U-haul dilemma

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Boo, Dec 18, 2013.

  1. Boo

    Boo Well-Known Member

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    My girlfriend and I have been together for about 6 months now. We stay over at each other's place often enough. Now I'm in between apartments (lease was up, still haven't found a new place), so I'm staying at hers for a couple of weeks, 3 max. Two days into my stay which was yesterday, we went grocery shopping and on our walk back in the cold, she asked me to quit looking for my own place and just move in with her. I thought she was joking, but she was very serious. It was so sudden so I said I'd think about it. Waking up today, she rolled over and asked if I'd thought about it? She said she really liked the idea of seeing me at home when she gets home from work everyday and she felt all fuzzy wuzzy warm inside walking 'home' with me in the cold. I thought that was sweet, but .................. 6 months, too soon right??????

    I don't know. I'm the sort who needs my own space. And I'd like to keep something for the imagination. I don't know. Would that upset her? Saying I want my own space? And I don't want to witness EVERYTHING about her and vice versa?
     
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  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    It sounds like you know what you want: your own place. You know why you want it (privacy, independence, mystery). And the only thing you're worried about is how she'll take it.

    U-hauling seems like a great idea, from the sappy standpoint of "we're meant to be together ALL THE TIME." But it can jeopardize fledgling relationships (because there are a lot of habits and expectations we have about our living space, privacy, chores, etc that are NOT romantic), and is a big adjustment for even the smoothest, best established, rockstar communicator couples. Moving in together is like sex for the first time: you both have to really want it, be ready, and to have it go well it helps if you're comfortable expressing and exploring your needs. Besides, there are many other ways for a new relationship to establish and build love and intimacy other than sharing space. Also, we have this expectation that all couples should end up living together; that's not the right thing for everyone.

    So, have the conversation. Tell her what you put here, with a little more - "I love spending time with you, and I'm so happy to be with you. I think that I want my own place, though, for these reasons." She might react badly; she might be hurt; she might not understand at first. But for this relationship to have long-term, moving-in-someday potential, you need to be able to speak up for your needs and desires, and to have them truly and lovingly heard - even and especially when what you want doesn't match up with what she wants. Your reason to move in shouldn't be that you're afraid of what she'll say if you tell her; even if it's hard, honesty is the best choice for you and for the health and potential longevity of your relationship.
     
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  3. Boo

    Boo Well-Known Member

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    You know it's funny how I asked even when I knew the answer/solution. Thank you by the way for the very insightful answer. I did what I knew I needed to do. After telling her no, we sort of drifted apart everyday and eventually broke up a few weeks back. Can't say I didn't see that coming. Some girls are just not okay without solidity.
     
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  4. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    Some people like to be by themselves, to have a home this is 100% theirs. There are married couples who live on different floors in the same apt. building or live in different cities. It sounds like incompatibility and not working out the hurt feelings.

    If or when this comes up again... look at moving into a 2-bedroom apartment. Thus, giving you YOUR space... a room to call your own. 6 months is about avg. Some people move in on day 1, others years.

    With my wife: she moved in about 2 months after our first date. The adjustment period was the first 2-3 months, in which as Lorienchiu puts it "not romantic" parts were sorted out. She is loud, I am not, when it comes to music... etc, etc. There are a few minor things that bugs each other, but nothing relationship busting. And we do have rockstar communications.

    Oh - when moving in together (hopefully in a different place), buy things for the home together - it was fun for us. We'd shop for drapes, kitchenware, towels, furniture we'd like, etc.

    For our bedroom, we did create areas that are hers and mine.
    *yawn* time to snuggle up in bed.
     
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  5. nfernandez345

    nfernandez345 Active Member

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    I can't blame her for breaking up with you. I'm not saying it was the right thing to do, but I know if my partner had said the same to me I'd be heartbroken. I would just feel like she doesn't care.... maybe you two just weren't the right fit for each other. Sounds like she needs someone a little more needy and you need someone a little more independent.
     
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  6. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    @nfernandez: That is a very important aspect I've not thought of before when it comes to relationships.
    How "needy" a couple is to each other. There are people who are WAAAY to needy, but there are people out there who desire or need such a personality in a partner.
     
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