Tough breakup

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by SMD, Apr 2, 2018.

  1. SMD

    SMD Member

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    I don’t really know what I’m doing on here. I guess I just need some advice? Somewhere to vent?

    So I met a girl 2 years ago. Despite everything that has happened, I can safely say that the 2 years with her were some of my happiest! I wanted to marry this girl. I left my home and family a year ago to move in with her. I thought she was the one. I can genuinely say that she’s the first girl that I’ve actually fallen in love with! And she felt the same. Before me, she hadn’t experienced true love so she says.

    We’ve been through so much together. She suffers with depression and I have seen her at rock bottom, and held her hand all the way through it. And she’s been there for me when I’ve needed her. The love that I have for this girl, I can’t even put into words.

    But since December last year we started to drift apart. We started arguing a lot more. I felt so lonely and it got too much so I decided to move back home. We were going to try long distance to see how that went because we didn’t want to end it. We struggled! It was too hard so about a fortnight ago I suggested we go our seperate ways for a bit. But in the back of my head I kinda thought we’d find our way back to each other sooner rather than later, because we always do. I just thought some time apart will help us. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that!

    A day or two ago she rang me to discuss dropping some stuff off that she still had at her house. That was all fine. We then got chatting about us and that’s when she dropped the mother of all bombshells. She said that she’s already met someone new and that she’s felt more for this girl that she’s known for 12 days than she did for me in our 2 year relationship. I could literally feel my heart breaking as she said it.

    I don’t know if she’s trying to hurt me because I suggested going our seperate ways?! But she broke me. I still have feelings for this girl which makes it so much harder. But she’s adimant that she feels nothing for me.

    What do you guys think? Is she trying to hurt me? Get a reaction?

    I just need some answers/advice!

    Thanks in advance!
     
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  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    It could be that she's trying to hurt you; it could be that she's trying to get a reaction; or, it could be that she realized that because of your arguing that yours just wasn't the right relationship for her, period.

    Two years really isn't a long time to be together..and it's about when the honeymoon is over. If you're having a lot of problems this early into the relationship, well then, that's significant. I also view moving out and going to a long distance relationship as a step back rather than a step forward....

    You can guess a million reasons, but it doesn't change the fact that you chose to end it and she had ever right to move on thereafter. That you assumed you'd just find your way back to each other was kind of arrogant, yes?

    The bottom line: she claims she's in love with someone else....you have to take that at face value and you have to respect her decision.
     
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  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    That sucks, and I'm sorry.

    It doesn't matter why she said it. Maybe she is trying to hurt you; maybe she really believes it. Whichever it is, you don't want to be with someone who (a) tells lies to hurt you, or (b) believes she feels more for someone in 12 days than she did for you in two years. There is no explanation here that leads to "Let's get back together!"

    Breakups don't require consensus, and she doesn't need your permission to be permanently done. Your job is to hear what she is saying and to take care of yourself accordingly. Reach out to your friends and family, watch sad movies, take a kickboxing class, reread all your favorite books, whatever is going to help you heal.

    And - gotta say - if you moved out, I'm not surprised that it ended. If your vision of a secure long-term relationship includes living together and marriage and being there for each other through thick and thin - that is incompatible with "hey we need space to be successful together." There are lots of kinds of relationships, and some of them do involve living separately and having solo vacations and lots of space - I've got a friend whose most successful relationships have all been long distance, because she is just so independent - but that wasn't the thing you were going for here. You wanted her to miss you, and you wanted to miss her, so that you could get back to wanting to be together the way you had been and then... she didn't miss you. She didn't want it back.

    As Spygirl alludes to, the "honeymoon phase" - the "I wanna marry you, thick and thin, can't stand to be apart" part of love - well, it ends. And it ends... 6-18 months in, when your body stops pumping you full of ridiculous hormones that make you anxious and obsessive and lovesick and willing to do anything. Many relationships don't survive the transition to long-term bonding, in the absence of the "in love" kick; maybe what your ex feels for this new girl is that hormone rush, and it's fun and intense and world-changing and temporary. What matters is what you mutually build with this time, when another human is in intense and joyful focus for you, because it is always going to go away and whatever is left is the house your love will live in. The thing that you guys built does not fit you both; your ex does not want to live in that house forever.

