Tinder, meeting femmes, getting hurt

Discussion in 'Advice on Meeting Women' started by Kaste, Dec 3, 2014.

  1. Kaste

    Kaste Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2013
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Am I the only one constantly getting my heart broken by Tinder-dates?

    I'll already now apologize for the very long letter, but here it goes.

    First of all I must say I'm grateful for Tinder. I hate going to bars and my gaydar is lowsy. I mean I can point out ten butches a day, but I'm only attracted to super-feminine ladies. And apparently all of them are either straight women experimenting, or bisexuals, who aren't at all sure about what they want.

    I'm a very sensitive and intuitive person so I would say I generally feel when there's obvious chemistry and we're having a good time. Yet, it seems like after a date or two these ladies just disappear from my life, either by saying it just wouldn't work out, or nothing at all.

    Where can I find decent ladies?
     
    #1
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2014
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    You're on a hook up site, looking for a gf. You're going to get hurt.

    Go to an online site where people are looking to date, not just hook up.

    Red flag, that lady lived 1,000 km away. Red flag, she met you on a business trip. I'm guessing 50/50 she cheated with you.

    A lot of people feel guilty about having hook ups, being gay, cheating. So they lie, obscure, etc...

    Did she ever say she wanted to be your gf? Did she ever say she'd move for you, or try to figure out how to see you regularly?

    It sounds like no. You assumed those things from her actions.

    She groomed you, used you for sex and dumped you. Cold and no wonder you feel hurt.

    All you can do is learn from this. Develop a better BS detector. Ask questions and stick up for yourself. And don't hook up with:

    People traveling on business
    People who won't give you their home phone
    People who claim to be 'separated,' but not yet divorced.
    People living with their "exes."

    All signs of a cheat or a hook up.
     
    #2
    amy12, Spygirl, Kaste and 1 other person like this.
  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    There's no easy answer to that. There is no place where everyone is guaranteed looking for a relationship.

    There's places where they likely aren't - like hook up sites.

    Stick to online dating sites. Go to LGBT activities, gay bars, and places where there might be gay women - say certain concerts.

    If you like very femme women, try fine tuning your Gaydar. There may be more gay femmes around you than you realize.
     
    #3
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    1,504
    Likes Received:
    618
    Get to know your dating sites/apps. People go to certain sites/apps for certain things. If you're after random hook ups Tinder's the one, if you're looking for something with a bit more meaning and taking into the long term then look else where, for a place with bios and pics (plural) where you can message and then arrange a meet up when you're both ready and willing. Know what you're looking for when you go looking for it, know your deal breakers, know where you'd be willing to compromise etc. Forget this disaster, learn from your mistakes and move on.
     
    #4
    Moses and Bluenote like this.
  5. Kaste

    Kaste Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2013
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks to both I appreciate you answers. It's just not easy to finetune my gaydar. How do I do that? Start gazing into every attractive woman I see and see if they respond?

    Now about those dating sites - any preferences? I've tried OkCupid, PoF, Brenda, Qruiser, you name it. haven't found what I was looking for...
     
    #5
  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    No don't go creeper staring...

    Just go to gay events and watch the femme ones. How do they act and move? Is there a subtle difference in how they interact with other women.

    Sorry, I'm a dinosaur. I got married before dating sites were big, can't help you there. But I have heard many Tinder "horror stories."
     
    #6
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    1,504
    Likes Received:
    618
    I should add.

    I did internet dating a year ago, I found girls that I messaged and messaged me and then fell off the face of the planet, making me feel pretty shitty. I kept going, change sites a couple of times went on a couple of dates (one particularly bad one). Until, I started messaging this one girl and we emailed, I got brave and asked her to meet me we went on a coffee date which turned into spending the entire day together. We continued to date and have had some ups and down but we are still smiling (together).
     
    #7
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2014
    Moses and Bluenote like this.
  8. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    414
    Likes Received:
    382
    I don't think she was trying to be malicious.

    In my experience, people who are raised with certain views on life are often just confused. On one hand they've been told and conditioned on how to act towards situations, but on the other hand nature and their conscience will do what it wants.

    So she may have had the best intentions messaging you like crazy, telling you she wants to meet ect. ... But it's clear she has issues she has to deal with. Don't take it to heart; it has nothing to do with you.

    It's like watching an atheist tell the pope god isn't real. In some cases, at some point, you've just got to let them come to their on conclusion in life.

    Don't go chasing this woman across the country.

