Unrequited Love [1]

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by newborn, Dec 4, 2016.

  1. newborn

    newborn Member

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    Dear Greylin and all AE readers…

    I tried but fail to shorten this. So, this is going to be to a lengthy one and I am going to have to split in to multiple posts. Please bear with me.

    Background:

    I am in my mid-thirties and I recently (a year ago) came out to my family. I have since been looking for a woman to be in a married relationship. On a January, 2016 she walked into my life. She was introduced to me by a mutual gay friend. My friend told me that she was visiting for her fellowship interviews and suggested that I meet her as a ‘friend’ and take it from there.

    Within the next few hours our numbers were exchanged and I got a text from her. She sent me her picture. One look at those eyes and I fell hard. To me - it was love at first sight. I saw kindness and compassion in her eyes and she is a very beautiful woman!” I thought to myself how did I get so lucky. May be it was all worth the long wait – I thought to myself.

    She called me on phone and we started talking. I came to know that she was finishing her residency and was always on a time crunch. Yet, we would speak for two hours for the next few days and she would learn about me, I learn about her. She was divorced as well but had a bad relationship with her husband. She was just out of a relationship where her girlfriend cheated on her with another girl. She told me that it changed her completely and made her emotionally cold to relationships. I thought I could help her heal. We were also total opposites in everything. She is more social; I am more of an introvert. She is a nerd; I am an all-rounder. She likes to talk serious stuff; I like to talk about SNL’s latest skit about Trump. Our common interests were music and travel. And we both were spiritually inclined.

    The beginning:

    We decided to meet in a West coast city first as she was doing an interview locally. Although it was only an hour away by flight, I did not want to fly all the way to just to meet her for lunch! I proposed that we should meet somewhere mid-way or equally convenient. The plan changed just a couple of days before we were scheduled to meet. She said she missed her connecting flight and is being routed to the airport in my city. She said she has few hours of lay off there and asked me if I can meet her at a coffee shop next to the airport. I drove to pick her up and while I was at it I got her some lunch along the way. My heart was racing and I was super excited to see the most attractive woman I have ever seen in my life so far. It was one of the happiest moments of my life! I waited by the curb to pick her up and there she was 5’ 3” beauty walking towards me. Very simple person with those gorgeous eyes and an attractive personality. I kept thinking to myself how did I get so freaking lucky!! Since then I have spent life till now praying that she be my wife.

    I drove her to the nearest coffee place. We chatted for a while. I showed the pictures of my new car when she asked. An hour went past like a zeptosecond. I told her that we have to get moving so I can drop her back in the airport. Once we stepped outside the coffee place she stopped to feel the sunshine. I reminded her that she has a flight to catch. Finally, she got into the car and we reached the airport. I stopped the car by the curb to drop her off. And she told then that she is going to do something stupid. She is going to let her flight go. She asked me if we can do seven-hour road trip. I could not have asked for more although it felt a bit weird. She suggested that I bring my new car. There is always an inexplicable, indescribable aura on her face that I always find myself getting lost into. I am always in a dream world when I am with her. Under the spell of that ‘aura effect’ I nodded my head and returned with my new car and we hit the road.


    First signs of trouble:

    We stayed at a hotel on our first stop. It was a twin bed room. We finished the dinner I got for her and called it a night. I could not sleep at all. My heart was pounding so hard with an irresistible urge to go hug her but I pretended like I was sleeping. Around 2 or 3 AM at night, she asked me if she can sleep next to me and came over to my side of the bed. I cannot possibly explain how happy I was at the time. She asked if she can hold my hand, which I happily agreed. I became a lesbian eel in a split second, every time she touches there were tremendous sparks! I turned towards her side and went to kiss her. Next thing I hear from her is a thunderous ‘NO’. She said she does not like to kiss. And she said “you have the whole house for you and you just want to kiss me?”. All my dreams and hopes came to a screeching stop at that point. From there, it was the beginning of a painful emotional journey to follow. A never ending attempts at praying to God to help her see the potential in our communion and make her see the value of it.


    Downhill events:

    She would drive and I was asked to sit in the passenger seat. At hindsight, I realized she had written the complete script and the ending of my story at the time. She wants to do all the travel and fun stuff with me but she will not let her emotional firewall down and connect with me. There was absolutely no physical relationship between us except for a few minutes when she lets her guard down under the influence of a glass of wine or beer. It usually comes with a preface about how her ex-husband would force himself on her. It was difficult for me to listen to all this while we are in bed at night. I, being an eternal optimist, always focused on our positives and possibilities than delving on what is not working for us. I thought that if I can patiently wait and give her the time and space, she will be able to love me one day.

    She told me she thinks she falls in the asexual and homosexual spectrum of things. She likes to cuddle but is not interested in doing anything else. I slept next to her and felt completely alone into our third day of the road trip together.

    In the early hours of the morning I got up, unable to sleep next to her. I packed my suitcase and waited for her to wake up. When she woke up. I told her that I am leaving and this is the best I can do for both of us. At which point she started crying. It melted my heart and I agreed to stay. I promised her to show her favorite places in the city. That night I did get some love from her but mostly cuddling and sleeping. I could have gone for more but did not impose myself on her ever.

