totally confused!

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by Anon123, Jul 30, 2015.

  1. Anon123

    Anon123 New Member

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    i posted on this site a while ago on another forum - basically about a particular girl ive known the past year while studying abroad. to cut a long story short.. we started off as friends and i had no immediate attraction to her, but one night after she asked to kiss me (her exact words were 'this sounds gay but can i kiss you') at the time i didnt think anything of it and we just pecked.. but since that point something changed and my feelings for her really grew and there were so many occasions where it was really tense between us, but nothing ever happened more than flirting, touching and pecking on the lips all the time and we both slept around a lot. but since then we've both come home and ive only seen her three times in the past 6 months. the first time i felt like she was still really into it, whatever 'it' was, but the last time i saw her it became pretty clear that she was over it. i made a fool of myself when i saw her kissing a guy, and i think it was ridiculously obvious to both her and me how i felt and she comforted me, but still neither of us actually said what was going on and it feels a lot like the elephant in the room whenever we're together in a group or alone or just talking online. but now that im home i can't get her out of my head and its blindingly obvious to me how i feel about her and whenever i see her name come up on my phone it makes my day and whenever she mentions pulling some guy it ruins my day. she seems to be on some ridiculous spree of having sex with as many guys as she can and i can't tell if its genuine or if shes in denial and shes trying to prove her straightness by getting with so many guys. since i've come home i can't bring myself to sleep with guys either, even though i could be a bit of a slut if you like before i met her, now at the moment i don't particularly feel like i want to get with anybody. as pathetic as it sounds, it feels like i need to keep up with her in some way, maybe even to prove my own straightness or that im over her or something. either way, i can't stop thinking about her and everything reminds me of her but it's depressing me and i feel like i can't move on from it. nothing makes me happy at home anymore and my life feels boring now and the feeling of being stuck in a rut getting ready for my final year at uni doesn't help me get over her. im confused about my own sexuality too.. i know in myself that i love her, but i don't know what my feelings are towards men and also women. i've had strong feelings for guys too in the past and also another girl but i've never been with a woman sexually and i dont look at other women and feel an instant sexual attraction to them like i do with some men. i know that i shouldnt need to label myself.. but i know im not 100% straight and i hate the feeling that i have to hide my feelings or who i really am to the rest of the world by not coming out. but at the same time coming out isnt even an option. how i feel in my own head feels like a dream that can never or would never happen in real life. whatever i would come out as would really fuck up my life particularly due to my parents and family being pretty against gay people, or simply not understanding gay people like a lot of the world. the confusion is really taking over and i can't concentrate on work, university, family or friends because its the only thing occupying my mind
     
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  2. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    okay so...there seems to be a lot going on here. First, my reaction in the beginning of your story was "WOAH, stop sleeping around just because!" Just because she is being a whore (yes sorry, gonna throw that out there) doesn't mean you should too. Also, that sounds like a total turn off. Why are you interested in someone that wants to f**k every guy? Yuck. Also, you don't need to come out to your family and friends until you are ready. Straight people don't go around telling other straight people they're straight. Do it on your own time and relax, take it day by day. You're young, nows the time to experiment and learn more about yourself. So just go with it. I do think you really need to get over this girl and move on. If something were to come about with you two I think it would only be toxic- as you both are trying to find yourselves. I recommend you take some time for yourself and try meeting lesbians or bis and possibly go on dates or get to know them as friends. That will help you learn a lot. STOP SLEEPING AROUND. If you meet a cool girl then great, if you meet a cool guy, thats also great. Your family will come around- but just focus on yourself now.
     
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