What to do when someone is hitting on your wife?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by goodenough4me2, Jun 19, 2015.

  1. goodenough4me2

    goodenough4me2 New Member

    May 16, 2013
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    My wife and I are currently working as crew on a film. A lot of the crew have a group chat going on Facebook where people generally chat.

    However one of the guys has started private messaging my wife. He has told her that she is exactly his type and reminds him of his ex. He has basically said he is attracted to her. He also says things like he thinks she's the nicest person in the world.

    He knows she is married to me and has asked a few questions about it. But he also kind of implied that 'things can change'

    I feel incredibly uncomfortable about this series of events. I feel like it's very disrespectful to me and I basically want to make it clear that he should back off and leave my wife alone.

    However I don't want to make things awkward on set. We have only really just started filming and will all be working together for awhile. Also he is a big character, who has a loud group of friends on set so I also don't want to cause any divides or friction.

    Advice would be greatly appreciated!
  2. Narley

    Narley Well-Known Member

    Nov 25, 2014
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    Although you haven't actually said it, I'm assuming your wife has told you all this and is just as uncomfortable with the situation. Is that right? Possibly a simple polite message back to him from her would defuse the situation. Saying she's very flattered but also giving a clear and resounding "Not interested! please move on"
    If he still persists it's probably wise to consult with the hr on the matter. Whilst it's a crew for a film it's also a professional work environment. He also needs to be respectful of that.
    Hope the situation resolves itself for you.
    greylin likes this.
  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    This is a powerplay for him and he gets doses of power from both of you being anxious about this. First off, you and your wife need to be in good communications on what to do on this and forgive each other if either one panics and goes off the script. No.1 is for you to ask your wife if there is anything she wants you to do, give her the power to decide on this and let her know you are upset about what he is doing to HER. Someone like that knows that what he does will cause anger, anxiety and a bit of feeling flattered despite the lack of attraction. So be supportive.

    I think the best thing since this is for your job safety as well is for her to reply and ask him to keep his communications with her on a work related basis. One simple line is all. Narley's suggestion is friendlier but I think when it starts ending up in HR there should be nothing gray. Keep it loose in the shoulders and friendly at work especially around him and for what it's worth I want to drop kick him for you and your wive.
    Narley likes this.
  4. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Agree with the others. Also your wife should be the one stepping in and saying that she's not interested at all and is happily married to you and wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
    greylin and Narley like this.
  5. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

    Jan 25, 2014
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    Your wife should be the first line of defense on this type of situation. As stated above: she should reply with "flattered. but not interested, I'm married."

    While you both are on the job - its not worth your relationship. If he cannot get the point, then talk to HR. As a film crew - they don't need to have people leaving because someone else can't control themselves. They would be more upset with HIM than you.

    While people working behind the camera are generally cool with generally a loose/laid back; especially off the clock - the work must get done, and trying to mess with another couple, especially married couple is not cool.

    Hope it has been resolved.
    greylin likes this.
  6. anon62333

    anon62333 Member

    Nov 27, 2014
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    I'm in the mood to deck someone. May I have the honour?
  7. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

    Jul 26, 2013
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    Why is your wife still talking to this man? If she really respected you and your relationship she would have stopped all conversations with this man in chat and in person. Any dickhead who would tell a married woman that things can change isn't worth her friendship.

    Start with her first. Ask why she doesn't just ignore him when she's online. I'd also ask if she's having any contact with him offline as well. Something is fishy here. Your wife is giving him attention and you need to find out why.

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