What would you think?

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by anonymous160, Dec 22, 2014.

  1. anonymous160

    anonymous160 Member

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    #1
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2014
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  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Jesus wept, woman!

    1. You have a girlfriend;
    2. C is a coworker
    3. C is married

    For those reasons alone, it really shouldn't matter what I think or anyone else thinks on your situation. Maybe she finds you attractive; maybe she doesn't. But do you really want to be the one to cause trouble in not only your own relationship but in hers as well? Don't cheat -- don't encourage C to cheat. And you should never hook up with a coworker -- when things go bad, you're stuck and that could have potential ramifications for your job/career. I cannot count how many times people in your situation ask these questions.

    If anything, be flattered but that's about it. Set boundaries and don't encourage anything other than friendship.
     
    #2
  3. Emm

    Emm Well-Known Member

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    I think Spygirl pretty much covered it all in points 1-3.
    She's a married co-worker who played the 'If I wasn't' card & you're in a relationship.
    I don't know what your other interactions with her are like but there is an enormous difference between her saying 'If I wasn't married I would go for you' and her actually having any intention to realistically do it.
    Be flattered yes.
    Play the 'what if' game with her in your head? NO
     
    #3
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  4. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    I don't really understand why people say that - "if I'm not in a relationship, I would totally do you..." I understand having a crush on someone other than your SO but saying it out loud to that person, I think, crosses some boundaries. I totally agree with what @Emm and @Spygirl said. I also want to add, maybe the real question is, why are you even confused of her behaviour? Maybe you're a little bored and you need some kind of spark? Maybe you need to renew your relationship? There are a lot of ways to do that but letting that other woman mess with your head is not the way to go.
     
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  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    It's nice to know you're desirable but also really great to know that after said ego boost you return home to the woman you're in a relationship with. Let this go as a thing that was said and needs no action on your part.
     
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  6. anonymous160

    anonymous160 Member

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    Thanks for all your replies. I'm not going to act on it, it was more out of curiosity and probably a bit of an ego boost like Nancy said. I've never had anyone say anything like this before, I didn't wanna look like a fool also or upset her if I put distance between us if there is no reason to and she was just being friendly. Thanks again for all your thoughts :)
     
    #6
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  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I have a slightly different take on this than everyone else. Thought I wind up in about the same place.

    So I'll give you my take, then I;'' give you my opinmon about what you "should" do.

    My take - she just came out to you. And has the hots for you. One of the strange things aobut being gay is that our potential dates and our pool of friends is one and the same. Which can lead to weird boundaries. Many people "come out" for the first time to a crush. This can lead to a weird situation, where the person you are interested in is also the person you want help from in coming out.

    And this lady sounds a bit confused. "I was raised religious, but now, hey, I realize I totally have the hots for you. And I'm gonna throw in some denial stuff about loving the person and not the gender." That is a tough place to be in. She needs to sort this out, but you - coworker in a commited relationship that she is attracted to - are not the right person to help her. Which doesn't mean she doesn't need someone to talk to - she clearly does.

    Secondly, I have a lot of empathy. Her comment is really sad "If I weren't married...." This is very different from saying "I really love my husband...." She's phrased it like she is married and locked in her marriage, but doesn't feel that spark towards her husband. Maybe she's gay, maybe she's bi and just in a lousy marriage - but it's sad.

    As for what you "should" do. My eopinion - just set boundaries and stay away. You don't want to be in the middle of a coworker coming out and dealing with their lousy marriage. You don't want it to be a distraction at work and a minefield you have to negotiate.

    I guess if it was me, I'd just shut it down very honestly. "We're coworkers, you aren't my type, I don't think this is appropriate." You can have empathy for what she needs to work out, without getting cautght up in it.

    sorry about the typos, I'm not feeling great.
     
    #7
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  8. Chris Chris

    Chris Chris Member

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    Nothing more to say except that I hope she figures it out for her own happiness. Not living who you really are is sad and exhausting. The clock ticks fast and I hope she doesn't wake up at 40 and realizes she has lived a lie being married to a man. In my opinion she has to figure it out and do it the right way without involving another person as an experimental outlet.
    I do agree with everyone else no matter how flattering it is to be hit on. It's a triangle of trouble...your gf, her hubby and co-worker. I do not mean to sound like a boring person but exercising moral and ethics will be appropriate in this matter. :}
     
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  9. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I ask the same thing as Rac and came up with something more negative but a bit on the thinking of Nancy's. I do like Nancy's answer better than my own because things like that mess with your head enough already and her answer would help me not to dwell on it.

    I have had things like that said to me and often I felt like it was someone trying to make me feel better about a situation I was in. For instance once I lost a relationship and someone said the I would date you if I were not married thing. Your co-worker could be processing this thing about your sexuality in her head and meant something like, "When I was growing up, being gay was not accepted. But I don't subscribe to the way I was raised, and in fact I would date you if I were not married, you are cute!". On my grumpier days I would find either situation rather condesending but I do like the way Nancy is looking at it as the other person attempting an ego boost. It is something I would never say myself. And when someone say it to me I would run and tell my partner just for comfort because I really don't like hearing that.
     
    #9
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  10. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    I heard that line mostly from drunk straight girls, that's why the cynicism (plus I was still jet-lagged when I read your post.) I'm not very good dealing with those kind of compliments because it's easy to get lost with the good feeling it gives you.

    I still say don't go there if you're not sure things will stay friendly. If she is indeed trying to come out, then sure, try to understand and help her figure it out. Just make sure you're not helping her because you see a potential there.
     
    #10
  11. anonymous160

    anonymous160 Member

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    Feel better soon Bluenote!

    The coming out comments are interesting as someone else mentioned that and that she seemed really confused. Before she has said she would never go into lesbian territory and she is not into that yet in a later conversation she said if she had her mum would have killed her which seemed to be the real answer.

    I am jumping back and forth but she did hug me when we were at the party; the front on type. I haven't seen her do that with anyone else and I wasn't sure why she was doing it then.

    More background:
    She has mentioned that her marriage was really bad a couple of years ago and some negative things about her husband before, which again could point to unhappiness in her marriage.

    The way she is with me, I have tried to look at how she is with others and I do think she generally acts differently to me. She seems to try and grab me to talk to her more than others. When we talk the eye contact is intense and she touches my arm and hands. Another woman told me that since I started talking to C, C doesn't talk to her anymore.

    I would like to talk to her about it but she can be changeable, some days she is professional and won't mention anything and the next she is bringing it up at every opportunity. She did say she wants to take me out for a better lunch (bad food last time!) so maybe I should bring it up then but again I don't know how to. I am really poor at this sort of thing hence why I came here.
     
    #11
  12. bowtiesarecool

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    You got a "Jesus wept, woman!" too, I see.
     
    #12
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  13. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    Let's forget C for a minute. You mentioned you have a girlfriend and this is the part that is confusing me. You said girlfriend, you didn't say for how long or how serious but still, you referred to her as girlfriend. She is not a girl you are casually dating. She is your girlfriend for a reason. I don't know with you but I take that term seriously.

    Before you think of C's intention, maybe you want to think first how this is going to affect the other person in your life. If this is just an ego-boost then that's fine, you can stop reading this. But from what I have read so far, you kept thinking whether or not there's something more there. Please tell me I'm reading this wrong.

    I've been there before and I'm telling you, knowing you hurt someone is not a good feeling at all (even if it's for the best.) I'm not saying you should stick with your girlfriend to the end because I don't really know your situation but before you spend time and effort trying to figure out C, maybe you want to ask yourself first, is this really something worth hurting someone for?
     
    #13

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