What the hell do I do?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by florence88, Jan 10, 2016.

  1. florence88

    florence88 Member

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    Okay I feel sick to my stomach and I have no idea what to do.

    I've had this feeling my dad has been not been right this past few weeks. He has been acting differently lately. Back story - He got fired from his job and has been trying as hard as he can to get work. You can tell it's stressed him out but he is trying. He has got a temp job to tide him over whilst he finds a full time job (this is twice this has happened now). Lately he acts very suspicious with his phone - always on it and hiding it away. My mum and dad have been married for 30+ years, it's been tough but they have overcome a lot.

    Just a few moments ago I looked up (my dad is sat slightly in front of me in the living room/lounge) and I noticed a picture of a penis then quickly a picture of boobs flashes up, I am bewildered....this carries on, back and forth they send lewd images whilst myself and my mum are sat in the room. My mum is obviously unaware....I can't do anything but all I want to do is scream and slap my dad round the face for being disgusting and unfaithful (to an extent) to my mum, his wife.

    What do I do!? I know their marriage is strained, they bicker a lot but I just put this down to marriage and age (both 57/58).

    Seriously I couldn't move, I just sat frozen in my seat desperately wanting to look away but I couldn't. I just can't believe what my dad is doing, I can't even bare to look at him.
     
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  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Well, you either do nothing or you say something to your father about being inappropriate. However, it's not your job to police your parents. It's their marriage and it's really none of your business what your parents do or do not do. My parents divorced when I was in my 20's...and believe me, WAY too much information came out about what each of them did respectively in their 25 years of marriage. Apparently they kept score as to every infidelity (on both sides), argument, financial woe, etc. You name it, they probably argued about it. The point to all this is that through this I realized that both of my parents are human, with faults, even some that, too, made me sick to my stomach.

    Inserting yourself into this only creates additional stress for you -- and brings you into a situation over which you have absolutely no control. It also puts you in the middle of whatever uncomfortable situation exists between your parents, and for your own sanity, you cannot be the go between. And if you take sides -- you're likely going to get hurt as well. If you must speak your mind to your father -- confront him, but then move past it and live your own life. His behavior may downright disgust you, but he doesn't have to answer to you. The bottom line is that your parents are ultimately going to do what they want to do, regardless of whether you approve or disapprove. Also keep in mind that there may be a lot more to the story that you're not getting.
     
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  3. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    I agree with Spygirl. You do NOT want to be the one to blow things up between your mother and father's relationship. That is for them to work on (or not). You don't really know if your mother knows or not. She may be choosing to turn a blind eye. It could be something that she has agreed to that is acceptable between the two of them. In any case, it is not your business.

    It is ok for you to set limits with what is comfortable or uncomfortable for you, in your presence. And I know I would not like to see my dad looking at porn/naked pics in front of me while I'm in the living room with him. I think it is perfectly ok to have a conversation with him that it is something he needs to do when you are not around and can't see what he is doing. Yuck!!! He may be clueless that you know, but come on!, can't he do that stuff privately!?! I would tell anyone (in a private conversation, no matter how awkward it was) whether it was my parent, my adult child, my friend, or my co-worker, doesn't matter, if I was uncomfortable with him/her doing private stuff in a setting that actually wasn't private!...because...duh...you were sitting right there, dad! Not private! Sometimes, people need reminders that they are not as subtle or discreet as they think that they are. If you don't want to see it again, let him know you don't. He can do his dirty pics on his own time, somewhere not in front of you!
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    If he is just doing porn and sexting then fine don't tell your mom. However I do have a couple of concerns.

    If he is physically cheating, he can bring stuff back to your mom. Even if he uses protection, there are things that condoms don't cover. If that is the case and it is my own mom, I would tell her. Getting between your parents and having their marriage blow up would suck but health considerations trump that.

