Three Months In. Am I Crazy?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Katy Harrison, Apr 10, 2016.

  1. Katy Harrison

    Katy Harrison Member

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    Hey everyone,
    I'm happy to say that my girlfriend & I have been happily in a relationship now for three months. The only problem is, due to some rough relationship history in both our pasts I'm still scared about plenty. With us both being pretty independent (and having been single for a while) this is the first real grown up relationship I've ever had. This is sad since I'm now 30 years old but it SHOULD be a happy time! My only concern is that recently I found out that my girlfriend not only still have her dating profile on Match, she updated a picture recently. Now I'm guilty in that because I was curious, I reactivated mine just to see if her's was still up and found that she was recently on hers, with the updated profile, etc. Should I bring this up? Or is this normal?

    Bottom line I guess I'm looking for some validation and stuff like that scares me that she's insecure too. How can I properly handle this?
     
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  2. Katy Harrison

    Katy Harrison Member

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    To add we also haven't changed our relationship status on Facebook. I know this is UTTERLY ridiculous for me to be upset about but I have to be honest that I am a little.
     
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  3. Emm

    Emm Well-Known Member

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    The easiest solution here is to have a conversation with her about this stuff. If it's three months in and you can't have an actual adult conversation about how you feel... It's not going to get any better the longer you're with her.

    She's the only one here who can actually give you validation about the state of your relationship, we can only give you advice.
     
    #3
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I am confused. You are going slow because of past relationships hurt, but she is your first real relationship? Huh?

    @Emm is right. You need to talk to your gf. If / how sketchy her Match activities are depends on your relationship status. If you two have had the 'we are gf's, we are exclusive' conversation then yes, she is being sketchy. If you aren't exclusive, her activities are ok.

    No one updates dating profile pics 'just because.' She is either talking to other people or is thinking about talking to other people. Which isn't abnormal after 3 months, but is uncool if you have an exclusive agreement.
     
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  5. Katy Harrison

    Katy Harrison Member

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    What I meant was my first real same-sex relationship. And you're right, we need to talk. After I wrote this a conversation we had actually brought up that she wanted to talk because she felt things were going to fast. She said it wasn't an "ominous talk" and that she really enjoyed spending time with me, but yeah, we did have a talk and decided we were exclusive so I'm a little confused. She said I shouldn't worry. It must not be too intense as she doesn't feel the need to talk about it today however the idea of waiting until tomorrow night is a bit difficult. She said she just wants to be honest and open which is hard because she hates being vulnerable or disappointing people...i respected her wish and left it at that. i suppose i'll find out tomorrow..
     
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  6. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Food for thought: In an exclusive relationship, one should not be active on a dating website, period.

    A conversation is only as good as the honesty contained within it. Read between the lines...."moving too fast" could mean exactly that or it could be a nice way of saying "I'm just not really wanting to be exclusive with you"...and "really enjoying spending time with someone" could mean a bunch of different things...but it might not mean that she wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you any longer. Moreover, putting off a talk that is important to you and your relationship-- that seems odd.

    Listen to that little voice inside your head -- that you reactivated a dating profile just to check on your girlfriend speaks volumes here. You have a feeling that something isn't the way it should be, so don't discount that. If everything were perfect, you wouldn't have felt the need to check up on her.

    I've always said that if someone has to question whether a relationship is right, then it's probably not the right one.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 11, 2016
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  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Let's take a look at your response here.

    "And you're right, we need to talk. After I wrote this a conversation we had actually brought up that she wanted to talk because she felt things were going to fast. She said it wasn't an "ominous talk" and that she really enjoyed spending time with me, but yeah, we did have a talk and decided we were exclusive so I'm a little confused. She said I shouldn't worry. It must not be too intense as she doesn't feel the need to talk about it today however the idea of waiting until tomorrow night is a bit difficult. She said she just wants to be honest and open which is hard because she hates being vulnerable or disappointing people...i respected her wish and left it at that. i suppose i'll find out tomorrow..."

    OK, how many times did you say 'she wants / needs / feels?'
    How many times did you say 'I want / need / feel?'
    How many times did you say 'we need / want / feel?'

    Relationships need to be even. Sure, no relationship is exactly 50/50. And no relationship is perfectly static in time. but over time, the relationship needs to be somewhat balanced.

    This, this is not balanced. This is her needing and wanting a lot of things and you just going along because - well, I'm not sure why.

    What about you? What do you need and want? Why just go along with all this stuff she says?

