What's their motives? Are we friends or more?

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by SarcasticGeek, Dec 30, 2015.

  1. SarcasticGeek

    SarcasticGeek New Member

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    Hi this is my first time posting on here, but I need some outside advice on this situation. Here's some background info! I'm a 19 y/o in college and have two people I'm interested in. Let's just call them "A" and "K". So me, “A" and "K" were all part of this queer organization in the beginning of the semester. All of us were newcomers. Me and "A" bonded several weeks later while at an event the organization was holding. We turned out to be the best of bros! Inside jokes, witty banter back and forth. It was a hell of a good time. Then I fell for her.....HARD. Fast forward a couple of weeks later "A" says she wants to meet up with me, just me. (So many thoughts were running through my mind, “omg is she going to say she likes me? “are we going to go on a date?”) BUT NOPE. As I walk over to meet “A”, our organization leader of our group sends an email saying “A” has left the organization. (Which still got me kind of excited, considering anyone in our organization couldn’t date new members. I thought “maybe she left it for me?”) “A” tells me, after I walk over to her, she wanted to tell me in person that she was leaving. That this was the reason for us meeting. I think to myself “wow, she wanted to tell me in person, that’s a pretty standup thing to do”, but then moment later she tells me she left due to the poor management of the organization AND because she started to like someone in the organization, but not me. So “A” left and started to date “S”, the one in our organization. Oh man I was so sad after “A” left, she and I were like some type of duo that couldn’t be stopped. I mean we still hung out and everything after she started dating “S”, but it was different. Now on to “K”.

    “K” was always there, I just never noticed her. First time I saw her I thought she was a complete bitch. I mean who writes “SINGLE” on their forehead at a party? She just rubbed me the wrong way, not to mention she smoked too. It was a total turnoff for me then, now I really don’t care. (Lol) Well, after “A” left I and “K” became really close. Like SUPER close. We hangout almost every single day, eat together, play videogames together. We even have a handshake we do every time we see each other. She’s almost exactly like me hahaha. BUT here’s the thing with “K”. She’s way more advanced than me with girls and I’m a bit intimidated. She has countless girls wanting to be with her as we speak. I’m like the dork version of “K” you can say….you know minus all the chicks, smoking and experience.

    Now I must say that between the both of them they seem to be jealous of one another. Every time I’m with “A”, “K” seems to want to hangout and chill and when I bring up me hanging out with “K” and even me slightly liking her to “A”. “A” seems to get mad. I remember her saying “HER…REALLY “K”. YOU WANT “K” TO BE YOUR GRILFRIEND?” (But all I could think was “wow, don’t you have gf? Like stop wilding out.”) Well I ended up telling “A” several days later over ice cream that I always liked her and do you want to know what she had the NERVE to say!?

    “Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?” <----- wtf does this mean!?!?!?

    SOONER!?!? I tell her “umm you left the organization and then told me you were seeing someone that same day!?” She responded by saying “but you should have still told me?” UMMM OKKK??? Whatever a couple hours later we’re in her apartment, her roommates are there as well. We end up brushing the previous convo under the rug. Here she tells me her girlfriend “S” is leaving next semester to study abroad and won’t be back until the summer. Honestly I’m like “oh, so you want me around because your babe is leaving?” But I think she did this because I’m like one of her only friends here on campus. Any who we get back to how we were previously, laughing, joking around, and even tickling each other! She says she has a headache so I start to rub the back of her neck to relive the tension, unknowingly to me she says that spot always gets her sleepy and well it was kind of like those movie scenes, and everything is in slow motion. We lock eyes and man, my stomach had like ten thousand butterflies in there. We just sit there looking at each other for like minutes. If I didn’t jump up and leave I think know we would’ve kissed.

    Well after that day me and “A” took a hiatus from each other and me and “K” started to get even closer and that’s why I’m here. “A” texted me over winter break wishing me a Merry Christmas and we’ve made plans to hangout sometime after break, but I feel like she is either : a) using me while her girlfriend is gone or b) might just want to hang out because like I said I’m one of her only friends here and then there’s “K”. I like her too, but she acts like she doesn’t like me which is cool, but she gets mad when I hang out with “A”. I feel like we could be a really awesome duo, but she has slight “fuck boy” traits. UGGHH! Can someone give me an outside opinion on this please?
     
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  2. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    It sounds like you got yourself into kind of a pickle.

    First off when A asked "why didn't you tell me sooner?" She probably meant before she left the group and started dating S. She was probably into you but thought you weren't into her and S beat you to the punch. You need to ask A if she would be interested in dating you instead of S. If she says yes then you need to decide if you and A have more in common than you and K. It sounds like the only reason you are hanging with K is because A is no longer around and you think K is cool. But, it doesn't sound like she's right for you if she smokes and you can't accept that.

    Make a list of each of their pros and cons in order to help you decide which you'd rather date. If A says she would only be interested in dating you until S returns you'll probably want to move on from that. But, is K really right for you?

