We've Been Best Friends for 10 Years

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by lostenigma, Aug 7, 2015.

  1. lostenigma

    lostenigma New Member

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    Hi guys,

    I've been friends with this girl, lets call her Q, since middle school. We went through our ups and downs as friends. I went to a different high school, and went to undergrad in a different state but we always have had a solid level of closeness. She was the first person who I told I wasn't straight.

    I moved back home to LA for a year to study for law school and during this time our friendship got weird. I can now just look at her and know what she's thinking, feeling etc. She can do the same to me and at first I just assumed that was because we were both done with college and had increased the frequency in which we saw each other.

    Somehow though, we shifted again and we needed to be in each others space, holding hands in the car, hugging a lot, thighs touching that sort of thing. Q and I, just both attested to us reaching another level of closeness after talking about it.

    One night a couple of weeks later, we went to the park just to catch up and talk and drink wine. Somehow we ended up in the back of her car snuggling and napping until 4 am. Just super innocent. Then a few weeks after that, we did the same thing, finished two bottles of wine and ended up in the same position of snuggling. But it wasn't innocent. I was talking into Q's neck, she told me to stop but I just like messing with her so I didn't. After that we pretty much made out for hours.

    We had a conversation and we were both adamant that it couldn't happen again, but Q more so than me. We did good, we weren't awkward, we knew it happened and didn't necessarily need to talk about it again. She ended making out with one of our guy friends, who I knew she was lusting and I was upset. I didn't get why I was upset, I still don't but I slowly let that go.

    However, after that we made out again, and then we went on vacation together and it happened pretty much every other day. Slightly going farther each time, but not crossing that final line. We agreed to let it be, make out have fun and be in the moment. But that we would have to have a transitional period that might hurt for a bit but is necessary for us to go back to the friends we used to be.

    We have two other friends in our group and they didn't know. But Q and I, got really intoxicated with one of them around and had a light peck. Our friend got really upset, I got really awkward because I wanted it to be just between the two of us with no one else knowing.

    We had an unspoken agreement that it was done. But it happened again.

    I'm leaving to go to grad school across the country and I'm nervous I'm leaving something unsaid. And I'm nervous Q hasn't said all there is to say. But I don't know what that is. We don't want to date each other. We both had plans for ourselves, her marrying an educated man and me finding a lady/man who will love all my peculiarities.

    If anyone has any views on this at all, please comment. Maybe some outside light will help me see the complete picture here. If anyone has any advice on how to bring this back down to a completely platonic friendship without it being awkward, let me know.

    Thank you,
     
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  2. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    Obviously there is something there, but why did you guys say "it could never happen again." You want it to keep it happening, and for the relationship to move closer right? Is she adament it can't happen again because she wants to date guys and not be out as "gay"? You said you are not straight, so would you be open to dating other girls? If so, it would be interesting to see how she reacts if you did get in a relationship with a girl. She obviously needs some time and space to figure things out, so I think you going away to grad school will be a great way for the both of you to figure yourselves out. If you don't want to leave for grad school with things unsaid then tell her how you feel. What is the worst that can happen? I think you two need to clear the air and talk about what has occurred and why you two feel the way you do when you guys hang out. Tell her how you feel and if she doesn't agree with you or does not want anything then you respect her feelings and remain just friends with her. Good luck!
     
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Sometimes people just aren't meant to be in a relationship. Maybe the timing isn't right. Maybe their goals are different (kids, travel, education, etc...)

    But that doesn't automatically shut down our attraction.

    Logically, you two know it won't work. But physically and emotionally you are attracted to each other.

    IF you both can handle a casual relationship, then you can do a fwb type thing. Make out, enjoy the moment- but know that eventually one of you will fall for someone else and you will have to be just f, no more benefits.

    If you two can't handle that idea, then you have to stop making out. Of course it is hard, but part of being an adult is learning not to act on all of our desires. You sound pretty focused and mature, so I think if you put your mind to it, you could end the make out sessions.

    I suggest you first think about what you can deal with. Then talk to her face to face and tell her. 'I'm ok being in the moment with you. If something happens with us over break cool, if not, I am still your friend.' or 'fwb is too much, I need to be just friends.' I think it is better that you gals clear the air before you go. I don't think that you want an elephant in the room and all that distance with you away at school.

    The truth can be hard- you have feelings for someone that will never be totally satisfied. So you have to set some kind of limits and live with bittersweet feelings. This isn't easy, but it is possible. And it doesn't have to be a friendship killer, if it is dealt with in an honest, mutual way.

    Congrats on graduating and best of luck with grad school.
     
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  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I agree with Bluenote. If what's on offer isn't okay, don't settle for less, and address it head-on either way. And I add: if you decide you don't want it to happen, then it would be prudent to limit situations where you're drinking with her and/or staying up late with her. It seems like the several bottles of wine and all the late-night cuddling allows you both to act out this desire; if you don't want to act on it, the simplest thing to do is keep your sense and your inhibitions firmly in place until your attraction passes.

    I also think that many of us have a "right person, wrong time" dalliance in our past; this might be yours. Mine is the first guy I ever really crushed on (and quasi-dated). For years after we dated, we would hang out and rekindle our pretty excellent and intelligent flirtation, but we never crossed the line again. I still think he was one of the kindest, sweetest, best friends I ever had, and think about what might have happened if our stars had lined up better. Not with regret, exactly, but with a kind of nostalgia and a good measure of warmth; he was the first person who showed me that I could be wanted for who I was, and that I could love someone in a way that felt totally safe. I'm very grateful for the experience, and cherish the memory. All the reasons it won't work are still reasons it won't work - and there were lots of reasons with my sweet first love too - but you can look honestly at it and value it for what it is.
     
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