What the....

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by RomanticSoul, Jun 4, 2016.

  1. RomanticSoul

    RomanticSoul Member

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    Hi everyone, i hope someone or anyone can give me some insight on my ex or the actions itself.
    I was with my ex for 2 years, we started as just friends for a few years before we got together and they were great years, sure we had bumps but we were a great team worked through them. we loved each other deeply and even talked marriage. there was some distance as in locations between us but we managed and were tight. over the last few months of the relationship she wanted to date others and i of course was heart broken i even told her i would move to be closer to her. This wasn't good enough, she just couldn't understand or want to that i was willing to move closer and ask her to marry me - this was mention several times over the relationship way before she talked about dating others. well we broke up and i took time away from her to heal yet she kept messaging me complaining that i wasn't talking to her what was wrong with me(this girl is selfish in some ways but her heart is good) i told her i need time for me, to work on me since she dumped me - i didn't want to try to heal while trying to be just a friend. time went on and i healed, even dated again, gain new friends etc. our communication and friendship was not the same after the break up, she kept calling me an acquaintance to her which hurt and i just couldn't understand when months before she was begging to keep our friendship. anyway i cut ties again and gradually over the past couple months we started over again becoming friends,starting from the beginning again. well over the past month even more so over the last couple weeks she has been coming to me for advice on this girl she has interest in. even going into detail how she thinks she could fall for her etc well this kinda hurts in a way - i gave no indication that was on the table for talking since we were just beginning to become friends. she was distant and cold the whole time we started talking again,, i assume work,personal life etc i assume i was just an acquaintance again or beginning stages of a friend not that best friend of many years tell me everything .part of me thinks cause the history is there that she assumes its just like it was before we dated. i had friends tell me she is trying to rub it in my face to get a reaction from me. I will said she was always the type to consider herself first hardly think of the other person but i always had a soft spot for people who needed help or needed a friend. i feel used in a sense cause i have the intentions of building a friendship with her again cause she is a good person minus the flaws but i feel she is only coming to me again now cause she needs girl advice cause she don't know many people who are gay/bi with experience. she still seems confused as what she wants. but only talking to me when she wants girl advice is throwing me off -- it leaves me wondering what happen to that girl that i talked to often about everything in our lives from work to hobbies to travel etc who is this girl only coming to me asking girl advice on a potential girl she wants to be with. i feel confused. my mind is telling me to cut ties again let more time pass by cause eventually this may hurt me again. but my heart tells me to try to be there as a friend to her cause of the history. i just want insight on why she only talks to me about this, is it to get an reaction from me? is it cause there is nobody else? i would ask her directly but i know her she has never told me directly about certain things i had to dig it out and i honestly don't have the time for it i want people to be direct. but why would a girl go to her ex who she is trying to build a friendship from scratch again constantly mention wanting this girl and not normal everyday stuff. i like my friends talk to me about everything even ask how i am doing but this one its only one topic and im kinda of getting tired of it. am i looking too much into this or am i right to wonder why only this topic is talked about esp to me her ex?
     
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  2. JillianB

    JillianB Member

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    Hi - first off, let me say that you are very brave for continuing to try to help her even after all the heart break. BUT I truly believe that you need to cut ties and leave it at that. Since there is so much history, you are never going to be able to really move on unless you get out of that situation and stay out. I am not sure what her motive is when asking you for advice but in all honestly, you need to consider yourself. You have done enough and she clearly is only thinking about herself. Hope this helps.
     
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  3. RomanticSoul

    RomanticSoul Member

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    Thanks Jillian :) what you said confirmed what my mind was telling me.like I said part of me is like bye and the other part wants to be there but in the end it will be me who gets hurt and I'm tired of it especially with this girl. You're right in saying I need to get out of that situation. Even now after all this time she is still thinking about herself. I guess there was a small fraction of hope in that she remembered how good a friendship we had but I guess I'm not even wanted as that. I need to start standing up for myself more, look out for me and not giving in to certain people every time.
    Thanks again for the advice!



     
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  4. JillianB

    JillianB Member

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    Absolutely! Trust me, I know it's hard to let go of something that has been such a big part of your life, especially when there is that hopeful feeling that is still there but I believe you will feel so much better once you accomplish that!
     
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  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Cut ties.

    She is selfish -- she wants her cake and wants to eat it too. She doesn't want to be with you but she wants everything else about you without regard for your feelings. A real friend wouldn't do that...if she cared about you at all, she would try to be a real friend and not seek dating advice especially if she knew how this was making you feel.

    And trust me..being in a relationship for 2 years is NOT a long time. That's when most happy relationships either end or progress....
     