    She woke me up and said I should drop her at her interview and that she is going to get late for her interview. I rushed to quickly pee, didn’t even brush my teeth and stepped out so I can drop her on time. She was wearing a formal skirt and a blazer and looked dashing! She asked me to sit in the passenger seat and started driving. I had to check out from the hotel that morning so had to find a place to spend those long hours ahead of me. I decided to drive to a local park for hike while she was going to be at the interview whole day. She asked me to pick her up at 3:30 PM. I finished my hike earlier than I thought. I was distressed and felt lonely but got her a fleece as souvenir while driving back from the woods. I did not eat anything the whole day. Stress does weird things to oneself. Picked her up from the university hospital and started driving back to my place (eight-hours by road). She kept looking at me and tried to get my attention. She told me that it was her dream to get selected to the prestigious school that she just interviewed. I prayed for her dreams to come true. I dropped her off at her next interview location and drove back to my place.

    A day later she texted me from the airport that she thinks I am really ‘a nice person’ but there were some ‘grey areas’ and that I should be open to seeing other women. Following this, she had another fellowship interview in the east coast and she asked me to join her there. Not being able to forget those few moments of intimacy we had and being attracted (and in love with her) to her beyond words, I booked my flight and our hotel accommodation. With much hope and a heart full of prayers I boarded the flight. We met and she tried to make love to me (she on top this time) and I could see that she was not really ‘asexual’ as she said she was. Her heart was racing and she was definitely ‘feeling’ it. Although I am not the typical ‘top’ in the relationship, I let her be herself and hoping it will help us work this out. She kissed me for the first time then and I felt that I too will have someone I can call mine and being a happy lesbian.

    Day two of the trip, things went down the hill pretty fast. It all fell apart because I asked her for a kiss once we stepped into the room. She likes to spend outdoors all the day and come back to hotel only to crash. I find it as an excuse to avoid having to deal with the physical part of the relationship. Once we get to the bed, she always prefers to sleep and does not like to be disturbed. My basic necessity always took the back seat. I begin to realize that this is not a ‘normal’ relationship as one would expect. Her past had left her scarred perhaps. She kept drifting away from me by building an emotional firewall against me. During the day though, she loved making me spend on all the little things. I did all that happily, hoping things will get sorted out between us and we will unionize eventually. I always thought that she is a student in training and I am working so I should step up and be there for her.

    While we were waiting to board the flight back to our respective places, I could sense that she was not happy with me because I asked her to be intimate with me. May be I was not enough for her. I was willing to give my life to this and love her for who she is. I can even live without sex if it is with her. I loved her deeper than I thought I did. But she always pushed me to look for love somewhere else and yet managed to keep a leash on me.
     
    #1
  2. newborn

    newborn Member

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    Finally, during my birthday, she flew down to visit me. The next three days was the best I had. She was ‘into’ me completely and even asked me to ‘take’ her into my life. We kissed, cuddled and went to sleep. I felt she was giving the best try she can. I was very happy with the way things turned out. I could see that she has tremendous power to love and to give. She just chooses to withhold it most of the time.


    The prospective future:

    In May, she told me that she got selected to the fellowship program from the first interview and she will be starting in 2017. I had also applied for a job in the same city so I could be near her. I got the job and moved there in a couple of months. She flew down to help me with the move but her focus was to travel to national parks nearby and forced me to find apartment near her school. Things were not progressing much on the physical level but she was happy to travel and see places. I took her to most of the places that she wanted to see. We would still talk about our plans to live and that she will be moving to the west coast soon. I would miss her so much when I drop her at the airport. Once she reach the east coast she will text me that I should not be sad and ask me to seek happiness within me and not in her. I often wonder why she keeps changing like this.

    I slowly started to see a big change in her after she got selected to the new program. She would always ask me to go to ‘meet ups’ and start seeing other woman. It shakes me every time she asks me to do so. I felt like she was pushing me away. I started doubting it is because she wants to go back to ex-lover. She denies that but her ex still calls her; who also happened to move to the area around the same time I moved. When she visits me, she meet with her ex. I let her do it because it makes her happy. She also told me at one point that she did not connect with me like she did with her ex. I bite down my pain but let her be who she is and meet whoever she wanted to. I just patiently waited for her to come back to me.


    Failed communication:

    Her communication was always very minimal. I initially thought she was in serious time crunch because she was on-call at least two times a week. I know she does a good job at time management. However, she never texts me or call me until she leaves work and just before hitting the bed. It was a long wait for me to hear from her. I struggled to come to terms with this. I would get just two texts the whole day and one call.

    I would bring this up to her and she will pick up a fight about it, immediately jumping into the conclusion that we won’t be happy together. Finally, after requesting her, she started texting me in the morning so I can at least see a text from her when I wake up here in PST.

    She would make every attempt to visit me (also part of preparing herself for her move to west coast next year) every other month. Finally, in October I visited her at her place in the east coast for the first time. I met her roommate to whom she introduced me as her friend. I realized that she still has not accepted me as her girlfriend while I was looking forward to sharing a life with her.

    There was nothing in that place to eat. I was jet lagged and had a bad neck pain yet I cooked for her. We went out to visit some spiritual places nearby. No miracles happened but she let me make love to her almost every night. However, the day when I was leaving she was not looking happy. I could sense that she was still not able to ‘connect’ with me. She does not like me asking her if she really loved me. She makes a big deal of it and concludes that we won’t be happy. This cycle always keeps repeating between us.


