what is wrong with me?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by crazylittlething, Aug 7, 2013.

  1. crazylittlething

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    hi, everyone! i have a question. i've found myself in a rather odd predicament and really, really need some advice.

    i am a 25 yr old lesbian. i knew i was gay from a very early age (around 10/11 yrs old). naturally i was scared by the idea and decided to keep it a secret and hoped i was wrong and would grow up to like men.

    my teenage years were horrible. i was overweight and i didn't take care of myself - greasy hair, zits all over my face, didn't dress nice at all. i got teased and was painfully shy and quiet, didn't have a lot of friends. while i was struggling on the inside with my feelings for girls and trying to keep it a secret, i was also seeing all the pretty girls around me get boyfriends and go to dances and stuff. boys didn't like me. they picked on me and they sure didn't like me. i was an easy target. there were no dates, no invitations to prom, nothing. i spent most of my time alone in my room. and while i knew i liked the girls, i still wanted a boyfriend and stuff just to look "normal" and "cool" like all the other girls. that never happened though. funny thing is, i didn't even like guys and wasn't attracted to them (even though i had wished for years that i would start liking them and stop liking girls). but i did want the experience.

    when i was about 16, i finally came to terms with my feelings for girls and realized that i was a lesbian. got my first girlfriend around that time and was in a committed relationship with her for several years. as i entered adulthood i suddenly became thankful that i had realized my sexual orientation very early on and that i never had to experiment with guys to figure it out, because i have seen other lesbians go through painful times experimenting with guys and hiding in the closet, so i considered myself lucky that i never had to go through that and that i always knew who i was.

    after high school i lost a ton of weight and started taking care of myself and developed a sense of style. guys started noticing me and pursuing me but by that point, i knew i was a lesbian and always turned them down bc i was not interested.

    after a bad breakup in my early 20s my confidence in my lesbian identity was shattered and i decided to blame all my problems on being gay. i decided that i needed to become straight bc that was the only way i'd have a "normal" life. i met a guy and experimented with him, sort of. i won't go into details but we kissed and i let him touch me and he let me touch him and all that, whatever, but i hated it. it felt so wrong and unnatural to me. he wanted to have sex with me but i refused. i just couldn't bring myself to do it. this entire experience made me realize that there was no way i could change who i was so i just accepted it. during this time a few very nice and sincerely sweet guys tried to pursue me and date me but i turned them down obviously.

    now here i am at 25 yrs old and i have recently developed this...problem. for the first time in my life i am regretting not having experimented more with men. i hear other lesbians talk about their high school yrs and how they once had this boyfriend and that boyfriend and all this stuff and how they went to prom with this guy and they just have all these memories. i have never ever had a boyfriend in my life. never. not even one. i have no memories of fun times in high school with a boyfriend and school dances and stuff. there is nothing. and i am regretting it. in high school i was weird and guys didn't like me, sure, and i wish i had gotten the chance to have a boyfriend back then but i couldn't really control that. however i look back on my late teens/early 20s and think about all the guys who pursued me and how i turned them down. i could've had a boyfriend, maybe not in high school, but i could've in young adulthood...but i always turned these guys down because i knew who i was.

    i have had several girlfriends in my life and it's been wonderful, but...

    i regret it now. i feel like i missed out on "normal" experiences. and this is going to sound even crazier...i regret never having slept with a man and i don't know why. but i've had the chance in the past and i never took it and i regret it now. and here is the odd thing: i don't even like men. i know i am a lesbian and i didn't need to experiment to figure out my identity. it's not about figuring out my identity. it is, as bad as this sounds, just about having the experience and being able to say "been there, done that". the idea of being with a guy just feels so wrong and unnatural, but i just want to do it just to say i have done it. i have had plenty of chances and i still do have the chance. guys find me attractive (i am really feminine and girly). i could easily find a guy to sleep with just to say that i have done it.

    what is wrong with me? could someone please tell me why i am having these regrets? why do i feel like this? the fact that my high school yrs didn't consist of boys and dates makes me feel like i missed out. the fact that i have turned down advances from men makes me feel regretful. and i don't even like men which is the crazy part.

    has any other lesbian ever gone through this?
     
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  2. Garrus

    Garrus Well-Known Member

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    Excuse my rude comment, but I believe you have too much free time to think about these things and you are holding yourself down. Those boys who picked up on you, they are nothing but flesh of superficiality, ignorance walking around to fill gaps in the population. Try to think this way : they picked up on you, or they didn't liked you because of the way you looked. If you looked like a model, they would be your friends because of your silhouette. Are you sad because you lost the probability of having fake friends ? I had many mates including more fakers wannabe humans, but never a "best friend" and I am almost 20 years old. I am a loner for many years and even when I had those peeps around me, the more I grew up, the more I became introverted and finally a loner.
    There is no proper definition for being "normal" in society. The definition of that term is changing by the herd's direction. Follow or not follow and have your own identity.
    Don't let society take you down more, it's enough that you are doing that to yourself. What makes you happy, go for it. Leave behind past because that's why is called "past", while you stumble into that, then you are going to gain regrets and miss the things that will make you happy. Women puts a smile on your face, embrace them.
     
