Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by Einsteinzodiac, Aug 18, 2015.

  1. Einsteinzodiac

    Einsteinzodiac New Member

    Aug 18, 2015
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    So after coming out years ago, going through college, beggining and ending relationships, I've finally feel like my life is stable. Part of that is because I just graduated, moved to a new city and have started my career.

    Along the way I met a girl. I fell so hard, so fast. After less than a month of knowing her, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. After two weeks, we met each other's parents. We're both on the same page, it's unbelievable how much we care about and feel for each other. Less than a month with her feels more natural than all of my year long relationships combined. Everything feels right: work, friends, love. Then it hit me- is this what everyone is talking about- uhualing?

    Has anyone had experience with this phenomenon? What are the pros and cons? Any advice? I really want to hear different stories and perspectives.
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Technically, uhauling is when you move in together super quick.

    But you are going really fast.

    It's complicated, but our feelings can sometimes mislead us. We can 'real click' with someone at first and think 'wow, she really is the one.' But you don't really know each other- does she want kids, how does she cope with stress, is she a slob, etc.,,

    As time passes, you get to know each other more and suddenly- she has a bad habit that drives you nuts, or you hate how she gives up when stuff is stressful.

    After a month- you are just getting to know each other. My advice? Enjoy the ride, but hold off on big commitments like moving in, getting married, combining finances, etc... until you have known each other for a lot longer.

    If she is 'the one' she will still be around and you can enjoy those steps as they come, no need to rush.
    greylin likes this.
  3. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

    Feb 19, 2015
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    well yes, sounds like it has moved rather quickly. The beginning is exciting, just keep getting to know each other and try not to rush things anymore than they are. From my friends experiences (not mine), those that move too quickly can struggle more so when things start to calm down and aren't as new.... May not be the case here, but just enjoy the newness. Fast relationship and moving in together is considered Uhauling.
    greylin likes this.
  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    Sure is! Though I think is strict lesbian parlance, to U-Haul is to move in together at this point, so warning signs include scanning craiglist and visiting Ikea.

    It's not a bad thing to connect with someone right away, and a lot of the "rightness" you're feeling is a pretty serendipitous and sweet hormonal spike that promotes sex, affection, bonding, and closeness - and dampen our inhibitions, worries and irritants. You (and she) are straight up high on each other, and so of course you want to move fast and make this happen, and you are primed to see the good and be patient with the bad by the tricksy chemicals flooding your bodies. When we meet a compatible partner (and that's compatibility in everything from lifestyle to looks to pheremones), our bodies kick it into gear to make sure we get pregnant pretty much as fast as possible. (Psych!) That's what love is for, and the intense falling-in-love honeymoon is its first stop on the road.

    The honeymoon phase (or the U-Haul danger phase) feels GREAT, and it can be really great. Pros:
    - During this time, you're ready to bond and negotiate, because closeness is more important than your individual needs. Use it to build strong communication habits and figure out how you are going to resolve conflicts, rather than to ignore red flags.
    - You have higher stamina and endurance (and not just in bed!). Enjoy it. Stay up all night talking; enjoy long weekends, soak each other up and be astonished at how you can still go about your day next day.

    - Makes you crazy. Dude, I did so many impulsive and foolish things during the first six months of my relationship with my wife, because we were long distance and I wanted to see/communicate with her. Watch for those times when you're compromising your own needs, and make sure it's okay to take space (even if you don't necessarily want to) when you need to.
    - Hides flaws. You can forget, when the woman in front of you is thoroughly rose-tinted, that you don't really know her that deeply. Sure, everything you know about her so far is great, but you lack experience with what she's like when she's sick, how she deals with serious conflict, how she lives from day-to-day when she's not crazy in love. A lot of people emerge from the honeymoon phase to find that their partner is terrible with money, or a little codependent, or terrible at resolving arguments, because it just never came up before.
    - Moves you too fast. Corollary of the last one; you can move into some pretty serious situations - moving in together, sharing finances, etc - without knowing what you're in for, or thoroughly thinking in through. Because....
    - It is going to end. I love my wife to pieces, and she still makes me feel warm and fuzzy and safe and happy and loved - but with no where near the levels of intensity that I felt at the beginning. That's normal; your body can't stay high like this for more than 6-18 months, and that's what "falling out of love" or "loving you, but not being in love with you" are. This is normal and perfectly fine, and your body will transition to more mellow signals (which are also great!). But it can feel like a let down after what you're feeling now, and if you build a relationship only for the honeymoon phase, it will stumble later on.

    So my advice, I guess, is: enjoy it, but don't let it take over. Be aware of what infatuation really is - hormone soup - and leverage it to build something great with your girlfriend, using all that goodwill and closeness to really get to know each other and figure out what you want your partnership to be like in the long run.
    greylin likes this.
  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Why stigmatize any new beginnings with a name? A lot of couples can't get enough of each other at the beginning. As long as what you are doing is not giving you concerns. You are not sharing finances or renting and buying a new place then just have fun. Long term couples fight about habits, money, shared spaces (see habits), money and kids. In other words, whatever a person shares with another person seems to be a big source of strive over time. You need to find if you are compatible or adjustible in those areas when you explore this relationship.
    Nancy likes this.

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