    She must have broken up with me over these questions I ask her at least three to five times (on phone and in person) and after few hours she would hold my hand and say ‘we will make this happen’ only to go back to her old self again. This wavering mentality of her just drained me emotionally that I slipped into a state of mild depression. I did not eat well and was always crying. I was seeing this beautiful and intelligent woman yet I could not tell anyone conclusively that I am seeing her. On the fourth time she became doubtful about the ‘happily ever after’ dream she has, we both called our mutual friend and she decided to patch up by seeing this relation as an ‘arranged’ marriage sort of. So, off we go again.



    She would still make me book travels trips to several places though. I would do it because I know she loves travelling and likes being out breathing fresh air.


    A typical day for us goes like this (long distance):

    1. She would text me in the morning (after much persuasion) - two words mostly.

    2. I would get two texts in the afternoon when she is mostly winding up things at work.

    3. I would get one call in the evening while I drive from work to home. (BONUS!)

    4. I would get one more call at night and I will force her to give me kisses on phone and make her say ‘love you’.

    REPEAT 1 -4

    I was appreciative of every little steps that she took to listen to me and support me with. However, I do sometime go ‘overboard’ and try to break that balance. I would try to question her on why she could not speak something romantic with me or call me more frequently. It was very sensitive relationship, which, at the slightest change of wind, can collapse. It was extremely stressful but I thought that once we start living together under one roof in 2017, with God’s grace things will become better. Long distance relationship is always a challenge for even ‘normal’ couples.
     
    #2
  3. newborn

    newborn Member

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    Breakups and make ups:

    She flew down to see me in October end after finishing a conference she attended in the mid-west. She told me that she met another gay friend of her and learned how to play ‘softball’. I felt a bit jealous (of course!) and that she likes her. I was clear to her that I am a ‘soft butch’ and she was somewhere between ‘mildly femme to soft butch’ category of the lesbian rainbow spectrum. I always ask if her lack of physical attraction (or ‘lack of connection’) to me has anything to do with me being a ‘soft butch’. She assured me that she it does not matter to her at all. When I ask her if the new girl she met was ‘more femme’. She said that she thinks so and that she likes her. I then hurt over this for being treated unfairly in this relationship. One day, while in conference, she went drinking with her colleagues during the conference and the next morning when I spoke to her she had lost her voice. When I questioned why she need to do this when she had a presentation that day, she snapped at me saying that she does not like her freedom to be questioned and that she doesn’t see herself happy in this relationship in the future.

    When I finally went to pick her up from the airport, I was rest assured that it was all over and she would not give this another chance now that I questioned her freedom! While driving back home she said that she is not fit to be in a married life or relationships and that she should focus on her professional life. I told her that it may be because of me that she feels this way and that she should not lose hope and date others with whom she may feel ‘connected’. She appreciated that I always treat her well. That night was perhaps the best and the last night I had. She asked me to make love to her and gently pulled me towards her. I could not make love to her then because I knew it was perhaps her granting me my final wish and then she will be gone. At hindsight, I was right. Next day she bought me lunch to work and also picked me up from work. I left my car with her so that she can go to see her friends. The next day I was trying to believe that this was indeed happening and was ready to make love to her if she pulls me towards her. But nothing happened. The last night of her stay here – same deal – nothing happened. I confronted her and that did not go well. She said this will not work out for her. It was a break up again and this time I tried to convince myself to let her go as well. I could not be with someone who does not want to give 10% into a relationship. I was exhausted going the 100% all the time. At the airport she told me that ‘you are nice person and you deserve someone better not a ‘bitch like me’ or a ‘second hand like me’. Both of us cried and I hugged her one last time and she left. I told her that I will be waiting for her. I stood there until she disappeared into the security area. I waited to get a glance from her but she never looked back. She texted me from the flight that ‘if I can find that I can connect with you emotionally and physically I would come find you in a jiffy’.

    Tears kept flowing down while I drove home. The next day, just when I thought it all ended, she starts texting me and checking on me more frequently. I was quite surprised by it. 5-8 texts that day following two long phone calls. I was taken aback by this sudden positive transition in her. She then told me that she will be happy if I accompany her on a far-away vacation with her (where she also happened to have her next conference in 2017) and that I see her love in the little things she does for me. In the next two weeks she was very loving towards me, until the whole trip got booked. She would call me two times every day for two weeks. She would text more frequently and worried if I am in a meeting and could not text her back. I thought for the last time that it is all coming back to me again and this time for good. She made me book flights and our two Airbnb’s plus the rental car. I made her book at least one portion of our flight back which she did. I was happy that finally I could see her doing something for me.

    The two weeks of consistent love and affection made me ‘greedy’ for more love from her. She had to do three on calls that week and I started missing her terribly. Suddenly, the number of texts decreased and then one morning I asked her why there were no texts from her that morning. She snapped at me for asking that. By God’s grace it did not end up in a break up. We continued to talk. However, a part of me was mustering up courage to tell her that she need to bring at least 50% into this relationship but never said that fearing of losing her.


