Total 180, waning faith in humanity

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by commie423, Dec 23, 2014.

  1. commie423

    commie423 New Member

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    So, I met my ex-girlfriend while she was straight and married. We became friends and she confessed a crush on me. I respect other people's relationships so I would never do anything to encroach on them. However, the chemistry and electricity between us was hard to deny. She never physically cheated on her husband with me, although perhaps emotionally she did. She ends up leaving him. Now we live three hours away from each other, but decide that we will not see each other until she moves out and gets her own place. She does a few months later and we can finally be together. It was incredible. I was the first and only woman she's ever been with. We not only had earth shattering sex, but fell madly in love. It was cloud 9 for about 9 months and while the long distance sucked, we had an amazing time. Until we went away to a romantic bed and breakfast in Ithaca for her birthday, came home and she broke up with me 5 days later out of the blue. I was devastated. I never saw this coming! She was upset, told me she jumped from one serious relationship (a ten year marriage) to another serious relationship (me) and needed time to be herself. I was upset but kind of understood. She tried continue talking to me after the break up and I told her we couldn't talk, it was just too confusing and painful. Well, flash forward a few months, we are not speaking, a friend of mine informs me she's got a boyfriend. I am pissed. I reach out to her via email and she says is that she moved on and I need to do the same. Ok. Flash forward another month, these two are freaking married! Oh, and she's pregnant, although she was told by many doctors that she was unable to have kids. I am so hurt and betrayed and I don't understand how people can be so crazy. In less than a year you somehow retract your gayness, marry some random dude and get knocked up? And somehow I'm the bad guy for being hurt? How can people be so whacked? I have been trying like hell to get over this for a year, but every couple months I keep finding out more and more messed up stuff. How do I just let this go? Because obviously what's done is done and there's no going back. How do I not lose my faith that there are good people out there? Any help is appreciated.
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think it is a bit melodramatic to loose faith in humanity after one failed year-ish long relationship.

    1) Yes, there are good people out there.
    2) No, your ex is not one of them.
    3) You missed some red flags along the way.
    4) It's not good to dwell on her and keep replaying your relationship / her life in your head.
    5) You can learn to spot the red flags and move on.

    There's different kinda people in this world. The reliable rock, the drama queen, the psycho, the sweet loving partner, etc... You kinda have to learn to size people up and see 'is this someone I can count on? Or they perpetually in crisis or needy? Are they there for me when I need them?' etc...

    In your ex's case, she seems like one of those people who just needs drama and crisis in her life. So she creates it with bad choices - leaving her husband for you, jumping right into a relationship with you, jumping from you to quickly getting remarried and pregnant. She's created a series of unhealthy situations for herself there.

    But you missed some big red flags along the way. First off, she left her husband for you. Yeah, OK, it was "only" emotional cheating. But it was cheating. She quit investing in her marriage and started investing in you guys. That shoulda been a red flag there that she doesn't take commitment seriously. It's one thing to separate or divorce and start dating, it's quite another to be married and start dating.

    Then, she moved on from her husband to you very quickly. And got into a super intense thing with you. Big sign there, that she didn't take some time to mourn her marriage and get her feet back on the ground before hoping in with you.

    So it's not a real surprise that she wasn't very committed to you guys. After all, she wasn't very committed to her husband. So now she is remarried and God only knows how committed she is to that, or to the baby she is carrying. She probably makes a bunch of other questionable choices. But I don't think it's good for you to focus on that.

    Chalk it up that you dodged a bullet and move one.

    Yes, there are good people out there. No, you are unlikely to find them having emotional affairs while married.
     
    #2
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  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    When I lose faith in people, I like to turn to science.

    The first 6-18 months of a relationship are an emotional, physical, sexual high - and that's not a metaphor. Your body is so doped up on hormones that you will act legitimately crazy. Falling in love is FUN, for the same reason that getting drunk is fun - and it lasts a hell of a lot longer. Of course people get hooked on the high of falling in love.

    But it fades. Your body can't sustain it, and doesn't need to - after you've spent those 6-18 months bonding in a chemically induced pleasure haze, you transition to attachment, and long term affection, for the stability and security of those babies that evolution is planning on you having (psych!). The crazy hormones go away, replaced by other, lower level social signalling hormones (one of which, oxytocin, some scientists refer to as the "cuddle hormone) . If you're not bonded securely, or if you're a crazypants hooked on that high, you fall out of love.

    I think that your relationship was probably really intense and really good - for the 9 months that your ex was "falling in love" with you. But I think that she's one of those people hooked on the intensity and drama of the beginning of relationships, with the associated neurochemical roller coaster ride. With people like that, the good is so so good, and they do their best to sustain it - forbidden love, jumping into new relationships with both feet, grand declarations. And when that feeling is gone, they drop the relationship like a hot potato and move on to something new, that is going to give them what they crave. Her leaving a marriage for you - and getting involved so quickly after she dumped you - is a pretty strong sign that she's just after that feeling, again and again. I think she probably lost her with her first husband, and then freaked when she lost it with you again, and will probably freak when she loses it with her new husband - though the baby might help, since childbirth and breastfeeding are pretty serious oxytocin rushes, too. She may even have tried this "emotional cheating" BS with other people before you.

    The good news here is that just because her behavior makes sense doesn't mean that it's how everyone behaves; good relationships make the transition and last because their built on something deeper that lust and drama. Good relationships work because the people in them have spent their falling-in-love building a foundation of trust, communication, and love that sustains them even in the absence of hormone highs. You can spot these people because they want to take their time, because it's not all highs and lows (though in your case the distance probably excused a lot of highs and lows), because they are deeply interested in understanding and loving you at your best and at your worst. Your ex does not know how to do this (or did not want to do it with you). That sucks, but it is hardly a condemnation of every other person in the world - and her failure (or disinterest) should not stop you from learning how to turn falling in love into lasting love.

    She is, misguidedly, seeking what she believes she needs. The way she treated you shows you pretty clearly that she is not what you need - so take that as a gift, however cruelly packaged, and give yourself the space to heal the hurt. And while you're at it, put yourself to work literally rebuilding your brain and body and your broken heart: friends (oxytocin!) and exercise (dopamine!) will help you rewire your response and feel less as sea.

    Your faith in humanity will probably be a little restored, too.

    (And the "retracting her gayness" is a whole 'nother thing. Sounds like she was gay for a hot second, or okay with it for a hot second. Her discomfort with being out and with you could be another, alternate, theory to why the whole thing came crashing down.)
     
    #3
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