What is this chicks problem!? Selfish? Advice!

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by tinydots..., Oct 13, 2015.

  1. tinydots...

    tinydots... New Member

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    I told a girl who i knew who had a gf that I had feelings for her and that I wanted her to back off on the hanging out/texting because I wasn't going to try anything or do anything to break them up unless.....well they broke up? Which thankfully they didn't.


    So, I have to give an intro to this if its going to make sense. So beginning of class rolls around.....we exchange numbers the usual student friend student thing. But eventually we were always talking. Non stop texting. She told me she was gay, Im gay....I thought this is obvious. We click. So we hang out....she tells me after a few days that she has a gf. Yes, disappointed but tried to get over it. Which i was doing well but we were always texting. We'd talk about everything and eventually we got to know each other really well. Well, after a while other classmates started noticing.like hey are y'all a thing? Does she like you? do you like her? One of my friends was studying with us one day and he was like dude she is totally flirting with you! And i will admit sometimes I'd flirt back but.....I mean I liked her. I thought....maybe they'll break up? IDK. and every time I'd catch myself flirting with her i'd feel shitty afterwards.....it just felt wrong. We'd get very personal sometimes. Like not flirty but you know...like we'd talk about love and just relationships in general. We had great intimate conversation between two adults. Nothing crazy but it was nice. Anyways, the flirting became obvious from her. Even when Id tell her like Hey! we should be studying. She'd just kinda blow it off. She was looking for a new job cause she had just gotten laid off at her current job and so I helped her get a job with my best friend. Because 1. I knew she was desperate 2. I knew they'd work with her schedule
    Plus, In all seriousness I was REALLY helping her out as a friend. So some time went on.....she got the job but had't taken it. That morning that she got offered the job I had hung out with her that same morning. It was kinda of killing me to tell her how I felt, but I didn't. Well of course after a day long conversation through text with her we started talking about something like....kissing. And she was like no, my gf would definitely not be ok with that and what started off as a joke turned into me just kind of me telling her how I felt and how I wanted her to back off.

    I could tell it was a lot for her to take all at once but I was like look.I felt like there was a connection between us and it really is killing me inside. I was like I KNOW you have a girlfriend which is exactly why this isn't okay and I cannot expect anything from you, but I have feelings for you and its hard for me to read what exactly we have because we can't have anything. She apologized and was like Im sorry if I led you on but her and I are really in love. She was freaked out and I could tell but I was so happy to get it off my chest. Which I told her, like hey you're not breaking my heart. It hurts but Im just glad I told you. And she was like well now I don't know what to do. tell me what to do?! And I was like look.....theres nothing to do. I told you how i felt, you told me how you felt. Now I get over it. Also, we have two more months of the class.....I didn't want to be stuck in that awkward place with her the remainder of the class. After a few exchanges of....Im sorry and this is awkward I was like hey Im gonna go ahead and stop texting you for the night because I gotta respect it and well, I gotta start somewhere.

    I suggested that she just text me about class related stuff and she agreed. I was like look I still want to be your friend and we still gotta pass the class so we can all continue to study in groups, as we always have. And she was like yeah......my girlfriend would probably appreciate that. And she did go on to tell me that she tells her gf everything and doesn't hide anything from her. Which i find admirable. She was like as much as I hate the fact that I'll have to have this conversation with her, I have to. Then she was like hey if its gonna hurt you too much for me to work with your friend Ill turn down the job and I was like omg no. Please don't. I helped you as a friend on that one. I'm fine.

    We had scheduled a study session for later that week so i knew Id see her so it gave me a few days to get over it. Which surprisingly, I did! I got over it in about two days. It was great. I have never gotten over a girl so quickly! Which, I think was easy because for the first time in my life I was honest about my feelings. IT FELT GREAT.