    Final break-up:

    Very recently, on a routine morning weekend call, I asked her why we never have a romantic conversation ever and confronted her politely on what is going on in her mind. She said that her ‘brain’ tells her that I am the perfect person and she should not let me go but she ‘heart’ is not able to connect with me emotionally. She is surprised that it is taking this long. I suddenly found some strength to tell her that she has to be at least be able to give 40% to this relationship and love me. Otherwise, she will always end up taking me for granted. She said that she does not feel the connection she had with her ex and cannot tell me when she both her heart and brain will sync up. She also thinks that she is at professional cross roads and that her personal life is affecting her career decisions. I felt a volcano erupting in my heart at that time. I was fuming with frustration and hopelessness. I told her that maybe we should just cancel our vacation. She quickly agreed. I told her that I will do so and we both ended the call on that note. I waited for a whole day to see if she will come back but nothing. Just those routine texts and telling me that she is ‘missing me but coping.’. That night I went ahead and cancelled the accommodation and car rental incurring a cost of $100 just for cancellation. She said she would pay me the money I forfeited. I did not want to bother her to pay me back. I loved her and will always do. She continued to check on me and at one point asked me if I could be her roommate when she moves to the west coast. I said I could only see her as a romantic partner.



    Our last call was a week ago and on the phone I asked her if she could give me this December (her birthday is coming and I have a flight booked to go see her). She said ‘you are always welcome to my house but if this is going to cause you great deal of emotional pain, then I understand’. I started crying on the phone (her voice still unshaken. She was on her way back from spending a whole day with her friend in New York) and she went on saying ‘I know it is very unfortunate but I too wish that a girl whom I liked loved me back, it happens to all of us. You will be fine.’ I told her that she could have given me a life but she chose to let me go. I told her that I will give her the gift of separation that she wants and requested her not to text me because it will give me hope and I might fall in love again with her. She said ‘if you impose it on me then I won’t but I don’t want to lose you’. I conveyed my birthday wishes in advance to her and ended the call.


    We have not spoken since then.


    What next?

    The hope in me has no died yet. Her clothes are still in my drawer here. I hope that somewhere there will a positive turn of events and she will save our upcoming trip that we both fondly planned. If she had stopped me I would have never cancelled it, but I was so shocked that she did not. She had also made me book a flight to see her this December. Her birthday is coming up and I had something very special to give her. I still could not get around to cancel this flight L

    Days are passing by. I have since then not slept or ate properly. I have been crying and under great deal of mental stress. Finally, yesterday, our mutual friend told me that she had called her to say that we are no longer seeing each other and that they should help and support me through this.

    I am struggling with the following now:

    1. I still want to reach out to her and tell her that I want to be her roommate. This way I could at least see her face every day and live my dream of staying with her under one roof. Should I just call her and tell her this?

    2. Should I try to reconcile?

    3. When she moves here next year, it is highly likely that we will run into each other somewhere. This thought makes me want to leave the place. How should I deal with this?

    4. If nothing above works, should I ask her to keep in touch with me and help me through this heartache?


    I turn to you for support. I am sure it will help me a great deal.
     
    #3
  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    No, you should not try to reconcile.

    OK, this is going to be a little harsh, but I think you need a bit of a wake up here.

    What on earth were you doing with this woman? You dropped everything, moved cities, chased her all over the place when she told you on the first time you were together that she didn't want to kiss you.

    She knows where she is at emotionally and she told you. She is in a certain place for relationships because her ex husband used to force himself on her, because her ex cheated on her and because Fellowship is crazy busy. She likes the travel and friendship part, but didn't want anything sexual or romantic with you. But you want to be with her, so you ignored her very clear boundaries and signals - and are just trying to run over what she is telling you. She tells you "no, I don't want x," but you twist is in your mind "well, she texted me today, so she must really want x after all." You kept pushing for what you wanted and she gave in to you, even though she didn't want the same thing.

    Honestly? Your behavior has gone well past 'unrequited love' and into manipulative and creepy. You are just thinking about what you want - to date her, but you aren't respecting what she wants and needs. That isn't love - that is selfish. If I were her, I would kick you to the curb too. I am sorry to say it, but that is just my opinion.

    She does not need you to help her "heal." If she says that she wants to see other women, go to meet up, wants you to see other women - then that is what she needs. If she says that she is at a professional crossroads and needs to sort things out - then that is what she needs. You are taking your desire - to be with her in a committed monogamous relationship - and are trying to project it onto her. Like that she is somehow damaged, or letting you down because all she wanted was travel and a more open relationship. If she doesn't feel an intense connection and attraction to you, then she just doesn't. If she occasionally had sex with you (or let you touch her, if I understand your posts right) that isn't a sign that she suddenly wanted a monogamous relationship with you.

    Not everyone wants intense, sexual, monogamous relationships. She doesn't owe that to you and she doesn't need to somehow be 'fixed' or 'healed' so she will be with you. She may just be mostly asexual and she just may be the open relationship type. She may just want to be in open relationships for awhile while she rebounds from her ex. As long as she is upfront about what she wants (and she was), there is nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is trying to shoe horn someone into something that they say isn't right for them. If you can't handle being with someone who is largely asexual,. But will occasionally sleep with you and you can't handle being in an open relationship- then don't pursue someone who spells it out clearly that they want both.

    And definelty don't run over their boundary to have an asexual, open relationship, but then get all judgey blamey with them that you are giving 100% and they are giving 10%.

    The two of you do not want the same thing out of relationships. Let her go and quit trying to push her into a relationship on your terms. And don't pretend you would be ok settling with a relationship on her terms - because you won't be happy.

