Trouble in Paradise

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Niik, Aug 26, 2015.

  1. Niik

    Niik New Member

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    Hello ladies. I'm not sure if anything related has previously been posted but I would really appreciate your thoughts on my following problem(s). Yes, it's about a (stunning) woman. And yes, she's straight (bet you saw that coming too). We met at work and have been in a relationship for the past 18 months. She denies this, but she was the one who did the chasing since I wasn't even looking for anyone or anything.

    Generally our relationship is good. She's loyal, challenges me, makes me laugh and believes in my abilities. The thing is, the problem lies in what would make our relationship "even better than good". I'll break it down:

    1.) She is not very affectionate. I have to beg for kisses and if I'm lucky I get a peck on the lips or she offers me her cheek. I think the last time we had a passionate kiss was probably in the first 6 months of our relationship somewhere. I have better luck finding her kisses in Narnia. She likes cuddles but only if she wants it. I seem to be an inconvenience if I throw myself at her or initiate a cuddle. For example, she's in bed reading and I snuggle up to her and she says "you're so needy" or "I just want to finish reading my book". I usually get blocked off unless she wants to hug.

    If we're in public and I simply reach for her elbow, she pulls away from me and playfully boxes me before walking off. I offer her my hand to hold but she ignores it or just holds onto my arm. Any indication that we're a couple is eliminated. What confuses me though is that sometimes she does hold my hand (for a while) and doesn't seem to care about what others think. Or when she gets tipsy and dances against me like I'm some handsome stallion. However, it still feels like she can't accept being in a relationship with me. Once, she was on the phone to an advisor and she wanted me to deal with it so she said to him "I'll just pass you on to my... Room mate". I challenged her after the call and all she could say was "sorry".

    At the beginning of our relationship she said she liked romance in a relationship and that affection was important to her. A few months later she deprives me and has been since, stating that she's not the affectionate type. WTH?!

    2.) Speaking of affection, you can imagine the intimate dilemma I'm faced with. From the very beginning the sex was a problem. She always always always stopped me from "performing" stating that she was "really shy" but otherwise saying how she isn't timid. For labia's sake, why is it difficult to make love? I certainly felt like I was incompetent and rejected at the same time. In the past year she hasn't allowed me to touch her and when I ask either in a joking or serious manner about sex she is either tired or too stressed out. These days I just get the evil look when I enquire. Oh, she's touched me once in the past year during which time I wasn't allowed to touch her.

    3.) The "I love you" situation. I'm usually the one who says it first and give it meaning in my voice. She just says it playfully and whilst staring at her phone all the time. I'm no sucker for romantic hoo-ha and it's difficult to explain, but it's like she doesn't mean it. I'm not sure she's even in love with me anymore. Which brings me to the next issue.

    4.) Passion. There is no passion. I have a fire in me that's bursting to get out but she puts a damp on it. No passionate kiss, no passionate sex, no passionate little moments that make your heart melt. The only passion I get is the passion fruit in my fridge. This one sided passion is killing me, especially since I still see the world in her eyes...

    5.) Communication. Okay, so all she does is complain about family, work, how stressed she is, how she wants to do things in her life but isn't, wanting to go on holiday but having no money (she kinda spends her money on stuff she doesn't need) etc etc etc. Lately she hasn't been that bad actually and our general conversations are alright.

    She spends A LOT of her time on her phone. It doesn't matter what we do she's always on that thing. I take her out to dinner and she's on her phone chatting to someone else whilst I sit there sipping on my drink. I come home from work and she's lying in bed browsing for things to buy. She does talk a lot to a male friend which I wasn't happy about. Not because he's a male but because the time we have together she would rather spend talking to someone else.

    Just to conclude, I do love this woman. She fulfils me in some aspects but the major ones she's failing me on. I've tried my best but noticed I've succumbed to it and am doing nothing to change it. I can't change her. But I can't let her go either. This is not how I imagine a happy and healthy relationship to be like.

    Thanks in advance
     
    #1
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Forgive me for being blunt, but you're being entirely delusional. If this is your idea of "paradise" where there's trouble? If this is your definition of a good relationship (and you said this in your own words), then I feel badly for you.

    The fact of the matter is that you're in a relationship -- she isn't. To her, you are merely a roommate. A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet -- and her actions entirely indicate that she's just not into you in a romantic way. You're a place holder 'til something better comes along. Or, maybe she's afraid to be alone and right now you're her best option. Oh..and she's straight and denies being in a relationship with you. If that's the case then she's incapable of giving you what you need out of a relationship. She doesn't tell you she loves you; she doesn't initiate kissing; you don't have sex; she spends her free time talking to everyone else BUT you. Um...yeah, you've got yourself a glorified roommate.

