Trying to navigate dating

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by justwonder, Sep 23, 2013.

  1. justwonder

    justwonder Member

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    After realizing my sexuality, I had a strong urge to do something about it. I've only ever dated men, so this is all very foreign to me. There's a different dynamic between two women... who initiates? Who calls or texts first?
    Anyway... I joined okcupid but didn't upload a picture. I said in my Bio that I have pictures but didn't want them displayed publicly. A girl messages me who I found attractive. We exchanged texts and I sent her my pictures. She said I looked like a celebrity and seemed interested.
    But Wtf comes next? Her texts are short, I have to initiate. I haven't texted today and I'm going to wait. If not, then I'm going to cut my losses and move on. This has only been in the past couple days but wow, now I know why men always say women are confusing and I give them more props for making the first moves.. it's hard work.
    Advice! Please?
     
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  2. Twizzler

    Twizzler Active Member

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    I'm in the same situation as you! Haha and it really is confusing, if you're always initiating then it's most likely she'll find it strange that you haven't sent her a text ... She'll send you a message if she's really interested (at least I would)

    Good luck fellow okcupid-er :p
     
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  3. Pixel

    Pixel Active Member

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    Seems like we are sailing on the same boat, ladies. The S.S. Clueless? Haha.

    Usually when I'm interested in a lady, I text her first. And it usually works. BUT - it has to go both ways, right? I'm kinda dating/getting to know someone from OKC myself. We've hung out a few times but I still cannot gauge her level of interest. She doesn't flirt with me (or she does but I'm not picking up on it; see clueless), whereas I tease her like crazy (in a joking manner, I mean). She makes a shit ton of eye contact which only makes me shy away like a dork. I try to keep up with the eyes though. She's distractingly/intimidatingly pretty. *sigh

    Anyway, I guess finding out for yourself is the best way. Ask her if she's free for a drink or coffee (or any cool event you two might enjoy) and see what happens. What have you got to lose, really? She might say yes, she might say no. Let's hope she says yes and take it from there.

    Good luck to ya!
     
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  4. justwonder

    justwonder Member

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    Maybe I'm lazy or just would prefer someone who is more expressive and less passive. My dream partner isn't someone who puts no effort in. Maybe I'm being judgmental but as Sweet Brown once said, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

    Oy, this will be a long journey.
     
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  5. Twizzler

    Twizzler Active Member

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    Hahaha true, ain't nobody got time for that

    If you don't feel comfortable then just leave it there, or let her know what you feel (like Pixel said) that you want her to show more interest if she has any, this whole online thing is very frustrating (imo) cause you kinda have to be very explicit in what you're trying to say lol and that does NOT work well with the shy ones (it sucks -_-), I'm trying to get the hang of it but maaaan are girls confusing!

    @Pixel - would you like to give us some pointers here???? Hahah
     
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  6. Pixel

    Pixel Active Member

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    @justwonder - Oh, it's gonna be a long, frustrating journey, for sure! Especially with OKC. Have you given pof.com a try yet?

    The way I see it is, if you want something, why not just go and get it? Don't wait for her to text, who cares if it's you who initiates at first. Just see where it goes. You definitely need patience. If you're already picking up on her lack of interest then yeah, move on. I've learned along the way not to waste my efforts/time on people who don't want to get to know me better as a person.

    She could be really busy, she might hate texting, *insert a myriad of possibilities here*. Texting vs meeting in real life and seeing how she is in person could change your mind about her. I just think meeting as quickly as possible is the best way to go about it with online dating. Even if it doesn't work out in a romantic capacity, you could always make a new friend.

    @Twizzler - what kind of pointers are you looking for exactly? Care to share your situation? You can send me a private message if that works better for ya.
     
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  7. Brandy Alexander

    Brandy Alexander Well-Known Member

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    Online dating is awful. It's time consuming, confusing, and very very often disappointing. I wouldn't be in a rush to meet the girl of your dreams because that may not happen for a long time. Patience and communication is a must as well as a clear definition of what you're looking for in a partner.

    I believe for a relationship to work and truly be beneficial to both parties involved it has to be 50/50. It doesn't matter if it's two women. The biggest misconception about gay/lesbian relationships is the need to assign traditional heterosexual gender roles. There shouldn't be a male and female assignment to the women in the relationship. No one should be responsible for initiating contact. If she is interested in you then she will contact you via text or email. I think the "I'm shy" or "I'm really busy" excuse is the politically correct way of saying, "I'm just not that into you."