    1) do not try to be her roommate. Seriously, that would be a very unhealthy move. You need to move on and let her go, not find more ways to try and cling to her.

    2) No, you should not try to reconcile. You two want different things. You need to move on and let her go.

    3) I don't get why you moved somewhere to be with her when you knew she didn't want what you wanted relationship wise. If you like the town, stay. But otherwise, move somewhere that you want to be. Don't hang around some random place for no reason.

    4) No, don't ask her to help you through this. You need to let her go and move on. That means cutting all hope of getting back together and establishing good boundaries. Turning to her as some sort of grief support is not letting her go and is not good boundaries. Turn to other people and other places to help with your grief - you need to move on and build a life totally separate from her.

    You may want to consider seeing a therapist to get some help with all this. You went really far with things - moving, etc... for someone who said from the get go 'I don't want a monogamous regularly sexual relationship with you.' It is not surprising that things didn't work and that both of your got hurt. Why didn't you listen to what she wanted? Why did you assume that she just wants these things because she is somehow broken? Why did you go so far on the fantasy of being with her, ignoring the very real reality in front of you? A therapist may help you examine those questions.

    ---

    I do hope that this helps you. I am only being this harsh because I think you have really deluded yourself quite a bit and need a bit of cold water to the face. I do think that you have some things to sort out before you try dating again.

    I am interested to hear what @rainydaze and @Spygirl think of your posts.

    Good luck with everything.
     
    #4
  5. newborn

    newborn Member

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    Thank you for taking the time Bluenote. You are right, I was deluded. I should just let her go.
    Now I can write my story in few lines.
    "I met a girl whom I liked so much and fell in love head over heels with. She did not connect with me at all. Nevertheless, she thinks that I am the perfect person she could ever ask for. She felt that I am attractive, intelligent, compassionate and very loving, yet she could not connect with me. So, she decided to see other women so she can compare me with them and think that I should do the same. I could not let her go despite those warning signs but realize now that I loved something I never really had in the first place. So, finally, I let her go. "
     
    #5
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Glad you have come to a conclusion to not continue in this. You are a smart and analytical person but your loneliness keeps pulling you away from reason even though your head had it already figured out. Most of us do that for love to some degree. We try too hard and stay too long when it is no good for anyone. You knew long time ago you had already done your best. In fact, the first time she found she had the upper hand, chewing you out unnecessarily when all you did was trying for a kiss. After that she really no longer had respect for you. I think she kept trying to open up a new bottom floor for your relationship. When you pulled back, She would find ways to keep you coming around.

    I didn't know it at the time but I had fallen into a friendship like that once. I was so lonely for a type of connection that this one person thought that I had some ulterior motive. But she would keep running back to me when I would back off. You'd figure after a couple of rounds I would have given up completely. But no, I went a few more months in back and forths. I don't know why I did it. Looking back I got really angry with myself for being such a pushover. I felt like a creep with an agenda because I stuck around. It was all because when we talked about some stuff we connected so well that I thought we had understood each other. She would compliment me all the time but if I did that she would think I wanted something. I don't know what caused her deep mistrust of people but in me she had found a vehicle to test all her theories. And for a while too long I had let my sentimentality and my quest for what I thought we had wear down my self respect and what is normal courtesy vs being a doormat. I have seen that a lot in friendships amongst straight women.

    Ultimately crazy people make you crazy and question yourself. It exploits a weakness, a need that you have and you are sucked into this cycle of fantastic rewards and random zapping. You'd do so till you don't even know the rules of happy relationships anymore.

    Please don't change your mind and reconcile even if she'd crawl back on hands and knees. Your short story was correct. You got exploited because you want a wife badly. Try dating casually and get to know some women. Don't go from zero to in love. You are not crazy and you will find a wife who will love and respect you some day. Just go out and have fun because now, you are the priority.

    Btw, therapy did help me gain perspective when I was off, don't ever be afraid to ask for help. You are worth the investment 110%.
     
    #6
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2016
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Wow. I'm vacillating between being harsh because you really need it....and between being the kindler, gentler me. Some people on here don't like my tough love approach.

    Let's see if I can take a middle ground approach, while not trying to repeat and/or rehash the excellent advice already given by @Bluenote and @greylin.

    I think you need to go back to the beginning. From your very first sentences on here, I've learned a lot about you: mid-thirties, just came out, and want a married relationship. This sets the stage for how I'm viewing this whole post and why you've been hell bent on being a doormat to someone who has explicitly stated that she cannot give you what you need in a relationship. Simply I think you have a perfect storm of circumstances where you're rushing the married part (perhaps because you're at that age where a lot of our friends are settled down and married and starting families) without thinking about whether the right person has come along for you to marry. You see a photo and instantly fall in love with this woman. Your expectation at that point is that she's perfect -- the "one" -- you can build a future with her. However, you forgot to consider what she wants or even if she feels the same way about you. Because your expectation is what it is, you've developed a certain tunnel vision -- THIS IS THE ONE. And you're so willing and so desperate to cling to this fantasy that you've built in your head, you're not seeing the situation for what is really is. You're forcing puzzle pieces to fit where they don't belong.

    Notwithstanding the fantasy in your head you compound it by taking on the role of "helping her to heal" from her past marriage and bad relationships. You want to be this woman's everything.

