kiss one night which led to her cheating on her gf with me, (don't judge), it was more of an emotional relationship with us than physical. While the physical attraction was incredible, we did try to avoid the for real "cheating"...cheating is cheating, I know this now...anyway...this went on for awhile but we ended up deciding to go our separate ways. She stayed with her gf and I ended up meeting someone else also. Over the course of many years we both ended up marrying other women but would still every now and then pop up in each others thoughts. I know for myself there were always "signs" that would pop up to bring my thoughts back to her. Then she calls me out of the blue one day...which ends up leading to us both once again emotionally and slightly more physically cheating on our spouses (don't judge..I'm not proud of this at all). It gets messy for everyone involved, and while she wants to divorce her wife and move back home to Florida (I should mention that all this was taking place in MA), they end up staying married and both moving to Florida, she breaks off all contact at this point. So this is heartbreak #1. Yes, at the time I'm married to another woman, but still heartbroken. And once again years pass with no contact, but still the "signs" popping up now and then to bring the thoughts back to her. Then she calls me out of the blue one day...AGAIN...she's now divorced, but seeing someone else. I'm still married...but AGAIN the emotional affair starts, this time long distance, phone calls and texts, conversations about wanting to be together...being soulmates blah blah blah. And AGAIN she abruptly stops communicating with no explanation. More time passes and I'm realizing that I cannot continue my marriage while always having this woman in the back of my head, not to mention the awful, horrible, totally undeserved way I was treating my wife(who is the most amazing woman in the world and has somehow forgiven me for this mess and we are currently great friends!). So my wife and I separate...and I'll give you one guess who calls me out of the blue AGAIN...yup it's her...my soulmate...and we're both single! Living in different states, but single! Some things have changed for her, she's sober now and has been more involved with church and her religious beliefs. That's cool, I can deal with all that. And we once again proclaim our love and talk of finally being together, talked about me moving to Florida, where I already have family...and then she AGAIN abruptly stops communicating with no explanation. After a few weeks I do finally get her to explain...and she tells me that she had prayed about us and God showed her that there was no future with us...WHAT the WHAT?? Heartbreak #2. A few months pass and I'm heading to Florida to visit my family, I ask her to meet me so we can talk...I KNOW she could not deny what we had or tell me we had no future face to face. I was right, we met...talked...kissed...fell in love all over again, and made it official that very day. Finally we were a couple!! I moved to Florida and we were both happy as can be. I knew how much her church and religion meant to her, and while I was not involved in organized religion at all, I went to church with her. It's not something I grew up with at all and have always considered myself spiritual but not religious. I actually had some negative feelings towards religion and God specifically resulting from her previously telling me that God showed her there was no future with me. So I had a little beef with God, but got over it after a few years together. Then 3.5 yrs into our relationship she tells me OUT OF NOWHERE, NO WARNING WHATSOEVER that in order to strengthen her relationship with God that she could no longer approve of or partake in premarital sex...WHAT the WHAT?? Heartbreak #3. She did not want to separate, and hoped I would understand that she could not have a physical relationship without being married in the eyes of God. We cried a ton, held each other, and talked about how much we loved each other. She was so scared I was going to leave her over this. I decided to try to go along with this and respect her beliefs. Within 5 months it became to much. It wasn't even about the sex at that point, it was about the intimacy. Seeing as this was her religious belief, and her choice, she could handle the cuddling and kissing leading to...nothing. I could not, it upset me to act like teenagers fooling around but never going all the way. I slowly shut down and avoided any intimacy because it hurt to much to not be able to share the amazing physical chemistry we had together. So with many tears and love between us...we ended the relationship in April of this year. Heartbreak #4. We both agreed we wanted to be friends and continued with phone calls or texts every few days...and then she AGAIN abruptly stops communicating with no explanation. WTF! So last week I find out that she met a woman who shares her religious beliefs as strongly as she does. They met a few weeks after our breakup and they are a couple. Not only that, but they exchanged vows and are married "in the eyes of god"... oh and living together. They haven't even known each other 2 months! But hey they said vows so their free to have sex. I'm a little bitter if you can't tell. My whole point in all this is that I'm pissed at a God that I've never fully believed in and I have no idea how to deal with this. I'm just about the most understanding, forgiving, non grudge carrying person you could meet, I can forgive people for just about anything, but I don't know how to forgive a God. It's been very confusing to me. If God is real, why does he fill my heart with so much love for this woman who will never love me back the same way? Why has he inserted her into my life over and over again for the last 12 years? Is it because he's trying to get my attention? Or just torture me because I did bad things in a past life? I've actually started reading Christianity for Dummies to try to understand any of this, and yes a Dummies book is the exact level I'm on with regards to religious knowledge. If you have actually stuck with reading this all the way to end...Thank You very much!!!!!
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Just the other day, in the news, someone knifed a woman and young girls in the name of God. Also, some dude killed his sister because of God. And now God had just messed with you too. God's been busy! Or, people will use God and spirituality to justify anything.

