What happened? Should I try?

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by AnnePayce, May 12, 2016.

  1. AnnePayce

    AnnePayce New Member

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    Hey girls! I'm new here and I think it's very nice to have this virtual environment of help!

    - And I'm SO sorry for such a big text! English is not my first language and I have a small synthesis ability. If someone reads it until the end and share an opinion, I would be very greateful :) -

    I've always been a very political person, and active feminist and loud LGBT supporter (as an outsider).
    And I've always seen myself as straight until feeling very atracted to a particular woman last year. Nothing happened between us, but the all situation really expanded my horizons.

    This year I moved to an European country to study for one semester. I met a girl on my first week here, we kissed and then had sex. It was absolutely amazing, very tender and intimate! I could only think about dating women after that.
    Then, weeks later, no other girls... until I met THIS girl - the reason of the topic. I will call her M.

    I didn't have many friends in Europe back then (only one, actually) and I was meeting with a group of other exchange students from my country to go to a party. We took the subway together to the nightclub and they were all very nice, but we didn't really know each other. At the club, we met some other guys who were also from our country. M was among them.

    I knew I wanted her from the very first moment I saw her, but had no idea of what to do. I didn't know if she was into girls (even tough I could feel it somehow haha) and just let it go. But hours later she was staring at me as well and I just couldn't believe it! She blinked one eye and smiled, and then I was terrifed because it was really happening! She approached me dancing and I danced with her. But I was unconfortable. I asked her if we could go to the other side of the nightclub.
    "You don't wanna do this in front of your friends?" she asked
    "This is all new to me" I said.
    "I understand you"
    And we kissed. A great kiss, but I was still unconfortable. Not only for being shy no matter who is with me, but also because of the others, indeed. M wasn't aware I've known those people as much a I've known her, and I really had my restrictions of them seeing it. My home country is very homophobic and we never know how people are going to react. And yes, everything was still very new to me and I didn't know how to handle. Despite of my political role, being in the actual situation is much more difficult than it looks.

    More kisses, still unconfortable. People staring, guys taking pictures, some were even trying to "join". We were the only homossexual couple in the club. I was quite upset. We went back to our groups, danced a little more, M offered me some drinks.

    "Can't I kiss you here?" she asked,
    and I was like fuck it all and just kissed here in front of everyone. Everybody was quite surprised. We were the center of the attentions. She would come to me and go to her friends, kiss for awhile, and then one moment she left for good without saying goodbye. I got really sad, but I looked for her in Facebook and added her anyway. I've liked her very much, and was really upset with the all situation. I had the feeling that I didn't treat her well.

    One week later I saw her again. We went to a day trip together with other friends. It as a pleasent day, but it was like we've never seen each other before. She didn't show any interest and neither did I.

    And then we come to present day (three months later) and nothing has changed between us, except the fact that I like her very much. We see each other almost every week in the same nightclub, and nothing happens. We traveled to another country with a group for five days - still nothing. She really doesn't look interested at all.
    But other things happened on this period of time, and the most important of them is that now I'm very confortable on my own skin. I've dated many other girls, talked to my family about it, my friends (yup, those people from the first party turned out to be friends) are all aware, and are very protective of me. I'm not afraid of being bissexual anymore. I'm happy and proud.
    Once in a party I kissed another girl, who happens to be a classmate of a male friend, and he was insisting that I should kiss her again another day. But I didn't want it - at all! She was a nice girl, but I felt that we were not in the same level of confidence. I understand it, but it is so unatractive!! My impression: she is too straight for me! And then I wondered if M felt the same way about me. I guess so. Because it really can put a person away.
    I have a friend who is best friend with M's best friend, and I asked him if he knew anything. Days later he told me he said to his friend that he THINKS that I still have a crush on M and he was wondering if it was recyprocal. M's friend said that she THINKS that M is not interested anymore. Due to the closeness of the involved, those "thinks" don't belong in the sentence.
    And it also means that M is probably very aware of my interest on her. After al this time.

    Both M and I are going back to our country (different cities) in a short period of time. I've met a lot of people and had a great semester, but she was never out of my mind since day one. I guess tomorrow I will see her - and here we go again. I really wish she could give us another try. I'm not the same. But she still makes me unconfortable. I still measure every word when I talk to her. And I feel I will regret if I don't try one last shot before we leave Europe!

    But at the same time, she is so difficult to approach! She doesn't even look me back!
    I think about her blinking her eye and smiling on that very first day and I wish so badly we could start all over again!

    Any advice? Does it worth one last try? If so, how to do that? Thank you so much for the space!
     
    #1
  2. Gyldenragg

    Gyldenragg Well-Known Member

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    On one hand you say that she still makes you uncomfortable and that you basically can't be yourself around her. On the other you say you're going to regret not trying before you leave.

    I think, for the former: the fact that you haven't been comfortable and probably even acted a bit tense around her has pushed her away or given her a strong signal that you're not interested. And even if she suspects that it might be in combination with nerves and actually a hint of an attraction from your end, it might be that she's not the type to push or try to break your walls if you don't at least indicate that it's something you actually want to happen.

    Girls are masters at the waiting game, because a lot of the time we want the other to initiate. Guess what, if one of the two doesn't make a move at some point chances are they'll be stuck in the same position until it dwindles off (or someone explodes from frustration or god knows).