    So, now I say this: You need to stop and really think about what you've written here. You sound intelligent, but your post -- as Bluenote says -- does come across as creepy. You've been chasing a fantasy while ignoring the reality. And I don't mean this to sound mean..I think at some point we've all put our hopes in trust into situations where we shouldn't have done that. It's called growing. Frankly, I think that you were so desperate to have this idyllic married life that you're willing to overlook or even outright ignore what you're being told. It sounds to me like she's been honest with you all along -- and maybe she's tried to like or even love you in the way you need her to like or love you, but she's also made it clear that she does not. It also sounds like she was, initially being nice and sugarcoating things, so as not to hurt your feelings. Maybe she perceived you as fragile? I know that's my thought -- you seem very emotionally fragile in this situation which, I would guess, is why she continues to care and check on you. However, it also seems you misconstrue her intentions. The bottom line is: you can't make someone feel something that isn't there. You just can't. You also can't reconcile with someone who doesn't want a reconciliation.

    Don't wait around for her to change her mind; don't be her roommate because you're secretly hoping and pining and wishing that she'll change her mind. I am of the theory that if one has to question whether she likes or even loves someone, then the answer is probably "no." Moreover, part of really loving someone is accepting what that someone tells you -- if you respect her feelings at all, let her go. It's what she wants. Forcing contact will only breed resentment in the long run.

    My advice to you is that you really need to look at yourself first, because I really believe that we can't love someone else unless we love ourselves first. In this relationship you put the cart before the horse because you let your goals perhaps cloud your reality. Ask yourself why you were willing to accept so little from someone when we all deserve to be someone's first choice in life? Ask yourself why you've sacrificed your own needs (hello...most of us want intimacy in the form of a physical relationship with our significant other) for a relationship which seems to have had no compromise? Ask yourself why you've placed the responsibility for your happiness ("she could have given me a life") into someone else's hands? MOST IMPORTANTLY, ask yourself why you were still pushing yourself on her and throwing yourself at her when she was so clearly saying NO?

    You don't go into your own relationship experience..but you referenced her as "being married as well" which suggests to me that you may also have been married at one point. I'm thinking perhaps that you need to examine -- and perhaps with professional help -- what you define a healthy relationship to be, because this "relationship" was far from healthy for you.

    IF there is one thing you take from this advice, please take the notion that you have self worth and are entitled to receive in return the love you give someone else. It's that simple. If you're willing to accept less from someone than you're giving....then you need -- not to look to the relationship -- but to yourself to know why.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 5, 2016
  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    The love interest did repeatedly tell newborn that she wished she could love her. But then she kept hitting her up and testing her feelings on the OP, that is not in anyway I would handle a fragile person. I fully agree that newborn needs to slow down and examine her needs for a wife that led her to fall in love with a picture. When you want something so badly, you can easily fall for any sign of hope. It is like candy to a kid, you know. There's something to OP's handle being "newborn". Also I am glad newborn took Bluenote's advice so readily and decisively. That is a lot more than I can say for someone who is stubbornly in the wrong crush.
     
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Well, we don't really know context. I mean was 'I wish I could love you' part of a 'no, you are wonderful, it's not you, it's me?' Sometimes when people are fragile we try to soften the blow or sugar coat things for them, which can wind up back firing.

    I guess there are three ways to interpret the context here. Way one - the OP pushed a lot, so the girl gave in, felt guilty and obligated. Way two - the girl gave a lot of mixed signals and led the OP on, so the OP got her hopes up really high. Way three - some combination of the above. The OP pushed hard on some issues, the girl gave mixed messages on others and it turned into an unhealthy mess.

    This is why I tagged others to this post. My inclination is to jump to scenario one - the OP pushing a lot. But I can see why others might interpret things differently.

    Though I think we all can agree that the OP and the girl don't want the same thing from a relationship and don't have the same level of attraction / connection - therefore should not try to date.
     
    #9
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  10. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    You have been offered some solid perspective on the situation, so I'm just going to answer your actual questions.

    No; do not do that. You want to be her wife; she wants to be your roommate. It would be terribly unfair - to both of you - for you to live together with these very different desires. She will be frustrated when it becomes obvious that you still want a relationship that you invited her to be your roommate under false pretenses. You will just get more and more desperate and sad, and you will not have the space to move on and move toward a relationship with a woman who is able and interested in being your wife.

    No, you shouldn't. This entire relationship has been her saying "I don't think this will work, but it'd be nice if it did" and you hearing "I want this to work." She is not willing or able to be the partner you want; what you want and need is not reasonable to ask her to give. Neither of you should have to fundamentally change what you want/offer, so you are not compatible. Reconciliation offers nothing except another go-round, ending in distance, argument, and yet one more breakup.

    Practice greeting her calmly and excusing yourself, so that when the inevitable moment comes you will be able to be calm, kind, and get out of there. Build up your friend circle so that you have people you can call. And see a therapist to work on getting over this relationship so that the idea of running into your ex is awkward and a little sad, not world-destroying.

    None of those things WILL work, @newborn. And no, you should not ask your ex - because she is now your ex - to be your support system through your breakup, for a bunch of reasons. First, because it will prolong your contact and make it harder for you to get over her. Second, because it is inevitable that you will make her feel guilty, that she will think she is responsible for fixing your bad feelings, and that might start this awful, sad cycle all over again. And third, because an ex-girlfriend is not a therapist, and she does not have the distance, tools, or perspective to be your support right now. Now is a really good time to call on your friends and family, and to check out counseling resources. Your mom, your best friend that you have not called in a while because you have been wrapped up in a crazy relationship, your sister, or a professional who is being paid to be on your side: those are appropriate people to ask for help right now. Your ex, who is probably working through some serious disappointment, frustration, anger, and heartbreak of her own over the end of your relationship, is not the person to help you.