    SO! Study night comes around and I got there late so I ended up having to sit across from her. Which is fine. I wasn't going to make a big deal about it. We're adults. She said hello, I said hello. And we got to working. Well the night before (Ironic story) I had ran into a girl who I had sorta started something with and she took me out, cause I had told her what had happened with this girl. Helped ease the tiny pain. Got me drunk...we made out....Just what I needed and although I'd like to start a relationship with this other girl who is beautiful, theres a big age difference....and I want to graduate first. But we still had a blast and i had some fun making out. Like I said, just what I needed. So, a classmate of mine was like hey I heard you were out last night and so i didn't tell them the whole story, I just said I got drunk. It was fun. and so then this girl (my crush) says, oh so that explains it...you were drunk. and I like freaked out.....cause I had blacked out. (go hard or go home right?) So i quietly said, did I call you/text you? and she was like oh no. Im talking about the other night. And so of course everyone at the table was like what? And I quickly snapped nothing. Which half the table always saw us texting/hanging out so i think they just assumed it was a gay girl thing. I gave her a look like....WTF. She smiled and we continued to study. The whole evening she was making comments. Like..oh be careful she's a sensitive one this week. Or yeah she gave me enough to think about the other day. Just like super obnoxious comments, which I was totally willing to let go of. I wasn't gonna tell anyone because its no ones business. But i feel like all evening she was trying to bring it up so someone would ask.
    So end of the night rolls around and my phone died so I had asked if i could use someones to make a phone call and she was like yeah use mine, but please don't do anything wrong with it because you already got me in enough trouble and just laughed. So at that point i was like.....ok we need to talk. Subtly, but we need to talk. So when we were heading out I was like look did I really get you in a lot of trouble? I was like if you had no feelings for me, then it mustve been a reassuring conversation for you to have with your gf. And she was like yeah it was, but she still reacted. Which I totally understand. I apologized but I was like look I let this go the day I told you. I am willing to leave it there. And she was like well, I just don't understand why you told me? And I was like...look i had to know. I was tired of always feeling like jello around you. And she says well i wish you would've just told everyone else but me. And i was like what? why would I do that? YOU are the only person I should be telling. And I was like look I said it more so to get it off my chest and to ask that we keep our texting to a minimal. I was like I realize it was selfish of me but I needed to. I needed closure and I moved on in two days. And she was like wow, you're over it already? And I kinda felt like she was kinda laughing at me..like saying how did you get over me so quickly cause she had this sarcastic look on her face like I offended her for having gotten over her so quickly. We weren't yelling or causing a scene but there were other classmates around, and when they walked by she was like hey I think we need to only text school related stuff. And I was like omg you goober I said that! I totally agree. and she was like well thats what I told my girlfriend I'd do. And I told her that was perfectly fine. Now where she did get me and I hadn't thought about it..was when she said, well I don't understand what you thought this would help? I have a girlfriend and you know that. I was like look I know, but it was too hard for me to just try and let go of these feelings when i thought you were flirting back. I did feel rather dumb but I was rather happy I was being selfish. I needed it. I didnt want to be hung up on you. Again, I was like look you're a super cool chick and maybe we can move past this because I will be seeing you every once in a while after the semester (cause of her job) and I want to be your friend. And she was like omg you told all your friends didn't you? and now they're gonna hate me and I just started there. And again, I was like no. Why would i tell them? We didn't do anything wrong!? I had a crush, I took a chance and it backfired. Thats it. I was like I wasn't going around telling everyone. She was like well..good because you don't even know me. And I kinda just laughed and was like okay. You got me there. Then she started talking about her and her gf and how much she loved her. And how she'd never leave her. And how even if her gf treated her like shit and cheated on her she'd still stay with her. and after about 5 minutes of all that I was like..okay I get it. Im sorry I didn't mean to hurt you or your gf but I had to be selfish on this one. Were ok right? and she was like yeah we're good. VERY awkward conversation but another one I was happy to have because I got to see this side of her I had never seen. Which just made me like her even less. haha! Seriously Im over her...
     
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  2. tinydots...

    tinydots... New Member

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    The thread was too long.....so I continued....