    So basically, at this point you're both leaving the country soon. You'll most likely not see each other again because it sounds like the two of you specifically haven't formed a friendship, although you might have friends in common. I say go for it. Try. And maybe try to meet up and hang out with her outside of the usual nightclub scene. It'll give you a chance to feel a bit more comfortable, without everyone's attention on you, and to have a proper conversation. Give it a little flirtatious twist if she seems open for it, but also be open to potentially explain to her why you've been acting so weird and that what seemed like indifference or disinterest is actually the opposite. Good luck!
     
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Maybe she just wanted attention at the bar that first night. Like, she liked shocking people, she liked people talking and taking pictures, etc... But now it's not shocking anymore, so she is bored and doesn't want to play.

    Don't assume that you did anything wrong. Don't assume that things would have worked for you two if only you had been 'out' that first night. You don't know her, you don't know her personality or motivations. So don't blame yourself for what happened.

    If she respected you, she never would have pushed so much at the bar. If someone doesn't respect you, you shouldn't date / hook up with them.

    Congrats on coming out. Move on from this girl and find one who respects you.
     
    #3
    Spygirl likes this.
  4. AnnePayce

    AnnePayce New Member

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    I forgot to mention on my last post that we actually had a time alone outside of the night scene: after a trip, we were the only ones coming back one day before the rest of the group, so we went to the airport, waited there for a couple hours and then came home (we live very close) together. We were talking the entire time, both of us making an effort to say something, but the conversation just wasn't fluid. I couldn't relax; I was always trying to say something to please her, to make her think that I'm smart and nice. I mentioned that this period abroad was a turning point in my life and that it made me much more confident and brave.
    But the strangest thing: she was talking to me, but not looking me in the eye. She was definetly avoiding eye-contact. I guess it means that she is not indifferent to my person: or she likes me and is shy, or she doesn't like me at all (for romantic purposes) and is trying to push me away. It was after this episode that I asked my friend if he knew anything, and he told me that M's best friend said that she thinks M is not interested.

    This idea if both of us liking each other in silence was constantly in my mind in the first days. After this episode I don't believe it anymore. I have no clue. Since she doesn't seem to be open to traditional flirting (eye contact, pls!), I believe I would have to tell her - but how? After all this time, I don't wanna look obsessed or stalker-type. Rejection is also on the table (and from her it would be painfully hard), but my plans of conquering her in the first place are no longer possible. Time is running for me, and not in a favorable way.
     
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  5. AnnePayce

    AnnePayce New Member

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    Did you find her to be direspectful? I wasn't under the impression that she was trying to shock. I just thought she was used enough to this kind of harassment to don't let it disturb her. But I indeed found very impolite of her to leave without saying good-bye. I mean, it's only a good-bye. It doesn't hurt.

    The little I know about her from the contact we have (from the social group) it that she is a nice, smart, very political girl. It's hard to move on when you really into someone, but if she doesn't want me at all, I will have to do it anyway. I'm trying not to be silly. When my friends ask me why I like her this much, I don't know what to say - I just like her. I'm living my life. I'm meeting other people. I don't think about her 24/7. But I still like her. And I don't want to go back home without fighting. But maybe it's a lost fight.
     
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Yes, I think it is disrespectful to repeatedly kiss / dance with / etc... someone in public when they are clearly uncomfortable with it. Depending on how much and how persistently it is done, I think I goes from disrespectful to creepy and gross, or down right sexual assault and criminal.

    You have two things conflicting with each other. 1) Someone's autonomy to control what sexual situations are right for them 2) political activism and the belief that it is important to be out.

    People don't get to just throw the 'we have to be out, we have to fight for our rights' card, to justify pushing others into sexual situations.

    Let's take that night at a club and say it happened between a boy and a girl, instead. If a boy were pushing a girl to make out with him, dirty dance, get real sexy with him while other guys took photos - and the girl didn't want it, kept trying to get out of the situation - what would we say? We would say that the guy was a creep, that he didn't respect the girl. We would say that the girl shouldn't date a guy like that, because it's a big red flag that he will be very pushy and disrespectful about sex. Him leaving without saying goodbye is just the icing on the cake. "oh, you didn't give me the sexy time that I wanted, so now I don't want anything to do with you."

    If the guy threw the 'but it is important to be out about heterosexuality and being sex positive' card - we would all call bs. Your right to make political statements stops at someone else's body.

    She can be out all she wants. But she doesn't get to use you and your body to make her political statements. Only you have the right to say what happens / doesn't happen to your body.

    I get being out and being proud (I am out, proud and married). I have been through a lot to come out and stay out (being beat up by my family for being gay, leaving home forever at 18, coming out at 19, being harassed in college, being punched in the face in college, moving very far from home so I could live in a liberal place, marching in pride marches, giving money to gay rights organizations, etc...)

    I will say this very clearly - I fought so hard for gay rights - so that no one could tell me what to do with my body.

    Gay rights is having the freedom and the choice to do what is right for you, for your body, for your situation.


    It is not a one size fits all thing, where everyone is obligated to have public mega- make out sessions to prove how out they are. It is not a one size fits all thing where people must come out on some dictated timeline. And it certainly is not a thing where people are forced to do things that risk their safety, or force them into sexualized situations that they do not want.

    I am glad that this girl is political, but it doesn't give her a blank check to do whatever she wants. If her version of queer politics includes 'anyone who doesn't make out in public, isn't fighting for the cause' - then she is wrong.
     
    #6
    macrosage, lorienczhiu, Nancy and 2 others like this.

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