    Sure, I get that you don't want to freak out on her and go all bunny boiler because she updated her Match profile. But you are well within your rights to push her 'no, this is important, I want to talk about it now. I thought we were exclusive, please explain.'

    Oh boo hoo.

    Seriously, that is a BS line, please do not fall for it. People love to justify their crap behavior because of some deep inner turmoil. "Vulnerability is hard." "I have been hurt before." "I put so much pressure on myself."

    Look, if it is too painful for her to be honest, she has no business being in a relationship of any kind. Whether she is not honest because of some horrible trauma, or she is not honest because she is just a selfish dick doesn't matter. In the end, she will lie to you and probably screw you over. If she has experienced trauma so profound that she can't be honest, then she probably isn't emotionally strong enough to date and really should be focusing on getting lots and lots of therapy.

    (note, I was severely physically and sexually abused as a child. I am not a dishonest dick, nor have I ever been one.)

    Can you imagine using that line in another setting?
    'I called in sick to work to moonlight at another job, then lied about it to the boss because I was emotionally hurt at my last job.'
    'Your Honor, I just lied under oath because last time I was in court, I felt really traumatized.'
    'Dear Mr. / Ms. IRS person, I faked my taxes while sending money into offshore accounts, because doing my 2011 taxes was so humiliating.'

    I could go on an equally scathing rant about vulnerability. Vulnerability is hard for everyone. Seriously, I have yet to meet a person who says 'hey, I just love sharing my most tender, painful guts with people!!' But guess what, vulnerability is part of having relationships. Not just romantic ones - but friend ones and relationships with family, coworkers, etc... If someone can't be at least somewhat vulnerable, they have no business being in a relationship. And just like with honesty, if her inability to be vulnerable comes from trauma, then she needs therapy, not bs excuses.

    Really, vulnerability is part of life. We are all vulnerable in some way or ways. We all deal with it. We all get hurt, we all try to keep living, even with the knowledge of our vulnerability / mortality.

    Quite frankly, for someone who is supposedly so vulnerable, she is doing a hell of a good job telling you what she wants and needs, telling you her sob story, telling you how much she likes you, etc...

    Again, can you imagine this in another setting?
    Can you imagine a Viking warrior being like 'I struggle with vulnerability because I have been hurt so.' No. The Viking warrior does not spin sob stories, he keeps that shit inside and just hops in his ship and goes pillaging his way across Ireland.

    Look, she is playing you. If she isn't ready for a relationship, then she isn't ready. But since you are exclusive, she owes you the courtesy of having the 'I think we should also see other people' talk - before dipping back into the online dating pool.

    And please do not fall for any future lines about vulnerability, honesty, how hard this all is for her, how she hates disappointing people, etc... Stop and think about her statements in other settings. Would this fly at work / to her mother / in court / coming from a Viking warrior, etc...?

    You actually sound like a sweet, considerate, caring person. Those are lovely qualities and someone will be lucky to have you as a gf. But it sounds too me like this girl is taking advantage of your nature.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 10, 2016
  8. Katy Harrison

    Katy Harrison Member

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    Oh my god thank you so much for your reply. This is why I come here, you have helped me so much. I didn't realize how much I was focusing on what was best for her, what felt right for her, how she feels. I have been guilty of this in the past and I just realized I'm doing it again..To update about what happened today, I ended up pushing the issue and since texting seems to be the main way she talks (I'm learning this now), I decided I'd still press the issue. It took her a while to respond which shows me that I think she has a problem with confronting issues & talking about things openly which is a horrible sign. I'm going to try and make sure we get this going and I tell her how I feel because if we can't even talk about the TINY things, how are we going to talk about the big ones that are sure to come along. Thank you again for your help and advice. It means a lot to me.
     
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  9. Katy Harrison

    Katy Harrison Member

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    We had a long talk and I'm a little more clear as to whats going on. Bottom line is I think she & I want different things and at this point it sounds like we almost would have to start all over from the beginning. There are things that had been bothering her that were small but since I wasn't aware of them, they snowballed. She felt invaded, like she didn't have her space anymore and seems to like the idea of "casually dating" more than what we currently are. This means more of going out together to places, dinner, etc instead of just being with her at the house (and staying over). It's a big overhaul that honestly I'm not sure I can do. In the beginning I tried to ensure I always asked if I ended up in that area & was thinking about staying over but she always said things like "You don't have to ask" and "of course it's fine". Now I feel like I am just a burden there and honestly don't want to be there at all at this point. I feel foolish & frustrated. In my mind it's too early in the game to have so much drama & anxiety. Am I wrong? Am I not seeing this correctly? Keep in mind I did NOT move in, I only have a toothbrush there & would stay maybe once or twice a week & then spend the weekend with her doing different things. She had gone for a week on vacation out of the country, left for a work trip & a few other travels so I don't feel we were together that often. Either way, it was apparently too much for her. I've been leaving her alone because I honestly don't know what to say that matches what I feel other than "If what you want is space, you can have all of it back". Is that wrong??
     
