When a Woman Wants Revenge

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by KayD, Jan 24, 2019.

  1. KayD

    KayD New Member

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    Hi there. I am a femme woman who prefers intimate relationships with women, but could possibly be with a man again, if he's the right person.

    A woman I know who is grieving loss of her lesbian spouse began expressing herself to me in ways that seemed to me romantic. Because she was still so distraught, and because I wasn't ready for a relationship, I told her I wanted to remain friends, but not to be lovers. And I told her the reasons why. Afterward, she called me up and told me her years of gaydar experience told her I'm not gay. Of course I reiterated that I am not strictly gay, no, but then told her it didn't feel good for her to tell me who I am. That's for me to say.

    Over a few months, we tried to be friends, but her grief and depression were constantly re-stimulated by her health crises and problems with her business. All conversations are about her, all the time, and it's like she can't stop talking. I'd experienced an assault and she felt down because I turned to someone else for support, someone who was in a good position to give support.

    So, she recently asked me to remove myself from her life until she feels better, and she says it's because she's worried about me and can't handle the stress. Why, I don't know, because I'm not sharing my stressors with her, not since telling her about the assault one time in November.

    But I wonder--does this sound like some sort of revenge to you, perhaps mixed with her being overwhelmed? Are there classic ways in which lesbian women take revenge on other women who turn them down for a romantic relationship? Is this, partially, one of them?

    I know the situation is complex, but I'd like to understand.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think people over react because they interpret other people’s actions in the worst way possible. She thinks you have rejected her by not leaning on her for help. You were not rejecting her, you were just taking care of yourself.

    In a similar way, I would not characterize her actions as “revenge”. But more like fear of abandonment. She probably thinks her friendship with you will eventually taper off so she is ripping off the bandaid.

    Also she probably likes you and her telling you how you should characterize your sexual orientation is a really weird, kinda offensive way to say, “We would not be a match, would we?” She was probably hoping you would defend your sexuality by assuring her you would not want a man like ever. Just my guess.

    It is good to help a friend in crisis but you need to take care of yourself. I am so terribly sorry about the assault and sending you good thoughts. I am glad you reached out to friends you can count on.

    I would give your friend all the space she is asking for.
     
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  3. KayD

    KayD New Member

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    Thanks very much. And I like how you've relabeled the matter, to deemphasize revenge. Appreciate that.
     
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  4. Writer23

    Writer23 Active Member

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    Hi KayD,

    First, it is good you’re ok after the assault. Peace to you. Now with respect to this chick. It sounds as if she is just manipulative. This is not a lesbian issue , it is a human issue. Don’t give in to her dramatic manipulation. If she says she wants you out of her life and you know that you have done nothing wrong, let her go and wash your hands of her.

    Writer
     
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  5. KayD

    KayD New Member

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    Thank you for your good wishes. I realize I tend to be too trusting for someone with my sensitivity to others' judgement and rejection. I should have distanced myself from her permanently long ago. I'm going to find a therapist for some help right now and feel really grateful for your remarks, and those of the first respondent here.
     
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  6. Writer23

    Writer23 Active Member

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    You're Welcome
     
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