    I know, if I'm into a girl....I could stand in the middle of a blizzard in sub-zero weather without gloves risking life and limb to send a quick "Hi". If you keep initiating and getting nothing in return, you have a few basic options: 1.) Continue initiating and getting crumbs in return (not recommended). 2.) Meet in person a.s.a.p. to gauge chemistry (determine vitality of possible relationship). 3.) Tell her straight out you need more reciprocation (you're in the infancy stage of a relationship so there isn't really anything to lose so this is my recommendation).

    It takes time to build a long term relationship. I wouldn't rush things, however, in the beginning ground rules and/or deal breakers should be discussed. I believe regular communication is important to you therefore you should inform any possible LTR partner. The relationship is only as strong as the foundation you two build in the beginning.

    Good Luck :)
     
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  8. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I'm shy; I hate initiating, in friendships or relationships. But you'd better believe that if someone expresses interest in me and I want it to go somewhere, I make it happen - respond promptly, encourage flirting, suggest dates. In same-sex relationships, someone has to find the ovaries to make the first move, but it's just good manners to not leave her hanging when she does.

    A power imbalance in the infancy stages of the relationship - you doing all the texting, her withholding - can tell you what to expect later on. Will you have to chase her to hang out with you? Wait hours for a quick text? Be the one always initiating communication, affection, sex? If the pattern keeps going, and she never gives you more than a cursory answer, even after the two of you manage to meet up, you probably don't want to invest your time and affection in a woman who won't meet you halfway. Half the posts on this forum are from women with withholding partners - she never answers my texts, she hangs out with her ex more than me, she takes me for granted. Paying attention to early signals is really important in avoiding these kinds of relationships - because even if you date these women, you can establish healthy patterns and define your needs and boundaries early on. (There ARE legit reasons she might be hesitant, which will resolve as she gets more comfortable or more into you. She might be into you and your celebrity looks, but one of those women who has "rules" about how dating should work; she might be playing games and/or not that excited about you as a prospect. She might be reasonably cautious about people that she's met online, and want a chance to talk it over with her best friend before she meets up with you.)

    Ultimately, navigating dating is a careful balance between taking risks and valuing your self-worth. Be willing to step out there and try; recognize when the risk is making you feel bad about yourself, and be willing to step back. At the end of the day, being happy and secure that you made a strong decision for you is more important than coupling up - and there are plenty of great women out there who aren't gonna play games.

    (ALSO: a plug for in-person meeting of people. Check out meetup.com and search for queer groups in your area. You might be surprised that you actually have non-online avenues for lady-finding.)
     
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  9. Twizzler

    Twizzler Active Member

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    Brandi, you're spot on! Thought I was weird for thinking that way lol I also (firmly) believe the "oh sorry I was busy" excuse is bs, specially nowadays with people having a cellphone glued to their hands, of course it happens sometimes that you really couldn't reply, and people use that excuse often so it's hard to tell when they mean it hah .. And with the I'm shy thing well, I'm excruciatingly shy but when I'm interested in someone I initiate communication even if it's the stupidest message lol

    So Justwonder, don't let her keep you waiting for hours for a response, I don't think you'll have a lot of trouble finding more girls ;)

    @Pixel: thank you for the offer :), i had a situation, dear Moses was kind enough to hear me out haha it didn't work with the girl but it's ok, I'm not looking to jump straight into a relationship right now, I'm currently using okc just to make some friends and it's funny to read some "peculiar" messages (you guys know what I'm talking about lol)
     
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  10. justwonder

    justwonder Member

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    Thank you for the advice, ladies! I agree with all of you. I'm cutting my losses with this one. I just can't see myself with anyone who is that passive. Been there, done that... no need for a repeat. I'm not big into texting either and I don't enjoy waiting around.

    The thing about the area I live in is that pickings are slim when it comes to the gay/lesbian scene so when i see someone i could possibly click with, I get prematurely excited. Maybe it's just OKC but man, it's disturbing the girls I'm finding on there. No I haven't tried pof and to be quite honest, I don't think I want to.
    I'm only 24 so I'm not in any rush but if I'm still dealing with this in a couple years, i will be searching for jobs in a larger city with more diversity. We don't even have a gay bar here. I mean what kind of bullshit is that?? Lol
     
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  11. Pixel

    Pixel Active Member

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    @BrandyAlexander (feist song, or cocktail?)

