what's the right action?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Mini-Milk, Sep 14, 2014.

  1. Mini-Milk

    Mini-Milk Member

    Sep 14, 2014
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    To anyone who takes the time to reply - much appreciation.

    I need advice.

    Backstory- So I met my girlfriend through friends in a bar pretty much as soon as I had returned from a trip to the Far East that had lasted 6 months. At the time of meeting, I had a one year visa approved for New Zealand, that had a one year expiry on it. A visa that because of my age I could never apply/get again.

    Since the relationship took us both by surprise, we fell in love very quickly, had an undeniable connection that translated both emotionally and physically- I delayed my trip by six months! not wanting to arrive in their winter - I delayed my trip as humanly long as I could. Leaving my girlfriend was traumatic for us both. Being mature we both agreed since the trip was for a year we would remain friends but not try for anything else till I returned. I was away a year. It was hard in every conceivable way possible for us both. Traumatic events like that can change a person, and it did for us both.

    When I returned home- the union that we so badly wanted did not take place - we were like strangers to one another and the impact of being apart for so long was untenable. We did not restart the relationship. Her life was ever increasingly demanding with her job, and I feeling horribly lost fell into a depression, one so deep that I didn't seem to feel anything, I did not know the direction of my life or how to rescue it. Or even why I would want to.

    I let several months slip by in a kinda of no mans land, we would see each other sporadically, but still the distance festered - I now living back with my parents several hours away from where she lived with her parents. She knew that things needed to change drastically in her life- she wanted to move into her own home and she repeatedly told me how empty she felt.
    I felt the same, I had a property to take charge of that was four hours away from my parents, that had tenants in that meant I couldn't do anything but wait the three months till they moved out and so my life was just on hold. My heart was numb my outlook bleak. I felt like the poor relation to her, with no job, no happiness and no home to speak of.

    Those few months moved slowly, all the time increasing the void between us, her convinced I didn't love her or want her, me convinced I didn't love my life, myself and the dark cloud over me numbed me to life.

    I came home in August.

    December 13 the was the last time she ever lay in my arms in any meaningful way and was the last time we had sex, and the first time I felt the stirrings of myself come back. It was also the last time we ever were intimate again.

    By the beginning of the following year, the tenants had moved out and come January 1st I had moved back into my old house along with my dad; who I have a very tempestuous relationship with to do a refurb on my flat to get it liveable again.

    It took four months to do, and I cried most nights, but to her credit she was always there for me and always supportive. We have always had absolute friendship at our core. We never saw each other in this time, I was busy with the refurb - her with her job.

    Perhaps pridefully, I wanted her to see the flat when it was done. I wanted her to be proud of me, I wanted to feel not like the poor relation but an equal. Working with my dad had been horrible but it resulted in me getting my life back. Around the same time she also started looking for a house and was consumed by that process, she also took up random sports and saw her friends more.

    When my house was done, my depression lifted and I got a good job using my degree, and I started to feel whole again, I also took up a course in neurology to further myself in helping people through trauma which is a personal interest of mine-things got better and I started to excel in work, I contacted her a lot to see of she could visit but alias she could not. We still spoke everyday on the phone and whilst the physical distance was there we were very warm and loving and supportive of each other.

    Then In May of that year she met someone. What started as a drunken night, turned into two turned into dating. Initially I was happy for her her love tanks were empty, I still lived an hour and half from her and she was convinced I didn't want her - having never had depression herself it was hard for her to understand how it robs you of everything. She also felt I was away too long, and despite my attempts to get her to visit me she wouldn't. despite my numerous attempts at pleading she never showed. which spoiled things for me and made me angry at her for not wanting to share my joy at my new flat or new job or new course.

    The girl she met was/ is 10 years younger that her at only 23. initially it was just a few dates and now they have been together nearly 6 months. I ask her if it's like we were, she says it's not. (Hot and heavy)

    When we were together we were unmatched in our happiness, but all that came after seems to have served as a constant reminder to her why we shouldn't be together.

    Here 's the thing. I still love her, wholeheartedly. Completely. I would willingly sell my flat now, and am doing so to move to her city. I want to be serious with her.

    We are in discussions about it now, because she also still loves me. The path to love isn't easy and we have had a tough ride of it, however we are both moral people and we can not just do as we please because there is a third party to consider here.

    My ex says to me that she feels it's morally wrong to break up with someone who hasn't done anything wrong and has implied to her that they love her. whilst I sympathise I am heartbroken. We are of similar age and we have same values, ethics and all the other things you need to keep love alive.

    We just met at the wrong time, when we were both plagued with practical and emotional concerns, all of which in the fullness of time has been resolved.

    My ex is risk adverse though and I feel like a big gamble to her, she doesn't doubt our relationship, or me, it's the fact she giving up a perfectly good relationship with someone who whilst isn't giving her the emotional highs, is also not giving her the emotional lows. someone whose safe. she says they don't ever argue, unfortunately whilst we didn't when we were together, when I came back from being away we didn't get on great - so now I feel like a massive gamble to her. One she might regret if we were to fall out.

    Here's the thing, I wrote her an email - we both conceded we could of both done things better, me with making an effort and her with keeping the distance to a minimum. we both admit we love each other. We are both hugely troubled these events.

    I'm afraid if I concede defeat and just let her get on with things with this new girl it will go on for years and I won't be young anymore, she is 33 and I am 35. can love be this cruel- seriously?

    I told her the 23 yr old will find love with someone new and that she will bounce back and that five months of dating someone isn't a huge amount of time, and if she is hurting it's all part of growing up. This 23 yr old has just come out of a 4 year relationship, so technically she been coupled up since she was 19, she has only just come out to her parents as we'll, so my ex feels quite maternal towards her and protective, not wanting to cause her anguish, which I admire, but honestly I fear for my own sanity through this, I am just heartbroken, I can't seem to not translate it through my eyes.