    If he is just into porn, and it is an addiction that might explain his work history. I have met a really cool guy, great worker but fell into such an addiction that he stopped being discreet even at his job. So he got his ass fired for that. I would talk to your dad first and feel out the situation.
     
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    Last edited: Jan 11, 2016
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  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think it is a bit weird that your dad has been fired twice. Being laid off, I get. Good people get laid off because of things beyond their control. But being fired is a much bigger deal.

    I agree with Spygirl that you don't want to get between your parents. It just sucks, because now you are between your parents. I mean, if you turn a blind eye and this blows up on your mom, then how will you feel. And if you bring it out publicly and all hell breaks loose...

    Honestly, your dad sounds compulsive. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy who will respond to you warning him to cool it. It sounds like he is going to push it until he gets caught. Just like he seems to have to push something at work.

    I don't think that you can stop this train. I think you can just get yourself out of the way of the crash. I say - protect yourself and get as much distance from your folks as you can.

    I am sorry about this situation, I really feel for you.
     
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  6. florence88

    florence88 Member

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    Thank you, Spygirl, Greylin, Rainy Daze and Blue Note.

    I know I can't do much in this situation. At the time I just didn't know what to do or who to reach out to. I was frozen and just couldn't believe my dad's behaviour and the fact he had the audacity to do it with us all present in the room.
    I just feel stuck. I feel my anger rise when he talks to me, and now I find myself watching how my mum and dad interact with Each other. And yesterday he came home in the afternoon (he has another job now thankfully) and I just locked myself away as I didn't want to spend time with him.

    I know this is non of my business and I would not do anything to jeopardise their marriage, but it now feels like a facade on my dad's behalf. I have no idea how far it is going (if it's just sending nude photos to a random person or an affair). He spends a lot of time on his phone and is quite secretive when people walk past behind him.

    In regards to my dad's job status, he is quite an abrupt man and throws his opinion around a lot. Hence his attitude causes him to find himself on the firing line. As mentioned though he has a new job now, it's just unfortunate our family wonder how long it will last - which we should never think.

    And I can't really escape it as I am living at home currently whilst I am dealing with the after math of a seperation from my ex wife - that situation hasn't gotten any better...and now this.

    I just feel incredibly stuck. I know if I speak to my dad alone regarding the subject, he will kick off at me for being invasive.....even though it was in front of me and anyone who was in my position would have seen it.
     
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    There's a difference between being invasive and pointing out that he's not being subtle with his actions at all. You don't have to accept seeing that stuff in plain view...neither does your mother, which will happen eventually if he's continuing down this path. That's your angle here. You live in the house, and as a result, deserve a modicum of respect as well.

    Maybe he wants to get caught by being so overt?
     
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  8. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    I don't really think that you're supposed to be one saving their marriage. As people say-"once a broken vase cannot be whole again" meaning that the problems they've had in the past might have set them apart, in a sense. It doesn't mean that they don't love each other but it's not the type of love between lovers-more like a mutual respect and love as friends.
    However, since this is bugging you, you can always try to talk to your dad one-on-one. It's not gonna be easy considering the situation he's in as you mentioned. I understand that you blame your dad for "cheating". Cheating can be different for some people. While sending such photos for some is nothing, for you or someone else is cheating. If you decide to talk to him, don't blame him because it'd make things worse. Try to see his point of view (can't believe I'm supporting someone's dad, considering how much I hate mine).
    As for your mom... Not to sound rude but are you completely sure she doesn't know? I've had cases when people who've been married for so many years stayed together out of respect and convenience rather than out of love. Perhaps, she might have an idea. If we assume that she doesn't however, you shouldn't be the one to tell her. yes, some would call it lying but it really is not your place or right to tell her. you are not in a relationship with her-your dad is.
    Hope this was helpful :)
     
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  9. Springflowers

    Springflowers Member

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    If you are close to you mom then discuss this with her and get it out of your chest. May be you and your mother can support each other through these tough times. Stay strong.
     
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