    One last thing. What kind of group is it that won't allow you to date someone within the group? There are so few places to meet other gay people I would think that a university group would be a safe place to meet others. Of course you're going to meet someone and develop an interest in them. Making one of you leave the group seems a bit harsh. You might want to bring this up at one of your meetings. It sems like the group has rules that need to be overhauled.
     
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  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    My outside opinion: the technical word for this is drama-tastic.

    A loves attention, and she loved yours. I'm not quite sure what kind of organizational hijinks requires quitting and secret emails and announcements, and what kind of student org forbids dating (I am actually pretty sure that most student orgs exist to facilitate dating, especially queer ones), but lets come back to the crux of the issue: she left the organization for S, not for you, but she is jealous of your friendships within the organization she voluntarily left. Even though you two clicked, that is a huge red flag for me, and I can't quite see past it to see A as a good potential girlfriend. She got with someone else, lost a little of her hold over you (reasonably! where you supposed to wait around between snuggle sessions to be her fliratious bestie?), and got annoyed with you that you chose to keep your feeling private out of deference to her relationship - because she lost another opportunity for your attention. I have a strong suspicion that A thrives on drama, and doesn't really know what she wants out of these relationships/friendships except to be adored.

    Where is S in all this? How long have they been together, and is she aware that her girlfriend is plotting her replacement for her study abroad? Flirting and getting close to making out with a "friend"? Maybe that's fine with her, maybe they're breaking up or planning an open relationship, but I think when you're considering a partner it's always worth being aware of how they treat their current/recent flames. A is treating S like crap via her flirtation with you, and even though that feels good on your end, it does not speak particularly well of A or her ability to be a good partner.

    In short: don't get with A, I think she's bad news and in 2 years you will look back on this mess and really regret allowing yourself to be treated this way/ allowing A to treat S so badly on your behalf.

    K sounds like the BDOC, but that's not the problem. Her experience, being a college dyke dream, and smoking are not real problems; her weird jealousy and unwillingness to let you know if she likes you are. I think you should ask her what's up with her when you hang out with A (I'd bet that her response is, "that girl is drama and she's using you for attention, I don't want to see you hurt," which is very sweet in a controlling sort of way) and remind her that while you appreciate her concern, you get to hang out with whoever you want. Someone who cannot respect that isn't a great friend or a potential girlfriend, and I'd give her the chance to get her feelings about A and/or you in the open. It may be that she is behaving this way because she sees how hung up on A you are, and feels like she can't make a move (if she wants to). At some point in this kind of awkwardsauce friendship-turned-flirtation, you have to open the door to something more than friendship and take a risk.

    It may be, though, that K does not want to date you, but just loves having you as a really close friend. This is a thing among lesbian relationships, especially between college students - emotional intimacy between close close friends can feel a whole lot like love. Some of these friendships cross the line and become relationships, and some of them do not, and some of them are great with sex thrown in the mix, and some are better as friendships. If K has all this experience, though, she knows how to cross that line with girls she knows, and it is significant that she has not yet done that with you - either because she doesn't want to, doesn't know you're interesting, or thinks that she shouldn't.

    In short, talk to K. You need more information before making a call on whether she is even available/interesting to you.

    With both A and K, I find myself deeply alarmed by how jealous/controlling these friends are. It is really really weird, among adults - and college students are practicing adulthood, so let's hold them to that high standard - to think you have any say about who your friends are friends with. You can privately think that your friends' other friends suck; you can bitch about them to a third party; you can, as a friend, say "hey, I am kind of worried about how X treats you, is everything cool there?" or "you always blow me off to hang with X, and it bothers me, could we make sure to keep plans or maybe we can't hang out anymore" - but you generally don't pout about it or pull faces. I get the sense that either of these girls would, as your girlfriend, try to stop you from being friends with the other - and, even as they have been a little immature IMO in their dealings with you, they have both been important friends to you, and no girlfriend gets to tell you to stop having important friendships (or even unimportant ones). Do you want to continue the dynamic you have with either of them into a more intense, complicated level? If their weird jealousy continues, do you want to be dealing with it as you make more and better friends? Do you trust that they could change these weird jealous behaviors and respect your boundaries and needs in a relationship? (The answer to these questions could be, yes! But you should ask them before getting involved with people who exhibit these kind of tendencies.)

    And really... I get the feeling that you feel like you are careening toward an inevitable relationship with one of them, and that's fine because you really want a relationship. BUT you don't seem that psyched about either of them at this point, except that they are into you (in these weird, poorly communicated ways). I have gotten myself into a bunch of bad, ambiguous romances because I really wanted someone to see and love me. Every time, I knew that their was weirdness or red flags - controlling behavior (A and K), wandering eye (A), behavior I didn't love (K's smoking), or whatever. Every time, I ended up feeling worse for letting myself be treated in a way that hurt me, even if there were good things about the relationship; it took me years to learn to say no to bad offers, and a few more years of saying no before I could recognize a good offer or speak up for myself to improve a bad one.

    That's not to say that these offers are necessarily bad, but from what you've described they are not necessarily great either. So, I just want to say that your options are a) A, b) K, c)neither, and d) some other girl who you haven't noticed yet because you've been embroiled in this BS.
     
    #3
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