    You ex soulmate messed with you. I hope you can figure out why Lucy to your Charlie Brown you kept going back to kick that football.

    Edit: I don't think your ex intentionally messed with you and I don't mean to really compare her intent with Charlie Brown's Lucy. I don't think she really knows what she wants but some of the ways she went about it was pretty cruel and I don't know if she is fully aware of how cruel she has been to you. Cutting you off abruptly was not ok but soooorta understandable when she was in a relationship, but after you two have been a couple then it is just not right. She has yanked the rug under you quite a few times. I am going to guess that sometimes people can get really attracted to someone they don't want to couple with. That's the only thing I can think of for now why she had treated you this way. I hope you can find some alone time to heal from this and uncouple yourself to this romantic idea of her.
     
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    Last edited: Jul 19, 2016
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  3. SoxFan

    SoxFan Member

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    I loved your Charlie Brown reference! I never thought of it that way, but that's a pretty accurate analogy. I also don't think she has ever intentionally hurt me...this is why I have forgiven her time and time again. I know her way of dealing with things is to shut down, or not say anything because she "didn't want to hurt you"...can't even count how many times I've heard that! I've been trying to shake the romantic idea of her on and off for over ten years now. Just when I think I'm done and have forgotten about her, she always pops up again. I'm hoping this time is different...I WANT this time to be different. It would be a lot easier if I could be mad at her, but I'm just not that kind of person. I don't ever stay mad or hold onto anger towards anyone. I look at peoples point of view and intentions and find it very easy to forgive. That is why this whole being mad at God thing has got me so frustrated, for once in my life I've realized that I can't seem to forgive and move on from this anger towards God. I can't see the point of view or intentions of a God or being or whatever it is...therefor I don't know how to forgive and move on from it. Hopefully it will all make sense someday. Thank you so much for your response and advice!
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    If you are to be angry with God, then go ahead. Really, go ahead. If God is not real, then it is you trying to figure things out. If God is real, and is this awesome, wonderful entity, then you will have help trying to figure things out. But the key is not fall into some superstition that some unseen entity is messing you up because from where I am sitting, there is you, your ex and something you wanted from her that she keeps yoinking away from you. If you keep up with a superstition then you can blame all mishaps in life on it. You will never find what that superstition wants exactly so you do all sorts of contortions to keep this bad luck away. Sometimes it will seem to work and sometimes it won't.

    I am not smart when it comes to my own stuff. But it is so much easier to be the person without the emotional attachment looking your way. I hope you can consider what I am seeing. I see that whatever her intentions may have been, your coupling with her was a sham. She is someone who doesn't like to take blame so she displaces it. Her decisions have always been made to appear as though they were some other circumstances but her own design. She broke up with you in the worst way possible, not just once, but several times over a decade, and instead of talking to you, sending you off somewhat at peace, she blamed it on her wish not to hurt you. She really should stop doing you favors, man. And her reasons for dropping you were about a relationship, or some family thing and finally it was God! Oh my, what do you do with that but take the blame that somehow the almighty has decreed this! To complete her form of reality, you help by either taking the blame or perpetuate her fantasy that you two should get together because of a cosmic pull and then the reverse you two should be apart because of God.