    now Im just upset about her telling me I was being selfish and I was trying to hurt her and didn't think about the consequences for what I did to her and her gf.
    Now, yes! I realize it was selfish of me to share my feelings with her like that BUT I HAD TO KNOW. It was absolutely killing me. And who knows maybe she does like me but feels security with her gf. (Which is another complicated/intimate conversation she had with me once..but I didn't read too much into it.) Plus, most of my life I have held back feelings for other girls and regret it years later. The one other time I was honest with another girl it went okay. We dated for a bit. But the new thing is....Im a different person. I used to be the scared type that was too afraid to tell people and go after what I wanted but Im not going to be that person anymore, and I realize I could've costed her her relationship but, she was always flirting. And i didn't want to tell her not to tell her gf but its not my relationship. Who am I to say?
    Didnt I have every right to be selfish? I mean and after the way she acted the night of our study group I was like.okay now I really don't like her because I have no idea who this girl actually is? When she asked why I couldn't have just told all our classmates and not her I was like what good would that have done? Im a big girl who can get over things. I knew talking to YOU would be getting it out. I was like did you want to see me hurting? chasing after you like a puppy dog? and she was like look Im a bitch. I can throw some low jabs. And i was like wtf? like where is this coming from? The conversation got so sticky, but we ended on a good note. At least I did. And Im happy to know I didn't cost her her relationship. I today in class and we acted like friends/classmates. It was normal and i didn't feel weird. Idk if she did but i don't care. Im over it.
    She really is a great girl and idk where the whole, Im a bitch thing came from but she's a sweet. Im not holding any grudges but I feel like she is. Her gf has every right to be mad and I guess so does she but Im over it and did want to end it on a good note. Even with the job thing, I really was trying to help her out as a friend and she was like my gf told me I could take the job even if it means I have to see you. (which I'm sorry I've never been one of those girls that controls everything my partner does and vice versa) Although I can see how this situation IS different because of what I did....still. Who knows if we stay friends? We're acting normal which is nice because after the way she acted the night of study group I was like...omg what is happening? I could see why staying friends might be bad to her but Im willing to be an adult about it. And again, Im over her, but now Im just upset on how she acted these last few days.
     
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  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    She's a game player. She likes the attention she was getting from you -- I mean, human nature right? Who doesn't like attention in a non-creepy kind of way? However, when you went one step further than that -- telling her how you felt the reality of the situation hit her like a Mack truck. Bottom line: she can't handle the guilt of the whole thing.

    She's putting all of this on you -- calling you selfish for exposing your feelings -- to assuage her own guilt for playing a part in this mess. To make her not look like she did anything wrong in the eyes of her g/f and to make her feel like she never did anything to lead you on. But hey, it takes 2 to tango and she's not blameless. In fact, she's instigated a reaction from you during study group. Why bring that up? As far as I can tell, you did nothing wrong. She gave you plenty of signals to where it was entirely reasonable for you to think it was appropriate to let her know how you felt about her.

    People who are secure in their relationships wouldn't react the way she's reacting to your confession. FWIW, it's entirely possible to be friends with someone who's had a crush -- and have that crush remain completely at friendship and not have that crush cause relationship problems. You were willing to take the high road and stick to friendship -- but she's found ways to push you and hang onto the tension that exists between you.

    The situation isn't different because of what you said -- the situation is different because she can't handle reality and that her perfect relationship may not be all it seems.
     
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  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    She doth protest too much, methinks.

    She wanted her cake and to eat it too - to have the girlfriend, who she professes to love so much, and the fun casual distracting flirtation. Your confession made her realize that there were consequences to straddling the line, and she's afraid (of what, I'm not sure - that her relationship really isn't so great, maybe, or that she was subconsciously getting close to cheating). When people are afraid, they lash out and try to avoid taking responsibility for the situation that has made them feel that way.

    She flirted with you, tinydots. She hung out, confessed, shared - and sometimes the consequence of that is a crush. You didn't do anything wrong, and you don't need to accept her understanding of the situation. It's not selfish to tell the truth (selfish would be continuing to push after she said no, I have a girlfriend). You don't have to be guided entirely by her emotional needs (that's her job, not yours). You were okay with the boundaries and changes as a result of your confession. You are behaving pretty much like a grownup here, and you're okay.

    I would actually take this as a red flag: girl is not as together as you think, and not as kind and cool and chill. If she can't be your friend because you needed to check in about something uncomfortable that was bothering you, then she is not going to be a very good friend to you. Sometimes we have conflicting needs with our friends, or disagree with them, or need to tell them something they don't really want to hear. In those moments, people have the opportunity to show us who they really are, and what they are really capable of. This girl's showing is, to be frank, disappointing - so take that knowledge as a gift and a bullet dodged.

    (I once had a friend confess a serious crush. We are still friends. She attended my wedding, and came to me for support when she needed to leave an abusive partner. She's happily in a new relationship that I really hope works out. While I disappointed the hell out of her, we figured it out; you're right that it's possible to be adult about these kind of situations.)
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Agree with everyone else, it is fine what you did. I think she doesn't want to just study and would rather find other distractions including flirting and drama. She may have a little bit of an avoidant personality so I wonder how she will work out for your friend in that job, but that is for your friend to figure out. She maybe a cool person about everything else and this is just her weakness. Don't let it bother you.
     
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I go a step further than everyone else.

