What gives?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by ZenTao, Feb 10, 2014.

  1. ZenTao

    ZenTao Member

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    Back story is, I've been with my partner almost 5 years. As the years go on, things lessen as they always do. But I've got a bit of an issue with my partner that I'm looking for advice on.

    She sees even small requests of affection as irritation.

    At first, I did not ask for much...didn't need to. Now, I realize that I have to ask her for cuddle time or some other form of physical intimacy that is non sexual otherwise she just doesn't think to do it. When I ask, she'll do it for a short time, but eventually says she doesn't want to feel like she has to. So then, they cycle goes...I stop asking, I become resentful, and we fight, to which the outcome of that is that I should ask for what I want. :?:

    She isn't particularly interested in meeting my needs or wants but does expect that hers will be met. This has been an ongoing issue for the last two years I'd say. Wants what she wants, but doesn't want to give.

    It used to be the same with sex, and she'd tell me it's because she was abused sexually when she was younger. I cannot approach her sexually at all for that reason; she just won't have it. So I stopped asking and started waiting. We are not sexless, it just has to initiated by her otherwise it brings up issues and she doesn't want to feel like she "has to".

    The non sexual intimacy does not bring up her sex abuse issues; it's more about control, I feel. I've tried talking, as I stated before, she isn't so level headed when it comes to counseling because if things don't go her way, she's out...counseling and relationship wise. It's pretty ridiculous.

    Any ideas?
     
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  2. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Break up with her. She's not worth your time if she doesn't truly value who you are and doesn't make an effort. If she made an effort, she would know how much you are worth. It seems like a pretty one way relationship to me. It takes two to tango... not one.
     
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  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Relationships are about compromise. As Sundancer said -- your relationship seems way too one-sided.

    Your g/f is using her past to justify her present actions (or lack thereof). That's simply not fair to you because, frankly, she needs to live in the here and now. Continuing to live in the past, and continuing to allow her present to be affected by something she can't change serves no purpose. She needs to overcome those issues. Perhaps she needs counseling? Perhaps the two of you should consider couples counseling if her past is really the root of the problem. If it's just an excuse, then maybe you're just with the wrong person.

    You've been patient with her and respected her problems, but at the same time, she needs to accept that your needs in the relationship are not being fulfilled. Successful relationships involve "give and take." This means we all make a little sacrifice every now and then -- and even so, it doesn't feel like sacrifice if you're with the right girl. Intimacy -- and i'm not just talking about sex -- is a huge component of a relationship. You deserve someone who will at least attempt to make an effort.
     
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