    Take your relationship - which is over - as a gift. You felt something new and amazing for someone. You learned that you could love someone enough to plan a life with them. You learned what if felt like when things were no longer working, and you tried some things to repair the harm. You take out of this relationship a whole bunch of lessons, about yourself and yourself in partnership with another human, that you will build into future loves and friendships and relationships.

    Take care of yourself. It's going to be okay.
     
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  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    THIS ...someone should take and bottle this paragraph and sell it. A person should never be the source of your happiness...as that's found within first.
     
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  5. SMD

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    Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post Spygirl, I really appreciate it!

    I can appreciate if she came to realise that our relationship wasn’t for her, but why would she go out of her way to make that comment? If it is a case that she does love this new girl more than she ever loved me, then so be it. But she’s must have known that telling me this would cause me a world of hurt.

    I honestly thought that at the time moving out was the best thing to do because we were not getting on at all! We were growing apart. We were arguing. I panicked and thought that if it carried on that way then we would end up hating each other and that’s not what I wanted at all. So I thought moving out was the best thing to do, maybe that was the worst decision.

    I guess I was arrogant to think that we would find our way back to each other, but after everything we’d been through together, I thought we’d get through this also. Obviously I was wrong!
     
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  6. SMD

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    Again, thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my post!

    Yes, you are absolutely right! I shouldn’t want to be with someone like that but unfortunately I am still very much in love with her and I do still have feelings for her! I don’t know if I’m trying to convince myself that she still has feelings for me too and said it because she wanted a reaction. But it hurt nonetheless and I should want better for myself.

    Yes I thought that space would help us. Because we were heading towards turmoil and I didn’t want that. I honestly thought I wasn’t doing the right thing, but now I can see that maybe that was not the case. I just didn’t want us to end up hating each other. But clearly we weren’t strong enough to work through it anyway.

    Thank you so much for saying that! As much as it hurts at the moment, I know that I can take things from this relationship and apply them to future ones to avoid this happening again.

    I’m just a little sceptical about future relationships because if someone can say that I was their first true love and that they saw a future with me - only to turn around and say that actually that wasn’t the case and they’ve felt more for someone after a few weeks, then can we really trust what anyone says?
     
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  7. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Don't see at as lying. It's crazy hard, but try to see it as telling the truth in the best way she understands it.

    When she said, "you're my first true love," she meant it. It was the first time love had felt that way. She wasn't lying; it was real to her, then. It can still be part of how you understood your relationship and your feelings. When she says this now, she is also telling you the truth. That those truths are different doesn't mean she's lying, or was; it means that her understanding of what love feels like, what it can feel like, how she feels and wants to feel "true love," has changed. Feelings are not static and permanent, and if you're learning anything from this, you're learning that relationships and partnerships are about navigating changing feelings as much as they are built on steady ones.

    It's still a shitty thing to say, but assuming the absolutely most positive possible intent - she is trying, in her own messed-up way, to be honest with you. You don't need to figure out what to do about future relationships while you are still getting over this one, but you don't have to take this girl's poorly-expressed reason for being done as evidence that everyone lies, either.

    I also think that moving out was the right thing to do. You were hurting each other, and your relationship was ending. You hoped for a different outcome, but you took the path that preserved your respect for each other and gave you both space to figure out what you wanted next. That was a super brave thing to do, and many people hang kicking and screaming onto relationships that are ending until everyone involved is thoroughly done. I think your relationship would have ended in any case, and you shouldn't regret that choice.
     