    .... As for my advice on meeting peeps off a dating site. Don't go meeting people expecting anything but friendship. If it's meant to be it'll happen. You don't want to be that desperate hopeless person who falls for every femme to send a message, do you? I say this because when I was young and naive I thought a lot like how your post sounds.... "Why can't I get a date? I've got so many messages, but no connections. I've got impeccable gaydar, but never the right ping for femme's." ...We blend. What did I do? I made friends with all the girls who messaged. I was honest and said "I'm not looking for random sex, I'm looking for gay friends, if friendship leads to more, grate!" I made a shit ton of new friends who were more then happy to introduce me to their gay friends... and eventually one of them introduced me to my lovely looks like the girl nextdoor femme fiancee.

    In short. Don't chase the woman, don't give up on the dating, but don't expect anything either. Maybe try plenty of fish or something different.
     
    #8
    Moses and Bluenote like this.
  9. NinaSanz

    NinaSanz Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2014
    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    9
    How about a huge sign around your neck , oh and add flashing lights too! You'll be sure to get noticed for sure! lol kidding kidding. How about wear some type of jewelry like a rainbow bracelet, or necklace. Something visible but not I'm your face (flashing lights). I know sometimes it's hard to approach women so maybe if you displayed some sort of symbol you might have them walking up,to you. Ooooor I could be wrong lol but doesn't hurt to try. It's worked for me.
     
    #9
  10. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    Tinder is a hook up site. By being on there you're conveying yourself in a particular way -- and I should add that I wouldn't be on Tinder expecting to find love. I wouldn't be looking on Tinder to find true love. And jeez...reading your post, I take it you NEVER met this woman in person. The woman clearly has issues that meeting you in reality was probably not her intentions.

    Not that I have suggestions (I met my better half online and we talked as friends without any intention of dating)-- but I would say this. Maybe you're trying too hard to find the love of your life when you should just be trying to meet people you like as friends -- then let things progress. If you're trying too hard -- (and don't take this the wrong way b/c I'm not talking about you in particular, but people in general), then you can often come across as desperate for a relationship. To me that's a major red flag that would make me stay away.

    Relax.
     
    #10
  11. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    I agree with what Spygirl says, with one difference. I do think it is a bit different meeting people, depending where you live in Finland.

    (Full disclosure, I've been to Finland and loved it there). But I also get that it's not the most densely populated place. If you're in Helsinki, there's lots of ways to meet people. If you're in a small town or rural area, it can feel like you'll never meet anyone.

    And yes, if you live in a smaller place, you'll have to make more effort to meet someone.

    But Spygirl's advice of just meeting people, expanding your social circle, not locking on to only dating is good advice, no matter where you live.

    I met my wife pretty randomly through friends. My sister met her gf at meditation class. My bf met her husband because he was a neighbor. A couple ladies on here met their gfs on dating sites. It can be very discouraging, but just keep trying.
     
    #11
  12. NinaSanz

    NinaSanz Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2014
    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    9
    Me thinks the moral of the story is to not try so hard. The greatest relationships happen naturally and are not forced together. It'll happen when the lesbian gods that be deem it appropriate.
     
    #12
    LilSnowflake likes this.
  13. NinaSanz

    NinaSanz Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2014
    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    9
    Ooh! On another note, don't take my "carefree lesbian banter" as someone who doesn't give a crap. I just try to be the sugar on the frosting of willy-nilly. I believe you will find some one wonderful when the time is right.
     
    #13
    Moses and Bluenote like this.
  14. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2014
    Messages:
    220
    Likes Received:
    64
    wait arnt tinder is only for hook ups??? and for straights?? O.O I didnt know it has sexual orientation option.... uhm how about wingmaam?? its an apps, welp I've never tried it myself but it seems better than tinder
     
    #14
  15. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2013
    Messages:
    938
    Likes Received:
    188
    When I was single, I would be very slow to give out my home phone. Not because I was up to no good cheating wise, but just because sometimes it takes a while to spot 'the crazy' and I wouldn't give out something like my home phone until I was full sure there was no crazy there.
     
    #15
    Just Me likes this.
  16. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    Were you sleeping with people you wouldn't give your home phone to, @Moses ?
     
    #16
  17. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2013
    Messages:
    938
    Likes Received:
    188
    Hook up means sex in America? Oh.Here it can mean that but unless explicitly stated it means meet up with/get together with/hang out with. I assumed you meant it in that context as OP hadn't had sex with the other woman. Soz
     
    #17
  18. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    Here it means casual sex or casual big time make out. There's a whole 'hook up culture,' lots of casual sex, among the young-uns these days.
     
    #18
    Spygirl likes this.
  19. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    "young-uns" ....aaaack. I feel old.
     
    #19
    Bluenote likes this.
  20. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2013
    Messages:
    938
    Likes Received:
    188
    Oh! Well I frequently wouldn't give my home phone for those kinda hook-ups. Hell, sometimes I didn't even give my name...
     
    #20
    Nancy likes this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice