When She Finally Called It Off

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by JLee12, Sep 28, 2015.

  1. JLee12

    JLee12 Member

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    Hi everyone,

    I am reaching out for some thoughts and advice from you guys. I will be seeing my friend, S again after a while on our mutual friend's wedding day, and I gets really nervous honestly. In case you're wondering why, S and I were used to be close friends since we're teenagers. We grew up in the same peer group, we used to be classmates and we hung out quite often after she graduated from overseas college and forgood. She was always dated boys back then until now and although we never really went out exclusively on a date, she was always being affectionate to me like Intentionally held my hand on a casual conversation, strong flirty-ish eye contact when our seats are separated or we're in distance, flirty text and tone, clung to me when we're in club eventhough her boyfriend was around, and when we're out for drink, she liked to get both of us drunk so that we can cling into and touch each other, she once asked me how to have sex if we're both girls when I was drunk. But we never spoke about it when we're sober and Its always just like nothing had happened on the next days.
    I started fall for her. It was on and off fling that we were having, knowing we couldn't get enough, we were always comeback for each other until one day things set us apart.

    We're very much attracted to each other but I am not out yet neither is she. So I started questioning what we're doing and couldn't see where it goes. It got worse when she's finally being in relationship with a man that she seems really like and fall into. She still reached out for me sometime but I just couldn't stand it, because I am the one who is really into her, she is my first love while I was just a part of her fling. My heart hurt like hell so I decided to leave them alone. Saying inexplicitly I'm letting her go. I went overseas for a job for a year tried to clear my head.

    When I came back to the city we still hung out couple times, but it wasn't the same like old days.One thing that remains same is I still couldn't get over her, she is still irreplaceable. I am about to meet her and her partner and some group of friends which I am a bit awkward to be with next week. I'm not really confident with it and I don't want her to see it in me. I hope you guys can help me with some advice :)

    xoxo,

    J.Lee
     
    #1
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    My advice? Come out and start dating other women.

    A lot of times when we have 'limited options' we get hung up on something that is less than ideal. You were friends with S, but you didn't have a relationship. You had a two people in the closet who touched each other when drunk. That isn't a relationship. But - it is the best option you had (have?) so you think it is really great.

    It is not great. Great is bringing your gf (partner, wife) breakfast in bed. Going on vacation together. Having her rub your back after a hard days work. Spooning on a chilly night. Having her be your best friend and gf. Holding hands in public without 1) having to be drunk 2) feeling ashamed or scared.

    The best way to get over your closeted not relationship is to get out of the closet and have a real relationship.
     
    #2
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  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Your relationship with her was in your head. Of course it was great - imaginary girlfriends are always great, even when they are based on real people with real closets and real hangups.

    But I challenge you to not allow this to be love, because real love is returned, strengthened because it is shared, and based on mutual caring and consent and courage. This was a crush. It was a flirtation. It was attraction. And it continued because you agreed together not to name or challenge it, not to enforce boundaries, and not to try to do something scary that might require risk - namely, coming out and being together. I think you should come out, so that you can openly and honestly ask for better than scraps from the table. And then I think you should think hard about why she needed be drunk to be affectionate with you, and how great it would be to be with a woman who doesn't need alcohol as an excuse or a boyfriend as a beard, who doesn't ask how sex works but wants to find out together, who holds your hand to remind you how much she love you. She should be your imaginary girlfriend.

    Let things be different. Different means this chapter is ending, and while it's hard to let go of the best experience you've had so far, there are much, much better ones to come.
     
    #3
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  4. JLee12

    JLee12 Member

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    J.Lee[/QUOTE]
    Appreciate the kind words. Indeed, the chapter is ending. I'm up for your challenge, not to let this be love anymore. I will soon be ready for the next one, the better one :)
     
    #4
  5. JLee12

    JLee12 Member

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    I agree with you, yet coming from a conservative family coming out is a great deal and it breaks my heart for not being able to love freely. That thing did not work out well also because I'm not out and was always denying on what's happening eventhough my feeling for her was deep.
     
    #5
  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Coming out is a big deal for a lot of people - conservative family, conservative culture, expectations placed on them, etc...

    Obviously, it is your choice if you come out or not. But if you don't, it will impact you and your 'relationships.' I am sorry that it hurts so bad. I wish you the best of luck.
     
    #6

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