trusting your gut!

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by rachel123321, May 7, 2017.

  1. rachel123321

    rachel123321 New Member

    May 7, 2017
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    Im going to attempt to keep this short but I am conflicted. Like really really badly and I need advice.
    I have always been one to go with my gut and from the beginning when I met this girl, that gut feeling kept telling me to run the other way because she was just another girl. (no offense)

    So this girl is a friend of a friend who would tag along occasionally at school. after graduation Id still occasionally see her because I was tutoring at school while waiting to get into a program. We had already exchanged numbers but it was nothing more than help. But since she had my number she just randomly started texting me one day and I thought she seemed cute and funny so I went along. We got to hanging out every once in a while, mostly because she needed help with school work, but we'd always make time after to hang out. Usually the whole time we'd be out Id see all these text come in from guys/flirts. (the unfortunate power of imessage on a laptop) But again I hadnt thought anything of our friendship yet because I really hadnt allowed myself to get any mixed signals from her. I just thought, this girl plays the field....and thats her thing. I didnt care.
    well a couple months after her classes had ended we were still hanging out a lot. One evening the conversation got into us dating but it seemed very humorous. Like, a joke almost. While I thought this would be great, I didnt really take her too serious because my gut this whole time has been telling me shes trouble. I do not want to speak too badly of her but shes incredibly narcissistic, always demanding attention, and well just overall not my type (personality wise.) but we have such a fun time when we hang out.
    We have shared some very intimate and personal things with eachother and it really makes me think that there is this side to her that I could potentially love but this side of her is only exposed when it is just her and I. When we hang out with other friends, she is another person and this freaks me out.
    For a while there was a nice exchange of kissing and cuddling but one day we met up for drinks and had told me about some guy she met and how she felt like she put out too fast. I wasnt too distraught so I gave her advice like a friend should. Eventually I started talking to some other girl and she seemed whatever about it. She asked who was more beautiful and if her personality was good enough for me. By the end of that conversation it had pretty much turned into an argument about how this girl that I went on a couple dates with was too dull for me and I deserved to be with someone like her. I stopped the kissing and cuddling with her in attempts to just be friends, but she hasnt really respected it and i feel so pulled in by her. She got close to one of my friends and this friend at some point told me I was wasting my time. She eventually found out what this friend told me and didnt say much. She just kept saying you and I are going to end up together in the future and kept saying that she is eventually going to be my wife someday.
    This has been going on for about 6 months and honestly, when I sat down and thought about it I am not ready to be in a relationship, especially with her. Seems like everytime I convince myself of this she starts dropping hints.
    The worst part is, she knows she has me wrapped around her finger. She knows I will drop what I am doing to help her or hang with her and she has also done the same for me. but my gut continues to tell me shes playing me. shes about 3 years younger than me and I keep telling myself this is an immaturity thing and that she'll eventually grow out of it, but I am not going to wait for her. I feel like Id be wasting my time because at this point she just likes the attention I give her. Like I said, earlier her and I have these amazing times when we're together but at the end of the night I just end up feeling cheap and used. Not in a literal sense....we're great about taking turns paying for dates.
    Her personality to me is just a huge red flag that she isnt interested. She'll randomly call me and just start asking me to tell her how pretty she is and if I dont answer her calls she gets super angry. She has told me several times she has every right to date around because we are not anything but how at the end of it she thinks of me.

    I really really want to stop talking to her. She doesnt make me feel good and i am good to her. I am really good to her and I feel like shes good to me half the time. She always writes it off like, this is how I am...."I am used to getting my way" TOTAL turn off. But, she always finds a way to draw me back in. She says I have a good heart and deserve the best but I dont know how to take comments like these. Im not in love with her and could see myself moving on rather quickly because I want to trust my gut, and I have a pretty intense program coming up, but I dont know how to stop talking to her without making her feel like crap or making it obvious Im trying to get away from her. Maybe If i wasnt so involved with school I would totally try and win her over but she seems like a waste of time and again, there are some parts of her personality that make her just another dumb girl who just loves attention. (again no offense to anyone) I am a hopeless romantic who has only been in love once. but When I love.....I truly love. and I feel like this girl will hurt me if I allow myself anymore feelings.
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Trust your instincts, Rachel and steer clear. She is trouble and if she is several years younger, make sure she is not jail bait. She is latching onto you because she doesn't usually get attention of a good person like you. She will go as far as getting you and then once she does you will gather dust on her trophy shelf and ignored.

