Which Cities Should I Move to for My Coming Out? LA, SFO, NYC

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by TarynP, Feb 18, 2016.

  1. TarynP

    TarynP Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    4
    Hi,
    I'm new here, but not so new. Actually, I've visited AE regularly, but only for an observation for the past 4-5 years. AE is like a place where I learn so many things about life, culture, sexualities, trendy stuffs,etc. which I cannot learn and see from where I live here in reality. Today, I decided to create an account to ask for advice to this active community I have used as an escape to the place where I feel connect to others who's like me.

    By the way, I think I should tell you that English is not my first language so it may be some incorrect, or weird writing here. Sorry. Also, this may be too long to read before the real question below, but I am so confuse and I am alone. I guess it would be better to give some background before asking an opinion.

    Right now, I live in a super gay-friendly country in Asia, but will move to US in a few months for my education. I'm 24 years old, and still a semi-closeted lesbian. I acknowledge that in US people don't like dating closeted or semi-closeted lesbian. Americans are much more aware of sexuality and gender issue. In contrast, here in my country I have so many lesbian and gay friends, but none of them do care about things like this, which I guess the reason is that their families 'ignore', and lie to themselves that their gay daughters and sons are straight. Even though, my gay friends live happily with this situation, ( and they are ok to always introduce their partners as a 'friend' to any new acquaintances) they still avoid using the word 'lesbian' as it seems rude and dirty to them. !! Whatt??
    (Anyway, I don't think it is necessary to put any person in a categories.)

    My friends' families are much different from mine, I do not have any friends who can give me advices about having a relationship, or coming out because they don't have to. My family interests in every detail of my life. They are the most supportive people on earth that I couldn't ask for more. I can say that my family is not a conservative one, and my mom are pretty much a reasonable person. However, I am not so sure if I am gay, will she still be reasonable.

    When I was a child, I wanted to be a boy. I rarely played any girly things and screamed to death if I had to wear a dress. I guess my mom realised what was going on so she often said thing like, "I'm going to abandon you if you were a lesbian", and gave bad comments on any LGBT people. At that time, I've told my best friend (who's still my bff) what my mom said but she didn't think my mom will cut me off for real.(!?) Hence, I realised that other families don't really talk about this much. I think my mom hoped that I would change, which I did. I became a fully feminine woman now.... and that made everything more complicate.

    I always fall for older woman. I have never fancy men, but they always flirt on me. So I have never have a real relationship. The women I loved, have never loved me back; and all the men who love me, have never gotten my love back too. I have a perfect life, and I know it, but I feel like I have not yet accomplish something. I feel lonely and different from others. I want to come out and will do it very soon. I've planned in my dream, but waited to meet the right person, my love, so that I can be sure I am into a woman. Sadly, I don't think that time will come easy if I live here so I made a decision to go somewhere else.

    I am using the higher education to be my excuse of being away from my family for a while to find myself again. I am now in between choosing where to go. My university options are all located in LA, SFO, and NYC.

    The question is I don't know if it is a good start to live in a place where I don't know anyone in a totally culture difference country, or should I choose a place where their are my relatives who keep asking why I don't have a boyfriend, but I will be safe for my first step. The most important of this is that I am not a financial independent this time. !

    I love LA so much, but that is a city where they live. (I'm not going to stay with them of cause, but I am pretty sure they will be a lot of family meetings come up, and questions about my dating life sometimes)
    Should I go for LA if I plan on coming out anyway, or should I give more space to myself and go far away to place like NYC where I know nobody at all.

    Ps. People don't assume that I am gay. What should I do as an Asian feminine girl who likes another fem, and will be new to the city? I am not good at internet dating.
     
    #1
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    I would find the best college for you and go from there. I think all 3 cities will find you your community especially when you are in college. There are conservative pockets in all 3 so you should be aware. If you like the college and weather in LA the best, then going there may not cramp your style so badly. Campuses are big and somewhat insular from parents and relatives. I wish you the best as you start your adult life and find your independence. I understand how you can be loved and cared for and things can still be missing, like there is a hole in your heart. I hope you will fill yourself with the spirit of acceptance in this new journey.
     