    Yet, you're so deluded that you accept this really poor behavior on her part. Where the hell is your own self esteem to demand an actual relationship from your supposed relationship? If this if fulfilling, then you've got your bar set way low.

    Perhaps you need to look at yourself and determine why you're willing to accept so little from someone who's supposed to be the most important person in your life. The problem isn't her -- it's you. You're allowing her to use you (for whatever reasons, maybe it's money or a place to live but it certainly isn't sex or romance). You will NEVER be fulfilled by someone who is clearly NOT on the same page as you.
     
    #2
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    She is straight. You don't have a relationship, you have a straight roommate who occasionally makes out with you when you gals are drunk.

    No 'I love yous,' no sex, no touching her, no affection, no aknowledging you as the gf.

    What is this? Why did you move in so quickly? Why have you put up with this for so long?

    She is not going to come out for you. She is not going to start wanting sex with you. She is not going to get more affectionate or romantic with you. And she doesn't want to be your gf.

    She wants what you have now. Some kind of bizzare roommate thing where occasionally maybe you kiss a little.

    If that is what you want, then stay. But if you want more from your life- dump her and move on. Find a nice, cute, gay girl who actually does want kisses, sex and to have you as a gf.

    Why have you put up with this for so long?
     
    #3
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  4. Niik

    Niik New Member

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    Thank you for the brutal truth. You have brought something to my attention: "the problem isn't her -- it's you". You're right. It is me and I subconsciously know this but try to defy it as much as I can. My self-esteem is really low and that is probably why I let her get away with it. It just gets so hard to walk away when she does certain things, like the way she gives me a hug when she returns from work, or places her head on my shoulder as she reads, the hand that touches my back when she passes. I know she lacks in affection generally but I suppose I place too much importance on these little things.

    I know she's not using me for materialistic things, but the thought that I'm something stable until something better comes along has crossed my mind. I mean come on, we're meant to be crazy in love with a rising passion for one another.

    It's the letting go, the fear of losing her, that's trouble. I suppose the fear of losing myself has to outgrow this silliness.

    Thank you
     
    #4
  5. Niik

    Niik New Member

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    I don't know what I've gotten myself into. Honestly. She's the one who asked me to move in with her after 7 months. Was it too quick? Yes it was. It worried me but I still went ahead.

    I suppose I put up with it because I wanted, needed, her to love me the way I do. I can honestly say I haven't had any healthy and happy relationships in my time of dating. Neither have I witnessed this with my (divorced) parents so probably fail to see a good thing when it hits me. Or walks by.

    I realise she won't be giving me the things I want since she hasn't from the beginning. I appreciate your reply. Thank you
     
    #5
  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I am now going to play the therapy card...

    Therapy. Get therapy.

    I am not saying this in a mean way (I have had a lot of therapy myself, having a less than stellar childhood).

    But I am trying to be realistic. The issues you admit to having- low self esteem, not having healthy relationships, starving for affection- are way beyond what anyone can really help you with here.

    I mean yeah, we can point out that your "relationship" is out of whack, but I think that you knew that already.

    But deeper issues- like fear of abandonment, or not being able to assert yourself - take time to work on. I say this kindly, as someone who has a multi-volume journal all about accepting it's not my fault that my parents sucked. You don't just flip a switch and say 'oh yeah, I'm awesome and shouldn't settle!!' (Yeah! Ice cream and rainbows for everyone!!')

    Really what should happen is you and your whatever-she-is should have a talk. And it should go something like 'wtf are we and why did you ask me to move in here?' And you should have a list of things that you won't compromise on- like sex sometimes, affection, etc... whatever is really important to you. If you gals aren't on the same page, you move on, someone moves out.

    But you haven't done that. Why not? Because you are afraid of 'loosing her.' But you don't actually have her. She really is basically a roommate.

    Well, she is a roommate and a saftey blanket. You can tell yourself 'I have a gf and she loves me.' This helps calm your inner fears - that no one will love you, that you will always be alone, that a nice girl would never date someone like you.

    But keeping her around as a safety blanket just keeps you from facing your fears (and conquering them) and keeps you from actually having a gf who loves you and wants to hold you and have sex with you.

    So yeah- the therapy card. Get therapy. You don't actually have to settle.
     
    #6
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  7. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    Someone needs to slap you upside the head all the while yelling, "GIRL, SHE'S FUCKING STRAIGHT!"

    The real trouble is that you are imagining a relationship where none exists. What is she getting out of being with you? Are you payng the bills? Is she in school and depending on your support? There's a reason she's pretending to be interested in you and it's only benefiting her. I've known many a lesbian who pretended to like a guy while in school so he would support her. They usually don't have much intimacy in the relationship and leave as son as they reach their goal. Don't be a fool. Get out now because she's using you.
     
    #7
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  8. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

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    Hello niik

    I can feel the pain in your sharing

    I can but give my own experience
    I have just come out of a 4 yr relationship ... Some of what u have said about what u are not getting is very similar to how it was for me -
    Someone with holding love and passion is very painful when u love that person -
    And communication problems to add on top
    I tried to bring things to the table and talk but the person couldn't - wouldn't engage
    I was unhappy in that relationship ( and I can see now I was unhappy the whole time to varying degrees )
    I then started being the same the passion went the communication and lastly the love
    I ended the relationship last week and I feel happier than I've felt in years ! I've learnt a lot
    Mainly I've learnt that giving myself up and what I believe in is not right - in any situation !
    That we can't change or make anyone do what we want
    That honesty really is the best policy
    And ultimately that I do deserve to be in a relationship ( in the future no rush) that for fills me and both of us - that we can communicate and that the other person is able to be honest
    And that the passion is there - maintained - worked on and that we both want to be in love and are

    So what's going on with your gf ?
    Do u know ?
    What's going on for you ? When u say she is straight ?
     
    #8
  9. toastedpie

    toastedpie New Member

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    I agree with everyone here. Get out of this now! This isn't what someone does when they're in love with you....unless she is but has trouble truly accepting it as you mentioned she's straight. You need to sit her down and have a really serious talk. Let her know how you feel and if at the end she doesn't feel rhe same then you just end it there land work on yourself. You deserve better.
     
    #9
  10. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Your friendship is good. She's a person you like, who engages your better qualities and is fun to be around. That's what makes good friends worth having, and they are definitely positive qualities to look for (in a friend, and even in a roommate). But they do not a partner or paradise make.

    Your relationship is... fine. "Meh," perhaps. Your friends probably struggle with what to say about it that is both kind and honest. The Big Brother cam on your love life would change the channel; the only people watching are the queers going, "She's straight, honey! Don't get your heart broken." So I'll add my voice to that chorus. Every problem you describe can be boiled down to "She is not attracted to you (or to women" or "She is not ready to be consistently out and in a queer relationship." Girl doesn't want sex, affection, love, or closeness with you. She doesn't communicate about anything other than her day-to-day. She does want the easy support of a friend and roommate who is totally devoted to her; she does not want any of the things that come along with devotion. What would you say to a friend of yours in a relationship like this?

    You are not the first woman I've seen in this situation - living with a straight girl who does not want to have sex, be affectionate in public, or talk about love. (The last girlfriend used "honey, you know I have to take my sleeping pill at 9" as the reason they didn't have sex. No joke.) I'm gonna tell you what I told them: There are actual queer women out there who will be loyal, challenge you, and believe in you. They will also want to rip your clothes off and won't be able to stop telling you they love you. The difference between that and what you're living now will be day and night, and you won't even believe that you put yourself in this situation and described it as good - but to meet them, you need to recognize your current "paradise" for the limbo it is and find a way to move on and ask more from your partners.

    My wife stops dead at least once an hour to tell me how beautiful I am, and is so physically affectionate that in hot weather she still wants our toes to cuddle. We have a healthy, enthusiastically pursued sex life - which has stood up to emotional and physical challenges in our lives. We say goodbye every morning, usually with surprisingly sexy for just woke up kisses, and she puts love notes in my damn lunchbox. When we fight, which is rare, it ends with us talking about what went wrong and what we need next time. I am lucky, sure, but I also think that you get what you ask for in life, and I spent a LOT of time being single and saying no to bad offers or ending relationships that left me feeling unsupported before figuring out how to look for and pursue something better for me.

    All that to say: there is an actual paradise out there. This ain't it.
     
    #10
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  11. wkeeton

    wkeeton Member

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    I think you would feel less alone if you were actually alone than you do with her. Time to beat a hasty retreat.
     
    #11
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  12. Niik

    Niik New Member

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    So, here's an update:

    This faux relationship has officially come to an end. The relieve is immense. It's definitely time to retreat and focus on myself and work on my self-esteem. I can't believe I let this happen to me.

    It's true what everyone has said and I appreciate the straightforward and gentler approach I've received. Thank you :)
     
    #12
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  13. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

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    Niik
    I can relate - I am in the same position ' time to retreat and focus on myself and work on my self esteem '

    It takes courage to get out even when it is dysfunctional ...
    Many don't and so having gratitude to self that was able to :)
    And the relief - ah yes

    Winter to be me and just me - taking it easy and growing
     
    #13
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  14. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Can't really say you actually have a relationship to begin with her. So even if you fear losing her and the abandonment, you will actually gain by closing the door. I agree, you need to work on yourself and a therapist can assist in this way.
     
    #14

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