um ok?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by RomanticSoul, Dec 30, 2016.

  1. RomanticSoul

    RomanticSoul Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2016
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    6
    A short version to a very long story.....was in a relationship with this girl for almost three years we broke up two years ago due to distance. I moved on since then and had no contact with her as it was the best thing for me. About 5 months ago the ex messaged me and asked how i was doing, i ignored it for a few days then replied with a simple nice reply. then was that until a month later another message comes in. this goes on for a few months each time me either ignoring it or simple replies. earlier this month she came to me for relationship advice she is dating someone new(for a few months). i was blown away by this message and didn't know how to respond. I just told her to speak how she feels. Now over past couple weeks she has been messaging like the old days and yes i have replied to some thinking maybe the friendship we had can be build again in some way. But i find it odd how it is out of the blue and how it is only when her gf isn't around (they dont live together). She is way more chatty when she is alone and when her gf is around i dont hear from her. Am i being played in some way? I have moved on and living my life but it confuses me how this is out of the blue and she is acting its like old times except when her gf is around. I am a curious person i wonder and analyze why people do what they do and maybe this is one of those times i may be over analyzing it?
     
    #1
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    In one way I know exactly how to answer this post, in another way I am torn. Which leads me to make three points.

    Point 1 -
    The way I am sure how to answer is - you have to do what is right for you. You said she is an ex from several years ago. You said that no contact was what was best for you. I am sure that you had good reasons for that no contact, even though you didn't go into detail.

    It sounds like just this little bit of interaction has thrown you for a loop. It seems like sticking to the no contact is probably best for you. From your post it sounds like you don't want to hear about her gf issues, be her confidant, whatever. And that is totally valid. First off, it's crappy boundaries for her to go from barely talking to you to asking an ex girl advice. Does she have no other friends she can talk to? Can't she just post that shit on AE? Why dump it on you? That is pretty unfair of her, imho. Exes are exes for a reason and it can be too painful / toxic / frustrating / confusing to be in touch with them. Let the old feelings lie and don't pick at the scars. Certainly don't go from 0 to being her personal Ann fucking Landers.

    Point 2-
    The second bit, I am not entirely sure how to answer. And that is - why is she contacting you now? Here I am torn between two opinions a) don't try to over analyze other people's actions and b) trust your gut.

    Option a says - you can't really know, or guess exactly why she is deciding to contact you. The answer could be from anything random like - her facebook popped up 'people you may know,' to something more serious like she misses you at the holidays. So don't drive yourself crazy trying to analyze her behavior - and just do what is right for you. (More on this in point 3).

    Option b says - if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...
    This option says it is a bit sketchy that she has contacted you out of the blue and confided about her girl troubles. It is like she is trying to rebuild something - at least emotionally - with you, while simultaneously dating someone else. That sends up red flags to me that she is just playing you and the gf. Which leads me to point 3...

    Point 3 -
    If you were really logical and anal about this, I think all trains of thought would lead you to the same conclusion. And that is - having no contact (or very, very little contact) is what is best for you. Let's think the possibilities through a bit.

    Possibility 1) action - she contacted you on a random whim. She doesn't have any romantic or ill intentions.
    Result - you feel mixed, it's bringing up old, difficult feelings, it's leaving you confused.
    Result - there are bad boundaries, she is asking you for gf advice, is chatting you up when her gf isn't around.
    Best response - avoid the painful shit show and stick to no contact.

    Possibility 2) action - she contacted you with intentions of somehow rekindling things. Like an emotional affair type situation.
    Result - your gut senses something weird is up. It's leaving you confused.
    Result - there are bad boundaries because - she is intentionally trying to have bad boundaries. She is reeling you into an emotional closeness, a girl on the side thing with her that you don't want.
    Best response - avoid the painful shit show and stick to no contact.


    tl;dr - no matter her intentions, this situation has bad boundaries and is unhealthy for all three of you (you, her, gf). Resume no contact, don't try to analyze it and move on.
     
    #2
    rainydaze likes this.
  3. RomanticSoul

    RomanticSoul Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2016
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    6
    Thank you for your reply Bluenote - As I was reading it i was shaking my head yes in agreement to what you said. I guess I am not most people or maybe I am but I am a good hearted person,caring of others even those I dont know and it just confuses me when someone does something that I wouldn't. Towards the end of my relationship with my ex it got nasty to the point she was very needy and emotional manipulative - it got so bad that it broke me down and most days I wished i didn't hear from her cause i would be left emotionally drained and upset. I would intentionally ignore her sometimes just so I would have a good day. It was too much for me - I didn't see then cause I loved her but I saw clearly after and now that she is self absorb, she does think its everyone fault but her own when something happens,never takes ownership to an issue she caused, and when she don't get her way she does get manipulative by using emotions. And then i felt she was talking to others (guys and girls) while with me i always felt she wasn't telling me the truth about some people and now looking back on it, now this situation arise, i think i may have been right.