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  8. AWhiskeyThing

    AWhiskeyThing Member

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    You have to remember that it is possible to have multiple loves and love each differently which could make it seem like you feel more. I spent 3 1/2 years with an ex and while she is my first love, my wife has traits that I didn't realize I was looking for so now I love her for connections I didn't have in the past, which could strike someone as me loving her more because there are more things about her to love. Relationships are work, and if you think a solution is to leave because the other option is to stick together and drift more, then maybe it's not one you can work through. You also need to remember that you left, so maybe she was hurt and trying to get back at you. In the end this relationship is clearly over, so it's time to take what you learned and move on. The next time you're in a relationship you'll be able to remember what actions escalated the fights and not repeat them.
     
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Ok, Imma call bullshit on this one.

    Your ex does not love new girl (ng) more than she loves you.

    You don’t love someone more in a few weeks than you do in years. She’s either a)saying that to hurt you b) has a wicked crush on ng and is confusing that with love c)both a and b.

    If she is just saying this to hurt you, well then, fuck her. You don’t need that kind of person in your life. Especially as you were supportive- moved to her city, helped her with her depression, etc...

    Sure, she’s probably angry and hurt over your break up. But that doesn’t justify being a bitch. She has some emotional issues she needs to sort the fuck out.

    In retrospect, do you see any of this in your fights? Like her need to lash out, always be right, etc??? Feeling threatened when you set healthy boundaries for yourself?

    If she is confusing love with lust - well statistics are she and this girl won’t last. Especially if ex has unrealistic expectations, mental health issues, jumped into something on the rebound, hasn’t learned from her last relationship.

    Which brings me to part 2. I have no idea if your relationship could have turned out differently. Maybe if you both were willing to change, had gotten good couples therapy and change had happened quickly enough. Those are all big ifs. Maybe in retrospect things could have been different, but a lot of things would have to happen for that to be the case.

    So don’t beat yourself up that you ruined things by separating/ moving.

    Things were already ruined when you got to the point that you had to move.

    Could you have tried a different approach? Like separating but having a framework to heal things? Sure. But there is no guarantee and no promise it would have worked. There’s also no promise you could have withstood it.

    You did what you had to do- you got out of a tough situation. You got yourself into a better situation. Given how ex is acting, you clearly made the right call.

    I say focus on yourself and move on. Think about red flags you missed with your ex, ways you could have handled fights differently, etc... Learn from this and move on. You sound like a caring and thoughtful person. I know this hurts, but there is someone out there that will appreciate a caring kind person like you.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 5, 2018
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  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think to experience something as exhilarating as love and being someone's first love and to have it come to such a final end will take away someone's sense of connection and security with love. She did say something very hurtful, it is hurtful to compare you with someone she is seeing right now. Even a minor comparison would have hurt. And the unfair thing was you were a couple living together, she is in this thing for like days. She had not paid bills, cleaned up, lived with this person.

    I know you want to hang on to the feeling that she still loves you, well, maybe she still has feelings but she has moved on. There is in a way that I will always have some fondness for my ex's when the dust has all settled. I think that is healthy and helps me build up happiness that I can take to another relationship. But it does not mean I would ever want to couple with them ever again, because it did not work and won't.

    I think breaking up with someone just shakes you and it is easy to feel a certain cynicism on love. The thing is, we are all fantastically flawed and when the initial bloom of romance gives way to daily life, we have to figure out how to translate that. Some gifts and lessons in life can be very sad. I know the pit you are in and I am so very familiar with it so I feel you. You will be happy again, and when you get through this, you will find the lessons learned and baggages tossed. Take some time to breathe when you are sad. You looked after yourself enough to have given her distance, you will be ok going forward.
     
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  11. SMD

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    Thank you so much for your kind words Bluenote, I really needed that! You’ve kind of mirrored what my friends and family have said! Like you said, they think that she’s doing it to get a reaction out of me.

    When she told me, I obviously put the phone down on her because I didn’t want to hear anymore and she just kept trying to ring me/text me/everything. But she couldn’t understand why I was hurting and didn’t think she’d done anything wrong.

    Thank you! She didn’t think that me moving to live with her was that big of a deal. Her family isn’t as close as mine, her mum lives abroad and her family live quite far from each other where as mine are very close! So it was a big deal for me!

