Try harder or not ment to be?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Stccy, Mar 13, 2016.

  1. Stccy

    Stccy Member

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    Hi everyone,
    So.. My fiancé and I took a weekend to celebrate our 4th year anniversary . We had fun but in the end of the day there is still something we both been wondering about.

    You see, we do love each other but the problem is that we are so different from each other, we have different interests and opinion in things and we are still having a hard time communicating with each other ( mainly because I don't always tell her what I feel and think)

    I do see a future with her but the thing is I'm worried about our differences. She is more rational and I'm more emotional. I'm more of a social person and she's kind of anti social person. My family and friends don't really get along with her. I love cuddling and kissing, giving and receiving affection. I sometimes feel like I'm a needy person because I love intimacy and I know that it often annoys her. And to tell you the truth I don't think we have a good "bed chemistry". It feels like I often have more lust in bed than her. She mentioned that she don't feel she have the need to have sex.

    WE don't know weather we should work harder to get our relationship work better or maybe we are just not ment to be?
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Honestly, that is a question that only the two of you can answer.

    I have seen people who were very different - personalities, likes, even sex drive - make a marriage work. That being said, it takes compromise and commitment. Every person has to decide for themselves how much and what they are willing to compromise on. They also have to accept that they are agreeing to make that compromise of their own free will and not blame their partner for it.

    Some people have deal breakers "I want kids," "I won't date a serious drinker," "my wife needs to have a sense of humor." Those deal breakers are legit and someone doesn't have to compromise on things that are really, really important to them.

    Only you know where the line is for you. Is affection something that you are willing to compromise on? Is having a very affection wife a must for you? Would you be satisfied if she met you in the middle - more affectionate than she is now, but not super affectionate?

    I guess my suggestion would be for you two to go to couples counseling together. In counseling, you could bring up some of these big concerns - bed chemistry, how you communicate with each other, affection. A counselor can help you work through these and see if you can find common ground where you both are happy.

    Obviously, there is a big gulf between you feeling lustfull (which is normal and healthy) and her not wanting to have sex (which is also normal and healthy for some). You two don't want to end up in a situation where you two never have sex and you feel resentful and unfulfilled. Or a situation where you two do have sex, but she is just doing it 'for you' and she feels resentful and used.

    If she just isn't a very sexual person - you two will have to think long and hard about that compromise.

    But if she has just sort of 'lost her drive' couples counseling can help her get it back. Things like clearing up questions about the relationship, learning to communicate better and having good boundaries can really bring the spark back in bed.

    The other issues - affection, communication, getting along with family and friends can also be worked through. If you both are willing to compromise, you can find a middle ground - you communicate more, she reaches out to you more with affection.

    I don't normally like to play the 'therapy card.' But I am trying to answer your post as honestly as possible. My honest answer is - very different people can make relationships work. It just lies in how much they can, or are willing to compromise. Sorting out that compromise, especially on big issues like sex or communication, can be tricky. Couples counseling can help sort those issues out.

    Whatever you two decide, I wish you both the best of luck.
     
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  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    To what Bluenote said (which is great advice, and I cosign "get thee to a counselor!" because there are people whose JOB is helping you resolve this issues and make this to decision), I add:

    Just make sure that "work harder" is not code for "bang your head repeatedly against an brick wall and thinking that it can be moved."

    In some ways, it is a miracle that relationships ever work at all. I have dated people a lot like myself, and it has been a disaster because we were TOO similar with too many of the same needs; I have dated people very different from myself, and it's been tough because we've felt like we have been speaking completely different languages. Successful relationship are those where I am aware of and empowered by our differences and similarities - where knowing those things helps me (and us) navigate stress, ask for support, give support, and define boundaries. And working around those differences - that can be a question of changing behavior, improving communication, working on habits, etc. That is work that you can learn to do, so different people CAN be tremendously happy in partnership with each other.

    BUT.

    The question I would ask yourself is: if none of this changes - if your sex drives are mismatched, your social habits different, your physicality on the opposite end of the spectrum - will you be happy?

    Counseling can teach you how to communicate better, make compromises, negotiate sex and affection more effectively. 100%. But you both won't actually learn those habits and make durable changes in your relationships unless you actively choose to and do the work it takes - the practicing, processing, counting to ten, and whatever other script-rewriting exercises come up. Some of the differences might decrease, or at least the friction would soften - you would get better at communicating with practice, and maybe find shared ground on cuddling, and figure out how to take about when and how much you want sex - but some of these things are hardwired, and aren't going to change much even if you learn how to talk about them.And your fiance, or yourself, might find change hard, or unpleasant, or unnecessary, or impossible. Doing the work does not guarantee that it will be effective, and not everyone wants to or is able to do it. Some differences are a brick wall, and they're not going anywhere. So, if you work hard and things do not change, how happy will you be with them down the road?

    Because the road you are looking at is long. We can make excuses and work-arounds for lots of little behaviors from the people we date, and we get used to them in our partners so that they fade into the background, and then one day you look at your wife and you realize that this, this is what you get today, and tomorrow, and all the days after that. That realization can be devastating, and lead to frustration and contempt and dissolution; but it can also be neutral, or momentous, or joyful - this person, this ridiculous idiosyncratic funny sweet person! And I don't know how you're going to feel when you get there, but imagine yourself, with your fiancee ten years down the road, and she is the same rational, introverted, independent woman you are with now - because mostly, she will be.

    Do you feel happy, that she is the person in front of you? Isolated because your needs are not met? (It sounds a little like this is where you are right now.) Contented because you found ways to meet your needs in a network of supportive friends (and, ahem, alone time)? Does her independence and physical isolation frustrate you, or do you feel a friendly affection for her, the singular person that you have built a life with? (And... does she feel respected? supported? frustrated? harried? This exercise goes both ways.)

    A counselor will be much better able to smooth the edges and help you evaluate how big your difference are, but bear in mind that the endgame here is not actually having fewer differences, but in learning to see, respect, and work with the different people that you are. If you decide that no, you cannot have your needs met in this relationship, than that is sad and hard - but honest and a potentially good choice. If you decide if you are willing to do the work and give up some of your needs because being with is worth it, make sure it's also an honest and good choice.

    Good luck figuring it out and reaching a decision.
     
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  4. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    Excellent advice from both Bluenote and Lorienczhiu!...as usual!

    Bluenote - It's ok to throw that therapy card around a bit! It is not a bad card to play! It has helped a lot of us, and there are certainly worse cards to play, i believe! :rolleyes:
     
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