    It took me awhile to get over that and her but I am still good heart person and have inner peace and still care about those around me and others. I am in a loving relationship and have no intention other than to be a nice person. I'm glad she moved on but the same time I feel bad for her gf - I don't think she knows what is really going on only what my exx is telling her. Part of me that caring side,wants to warn that girl even though i dont know her, to save her from possibly feeling what i did many years ago but then the other half is telling have nothing to do with any of it - let the girl find out on her own.

    I feel angry somewhat at it to be honest, to wait this long and when my ex does decide to contact me the first real long convo is about her gf issues. And after thinking, again in the message she turns it all on her gf, my ex doesn't accept she play some part. It feels wrong to me to contact me like this to talk about her gf first not play catch up, it feels wrong to lie to me in a sense, it feels wrong that she is still at her same games and this girl doesn't know what is coming for her. My ex mention in this long real message that her gf found out she message me and was upset. I would be too if i found my current flame contacting an ex. And I don't get why my ex came to me first for advice and not post it here like you said. I don't run to an ex when i have an issue, i asked a close friend or come here to ask the lovely ladies here.

    It just looks and feel so f*** up to me and i hate the lies that are in it cause i feel im being lied to and this poor girl,her gf is being lied to. I think I will listen to your points and avoid this drama shit show cause i feel it will be, keep contact limited for sure at least or not at all. But that good side of me feels so bad for this girl I just wish i could warn her in some way. But i feel my ex's gf may see other intentions, when really there isn't, i just want to look out for her. We should all look out for each other in some way when we see wrong at least that is how i believe. And maybe that is an disadvantage i have, i care for people that i shouldn't have.
     
    #3
  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    From what you describe, your ex is some kind of emotional vampire who needs to feed off of other people and have drama around her. It sounds like she is trying to get back into a dynamic of feeding off of you.

    I think you are wise to stay away from it. If she needs advice and support she can turn to friends, AE, or - honestly it sounds like a bit of therapy might help her.

    I know it is tempting to warn your ex's current gf, but I think you should stay away from that. That kind of stuff rarely goes well - people in love tend to ignore red flags and discount the opinions of exes. It could turn into all kinds of hurt and drama. Just stay away. The gf is a big girl, it is up to her to decide what she can and can't deal with in a relationship. It is up to her to say 'this girl is too needy and manipulative for me.' After all, everyone has different standards. Some people like being in unhealthy drama ridden relationships. Just let the gf take care of herself, it's not your responsibility.

    It does seem like this has opened up old wounds for you. I think it best if you have no (or very, very little) contact with the ex. It is ok if you still feel hurt and used by her - if emotions from the past are still there. You don't have to pretend to be ok with her, what she did to you, or what happened, just because the earth has gone around the sun three times since then. It sounds like she hurt you pretty badly, it is ok if that is still a sore spot for you.
     
    #4
  5. RomanticSoul

    RomanticSoul Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2016
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    6
    Thanks again for replying, and I think you nailed it very right - I don't think she realizes what she does to people or how it affects them, but if some weird reason she knows its mess up. I had enough of the emotional feeding the first time I really don't want it around me again to be honest. I have done a lot of self work to get where I am today and I don't want any drama or that kind of treatment in my life. So I will take your advice and wipe my hands clean of this cause to me its clear, she hasn't changed. And I will keep out of that business. Your right her gf is a big girl and will see it sooner or later but if she likes that kind of thing then they are a good match.
    It has open an old wound for me because as much as I have changed and moved on, it will always hurt it left a scar on me to be treated that way. I will keep going on with my life but it did make me realize what i don't want. Maybe one day she will realize how hurtful she was on myself or anyone else she came across, but im not holding my breathe for that and i am certainly not going to stop living my life, enjoying it and loving someone who loves me. She can stay in her dark hole while i keep going on in sunshine and rainbows.
    Thanks a lot Bluenote it means a lot, sometimes all I need or anyone in fact is to bounce it off others - I hope 2017 brings you the very best in everything!
     
    #5
    Bluenote likes this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice