What to do next?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by TSimpz, Feb 19, 2016.

  1. TSimpz

    TSimpz New Member

    Aug 4, 2015
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    Basically, I have always known I am gay – I have never really been attracted to men. Up until recently, I believed that I am pretty accepting of this – I have never had a boyfriend, and I don’t have any interest in getting one.

    The thing is, while I would never seek a relationship with a man, I am not out. As a consequence of not being out, I have never been with a woman. I’m not sure I want to come out yet – it’s not that I need to be with a woman “to be sure”, but I’m just not ready to come out until I’m comfortable with the whole thing, so to speak.

    I have come to wonder recently if this is some kind of internalised homophobia...What I’m really wondering though, on a practical level, is how to meet women when I’m not out to friends etc, and explore this part of my life without being scrutinised by people I know. I’m not so sure I would be into joining groups/ getting involved with activism – I am in a conservative career, and I’m not so sure I would have the time to spare either. So, pubs? Clubs? Any other ways? Any and all help appreciated!
  2. Gyldenragg

    Gyldenragg Well-Known Member

    Jul 6, 2013
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    First of all, you don't necessarily have to be 'out' in order to find and connect with other gay people. So you don't have to tell your friends/family/colleagues anything at this point if you're not comfortable with it. If you do meet a girl who you suspect is gay/suspects you're gay I'd maybe try to...not stubbornly deny being at least a little attracted to girls or being open for the possibility at least. Some of us have a somewhat functioning gaydar but you're not making it any easier if you completely deny it either. (Just taking myself as an example, if I met a girl I liked whom I suspected was into girls and then she outright denied it over and over..well, I would respect that and not pursue anything - regardless of whether I believed it completely or not).

    Most importantly though, I'm not sure if it's internalized homophobia, fear or something else but I would suggest you work on that as your starting point. I'm not sure how 'familiar' you are with the lgbt community, but coming here and posting this is a great beginning. By dipping your toes into it you're at least allowing yourself to 'normalize' your impressions of what it means to be gay (spoiler: there isn't a massive difference ;p).

    You don't have to go all activist just because you might decide to immerse yourself a little more. Pubs is a great idea. So are clubs if there are any nearby. Maybe have a look online and see if there are any hangouts or lowkey events taking place where lgbt members are meeting up. Or have a little shout out here on AE to see if anyone lives around where you do, maybe you can organize a little meetup (I know some groups of users used to do that a few years ago).
    greylin likes this.
  3. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

    Jul 23, 2013
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    I understand where you are coming from. Knowing you like girls is just part of discovering yourself as a person, who is a gay woman. Saying it out loud can be scary. I don't think is homophobia, I think is acceptance, it just works different for everyone.

    I guess because of your career, you will maintain your personal life separate, which also allows you to feel comfortable with exploring. So you will need to build relationships outside work and your usual community. Furthermore, you will need to invest some time building those connection otherwise there is not way you will meet people.

    Personally, I find it a little intimidating to do a fully immersed experience into the gay community. In despite of my charm, I am quite shy, and being open about my sexuality makes me feel vulnerable. I think I wouldn't try that, at least not at first. I think I would go with a middle ground approach. Perhaps, start with an activity of interest. For example, a photography group were I can meet other people (you would already have something in common), in particular if they are only-women groups.

    @Gyldenragg's recommendation are good. Check meet-up groups, or events near known LGBT neighborhoods. Also, online groups can be a start.
    Gyldenragg and greylin like this.

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