    I think that she is a toxic, manipulative drama queen and you should stay as far away from her as possible. I don't think that you have anything to feel bad about. You put a stop to everything out of respect for her relationship (and yourself).

    So lets start with the "she is a toxic, manipulative drama queen."

    1) She got really close to you, too close for someone who is supposedly so committed to their relationship. Constant texting, flirting, deep emotional revelations. It's one thing to be emotionally close with a platonic friend. Or to do a little casual flirting with someone. But to have the closeness and the flirting and the non-stopness of it - way, way, way over the line. She likely knew what she was doing. She enjoyed the attention, feeling wanted, the sexual tension, whatever.

    2) She kept pushing an already charged situation. Bringing up things like kissing and pushing you about it. That was not accident, this girl knows how to manipulate people. She knew (or strongly suspected) that you liked her. She got off on getting a confession out of you.

    3) What she didn't expect was you saying "no, I am not doing this." She got called out on her game. Back to her main mode of operation - manipulating people. She tried to dump it all on you, 'how could you be so awful, when she has a gf.' But yeah, like the post above, it takes 2 to tango. Your crush didn't happen in a vacuum, it happened in a context of closeness and flirting. That isn't all on you.

    In fact, kudos to you for stopping it.

    Now this is where I differ from everyone else. I don't think that she is just an immature girl who blurred the lines on being faithful and now feels guilty. Her 'post confession' actions continue to be willful and - craftily manipulative. This isn't simple projecting a little guilt.

    This is much more complex and intense than that. To Wit:


    4) She didn't expect you saying "ah, little crush, I am over it, move on." Instead of reacting in a supportive way (you are right, we should back off texting, you have moved on - great, I really like being your friend) she can't cope. Why not? She can't handle the rejection. She wanted your affections, groomed you, pushed you out of your comfort zone (extracting a confess, when you know she is taken). And now you aren't playing along. Her little ego trip turned into a big ego downer. So she is lashing out, instead of moving on.

    5) She is desperate to regain the "upper hand" by continuing to manipulate you. Doing one thing publicly and another thing privately. Publicly hinting around that stuff happened between you two, then laying on the guilt about how much she loves her gf.

    It is a big warning sign when someone behaves very different in public than in private. Our behavior is usually more constrained in public, because of social expectations. She is using that as a way to take jabs at you, when you can't (or won't jab back). It is hurtful and stressful to be on the receiving end of that. And it is calculated to set someone up like that - pull one string in private and another in public. She likes fucking with you for the sake of fucking with you and now wants to hurt you.

    6) She has radar for knowing how to get inside your head.
    Unfortunately, people who are manipulative can be very sensitive about human nature and what makes people "tick." What they lack is a sense of morality, that other people shouldn't be used as their playthings. This girl clearly knows how to make you tick. She said all the right things to get close to you. Now she is saying all the right things to a) make you feel guilty b) hurt you c) feel attractive and desirable publicly d) stay in control of the situation. Unfortunately, this extreme sensitivity to what motivates other people can be a hallmark of someone who is very manipulative, or even a sign of certain mental illness.*

    So what can you do? Realize that she is manipulating you. Realize that she is a messed up person. Look back at your interactions and see the things that she said / did to manipulate you. Keep as much distance from her as possible. If she hints about stuff publicly - jab back "no, I wouldn't make out with you, you have a gf."

    Asking for "absolute honesty" from someone you haven't known all that long, is classic manipulation. It creates a false trust, it creates really fast closeness and intimacy and it creates real vulnerability. It is great for people to be honest with each other, but it usually develops over time. You go through ups and downs with someone, you see what kind of person they are and you say 'ok, I can trust this person.'

    But we all crave closeness and honesty. So it feels great when someone says "I want to be totally honest with you, I want to be really close with you." Unfortunately, that craving for closeness can be used to manipulate people. She used your desire for closeness to pull you into a blurred lines emotional cheating thing.

    And for God's sake, quit drinking until you are black out drunk.

    *Not everyone who is sensitive about human nature is manipulative or crazy. It is sensitivity, coupled with a willingness to use others that is a problem. Moral sensitive types make great teachers, coaches, therapists.
     
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Nailed it -- i guess I missed a lot of the small details in the wall o' text.

    If what you're saying is true, then I suspect she's probably playing her g/f on the other end of this too. Why else would her g/f be upset and think this is a problem unless the manipulative drama queen suggests it?
     
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  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, manipulative queen and her gf's relationship is a whole other black hole of something.
     
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