When your told to stop caring.

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Mparten228, Jan 17, 2015.

  1. Mparten228

    Mparten228 New Member

    Jan 16, 2015
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    Ok. New to these forums. Even though I've been in a lesbian relationship for five years now. I'm still new at being gay. Honesty I've always dated men because being from the Bible Belt with such high and mighty southern baptist family members I was raised to believe being homosexual was a sin. It wasn't until five years ago when I was living with a close female friend my views started to changed. Our friendship quickly changed into our deep relationship. She randomly decided to tell me after years of living together she was in love with me and wanted us to date. I was extremely put off by it because I was still living in this brainwashed world of mine. I chose to date her and after a few months I screwed up and cheated. With a guy. Just like she always said I would. I did break up with her before I did it but I was still living with her. Even before I cheated she would tell me I know your going to cheat. I know your going to leave me for a guy. Your not really gay. Your a whore who loves men.( sorry to be blunt) I felt so guilty. I quickly realized that I was so wrong. I stayed and tried to make it work with her. I didn't tell her what exactly happened or that I cheated until about a year ago. I finally broke down and told her his name and that yes it did happen. Of course she blew a gasket. She did put hands on me but I feel like I deserved it and I still do deserve it. From the moment I cheated everything else I ever did or have done was another method of me cheating or planning to cheat. This went on for years. Every new job I got I had a little boyfriend in her eyes. Every single male that crosses my path she thinks I'm trying to figure out how to spread my legs or get on my knees. (Yes
  2. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

    May 30, 2014
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    what the heck o_O

    "She did put hands on me" by this, you mean she has hit you? or beat you, you know, like punch punch kick scream some kung fu here and there punch slap slap kick again elbow throw back uppercut knee in the head and KO?

    that is not a relationship, is just a mistake you continue to make it. both of you

    move on. learn from your mistakes. trust is a valuable thing that once is broken, is extremely (for some, almost impossible) hard to put the pieces back together. and most of the times, other person will have that chance and be able to put back the pieces in the right place. also, the more you try, the worse you'll make it and she has already (or was always like that) going on the extreme to call you a whore for liking men. she's not thinking clear anymore, she's too hurt and wants to hurt you back in her silly ways
    if you are going to cheat again and again and again, at least accept it as a pathological trait and stay away from monogamous relationships or find people who are into open relationships
    greylin and Emm like this.
  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    What a mess.

    Therapy and contact a domestic violence shelter. Hitting is not OK, not for any reason. Ever.

    And the psychological abuse - calling you names and being controlling - not OK, either. Ever.

    You deserve empathy and compassion. A therapist and counselor can help you work through your problems. Not just hurl names and abuse at you.

    From what you have described, you feel a lot of shame and guilt about being gay. You feel shame and guilt about sex. That leads you to punish yourself and act out in ways that are sexually compulsive. This idiot you are dating is only adding to the shame and confusion. A good therapist can help you sort that out, work through the guilt and shame so you are not acting out. And not hurting so much, or hurting yourself so much.

    A domestic violence center can help you get away from your abusive gf.

    And, if you want to move to New England, we're pretty cool with gays here.

    Good luck.
  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    You're insecure and you don't accept yourself for who you are. Sorry to be blunt, but you have to make peace with yourself before you can give yourself to someone else.

    Cheating isn't ok -- and it seems to me that you're trying to do anything you can to destroy a relationship because you're too afraid to admit to yourself who you are and what you want out of life. Your own self-loathing got you into a cruel and vicious relationship (where she put her hands on you..and NO this is NOT ok) because you think so little of yourself and you carry the guilt of your identity with you.

    Get yourself some counseling. Until you can accept who you are..whether gay or straight..you have no business taking another person on your journey. Let go of whatever demons are holding you back from being honest with yourself and honest with other people. Until you can accept and acknowledge truth, your relationships will be doomed to failure.
    rac, Nancy, greylin and 2 others like this.
  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    You are being abused and neither of you realize that she is the wretched one. I can't imagine calling anyone who cheated a whore nor would I use the word "whore" as a slurr. And that's just for starters. If you were my sister and someone hit you I would surely want to see s/he jailed.

    You don't see it now, but you are caught in a terrible cycle. Please call a domestic violence hotline as people have said above. It is as anonymous as you want it to be and the only consequence is that you get to live a real life and hopefully one day be in a good relationship.
    rac and Bluenote like this.
  6. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    Your partner is abusive, emotionally and physically, and you need to leave her - for your health, and for hers. No one deserves to be hit or called names, no matter what they did. If your partner can't live with your past behavior, the caring, mature, healthy thing is for her to end your relationship, not to continue to control you with guilt and shame.

    Please call a hotline or visit a crisis center. Call on your friends and family, who may be waiting to help you (a dear friend of mine recently ended an abusive relationship, and her friends had known for years and been helpless as to how to help her get free - the second she asked for help, we were there). The journey out of this relationship will not be easy - it'll be complicated and emotionally taxing, and you'll have to examine both the material reality of dissolving this partnership and your own baggage and needs that contributed to this awful situation. On the other end, though, is a shot at real, healthy love, and that's worth it.

    Being queer does not mean you have to settle for being treated cruelly and abusively. It does not mean you are doomed to cheat (and "earn" this cruel treatment). It does not mean you deserve the violence and coercion your partner is practicing on you.

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