    Your comment, "I'm shy" or "I'm really busy" excuse is the politically correct way of saying, "I'm just not that into you." - This kinda thing DRIVES ME INSANE. Like, I appreciate some freaking honesty. Not feeling it, tell me! Don't give me that silence says it all crap. JUST SAY SO. It would save so much time and prevent over thinking and unnecessary questioning of everything I said/did as to WHY it's not working. Haha. I've had some amazing dates in the past and then absolute silence after.
    Or that one time when I had a second date with this girl who gave me absolutely nothing to work with so obvious something was off that the date was cut short. When I drove her back to her car, she said "I had a great time, let me know when you're free to hang out again" - ?!?!?! (did not see her again).

    I'm 31 and I mostly date women my age (or slightly older) and I figured these kinda things would have stopped by now, but NOPE. Same shit, different day. *sigh*
     
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  12. Twizzler

    Twizzler Active Member

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    Yeah don't worry about it! There's stil plenty of time, enjoy meeting people and making friends..

    I think that's what happened with the girl I was talking about, maybe I got too excited lol
    I feel for you on the bar thing, I mean really? Maybe you need a spellbinding map to find it ;) haha or maybe I should stop watching harry potter movies, maybe lol
     
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  13. Brandy Alexander

    Brandy Alexander Well-Known Member

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    @Pixel (pic or kindle bks?) Mine is COCKTAILS & moonlit nights :) (I have the Beach Boys Kokomo song stuck in my head now)

    I, honestly, keep hoping I can escape the politics of junior high dating, but it never seems to happen. I certainly don't want to hurt anyone else's feelings. I don't want my own feelings to get banged up, however, we are adults and there are better ways to communicate our feelings than "I'm shy" or "I'm really busy". I would even gratefully accept "I'm really sorry, but you wore a purple shirt and purple just depresses me!" At least, I know she isn't interested and she didn't dis my height, weight, or face! I could totally move on feeling good about myself.

    Maybe we need to combine our experiences/nightmares and write a how to/not date in today's global world!

    Good Luck to the normal ladies out there trying to find a partner!!!!
     
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  14. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Maybe people here who go to OKC can do introductions on the introductions thread? I find AE'ers to be folks who like to keep in touch. For some reason, online things that are made for certain particular functions tend to attract a lot of flakes. For instance, I had such a hard time a few years back hitting up people who advertise on CL that they wanted certain jobs. I would contact them and they would say stuff like, "um, actually, I just started dating now and I don't have time..."

    I don't know why people are not straight forward. Sh*t or get off the pot already. (real romantic, I know...) :mrgreen:
     
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  15. Pixel

    Pixel Active Member

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    @BrandyAlexander - Pics! Never had the cocktail before. Perhaps tonight is the night to try one out. ;)

    In regards to hurt feelings - this is why I think it's great to meet right away and not spend too much time exchanging messages back and forth. For me, at least there is no emotional involvement enough to get my feelings hurt from some woman, you know? Will I be disappointed, yes, of course. But I will move on and not dwell on the "why's", the "how comes" and the "why did you say this and not mean it" crap.

    @greylin - I'm sure there's loads of lovely ladies on here, but I guess the reason why I'm on OKC(even though I think about deleting it daily) is that it helps narrow down your choices. I'm not into any long distance relationships, nor am I seeking a pen-pal if you will. Jeeze, hopefully that doesn't make me sound like a jerk. But yeah, I want someone who will be near me and want to go dancing or a concert or get our nerd on at some exhibit or just stay home and cuddle up watching movies. It's a lot to ask for, cuz I am not finding it. Haha.

    Oh and I totally agree with you on the internet=flakes thing. That is so true. I once sent this woman a message and she responded that she was dating someone already but she was still very much active on OKC daily. Um, perhaps why not change your status then? :roll:

    Anyway, I'm off to drink the night away with a fellow gal pal at my local gay bar where gay men will hit on me. *sigh*

    Have a great night, ladies!
     
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  16. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Ya, LDR is harsh. Under introductions in the forums, people say hi from different locales. Probably a good way to meet local people. Or the meetup groups like someone have mentioned. Can't knock meeting people who like doing the same things.
     
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  17. Pixel

    Pixel Active Member

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    I joined meetup.com but so far I've not been able to attend a single event due to
    A) being too far away to make these meetups (for some reason the majority of them are within driving distance, but then...)
    B)my work schedule preventing me from attending due to their set times (I work late into the evening).

    So it's back to soul-crushing OKC. :?
     
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