I'm bisexual. Let the boos and hisses begin. Done yet? Ok. This is about a woman but you need some background first. I met a man I'll call Dick. I'll spare you the details and only tell you that all I was looking for was something unattached and he was game. After a few months, Dick wanted more and I stopped seeing him because like I said, I wasn't looking for anything serious and we had little else in common. At first he called and text quite a bit but after ignoring him for a while he stopped. A little while later, I go out with friends and he's there drunk. He says some pretty nasty things to me, which seemed out of character but he was drunk. Soon after he began his tirade, a woman came up to us and told me to stop talking to her man (I had no idea he was in a relationship). He drunkenly tells her that I was the reason he was unfaithful and she slaps me. I came close to hitting her but I would have hurt her badly so I tried to push past her to leave. Dick took my movement as aggression and he grabbed me hard. As I write this now I don't think he was trying to hurt me but I was scared and pissed at the time and I ended up breaking his nose. I also ended up in handcuffs but the police let me go without formally arresting me and no charges were brought. What I did next wasn't because he had a girlfriend but because I was embarrassed (I frequented that place) and I could have been arrested for real which would have given me a record (is that how it works?) and/or lost my job. Since I am a vindictive, petty, grudge holding bitch (I'm working on this but shit is hard) when I'm screwed over or hurt, I began to plot ways of exacting revenge that wouldn't get me arrested or cost me my job. I started texting him at first in an attempt to draw him back in but it grossed me out so much that I abandoned that. Then I thought, try Facebook to see what you can find on the girlfriend. He was really hard to find but when I did find him, I discovered that he was married (6 years) and not to the girl who tried to fight me. Then I had the bright idea to befriend his wife so I could blow up his whole world. I told you I'm a work in progress. I friend requested her using my middle name (Dick doesn't know my middle name) and began messaging her based on commonalities. I liked her instantly and made the decision to not hurt her because I thought she was a good person who didn't deserve what I had in store. Facebook quickly spilled over into real life and before I knew it we were hanging out socially. I asked her about Dick pretty early on and she said they'd been together since high school and she loved him dearly. They live pretty separate lives because they have diverging interests but what they have really works for the both of them and keeps their marriage strong. Ok...whatever you say. In the beginning she wanted me to meet Dick by asking me to various functions but I dodged that bullet by telling her I had social anxiety. This wasn't entirely untrue as I did have it pretty badly when I was younger and I struggle with it still from time to time. One night we're out and I realize I'm attracted to her and on a whim I kiss her. She knows I'm bi and as far as I knew up to that point, she was straight but she kissed me back and we ended up having a very handsy make out session. It was very awkward afterward but we did end up talking about it the next day, actually she did most of the talking. She said, in earnest, that she enjoyed the kiss but she was married and that wasn't who she wanted to be (a cheater) so it couldn't happen again especially since she valued our friendship so much. I could see the guilt on her face so I made up my mind that it wouldn't happen again except it did. It got to the point where if we were hanging out alone, it was a given. When she's not around I physically ache for her. She is everything that I'm not and makes me want to be a better person as cliche as that sounds. When she brings her other friends around I feel tinges of jealousy which is uncharacteristic of me. When we're alone I want more of her. I want her to talk more, smile more, laugh more, etc. She's just the best thing I've ever encountered in my life. Up until I met her, I'd always been upfront with what I want and how I want it and I not only show it with words but I back it up with actions. I'm also a very sexual person and I hadn't gone very long without sex but since we first kissed which was 3 months ago, I have been ok with abstaining because I know that's all she can give me. With her and this situation I'm all twisted. As you've already deduced I am in love with her but I don't have a right to be and I can't say anything because of the situation. She will hate me and doubt herself which I don't want because this is all my fault. I'm the one who has been lying to her since day one. I'm the one who slept with her husband even though I didn't know it at the time. I'm the one who created this entire "friendship" under false pretenses. She has nothing to blame herself for and every right to hate me but I still can't bring myself to tell her the truth so instead I told her I needed space with no definite timeline. You have no idea how much that hurt or maybe you do...I don't know. The reasons I gave were that work and familial situations were stressing me and I need to decompress. It wasn't entirely untrue as I do have a ton of work and family issues. I also added that I was feeling guilty about doing what we were doing (P.S. we haven't had sex). She said we could stop the extracurricular activities and she could just be my friend to be there for me while I worked through my stresses but I told her we both knew it wasn't going to stop; she didn't disagree. Just as an aside...I don't feel guilty about anything that happens to Dick or his feelings. I suppose I should but I'll say it before and I'll say it again...I'm a work in progress. I do feel extremely guilty about what I'm doing to her...the lying and the secrets. She knows about my lack of attachment in the past so I'm not sure if she understands or can feel how deep my feelings go for her and I certainly am not going to tell her. I don't even think she completely undersatnds how she feels but then again, I don't know because I haven't asked...I fear the answer. What makes all of this worse is I've never been in love before. I've never even had what could be called a serious relationship. So maybe its karma that I've fallen for the woman whose life I had every intention of blowing up? Maybe its karma that I've been crying while reading over (and over) the texts and emails sent between us and feeling desperately like I'll never feel this with anyone again? After a few days (5 to be exact), I started to get texts from her inquiring about how things were, telling me she was there if I needed her, etc. I didn't respond because I know what I would have said. Then came the sad emojis. A few days ago she text, "I miss you SO MUCH. Please talk to me." I didn't respond even though I desperately wanted to. The next day she came to visit but I didn't answer the intercom to buzz her in and thankfully no one was coming or going or else I would have been confronted with the decision not to answer the door when she came knocking. It's been almost 3 weeks since I last saw or spoke to her and it hurts just as bad...actually it's worse than it was the day I asked for space. I am absolutely miserable and it's all eating at me in a way that I can't describe.