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  6. RomanticSoul

    RomanticSoul Member

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    I believe you are right that i will feel so much better - i did the first time i cut ties - this girl has that way of giving false hope and yet bring drama. I guess i am too nice in some ways and get walk over at times. I know that everyone who is telling me to cut ties is right i guess i just wanted clarification on what should be done and what others would do. Thank you again for your motivating words :)

     
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  7. RomanticSoul

    RomanticSoul Member

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    Thanks Spygirl, you are right i know you are, cut ties it has to be. i have been in relationships way longer than this but this is the first one that confused me on how she acts and you are right she is selfish, friends told me before and i would push it off, it wasn't until i step away the first time that i realize this. i guess her false hope trick me again thinking she wanted me in her life even as a friend. She isn't a real friend as you said, none of my other friends have done something like this to me. And i know she has done it to every other ex so its something she wont change obviously. Guess that was that side of me thinking she would change when someone showed her real feelings. BUT its not my problem anymore and i won't allow it, she wants her cake and eat it too but she isn't getting that from me anymore. Thanks for saying what i needed to hear!


     
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  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I don't quite get why you have given her so many chances.

    "She is really selfish, but she is a great friend." Huh? How can someone be selfish and a good friend. Maybe they can be selfish and cool to hang out with occasionally, but not a great friend.

    This girl seems like she just takes as much as people will let her, that is her mo in life. You have let her take a lot from you. What's that saying - fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Quit letting this girl 'fool' you. she hasn't changed in multiple chances and she won't change.

    So take care of yourself - cut ties and move on. Then take a long look at why you gave this girl so very many chances and why you let her take advantage of your good nature. Having a good nature is a good thing, but it would be best if you learned to protect yourself more. This girl exploited your patience and understanding. You deserve someone better - someone who will appreciate your loyalty, your empathy, your willingness to stick by your friends.

    Hang in there and good luck.
     
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  9. RomanticSoul

    RomanticSoul Member

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    Thanks very much Bluenote for your insight! - as with everyone here you all said the same thing, i guess i knew but that other part of me had some hope she would change,guess thats why i kept trying.
    But i had my share hurt from this girl, more than enough. its not what i want in someone even as a friend.
    today i took the step, i said what i needed to say and cut ties. of course i was to blame for everything, she didn't do no wrong according to her. i could have lost my cool and exploded at her, but i left at that i said what i needed to and walked away. I even remove her from fb and block her from contacting me from everywhere. And honestly, I do not feel upset over it i feel good about it. i do feel mad at myself somewhat for giving so many chances and letting her use me. But i will be more wiser when it comes to people, learn to protect myself more. Today the ladies that replied here gave me strength and for that i thank each one of you so much! it meant alot to me that someone else was seeing what i was, that it wasn't all me being crazy.
    Thank you ladies!

     
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  10. Plane Jane

    Plane Jane Active Member

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    You clearly have a kind and generous heart. You should be with someone who will appreciate that and love you for it, not take advantage of it.
     
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  11. RomanticSoul

    RomanticSoul Member

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    Thank you for the kind words :) I still believe that person will come along one day until then I'm going to look out for myself more than I have been.
     
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  12. Plane Jane

    Plane Jane Active Member

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    Yeah, having a kind heart doesn't mean you have to let people stomp on it.
     
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  13. RomanticSoul

    RomanticSoul Member

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    Thanks Mysterious girl :) You got a lot of things dead on - it was very draining for me to be the only one who cared enough to try, and i know now i shouldn't have tried so many times on a person who clearly was not interested in even having me as a friend - she was all talk. As someone said she wanted me around but not me just what i had or she could take from me.
    I did cut ties and i did tell her why of course i got yell at and i am the blame for i am jealous of her - her words! i have never been jealous of another person in my life, i have always wanted those around me happy even if they are an ex. she never once asked if she could to me for advice, she assume and went on and on. i am like everyone else i have a point of where enough is enough but i do need to start standing up for myself more.
    i thought of what you said about if i think of it what does she bring to the table that is positive for me - well honestly nothing! its negative in fact, i got to the point i dreaded to hear from her, i ignored her messages and texts here and there, i came to a point i didn't care what she had to say because it was always "me,me,me". Im a giving person that is true but i expect it in return as well, i was brought up that any kind of relationship goes both ways.
    I told a close friend what happened when i said my goodbye and why, my ex went crazy and blamed it all on me, i just ignored her and blocked her. my close friend knows what i had went through and could not believe she was so into herself that it wasn't her fault. in a way i wasn't shocked i felt something would be thrown at me to make me felt like a horrible person, she has done this in the past when i was weaker to get her way. now my eyes are open i wasn't falling for that and i wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of working me up, ,i left it as that deleted her text and started on my day.
    its been a few days now and i haven't gave my decision a second thought so i know that i did the right thing. and i have felt so light and free in a sense.
    thank you for your input - i appreciate it very much ! :)


     
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