    I respect my ex and her feelings and i honour whatever decision she makes, because I know it will way heavily on her. She says to me that she's dammed if she does or she doesn't because she hurts someone, and she thinks I can handle it better.

    I tried to reason with her, plead my case, implore her not to leave, beseech every inch of me to her, and whilst she concedes she loves me very much and that what we had was very different to what she has now, she doesn't want to break up with someone whose done nothing wrong and to who she feels maternal over.

    I told her to just be straight with her gf and tell her our story so she could see, that it's not reflective of her, it's just too souls that belong together that had to figure some stuff out. she said no to that.

    I said to say it's an age thing then, I asked her if she loved her- she said she liked her very much and that she was happy with her. should I just get over her.?

    I just need advice please. Is she right to feel this way, not that emotion is logical, and in college, they say that strong emotion makes you stupid, but is she right to want to throw away what we have after all this journey we have been through to get to this point, because she feels morally obliged to stay with someone after five months.?
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    I am sorry for this timing/long distance thing that broke you and your ex up. All the things you went through with housing, parents, finances would have been bearable in a relationship in person but a thousand times more trying apart.

    I think what broke you guys up was during your times apart, you really wanted her to act a certain way to show she cared and she really wanted you to act a certain way to show you cared. But neither of you got what you wanted. You kept it cordial long distance but when you finally got together, you had pent up things to deal with so things piled up and blew up like some emotional silo.

    Right now, I do agree with you that you can't really stay with a person just because they had done nothing wrong. However, she feels what she feels and like you said, you have got to respect her wishes on this. You have pleaded your case explicitly and it is time to stop. I think the only way to possibly get her back is let her go, show that you care about her consistently, no matter what (not some showy desperate attempt). While she likes things firey with you, she trusts consistency more. Now is the time to find out more about her and ask about her day and just listen.

    Congrats by the way, on getting all the other things in order. 35 is still a baby. :p
  3. Mini-Milk

    Mini-Milk Member

    Sep 14, 2014
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    Thanks for the advice.

    My ego is demanding that I rid myself of this and not take another second more. Whilst my heart feels utterly fractured - the pain of all this is unbearable.

    I read a quote today that's said ' your destiny is not tied to someone who has the ability to walk away' . I feel very empty right now, I feel humiliation for writing an email to her, throwing myself away on someone unable to hear. Simultaneously I can only think of her embrace, her familiar smell, her reassurance. It's haunts me that maybe I won't be able to kiss her again, or hold her.

    On further self examination I discovered that adversity, whilst unpleasant isn't meant to make us suffer, it is in fact only meant to make us realise that we can not connect to love through another, whilst it pleasant to do this, and we have been conditioned to think this is so- what's really required is to unhitched our cart from another and connect to love through ourselves and then offer it out.

    I am meanwhile entrenched in heartbreak. I have lost the ability to be at peace, to eat or sleep. And doubt like a shark has actively devoured me.

    what I should be doing is maintaining a cheery out look, whilst turning the whole situation over to fate to rectify, since it has become obvious to me that I am powerless to change a thing, and doing anything else has resulted in a loss of self esteem.

    Why is too much to trust, and to believe - to let events play out, without feeling the need to act like a goat and charge into things.

    The way of the heart just feels too hard for me and I am scared for my own sanity, wanting something too much always has dire results.
  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    I am sorry this is more of a post break up type of thing. I had the impression that you are in very close communications with your ex.

    Please know that you are probably right that you are a better choice for her and she for you. That you are a good match. But she gave up that choice over fears and not because she didn't care for you. It is hard to let go even knowing that but I think you are strong enough to get through it. You can get to the point of feeling better. Distance and not being connected electronically as well for a while would really help. Eventually even the twinge will go away.
  5. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

    Jan 25, 2014
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    If she is not willing to break up with her current GF for you, then you should respect that. They were together for a while, and a serious relationship can start in a matter of days. I wasn't looking for LOVE when I meant my wife, but things clicked the first night and hasn't stopped. The previous "love of my life" was 5 years prior... and it was HOT AND HEAVY... and we were about the same age. My wife is 14 years younger than me, while it wasn't the same as the previous "love" or the 4 month intensity... I easily KNOW that my wife is the best thing for me... Love, respect, equality and trust... that looking back, I couldn't have gotten from the previous relationship.

    You and your EX have the love... not much else. Sorry, someone should have made the trip to be closer together a long time ago. At 35... you are still young too. And these things HAPPEN. Timing is an important PART of being with someone you love, again - it HAPPENS ALL THE TIME AND IT SUCKS! Imagine if the situation was reversed.

    We helped a woman for several months, she had eyes for a woman who was dating others or she was dating someone else. (the short version) Finally, she put her heart out and told the other woman "I'm willing to break up with my new GF of a week or so to be with you". They cleared the lines of communications and we wish them both the very best.

    There are a few options available to you, most are not in your control:
    1 - She dumps young woman, and you get together.
    2 - She doesn't dump young woman and you move on. Start dating others.
    3 - She doesn't dump young woman and you sit and wait... 3 months, 3 years, 30 years for them to break up.
    4 - She doesn't dump young woman and you keep trying to get her back (this can rub someone the wrong way - eventually).
    5 - You try a polygamous relationship, which either happens or not... or works or fails. (This is a 3-way relationship, which has its benefits and challenges.)

    #1 doesn't appear to be happening. #2 is most likely option. #3 is depressing and unhealthy. #4 is likely and will end badly. #4 is a gamble and more likely option than #1... you both get what you want, but it would be up to her GF to be open to such a relationship and if there is compatibility.

    You're not old... but you are not getting any younger. :?

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