    #2
    Nancy likes this.
  3. RLrose

    RLrose Member

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2015
    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    25
    Choose the school first. Are you a big city girl? All cities are big, but LA is more spread out. If you want to be able to walk everywhere and not have a car then most likely NYC and SF are the places to be. If you want to stay semi close to your relatives in LA so you can visit them over the holidays, then SF. Do you mind the cold? NYC is a lot colder... Write down the pros and cons. You really can't go wrong with any of the cities. It;s all personal preference. I however cannot stand LA- too many people trying to make it big in hollywood, production, etc... Make a list. HAVE FUN and good luck :)
     
    #3
  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    If you are financially dependent on your family, you need to think very carefully about how they might react to things. Just because you move to SF, NYC, Chicago, etc... your family could still find out that you are gay. Social media posts, a friend of the family finds out, etc...

    If there is a risk that your family would cut you off financially and if you would be left in a bad position without their support - then wait to come out until you are more financially secure.

    I can't tell you if you should go to any particular city. I think that you need to weigh the pros and cons of each school and go from there. Graduate school is way too important to worry about which place has the better dating scene. Go to the best school for you, get more independent and then sort out your love life.
     
    #4
    greylin likes this.
  5. TarynP

    TarynP Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    4
    First of all, thank you for your respond. You are so sweet. After I posted this, I was afraid to come back and read the comment because I thought people may not understand this silly reason of moving to other country. It's an Asian thing.

    I have already sent the applications to all the universities I like, which located in a big cities I mentioned. Right now, it is on the process for the interview, and will be least than a month to made a decision. I had gone for campus tours 3 years ago in some universities, but the two departments I like the most are not where I did the campus tour. Lol. So right now, my feeling is based on the internet information, and friends.

    However, as I have posted that my true reason is to fly away from my family. Yeah, I want to start my adult life and have that independence. My bff suggested me to stay at NYC because I will grow up quickly and learn what's the real independence meaning. Although, I am so afraid of being lonely ( and snow) but, half of me also agree with her as this is a chance to search for my missing piece.

    Thanks again.
     
    #5
    greylin likes this.
  6. TarynP

    TarynP Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    4
    I had sent the applications to all the schools I like. :D It is now in the process of being interviewed, and after this I will have only a few weeks to make a decision. So while I am waiting I just want to ask for more opinions from locals or other people in LGBT community.

    I love SF too. At first, I chose SF as the first decision, but turned out there was still some international student issue with that school, so I don't know yet If they will accept me.

    Thank you for your suggestion. I will try writing down the pros and cons. ^^
     
    #6
  7. TarynP

    TarynP Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    4
    Thank you for your concern. ^^ I would want to wait till I am financially dependent, but I'm not sure if it will happen clearly. Well, a little more detail about me: we - my mom, my aunts, and me - are growing our business. I guess I could say we are entrepreneurs. We work together, and we live together. ... So it would be absolutely questionable if I just quit and working in other place.

    Also, unlike American culture, people here also don't split from their parent's homes with a reason of being an adult. The reason we will do that is only if the work place is too far from the house, which then we will rent a room or buy a condominium.

    I also don't want to let any more time pass away anymore. When I was in high-school I thought that it was silly to have love like this because it was insecure. I waited, and I went to undergrad. I thought it was going to be a chance to explore my life. Unfortunately, time was passing super fast, and I put my full energy to my study. I've graduated with many awards, but lack of experiences in social and love. Blame on myself, I am too afraid to come out even to my harmless classmates, while another lesbian friend in the same class freely talked about her flirt on girls.

    People die everyday, I don't know if tomorrow it's going to be me.

    That's why I am here on AE forum, not on grad forum, because my grad education is not the first reason I'm going to fly away from home. It will be just another paper on my wall of frame, but I want to use this opportunity to explore some thing I was scare to do before. And that's why it is important to get some opinion from locals or people in LGBT community about the place I am going to stay for at least 2 years.

    Thanks again for your advice. At least someone read it, it means a lot to me. : )
     
    #7
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2017
    greylin and Jane Doe like this.
  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    Grad school is an awfully expensive way to come out.
     
    #8
    Emm likes this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice