Unrequited Closet-ed Love of a Good Friend

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Izzy0000, Feb 18, 2015.

  1. Izzy0000

    Izzy0000 Member

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    Okay, I am so new to *this* sort of thing, not just the gay thing but the 'liking-someone-too-much-thing' I'm posting here as I have no one I can really ask/talk to about these things. I'm not even sure where to start so I suppose I'll just tell the story in as few words as I can.

    - I am publicly straight and privately I've been attracted to girls, to this one girl in particular (Ella, who is publicly bi) but I only really noticed when I started getting romantic feelings for her. (Though sidenote: She is incredible, not the typical image of a magazine 'beauty' but in my eyes she is gorgeous. Her insane personality is what's- I can't really describe it without coming off sort-of insincere so. I like her. that's it.)

    - I became quite good friends with Ella and that's when I started to fall for her (noticing that I did so came afterwards)

    - Ella obviously had no idea about my feelings.

    - Over the course of months of me trying to figure these feelings it's revealed Ella has been dating my in-closet (and currently still) friend Jess. Cue heartbreak.

    - I love both Ella and Jess, I want to remain friends and I think the feelings are starting to fade but once I think they've subsided they just flame right up again if Ella and I spend any long length of time together, just hanging out even.

    - There are also feelings of regret that I missed the boat, so to speak, with Ella seeing as I was never out. I know I could never bring up these feelings with her because a) no point (She and Jess are the most solid couple I've ever seen) and b) potential friendship ruiner.

    How do I get rid of these feelings/wait for them to go away (it's been about a year going strong now) while maintaining my friendship with Ella? I used to see her everyday but it's much less frequent now university has begun. It's a fantastic friendship I don't want to lose but I also need to learn how to toe the line between friend behaviour and 'I-like-you-too-much' slightly-line-crossing-behaviour?
     
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    Last edited: Feb 19, 2015
  2. after_the_comet

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    I'll keep my perspective brief- your scenario is interesting...- my perspective is:
    1.) In trying to not come off too strongly towards Ella, you gave Ella the impression that you have a crush on Jess by always talking about Jess and how great she is (especially with that 'if we were one person' remark).
    2.) Ella's distancing might be because she feels that you are trying to tread on her ground regarding Jess. OR it could be that if she had slight feelings for you, she may feel that you would've never reciprocated because she thought you liked Jess.
    3.)One reason Ella might've told you she was dating Jess was to put it out there that SHE was dating Jess, and she didn't want you to get the idea that you could just swoop in.

    Of course these were just my initial thoughts when reading this- I'm interested to see what others have to say!

    I would say to try and distract yourself from these feelings/get away from them- try and find a new crush up at school. However don't do what i did and stay hung up on a girl for six years and then let that serve as a distraction from the new crushes i was having- that was bad.... So keep an open mind and open heart!
     
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  3. Izzy0000

    Izzy0000 Member

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    Thank you for responding!

    I suppose in reference to point 1, my 'if we were one person' remark wasn't the word for word, just a shortened version of what I really said (in which I observed how if one person had both of our skill or our skills combined, since I she lacks what I have and vice-versa, their writing would be the bomb.) I probably spoke a paragraph in real life (you might have noticed I can't get the hang of being brief. I am a monster trying to text if you can imagine) I also talk about many of my friends with Ella, with the same enthusiasm as I use to talk about Jess. I guess she may have perceived it differently because of the way she looks at her girlfriend, which is fair enough.

    I'd guessed point three which I find hilariously ironic.

    I know open-ness is best. I'm hoping meeting new people and branching out will help me mature emotionally anyway and hopefully when I start to see her the feelings will be faded, or a general sense of friend-love. Thanks again!
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    OK. Let's start from the beginning.

    1) Welcome to AE.

    2) Gaydar is an acceptable, non offensive term. One of the most epic threads that ever happened on AE was "The Night my Gaydar Broke. Hard."

    3) Let's summarize what happened to you
    -you are in the closet
    -you developed feelings for your friend Ella
    -you did not make a move on Ella, or entice her to make a move on you
    -Ella wound up with Jess
    -you are sad, but still want to remain friends

    4) What happened to you is not unusual. Closeted girls miss out on chances with good girls. Out girls who don't communicate what they are feeling miss out on good girls. It happens.