    The other thing that really helped her construct this reality is that you somehow have learned that being angry with someone is bad, useless or whatnot. Anger is only bad when it rules you, rules your actions and climbs on your back and lives with you. Anger is like pain, when someone is hurting you, it tells you that you are in danger if you stay in that situation. And she has been training you to take that pain (anger) for a while and not apply it to her actions. You need to give her a lot more credit than that. Once you do, then maybe you can truly heal. And please, stay out of that situation in the future and not receive her "popping" up as a sign of this cosmic pull, because it is more like a cosmic insult.
     
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    Last edited: Jul 20, 2016
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  5. Lauren_1989

    Lauren_1989 Active Member

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    God means something different to everyone, he isn't a linear being, everyone has their own personal relationship with him. I'm not religious whatsoever, so I can't have too much of an opinion about it but to me, it seems like your former partner is using her region as a convenient way to end your relationship. Was there talk of marriage between you both? Did she show an interest in taking that step with you?

    It seems that she's always been some what emotionally unavailable to you, blowing hot and cold with you, that should tell you enough about how reliable she is, and how much she cares about you.

    Perhaps it's time to move on from her, cut all ties with and heal. She's married again, she moved on very quickly and she's obviously left you with a lot of pain.

    In short, don't blame God for your heartache, he's not to blame here, your former partner is. When you begin to accept that then you can start to move on.
     
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  6. SoxFan

    SoxFan Member

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    greylin...you nailed it! Every word. Are you a professional shrink or something?? None of us are smart with our own stuff, but I imagine you do okay with figuring things out for yourself! I never looked at it as her displacing blame. Amazing what an outsider can see when they know the whole story. I've been unable to share the entire story with most of my friends due to the shame of the cheating aspect of the story, as well as the fact that I feel like an idiot continuing to be drawn back to someone that had already shown they would hurt me. Not anymore though! I'm seriously going to read/hear your advice every time this woman pops in my head, which will be at least 10 times a day right now, to remind me to step outside of my own emotions and see her behavior for what it really is. I can't thank you enough!!!
     
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  7. SoxFan

    SoxFan Member

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    Lauren...Thank you for reading my post and offering advice. You are absolutely right with the "emotionally unavailable" and "blowing hot and cold" descriptions. I do think that in her head she believes whatever nonsense is coming out of her mouth regarding her beliefs and God, but I know I need to start realizing that she is also hiding behind these beliefs and using them to not accept responsibility for her actions. To answer your question about talk of marriage...having both been unhappily married and divorced already, neither of us felt we wanted to go down that road again. I cannot express how grateful I am that we didn't get married! Thank you again for your wonderful advice!
     
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  8. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    SoxFan - I agree with @greylin and @Lauren_1989 on this. In fact, I'm just going to add my two cents (ok, it's long, maybe two dollars?), not because my thoughts are any different really, but because I believe that sometimes some of us need to hear the same thing 10 different ways from 10 different people in order to start to form the possibility in our minds that maybe a different perspective than the one we have carried for so long is more accurate. Honestly,this is not from a soapbox point of view, it's more like a "we have all been there in some way or another" view and are willing to help you if we can....

    I think so many of us can relate to feeling that draw to someone we have wanted badly, with whom we have incredible chemistry, and with whom we believe life could be just "perfect" if only the stars would align, the timing was right, fate would allow, "God" would intervene, or the "universe" would just cooperate. We can idealize that person as a "Soulmate"......"if only __________"..........