    And - a word of advice? Wanting a partner is an understandable feeling, and both of you wanted this so hard that you pushed and pulled and convinced yourselves that what was between you was a perfect match. But your desires, your habits, your level of contact, your need for reassurance and ability to reassure - they were terribly mismatched, and those are the things that actually make a partner a match and a relationship work. Thinking she's beautiful and smart is great, but what matters more is that how she shows her love makes you feel loved, that how she communicates is something you can hear, that what she loves to give is something that you desire and that what she desires is something that you love to give. The thing we think we want in a partner are the obvious ones, but it's these subtle ways of fitting together that make partnerships.

    There are women out there who will text you a dozen times a day, and who will not "let" you make love to them but come after you with fierce pleasure, and will not respond to your concerns with a fatalistic "this won't work." Take time to heal and move on, and know that there are other possible partners out there, who will not be so damn hard for you to love.
     
    #10
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  11. newborn

    newborn Member

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    @Bluenote I did not push her. I accept that it was definitely a one-sided love. There were moments that she gave me but not a steady feeling. It was a mutual decision to date each other but she had this wavering mind and has often apologized to me for sending mixed signal . Every step of the way I would check with her - to 'sync' us up with our 'goal' - to look forward to the future. She would say 'you are the perfect person I could ask for but I know I cannot perform in bed'. I was willing to give her the time and space. She would say 'we are totally different people, so when we come together there is bound to be waves but that is okay. Let it take it's course'. She keep telling me that 'we will unionize' at some point. She wants me to be 'happy always' and hates being emotional. I was sad because I missed her near me. One of her last text to me was ' I've hurt you enough emotionally and don't want you to suffer hardships, I really care for you'.

    @Spygirl Yes, I was married once (marriage of convenience) and yes I am a sensitive person. I like to be kind and loving towards others. I learned to give because I had no one to give me love while growing up. I realize now that people can often mistake it as weakness. So, yes, I invested everything I had on her. But, she always ask me to look for my happiness in myself and not in her. I did not try to 'heal' her, I just tried to stop her from building emotional wall around her and stop denying me the love I deserve. I could see she has so much potential in her to love and inspire her partner. A common friend of me spoke to me yesterday and said that my girlfriend used to be a sensitive and kind woman like me until her ex walked out on her and cheated her. I think that I am just unfortunate and my timing was bad.
    @Bluenote threw some cold water on my face and I did 'wake' up. And @Spygirl your reply helped to give me a second wake up call. Thank you so much..
     
    #11
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2016
  12. newborn

    newborn Member

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    @greylin I am happy to hear from you. This is the second time I am running to you for help. The first time I posted was back in 2013 when another girl broke my heart. She was gay and then she suddenly 'became' straight and married a guy. You advised me to keep an open heart and not to close myself from people who wants to come into my life. Three years later, here I am with another episode of heart break. I am now 36+ and becoming more and more desperate to settle down. I opened my door to this girl who sounded very mature and serious about relationship. She told me she wanted a monogamous relationship. I became delusional and thought love can change everyone for good. Love can move mountains, inspire etc...but I become a laughing stock when I say, I am looking for a long-term, monogamous, committed relationship leading to marriage. I do not understand why I keep meeting the wrong people. Anyway, this one was very hard because I did 'desperately' want this to work out. I made a mistake and I am paying for it now :'(
    Thank you for writing, it felt like a hug.
     
    #12
  13. newborn

    newborn Member

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    This helped a lot! It eased away my pain.

    "Thinking she's beautiful and smart is great, but what matters more is that how she shows her love makes you feel loved, that how she communicates is something you can hear, that what she loves to give is something that you desire and that what she desires is something that you love to give. The thing we think we want in a partner are the obvious ones, but it's these subtle ways of fitting together that make partnerships."

    Thank you so much for these words. I am now able to find the strength in me to course-correct myself and heal.
     
    #13
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  14. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi newborn, I am sorry this is another episode of heartache compounded on the last one. There is nothing wrong with wanting to settle down. She has thrown up some pretty huge red flags from the beginning. You were listening to your instincts when you packed your bags and were ready to go the first time. I know you desperately wanted it to work but reading the beginning part tells me you weren't desperate enough to be foolish then. You were actually careful and non pushy even though you were eager. She initiated a lot of the stuff in the beginning including a 7 hour road trip. She initiated the first physical contact. She took over driving your new car. She constantly called the shots. She realized you pretty much would do whatever she wanted. She is a controlling top who wants her women to have some mystery to them and you were too easy for her. Her desire to control the situation, to have you where she wanted you plus your desperation made it easy for you to let her tears sway you to feeling like you had a chance. By then, you were a goner.