    5) What to do about Ella / Jess:
    Crushes do fade over time. As you move on and get more experiences of your own, Ella will take up less space 'emotionally' in your life. Keep your amount of involvement with her to what you can bear. If you are very sad after seeing her, just see her occasionally. If it's just little pangs, you can see her more ofter.

    6) What to do in the future:
    If it is safe for you to do so / won't rock your parental - financial situation, then come out. Being out is one of the best ways to be clear 'hey ladies, I'm available.'

    If you like a girl, let her know. Maybe that is taking charge. Maybe that is flirting and enticing them to pursue you. But - do something.

    Get out and meet people. Make other friends - both gay and straight. Get involved in the LGBTQ community. Get involved in things you enjoy, clubs, activities whatever. The more you meet people, the less you will be hung up on Ella and Jess

    7) Writing all of that was probably cathartic. It wasn't so cathartic for readers, which may be why you haven't gotten lots of responses. I gave you a pass as you are 19. Maybe in the future write a long cathartic one (or more) for yourself. But post the shorter, more efficient one online.

    Good luck. Keep us posted!
     
    #4
    jellohead, lorienczhiu, rac and 3 others like this.
  5. Izzy0000

    Izzy0000 Member

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    Thank you Bluenote,
    That summarised version is a lot better, you wouldn't mind me copy/pasting it and editing the original post? I didn't really check over the word-splurge well and damn. I commend you for making it the whole way through.
     
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    rewrite it in your own words. You need to convey some of your emotion and some of the newness to you to get proper advice.
     
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  7. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    I agree with Bluenote. You may end up meeting somebody who likes you and fits you better.

    That said, it's not impossible that Ella and Jess will break up and something will happen between you two. But don't keep on hanging there, let your friends be. Plus you don't want to be the other woman or subconsciously try to break them up.
     
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  8. Izzy0000

    Izzy0000 Member

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    An Update I'm going to title: ALCOHOL.

    I usually have a good tolerance, but last night I must have had a cold or my body was out of whack because it hit me hard. I went to town with doing and saying all the things I ordinarily wouldn't. There was:

    - An important turning point: In which I admitted my feelings to Ella, under the context of: I know they don't change anything, I just thought you ought to know because this is hard man, and I really like having you as my friend. She took it like a champion, in summary: Lot's of hugs and 'aw baby you know I like you but not that way' EXPECTED.

    - Though it was expected, it still hurts.

    - I went out clubbing with my other friends instead of Ella (yeah! Sensibility! Maturity!) Getting myself shut-down/rejected/reality-checked by Ella earlier was freeing, still hurts but kind of makes it easier to discuss? I had a great, open chat about this whole situation with a friend, which felt really good.

    Thanks for reading once again, I'm not sure what I want to achieve in posting. But I'm doing okay right? All things considered? Just exercise, go to work, meet up with friends and bookworm my way through life? For now anyway, baby steps.
     
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  9. Izzy0000

    Izzy0000 Member

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    A Problem with the Ella/Me friendship:
    I can't tell what is reasonable to expect and ask of her as a friend and what stems from my other feelings? Because we do have a friendship and it is not perfect. But my feelings for her really inhibit my ability to see when I can call her out for not being a good enough friend (that sounds awful but you know what I mean. Sometimes your friends screw up) and when I might simply be upset with her for not being more-than-a-friend.

    Do I want her to come to a certain event with me because she's my friend and I know we'll have an awesome time together or do I just want to spend time with her because I like her? Or do both of those things go hand in hand?

    Do I do certain favours for Ella that I wouldn't for other friends because we're simply closer friends or because I like her too much?
     
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  10. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    The truth is, you'll never know, exactly.

    I'd err on the side of caution- assume that most of it comes from crush rejection feelings and only a little from friend feelings.

    Unless it was very clear cut - stood up at the last minute without a good reason, not coming to a super important event that tons of other friends come out for. Then, ok, call her out.

    But the little stuff - you have to let it ride. If you want to have a good friendship with her, you have to seperate from the unrequited crush feelings. It'll take time, but it'll happen.

    And be careful what you say / vent about Ella to others. People like to gossip / tattle / cause trouble. Stuff can get back to Ella (and Jess) in a not nice way.
     
    #10

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