    But for every Disney fairy tale where the princess finally meets up with her love and lives happily every after... we can also name a tale where that "fate" of the star-crossed lovers is a tragic ending...Romeo & Juliet, Sampson & Delilah...oh, and almost Every lesbian-themed movie before 1990ish, right? (damn,always so tragic!:eek:)
    My point is we tell these stories/legends because, while the wish for a love big enough to overcome all obstacles is incredibly intoxicating, it is also completely idealized and does not always tend to end with peaceful, domestic bliss.

    The blaming of "God" (if you are a believer), or the Universe, or Fate, etc is, in some ways, a quick and easy out rather than a hard examination of our own self-destructive choices, our refusal to consider facts, or our belief that we will get what we want even when there is very little evidence/hope for change or compatibility...we really like to count on that 'divine intervention" thing so that we don't have to accept that this person - no matter how much you want her - is never going to treat you with real, enduring-day-to-day love, respect, and commitment. The fantasy. for both of you, is much more alluring than what has really happened between the two of you. The true history sounds sad, frustrating, un-fulfilling, and hurtful.

    Think about it: She can call you up, on and off over the course of many years, and feel special, wanted, desired instantly, no matter what is going on in her current relationship or daily life. Who wouldn't get a bit of a high by feelings like a fantasy to someone? But the reality is her disappearances and her inability to ever truly commit to you for the long haul have always been her choice. It is not God's issue. It is hers. Even when she actually did try briefly to make it work, in a day to day life with you, she disappeared from you emotionally/sexually first, and then she went and married someone else. For whatever reason, she cannot give you what you want from her. She may choose to see it as God, because she then does not have to be responsible for the hurt she has caused.... but these are her choices, over and over.

    For you, because you want her, it is much "easier" (in a sense) to be mad at a God you say you don't even really believe in, than to be mad at her for manipulating you and mad at yourself for repeatedly choosing to fall right into the manipulation. Since you actually had the opportunity to make a go of a real relationship with each other and it did not work, you now have facts with which to combat that old enduring fantasy. Maybe now you can work on healing, letting her go for good, loving yourself, and believing in yourself and your ability to love someone who is able to love you back. It will take work, but you can do it, I'm sure.

    I don't like to use cliches, in general. But, I do like the simplicity and the sound of "It is what it is." (I know, It's so tacky to say, and I'm sorry.... it was one of the favorite sayings of someone I knew who had a big impact on me, but has long since passed away, so I do say it sometimes because it reminds me of that grumpy old man.)
    The way I interpret that is some times we try so hard to figure out another person's intention or meaning...the "why???" behind what is happening to us or what we are participating in....when what we really need to do is just accept the facts of what is being presented. I mean does it really matter if she does or does not "intend" to be hurting you repeatedly for you to decide you don't want to be hurt by her anymore? You described, I think, four distinct heartbreaks, not including the death by a thousand little cuts in between, right? Do you really need to know why she or God or fate would have you returning to her again only to be hurt again? or are you ready to decide it is hurtful to think about her, pursue her, obsess over her, engage with her again and again only to have her disappear and hurt you once more? Does her explanation or justification even matter? "It is what it is." - she hooks you and leaves you and it hurts...that is all.

    You get to decide if it is or is not going to happen again, not God! "God" might just be somewhere shaking his head, wondering why you have not used the good sense and the free will he gave you to gain whatever "life lesson" she continues to be presenting to you, so you can move on to the next better one...;) just a thought.
     
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  9. SoxFan

    SoxFan Member

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    Thank you @rainydaze for taking the time to give some great advice!!! I'm new to this site and have to to say that seeking advice here has been one of the best things I've ever done. The responses have been sooooooo helpful!! I didn't think anyone would really be able to understand where I was coming from, let alone give such spot on observations of my issues. I've talked to several friends about this (granted they didn't get as many details as I have shared here) and their advice is usually "Forget her, you'll find someone else"...so I think I need smarter friends! LOL!