    Opening up yourself to people meaning listening to your needs as well. I think lorienzchiu describes that part about coupling loads better than I can. It really shouldn't be this hard. Please be open to people who want to be close to you in every way that you want to be close to them. If you don't get a handshake, you don't have communications and all you find are losses. I think you put so much detail into your narration because you wanted to go back to see from the beginning the clues of what went wrong. Quite a few things did. But if you are not a match you are not a match, it does not mean you are closed off to people, just that you will have to move on to find someone else to try with. In the meantime, you will learn to pick up speed in spotting the ones that are not for you. It is ok to date casually just to see, you never know what you might find when you are not looking for it. {{hugs}}
     
    #14
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  15. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    It is a form of pushing to keep dating her when she says she doesn't connect with you, can't give you what you want, etc... It's pushing because you are trying to make her feel something- an intense connection- that she just doesn't feel. You can't make someone fall for you - they either do or they don't. It is not fair for either of you. You got hurt, she clearly felt guilt and obligation. She kept trying to push you back, you clung to the idea of a relationship no matter how many obstacles there were.

    In the future, don't try to date someone who doesn't fully connect with you. You can't force a relationship and no matter how hard you try, you can't make someone fall for you. If they don't then they just don't, you have to accept that and move on.
     
    #15
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  16. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Please don't misunderstand me -- I used your words when you said in your very first post "I thought I could help her heal."

    I think the distinction here is...and one you need to recognize for your future happiness is that her ability to love someone and her ability to love YOU are likely two very different things. Perhaps you took her building walls and "denying you the love you deserve" (your words) as her inability to love anyone, period. And that might not be the case. As @Bluenote said, you can't make someone love you. There's a certain intangible thing that makes us love some people and not others..you could be the perfect person "on paper"...and there have been times where I so wanted a relationship to work with someone because it just made sense, but I couldn't make my heart feel something that just wasn't there. If that certain something more is missing...no matter how hard you try, you can't make it appear. And maybe she really did make every effort to love you in a way you deserve to be loved, which could be precisely why you were getting mixed signals (I also think she was giving you gentle signals to indicate that she was never completely on the same page as you). I don't doubt that she probably saw how great of a person you were -- how completely unconditional you were to her and how you gave her your everything -- and thus didn't want to hurt you. Even in breakups (at least in my case), when I've had to break up with someone I didn't love, it still sucks to hurt someone.

    We could sit here guessing and second guessing and triple guessing the situation, but the one thing I have learned from relationships is that when a decision is made, we have to accept it. "What ifs" mean nothing. If she told you she loved you in one snapshot of time, that was her truth then...but it does not mean it is her truth now. We are not static and things change and evolve. We don't have to like it, and we can downright hate it...but when someone says "I can't do this," we must respect it as hard as that is. No amount of trying or persuading is going to make that person love us if that something isn't there. I say this because there were times when I waited out a relationship, clinging to false hope, only to be heartbroken in the end.
     
    #16
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  17. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Reading all this reminds me of the sitcom tropes of the eager young suitors eventually getting the women who were out of their leagues. There was chaichi from happy days going after a girl older than he was, his catch phrase was, "I'm wearing you DOWN!" There was skippy from family ties going after Melody till he all of a sudden stopped and Melody got jealous because she was so used to the attention. In that one episode, Melody was asked why she even cared that Skippy had stopped coming around. She said, "His job was to adore me and mine was to ignore him." Since my youth spent on watching TV, I have met real life eager young suitors and it didn't seem to end well for them. The objects of their affections often liked some of the attention but almost nothing else. I don't know what the suitors ever saw really in the women but just someone hard to get. They had somebody to lavish attention over, bend and twist themselves over and pray over. I don't know what Newborn saw in the lady she liked except for all the wishes and hopes she had conferred into a single photograph, and later a real life person. Love should never be this out-of-league person to aspire to. I wonder if the Melodies of the world know very well the truth that this type of attention won't really last because it is exhausting to be someone's goal. I think Newborn's lady knew and kept letting on that it is important for her to see other people. She led Newborn on a bit from the beginning till it got exhausting from trying to keep it up just to get a little attention.

    I often talk to my girlfriend when I examine my own soul. it is that type of relationship that I can bare who I am and find this warm intelligence listening and guiding me towards a better place within myself. As my life with her advances I feel more and more that I am so so fortunate. This is the type of fortune that I wish everyone could meet up with. It has taken me a lot of thoughts pinging around my head in solitude to find this happiness. I can probably say it has taken a life time. The thing is, it is never my gf's job to fix me. It is a part of a couplehood that draws us both in. As much as I joke about how she is someone who puts up with me, our relationship is one of equals. We both love each other too much.

    I hope for your newborn, in the near future that you can surround yourself with friends and go to all the holiday parties you can and find some fun. Please don't take yourself too seriously. The woman you are looking for will show up someday as you are happy and well adjusted and can take and receive love that you both will deserve. I think everything I have ever hoped for in life I often find when I am not looking. It is sort of like that pen that always disappears till you have misplaced your scissors.
     
    #17
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  18. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I could not have said this better....life has a way of dropping things in on us at times when we least expect them....in my case, it's the yin to my yang; the balance that I've always needed when I thought I wanted something or someone more akin to myself...what started as friendship....led to a cross country move....and well, being able to grow with someone is one of the most precious gifts....I've learned to appreciate the subtleties..the nuances....the differences. And am proud to call her my wife....legally.

    Yet at no time do we question whether we are in this together. I consider myself lucky....in that I've found something honest from the start....never forced...never settled for less....

    You will find it too.
     
    #18
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