Too early to date again?

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by Yulia, Aug 11, 2016.

  1. Yulia

    Yulia Member

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    I broke up with my gf about a month and a half ago. It feels like longer ago - maybe because we didn't really see each other for the last three weeks of the relationship. It was about time and I felt relieved and surprisingly happy for days. Of course I've had worse days than that as the time passed but I never felt that sad about it. It was bound to happen. We've texted a bit since and I recently got to a place were I felt like I could be happy for her. That I wanted her to be happy and meet someone new. If it did happen, I might not feel that OK with it but something has definitely shifted in me.
    So my friends suggested I should go back on Tinder. I didn't feel like it. But after a little while I felt like I was ready. I don't really feel like I want a new relationship already. I guess I just wanna get myself out there and see what happens. I've been talking a lot to this girl - let's call her Julie. We've been texting everyday for about a week and we seem to have a lot in common. She asked to meet up for coffee next week and I agreed to go. I don't really have any expectations since I don't really know her.
    BUT then my ex started texting me (we've been texting on/off since the breakup - like, how are you and stuff. Sometimes she would tell me she miss me and I told her back, 'cause of course I do). She asked me if I'd ever thought about giving our relationship a second chance. I immediately felt sad and almost started crying. Earlier she had told me she missed me but thought that us breaking up was the right thing to do, so I thought she was moving on as well. I don't want her to be sad. After that she got kinda upset with me but she said sorry and we're talking again. Now I just feel kinda bad about going on a date with Julie. I also feel like it isn't fair to Julie if, let's say, she likes me. It's easy to think: well it's just a date - but you never know. We might like each other, right? And now I just feel like everything has changed. I shouldn't be dragging someone in to this, should I? And I realized that if it was the other way around I wouldn't like the way she texted with her ex. I'm just a bit overwhelmed by it all at the moment. I guess I've already kinda answered my own question but I'm just so confused. The fact that I now know that my ex gf wants me back, have made me think a lot about her lately. I can't help but think about what it would be like to be back together. I really do miss her and we had some good times. But I also know that I definitely don't wanna go down that road again. I've let her hurt me too many times and it would be doomed from the start. But still my mind keeps wandering.
    Should I just cancel on Julie? And should I tell her we should stop talking altogether? Should I just delete the app and lay low for a while? I just suddenly feel like such a douchebag and I don't want to be. Am I in over my head here? Did I get out there too fast?
     
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  2. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    It's early to date ONLY if you're not still in love with your ex and fro the post it seems like you are.
    However, since you know it's not likely to work out iwth your ex, go on the date with Julie-tell her you're exploring (not that directly) since she might be doing the same or, if nothing else-there could be a wonderful friendship waiting for the two of you. For now, don't talk to other people unless they text you first.
     
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  3. hum_dinger

    hum_dinger Well-Known Member

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    First of all, you broke with your ex for a reason. I have done this in the past. I've broken up with someone and then we tried again because I felt guilty for hurting her and I kept forgetting the reasons we broke up because I still cared for her and as soon as we decided to try again I realised what a bad decision it was. The problem is if you do the same, you risk hurting her all over again. You said initially after the break up you felt happy and relieved. That just proves you made the right decision. These feelings you are getting now about not wanting her to be sad are perfectly natural because you're obviously not a horrible person but don't confused it with love. You definitely wouldn't be looking elsewhere if you still loved your ex that much.

    I think you should meet up with 'Julie' and see where it goes. I think you should make it clear to her that you are fresh out of a relationship and you are still in contact with your ex but as friends and you want to take things slowly. I think that would be better than not telling her and then if things get serious with Julie you don't have to hide your phone every time your ex texts. However, if you don't think you can be friends with your ex without it effecting any future relationships then maybe it's a good idea to distance yourself from your ex. If you do meet up with Julie, I hope you have a fabulous time.
     
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  4. Yulia

    Yulia Member

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    Wauw, thanks. I actually expected you to tell me to cancel it. I discussed this with my sister too, and she told me to go as well.
    I think I am gonna go and then take it from there. See how I feel.
    I haven't really thought that much about my ex since we broke up and - I agree - everything points to our breakup being a good decision. There is no chance that I'm gonna get back together with her but I know that I've felt so confused about it all since she let me know that she wanted to try again. I suddenly think about her all the time and definitely miss her. I was very much in love with her and I still think I love her - but I also think that since I'm only feeling all of this now, that it is just because I miss her and I mistake that with still being in love with her. Feelings can be tricky. I just had this very clear feeling of where I was and started to feel like me again, and then that message just threw me completely of. I do think I'm gonna get off Tinder for a while after the date. I need to get over whatever has been opened up. I will try to be as open and honest with Julie as I can, and hopefully she won't judge. At least we don't know each other well enough for me to really hurt her.
    Thank you for the answers. I really appreciate it!
     
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