Was it even real? Is there still hope?

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Poppy, May 21, 2014.

  1. Poppy

    Poppy Member

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    Hi,

    I'd like to bore you with a long story. It's spans over 3 years. It's about hope and love. Secret hope and love. So secret that the two people hoping and loving weren't even privy to knowing they were hoping and loving. I know it's a long story but please please please take the time to read it. I don't know if I missed my chance or I still have a chance...or if there was never anything there at all. It's all running through my head and I could use some advice.

    I don't even know where to start. This has been going on for almost three years. I have completely hit rock bottom.

    I guess I'll start with the basics. I'm 26 years old and I generally identify as "straight"...though ultimately I see sexuality as fluid.

    3 years ago I moved to one of the Islands off the coast of Queensland in Australia. I moved there in hopes of work and maybe even finding myself a relationship, with I thought a guy. I got a lot more than I expected.

    When I moved there I met a girl named Cassie. She was also new and very keen to be friends. She seemed like a nice girl, very very pretty, but to be honest I didn't think there was much depth to her, a quality I usually search for in a friend. I didn't have many friends being new myself so I gave her more time than I normally would. Within a week we were hanging out day and night. Within a month we were inseparable. She would sleep over in my single bed. I would sleep in her double. We didn't spend a night apart. I was so wrong about her depth!!!

    She had had a couple of relationships but she confessed to never loving them and also she had never enjoyed sex. A local gay guy was convinced we were in a relationship and was determined to prove it. We were not. Well not in the typical sense. Just as I thought something was beginning she literally developed crushes on every guy on the island and ended up sleeping with 3 of them within the year. With each guy my heart shattered just a little bit.

    We decided to go travelling together. A month before we were due to buy tickets she took off suddenly for a job opportunity. It broke my heart. By this time I had realised my feelings were much more than friends. I decided to move to Adelaide and when her job fell through she decided to come with me. We continued saving and making plans. We moved in together and to save money we shared a one bedroom apartment. We slept in the same bed every night. Just as we had done on the island we held hands when we slept, spooned and would have long gazes into eachothers eyes. It was not unusual to feel her lips softly kiss my back before I fell asleep and I would do the same for her.


    I'll leave it there for now. There's so much more. If anyone's interested I will post the rest.

    Thanks so much!
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    If you are still together in that apartment, tell her how you feel. It might blow up because it maybe more than she wanted or she is in denial. The alternative is your relationship being shallow because of the secret feelings that you suffer.

    I will wait for you to post the rest.
     
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  3. MizzLadyPants

    MizzLadyPants Well-Known Member

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    Well from what you've said so far, I would assume there is some love there. I'm curious to know more as well, please post on! :)
     
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  4. Poppy

    Poppy Member

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    Hi again! Well since there was some interest and I could definitely use some advice I've decided to post a bit more...sorry it's a really long story lol

    Neither of us had a single date for an entire year and we lived soley for eachother. When her cousin visited one weekend he developed a kind of crush on me and this visibly annoyed her...in fact it infuriated her. Her voice and face would change whenever it came up...and it seemed to come up a lot.

    We would often wrestle on our bed and pin each other down. There would be a moment, a smile, a long breath and then she would jump up like her life depended on it.

    We often talked about our relationship. She would tell me she's not like this with her other friends. She would hint at things and dance around the subject. One night she asked how, if we were ever together, could we have babies? I said well if I were gay I would simply get a sperm donor and use the same donor for both me and my partner. That way the kids would be siblings by blood. She got visibly excited by the idea. She often talked about when we separated and that if we didn't we would have to take our relationship to the next level. She would say it quietly and timidly. One night as we lay there spooning I asked her if we were crazy for not taking a chance on each other and she said "maybe."
     
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  5. Poppy

    Poppy Member

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    She once told me she had a dream about me. I was in the shower and she popped her head in to say goodbye before she went to work. We kissed. She asked me why I thought she had that dream.

    One day she came to me and told me that once our travelling was over she was moving to London. I could come if I wanted. I had been away from my friends and family for far too long by this point and told her I couldn't move overseas. It was almost 2 years now. She decided to go anyway.