    That’s what I don’t understand - why is she being so horrible about it? I thought I was doing the right thing and by doing what I did, we could salvage something.

    Yes, absolutely! I could always tell when she was off her medication because she’d lash out a lot more. I recognised the change in her moods etc. She’d always get aggressive in drink. But I stuck by her because I knew that it wasn’t her. It was her depression. If it is the case that she’s found someone new, that does make her happy then part of me is glad because I now know that she’s not going to do anything to hurt herself. She’s got someone who, hopefully, is going to look after her. I just wish that I was still that person. But I know I should want more for myself.

    I think it is a rebound. I mean we broke up two weeks before she told me about this new girl.

    We initially tried long distance but it was too hard.

    Yes I hope so. I have definitely seen a different side to her and it scares me. To think I could be with someone for 2 years and not see it. Maybe I did see it but was I was just blind.

    Thank you Bluenote, I really do appreciate your kind words. I need that right now.
     
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  12. SMD

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    Thank you greylin, you are very right! I need to take the lessons from this relationship and use them to work on future ones!

    Exactly! Can you really get to know someone properly in 12 days?? I’m still learning things about her after 2 years! Yes, I would never compare her to anyone else, because she was my first love and that is special. She’ll always have a place in my heart.

    I’m still in that place where if she turned around and said that she wanted to give it another go, then I’d probably give her the time of day. I just need to get out of that frame of mind because it’s not healthy.

    I will greylin, thank you again for taking the time to reply! You guys are really helping me through this so I really am thankful! It’s alwsys good to get an outsiders’ opinion as my family and friends are just going to tell me things to make me feel better because they don’t want to see me hurting.
     
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  13. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Why is she behaving this way?

    Obviously, I can't say for sure. But she seems immature and unempathetic, with a tendency to lash out. Empathetic people can put themselves in someone else's shoes. For example, they can understand how hard moving with her was for you. They can put that to use and make the move easier. Also, they can understand why people do/ feel things through more than just the lense of how it makes -them- feel. It's like the difference between feeling bummed that your bff got the lead in the play over you, but being mature and congratulating them, versus being a bitch and tearing them down.

    The empathetic, mature person can put their hurt aside to see the other person's pov. Right now she is all about her. Hurt things ended, happy about new girl, etc... She's not taking into account your feelings. Worse, she doesn't think she has to take your feelings into account.

    The way she is behaving is not part of depression. Depression doesn't make you immature and self centered. There are plenty of mature, thoughtful depressed people. Honestly, your ex sounds like an ass and it sounds like you fell into being a rescuer. I recommend you look at that pattern, so you don't repeat it. What things did you give her a pass on, because she's depressed? Did you (inadvertently) reward her bad behavior by giving her her way a lot?

    There's a good chance things with ng will flame out and she will turn to you for support. I hope that you don't let her take advantage of your kindness a second time. After all, you now know what kind of person she really is.

    Hang in there. I know it's tough, but you really deserve much better in the dating department.
     
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  14. SMD

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    Wow. I never really looked at it that way! But you have hit the nail on the head there because that’s exactly how she was! She just couldn’t see how hard the move was for me, and when I mentioned moving home, she got pissy at first! Like she made me feel like the bad guy.

    That’s what’s hurting the most. You are absolutely right, it feels like she isn’t taking my feelings into account. I know that I was the one that ended it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hurting me. It is hurting me. It wasn’t an easy decision to make. And now it’s 10x worse because of what she said about ng! She’s blaming me for the breakdown of our relationship and using that as an excuse to justify what she said.

    Yes, I did. Whenever she used to lash out, I’d always tell myself that it wasn’t her. I’m beginning to see that I shouldn’t have done that and I will definitely avoid making that mistake in future.

    I honestly hope that doesn’t happen because like I said before, I’d probably give her the time of day if she did reach out to me. I know, I am such a mug.

    Thank you Bluenote, I appreciate your advise! And everyone else that has taken the time to comment on my thread, you guys are amazing!
     