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  3. RVT

    RVT Well-Known Member

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    You need to stop re-living the past and start pre-living the future. You're wasting your energy on feeling bad over something you cannot change, ever. Accept that - find strength in that. It is out of your control.

    The grass is always greener - in your head. Instead of fretting over what experiences you missed, focus on what you gained. You met your first girlfriend, got to have your firsts with someone that you were actually interested in. Say you had had sex with a guy - and hated it because you are not even attracted to men. Then what? You'd be beating yourself up about the fact you just did it "because" and how it was so horrible an experience it was, how it made you feel worthless etc etc. You are doing yourself no favours thinking about the past in the way that you are, so just stop.
     
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  4. lil_miss

    lil_miss Well-Known Member

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    Do you have a gf right now? If you are single, go experiment with guys so u won't have the same regrets 5 yrs down the track. I havnt gone through ur experience but def know what it feels like to have regrets and spent quite a few yrs stuck living in the past. It's all in vain, achieves nothing. But it's not too late, just do what you wanna do, it's your life, as long you treat others around you with respect. You always regret the things you didn't do rather than the things you did do, even if they turned out horrible everything is a learning experience.
    The other thing is everyone's life path is diff, who cares you didn't have your perfect ideal high school yr, not many ppl did. More importantly life is so much more than that, don't dwell on it.
     
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  5. Sulaco98

    Sulaco98 Member

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    Hey there, crazylittlething. I know what's wrong with you.... you're human! Congratulations! As humans, we have a tendency to see the past through rose colored glasses, if you will. And to see what everyone else is doing and think, "Everyone else is doing it, it MUST be fun." Now let's take those two things and put them together, and we have your situation, if that makes any sense to you at all. You see all the things other girls did back then and think it MUST'VE been worthwhile. Well, maybe not so much. Please don't beat yourself up about the things you did or didn't do. Some were under your control, some weren't. And the things we go through are all part of the human experience. They help make us who we are. It's not good or bad. I had a similar experience growing up. Never dated, never did most of the crazy things that teenagers usually do (or so popular culture would have your believe). Part of it was my choice (at the time I actually identified as asexual) and part of it wasn't (guys never showed any interest in me). I didn't have the "typical" teenage years either, but that helped make me the unique adult (and I use that term VERY loosely) I am today. At the ripe, old age of 33, I've never slept with a guy, and I can tell you that I don't regret that one bit. Then again, I've never really wanted to be like everyone else. It seems like part of your regret stems from a desire to "one of the girls", so to speak. There's nothing wrong with that. Try to focus on the positives you've had in your life, and all the things that make you happy. Accept yourself for who you are (I know, I know... easier said than done). It's perfectly alright to be one of the girls, and still be your own unique snowflake.
     
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  6. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    As a lesbian teenager, having a boyfriend, going to prom etc wouldn't have been awesome and fun like it was for ur straight mates. You would have hated it and it would have made u depressed and miserable, and trying to keep teenage boys at bay sexually was the most stressful thing in the world for a gay girl. So stop looking back and wishing you had a boyfriend. Forgive me, but it's silly. You are gay. Geddit. At least look back and wish you had a gf. Oh wait, you did. You are luckier than most.

    Edit: Sigh, you obviously touched a nerve. Hmmm...so I rekon, what you really wish for is to be the same as everyone else or else, that there was a place for you in your teenage world so you didn't feel deprived.

    So that means; You wish you were straight
    or: You wish is was considered 'normal' to be gay when u were growing up.

    Look, both those wishes are normal on the road to coming to terms with yourself. And I rekon nearly every gay girl can look back at their teenage years and yearn for more...And accepting that and making peace with it is a big part of moving forward as a happy, non-bitter, well- adjusted (gay)person.

    I rekon everybody had it a bit tough in their teenage years. They are tough years...even for the straight people...Even for those who looked like they had it all. It's part of life and the best thing you can do is move forward and know that those years are behind you and it is better now and can and will be in the future.

    P.s. Do you need to 'forgive yourself' for not giving yourself the 'perfect teenage life'? If so, remember, you did the best you could and you should in fact be celebrating your teenage self for getting through rough times without too much damage and bring you to where you are now.
     
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  7. Rubicon

    Rubicon Active Member

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    I think the real question is, what do you actually regret? Do you regret not enjoying events in your teens/ dating guys because they're social norms, or is it because you're actually interested in being with a guy?

    The former is totally, totally understandable. We are brought up from a very early age to see the world through a hetero normative lens. Society constructs male/ female relationships as "normal", and anybody who opts out from this is implicitly (or sometimes explicitly) branded as an outsider. The worst part of this is that we internalise this, and we feel as out of the ordinary as we believe society sees us. I spent years wishing I was interested in men, you're not alone in that.

    As to whether you can do anything in that type of situation, well, if you're still interested in women to the exclusion of men, not a huge amount. What you need to do is stop focusing on the past. If you must, focus on the positive side of your relationships with women. But it is important to remember that whether the past was a terrible time or a brilliant one, we can't relive life experiences. That's why concentrating on the future is so important.

    If you truly believe you might want to be with a guy, and it's an option (an option you really want), then why wouldn't you. There have been times when I have thought I wouldn't mind trying it. I wouldn't even consider myself bi, but there's nothing to stop people from experimenting with sexuality.
     
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