    Once we had saved enough money we moved to our separate homes for 3 months as she wanted to spend some time with her family before she moved overseas. We were travelling around Europe directly before she moved to London. A week after we separated she had secured 2 dates with guys, kissed another guy and after only 3 weeks she had met yet ANOTHER guy and had started seeing him basically every night. She swears she never slept with him, but I'm not so sure. I was crushed. It was my first heartbreak. I couldn't eat or sleep. I cried daily. I really thought our time together in Europe was finally going to be when something real would happen between us. It wasn't looking good. During these 3 months we fought constantly on the phone. She was so angry at me. She would dodge my calls and hang up on me on the odd occasion. We had some good conversations too but anytime our trip or the guys she was seeing were brought up it would end in an argument. I started seeing a guy during these 3 months to take my mind of her but it never lead to anything, not even a kiss. When I mentioned him she would change the subject. Not long before our trip she told me she had bought 20 condoms for the trip. I said where are you planning on meeting and sleeping with all these guys? And she told me I can make myself busy while she uses our room. She denies this conversation profusely today. She says she brought them for a laugh.

    To be continued...
    Thanks for the advice so far everyone! :)
     
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Poppy, I sometimes don't understand why women like you would put yourselves into that kind of torture when liking another woman is no longer the great shock or taboo that it once was in free societies. Are you worried about losing whatever already have with her even if it is not completely satisfying? If a woman I want like that, tells me a shower dream like that, I would be in the shower kissing her till we got pruny. Cause if I didn't I would have damaged an organ spooning her and not doing anything else that night. I don't know where you are at, but whether she is in or out of your life it is not too late to tell her.

    There really is no other way but to either make your move and/or tell her how you feel and see if she can reciprocate. There is so much misery when there is just something we can't admit to ourselves. Trust me, I know what I am talking about. It is the worst kind of prison when I was not out to myself. And, you don't have to have your sexuality completely figured out to be out. You just love this girl, she is your whole world, yes? That's all you need to know.
     
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  7. Poppy

    Poppy Member

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    Hi Greylin,

    Well it's taken me quite a few weeks to decide but I'm taking your advice. You're right, she is my whole world. And I guess dreams remain dreams if you don't do something to make them a reality.

    There was a lot more to the story but ultimately I have realised that there was most definitely something there for both us. We kissed one night in Amsterdam. She said she wanted us to have our first kiss. Afterwards she saw me talking to a bunch of guys and she lost her...mind :) We fought so badly that night. I think I missed my chance and now I'm not going to miss another.

    She's in London now and I'm back in Australia. She'll be there for at least a few years. We had a really hard first few days apart and then once her friends who had been travelling through a different part of Europe arrived she virtually has started ignoring me except for the odd drunk msg on facebook. Facebook is driving me crazy lol. Right now I stand to lose her friendship aswell.

    I've written her a letter and I'm sending it tomorrow. It scares me to write it down. Particularly because I'm also friends with her friends that are there and I'd hate for them to read it. But I have to say it or I'll never know. I feel as though she is too scared of admitting her feelings but then so was I. I can only hope she will reciprocate.

    Thank you for the advice. It's what I needed to hear. To be honest I had never really considered the option of telling her.
     
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  8. lovelesbians

    lovelesbians Member

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    This all sounds very romantic. Good luck, but I am sure things will work out. It doesn't even have to work out with her for it to work out... if she does not reciprocate your love, there will be no harm done, except to your ego maybe...
    Whether she wants you too or not it really won't matter in the end, because what has happened here is truly a wonderful thing... you are discovering yourself... she has helped you find a part of yourself, and you are now coming to terms with that part of yourself. If she wants to be your girlfriend and lover, then great, hopefully you will be happy and faithful to each other... if not, then you can move on and you will one day find someone who will love you so much, and will be willing to stand up for the love they feel for you.... In what you are doing, stating your love, thus, standing up for your love for this woman, you are setting up wonderful karma for yourself. If she is not the one for you, then whoever is the one for you will be someone assertive and romantic, someone who is not afraid to testify their love for you. Just remember to do the right thing, don't play with people's feelings, be honest, and always follow your heart. You can't loose.
     