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  15. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Sometimes, the downfall of a relationship is all on one person. Say, if there was repeated cheating, domestic violence, etc...

    But a lot of times, the destruction of a relationship falls on both parties. Other times, it comes about from outside forces (financial issues, health problems, etc...) It seems pretty common that a combo of things- outside forces and how both people handle things all play a role.

    From what you describe, I can see that in your relationship. You moving from family and friends was one pressure. Her having depression was another. But how you both dealt with things played a role too. She didn't get- and didn't try to get- how hard the move was for you. She behaved badly at times, lashing out. You were a rescuer and gave her a pass on bad behavior.

    You moving back home didn't "end" your relationship. Your relationship was already broken, you just put a name to that brokenness by saying 'this is over.' It's like the difference between being a murderer and being the Doctor who declares- yup, this guy is dead, time of death is...

    Could you (SMD) have done things differently? Sure, you could have started day 1 with a plan to make your new town bearable. You could have prioritized visiting your family and tried to make a lot of friends in your new town. You could have refused to rescue her and refused to give her a pass on bad behavior.

    That doesn't mean your relationship would have worked out. In fact, calling her out on her shit may have ended things earlier. The only real difference would have been clarity. It would have been clearer that you were insisting on a healthy and equal relationship, but she wasn't willing to treat you well. Instead of leaving that dynamic unspoken, giving her a pass on her bullshit.

    I mean, you tried to make the relationship healthier, by trying to get her on board with how hard it was for you to move. She didn't care and didn't try to make things better for you. You finally couldn't take it anymore and left. So how is it all your fault that things didn't work?

    Unfortunately, that happens a lot with rescuing. The sick person doesn't have to face their own shit. They get less and less healthy, instead of getting better and more independent. Finally the rescuer can't give anymore and leaves. You sound like a caring person and she sounds selfish and mean. She drained you, then blamed you that you didn't have more to give.

    You can't change her. But hopefully you won't ever let anyone drain you like that again. You deserve much better, you really do.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 15, 2018
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  16. Blueeyedtiger

    Blueeyedtiger New Member

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    12 days seems way long enough to fall in love and make big decisions. What was I doing 12 days ago? Not falling in love!

    Thank you...

    Ok, Imma call bullshit on this one.

    Your ex does not love new girl (ng) more than she loves you.
     
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  17. SMD

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    Apologies for the delayed reply!

    I’ve been trying to keep myself distracted and already I’m in a much better place! Not 100% but I’m getting there! You lot have played a massive part in that with your advice and time so thank you!

    It was her birthday last week so I sent her a card because I would have felt guilty had I not done so. She text me on her birthday to say thank you. I tried not to engage too much so I said that I was always going to send her one and that was it.

    A few days later she rang me out of the blue. She kept asking me how I was and how I felt about us. I gave her the short answer. Told her that I haven’t been thinking about us and was taking time to do me.

    She said that she missed me. She didn’t miss our relationship but she missed me. She kept asking me if I had found someone. And then her new girlfriend walked in so I hung up. She kept ringing me all night afterwards but I kept ignoring it.

    It turns out the day she rang me, she was having a family get together for her birthday. So my question is, why ring me then? Why ring me when her new girl is around? Again, is she still trying to get a reaction out of me?

    I feel that getting over her is going to be prolonged and it’s going to be harder if she keeps doing this..
     
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  18. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    So glad you're doing better!

    You get to block her. And I think you should.

    Not forever, and not maliciously. But if she is calling you repeatedly when you have set a boundary/ended a conversation - she doesn't have your best interests at heart. You can send her a quick note to let her know that you would prefer a period of no contact, and then block her/unfollow her.

    Her questions sound really manipulative - perhaps not intentionally. Like her "12 days of love" comment, it seems really impulsive and self-centered. Does she feel guilty? Is her new relationship losing its first blush? Was her family confused about her behavior? Who cares! It's not about you, it's about her, and it is not going to help you move on.
     
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