    You are absolutely right about her choosing to see things through her God and therefor not needing to take responsibility for her own actions and choices...and the pain she causes others. I never looked at it that way, but now that several people here have taken the time point this out, it seems clear as day to me! And yes hearing things 10 different ways from 10 different people is exactly what a lot of us need...or just to read the one bit of advice that some wonderful person took the time to write 10 times! (I'm already up to 4 readings :))

    And I don't think "it is what it is" is tacky at all! I've used that cliche many times myself, although I didn't seem to apply it very well to my "soulmate" situation did I??! :rolleyes: At least I can laugh at myself a bit for missing all the obvious things that have been pointed out to me here. So thank you again for your advice...I sincerely appreciate it!

    Oh...and cute dog in your pic!
     
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  10. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    OK, so all those things you said not to judge you for, I won't. But, you don't get a pass for divorcing your wife for someone you'd had an emotional fling in your mind for. What the fuck, anyway? I'm hoping you're just really young for doing something so stupid. Apparently, you don't take marriage vows seriously.

    Any time someone is considering a fling there's something wrong in their current relationship. Were you bored? Did you marry on the rebound? Did you ever really love the woman you married? Whatever there was that caused you to think you preferred someone else should have been your focus. Fix what's wrong before you just toss it aside. Your marriage was a legal contract for life. Divorce may seem like the easy way out, but it's not an easy thing to do. Maybe you should have had a sexual liaison with the other woman just to get it out of your system so you could get on with your life and your wife.

    Now, that you've fallen for a crazy ass religious woman you think God is messing with your life? Well, if God exists, he or She has given you free will to make decisions and act upon them. Your freak of a religious nut lesbian lover (even if it was in your mind only) made her decision to be with someone as equally nuts as her. And, you are complaining about it? You probably think I'm being overly harsh on God and religion, but come on, think about this. Christianity says that gays are sinners who are going to spend all of eternity in hell fire. And, Christians condemn us for the way we were born. Why on earth would you want to be with some crazy wacko lesbian who accepts that as her religious beliefs?

    The way I see it, you have been given a new lease on life. For whatever reason you felt your marriage wasn't working, you now can seek out the right woman. Consider that the religious freak gave you a gift by marrying someone like her. Now, it's up to you to just stop fixating on her. If you believe in God or The Mother Godess, or whatever, you don't have to be a member of a religious group to practice your reverence and gratefulness. Don't blame your God, but thank him or Her for giving you another chance to do it right. Now, it's up to you not to make the same mistakes again.
     
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  11. SoxFan

    SoxFan Member

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    Wow @Eloise...that sure felt like a whole lot of judgement after saying you weren't going to judge! That being said, I do appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my post. Ending my marriage to a woman I loved VERY much was the most painful thing I've ever done in my life, and was certainly not taken lightly. I not only gave up a future with her, but also her wonderful loving family I had been a part of for 7 yrs. I knew I could not give her what she wanted at the time (children) for several reasons, only some of which I talked about in my post. So while I will always deeply regret the hurt I caused her, I know it was what needed to happen. Today she is remarried with a beautiful 7mo old baby boy and I couldn't be happier for her. She is also one of my closest friends. Yes it took several years to get to this point, but she was able to understand, forgive me, and wants me to happy as well...which is something that says a lot about her character as well as mine.

    Yes I do realize the end of my relationship with the "religious freak" was a gift. I did not continue the relationship once her religious beliefs became to much for me to deal with, this is exactly why it ended. Her decision to be with someone who so strongly shares her beliefs is not something I complain about, if it's something that makes her happy than more power to her. My post was about trying to understand and deal with my issues regarding the God she based her decisions on. I've received amazing advice from several people here on this forum (thanks again @greylin, @rainydaze, @Lauren_1989) and have a whole new perspective on this situation. I no longer feel mad at her God, I know now that the hurt she caused and the decisions she made came from her and her alone. Now that this has clicked in my head, the weight of the anger I was feeling has lifted, and I can honestly say the connection I felt with her for over 10yrs has been broken. I feel very free and am moving on with my life.
     
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