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Look, you've got to start taking care of yourself.

    You've fallen for a women who can't reciprocate, doesn't identify as gay and - quite frankly - treats you like sh*t. Oh, and you staid in this messed up situation for 3 years?

    3 years of moving around for a woman who won't commit and rubs it in your face that she bought a bunch of condoms? Seriously, that is a really crappy thing to do / say to someone. She "broke up" with you when she moved to London. But she's happy to give you the little cruel kick now and again. If she loved you and wanted to stay, she would have. But she doesn't (not anymore) and she didn't.

    So what, you are going to try and "win" this woman back, so she can emotionally kick you in the jewels every time she gets pissed off - freaked out - horny - etc...? And then split on you every time she needs a change of scene? Her behavior goes way beyond 'confused lesbian' and way into unhealthy human being. She's not going to come out and then magically morph into a wonderful human being. If she comes out, she'll just go from being a jerk straight girl, to being a jerk lesbian.

    She's not a good person and you are waaaay too codependent.

    Love is not like that. Love is not jerking someone around, running off to another country, flaunting your lovers in front of them.

    Cut her out of your life. No Facebook. No emails. No text messages. Ignore her drunken attempts to try and 'win you back.' She really just wants to keep you around as plan D, in case plan A,B and C fall through.

    And get some help. It's not your fault that she treated you like garbage. But you do need to learn to value yourself more. You need to learn to see when people are trouble and how to steer clear of them.

    I know this is hard advice, but it is my honest opinion.
     
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  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    On paper, all that running away seems cruel and deliberate but I just see a lot of youthful denials and fears on both sides. I hope the OP can come onto her own and not be afraid to who she is and gets what she wants. I am reading on here often with two women just starting out and stumbling about on their sexuality and no one initiates it gets into this limbo. I have in the past gone ahead and told someone I wanted and got rejected, when I look back, she would not have been someone I would want now. But I was glad I acted on my feelings and allowed myself just to be. I did that in days of yore when being a lesbian was much more of a taboo. But denying my feelings was more painful than that. It also made it easier for me to actually say, "I am in love with you," to the right person who eventually came along.

    Yes, love is not like that at all, it is and should be honest, kind and considerate. Fear and fear of being in a minority does a lot to destroy the goodness in the love of a woman and turns it to darkness and suffering.
     
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  11. staringatthesun

    staringatthesun Well-Known Member

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    Wow that was a lot of info to take in lol. Well my first question to you would be....and most importantly...what do you want from her right now at this point in time? Are you looking to officially start "dating" her as a gay couple?? Do you just want to get your feelings off your chest to her?? Do you just want to know if she ever felt something "more" for you?

    I think you really need to think about what you want from her at this point before you proceed to the next step..if there will be one. I would take a good week or so to mull it over..even though you probably already have alot. I get the feeling alot of conflicting thoughts and feelings are running through your head right now. I get the feeling you want some sort of conformation that this "all didn't just happen on your side in your head". I would say it didn't and that their was more going on...but it's complex.

    From everything you've written, I do think she is not straight 100 percent but......I do not know if she is gay...and I definitely do not feel she is comfortable with her sexuality. I think a part of her may have at some point felt something of more than a friend nature for you....but her feelings/comfort level with homosexuality over rode it. Its very clear when she says things like...I never am this way with other women, yet she would hint at maybe doing more like having a first girl kiss with you but than going back on it by flaunting guys around you. It seems to me that she does not "want to be gay"...or interested in girls...like she is fighting it...on some level.

    Now if you want more than just a confirmation that this all didn't just happen in your head....you need to decide what it is you want to do...now. If you want to try "being with her", I agree with posters who've stated, you need to tell her. There is really no easy way around it. I hope your letter you wrote explained how you really feel about her and maybe asks her to contact you if she feels the same..or wants more than pure friendship.

    I wish you best luck...I'm also in a hard situation with a girl I like now...
     
    #11

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