    There are good, exciting women in college, spend your time there and socialize. She may remind you of a time in your life when things were simple and familiar. But move on up to your age group, you are ready for it. :)
  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    Narcissists (your word) like having their egos fed. Why would she be different? The friendship you have is on her terms without any regarding for your feelings or your dignity. When you retreat, you only become more of a challenge to her ...and it doesn't seem like she's taking "NO" for an answer. This has to potential of turning into way more drama than it already is -- she could turn friends against you, thwart any real dating possibilities, etc. Winning her over isn't an option either -- she's not going to change for you.

    Here's the thing...anytime that I've had red flags about someone, I've always been right in the end. I might not have known it at the time, but when I didn't listen to that gut feeling...I always, always got burned.

    Trust yourself. Figure out a way to keep her at a distance.
    Kourtney, rainydaze and greylin like this.
  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Run and don't look back. Then run some more. And run a little bit further, just for good measure.

    Yes, I am writing in a humorous way, but I am making a serious point and that point is - she is trouble, get away from her and stay away.

    Many times girls who are 'trouble' behavior in a pattern. It can be hard to see the whole pattern unless 1) you waste a bunch of time getting burned and picking up the pieces 2) you talk to wiser old dykes who took option #1 and now are imparting you with their hard earned wisdom.

    The pattern of her behavior is - narcissistic people can be very good at doing whatever works to draw people in. This definitely includes being very charming, making the other person feel very special, pretending to share a unique intimacy, pretending like your relationship is very special and important, being the life of the party, lavishing people with compliments or special treats and gifts, etc...

    So let's break down some of her behavior.
    If she is narcissistic, she is narcissistic. That is not you speaking badly of her, that is you being realistic and face the truth. It is hard to be in a relationship with someone self centered - it is always about them, until you are left totally drained.

    No, people do not usually 'grow out' of their personalities. There are many immature people who are not self centered, manipulative and narcissistic. Your profile says you are 28, which makes her 24 or 5, if I understand correctly. I doubt her personality will change much.

    That is not uncommon with people who are narcissistic - being extroverted and charming is usually part of the package. This can be fine if you have a superficial relationship and can take the good without the bad (my friend S is narcissistic and the life of the party. He is fun to see at a party, but boy do I pity his bf).

    Not surprising. She likes attention, it is unlikely that any one person can satisfy her need for attention.

    Yup, there it is. She has multiple irons in the fire. Honestly, she probably is flirting / dating / hooking up multiple guys and girls. Likely she told you about this guy in particular to try and get some kind of reaction out of you. I think your even handed / not freaking out jealous reaction spoiled her plan.

    That is not another side to her, that is part of being narcissistic. People can (and do) use false intimacy to draw other people in. This intimacy doesn't sound like it is real to me, because it doesn't sound like it is coming from a place of any real depth. If she really respected you deeply, she wouldn't be banging guys and telling you about it, playing you for attention, putting down other girls you date, etc...

    Run and don't look back. Then run some more. And run a little bit further, just for good measure.

    Who is she really? Why would you contemplate getting involved with someone when you don't even know who they really are (because they are putting on an act all the time). Jesus, Mary, Joseph AND the donkey, that is scary.

    Run and don't look back. Then run some more. And run a little bit further, just for good measure. If she was serious about having a relationship with you, she would be serious in her actions - like not flirting with a bunch of guys, not being such and attention seeker, etc... She is trying to use grandiose words to cover for her lack of actions.

    That is not healthy, stop it.

    In summary: Run and don't look back. Then run some more. And run a little bit further, just for good measure.

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