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  10. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I am guessing that your "deal breaker" is not so much that she wants more space, but that she kept telling you everything was fine, then threw you a big curve ball.

    You aren't a mind reader. It is no one's fault but her's that she didn't bring up these concerns earlier. If she just wanted to go out on dates and not 'move so fast' then she should have said so. If she just wanted to keep things casual, she didn't have to agree to 'hey, we are gfs now.'

    In the end, you have to do what feels right for you. If your gut tells you that this isn't going to work, you don't have to "go back to square one" with her and see if things can be fixed. For all you know, you could spend months 'dating' her, for her to suddenly say 'hey, I have been wanting way more sleepovers, why haven't we been doing more sleep overs?!'
     
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  11. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    See my post above again.

    She just doesn't want an exclusive relationship with you, particularly if she's reactivated her profile on a dating site. The way she's handling it though sounds to me like she wants some measure of you there --perhaps as a security blanket -- but she doesn't want the exclusivity with you. She's looking for something or someone that isn't you. It also seems like she's trying to let you down easily without just ripping the band aid off.

    The thing you have to tell yourself is this: you are NOT a consolation prize. Don't let her treat you like one.
     
    #11
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  12. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    What I see here is a woman who either (a) has no idea what she wants out of a relationship, or (b) is super conflict-avoidant to the point of creating unnecessary conflict. Possibly both.

    Twice now, your girlfriend has said one thing and then backpedaled/contradicted it, hard. First "Yes, we are exclusive" vs. "I'm not really looking for anything serious" and reestablishing the dating profile. Then "You never have to ask to come over!" vs "You're staying over too much, it's more than I want" (meaning you definitely should have asked and she should have given another answer, that was honest!). In both of these situations, you feel like you are doing something wrong because you transgressed a boundary or misunderstood the situation, when in reality she is being nonsensically unclear about what she wants. Being as kind as possible to her, it might be that she honestly doesn't know how to identify what she wants or how to ask for it, and she is going by some dating playbook that just doesn't work for her; it's still not your job to ride this rollercoaster of emotional confusion and accidental manipulation.

    I think that this woman is not going to be a good partner for you, even if you're okay with a casual/open relationship and fewer overnights, simply because she is a poor communicator and lacks the ability to tell you, clearly and honestly, what she wants/needs - and consistently makes that misunderstanding into some problem with your behavior or preferences. I think that she will keep pulling the rug out from under you, accidentally or on purpose, to keep her preferences and desires centered in the relationship, and is not really interested in accommodating you. And I think that you will be so nervous about giving her what she wants (via reading her mind, because she can't seem to tell you) that you will not have a whole lot of fun in this relationship - and three months is too early to face existential crises or majorly compromise your desires.

    The only reason you need to end a relationship is because you want to. Full stop. It does not need to be an airtight decision; this woman's behavior has made you feel unwelcome and unwanted in her house and her life, which sounds like a plenty good reason to stop seeing her. There are other women out there who will want the relationship you're looking for, who will show you off AND want to hide away with you, with whom the conversation about exclusivity will be exciting and affirming, and who you will not have to pester to have necessary, honest conversations about the state of your relationship. Keep looking for her!

    Your feelings are perfectly reasonable, and they are there to tell you things that might not be explicit or obvious yet. There are plenty of red flags here - drama and anxiety provoking ones - and you should trust yourself here.
     
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  13. Lauren_1989

    Lauren_1989 Active Member

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    If your girlfriend can't be honest with you after 3 months of (what you thought) was exclusive dating then there's obviously a problem. I could understand it if you'd been seeing each other for a few weeks and it was all a bit intense but after 3 months you should be in quite a comfortable place with each other. After a certain amount of time you remove the rose tinted glasses and see the person for who they are, maybe she is just finally seeing that you aren't as compatible as she first thought. Instead of just coming out and saying that she's making it out that it was something you've done, that you'd invaded her life without her permission. From what you say, that's not the case.

    It doesn't seem like she can be honest or upfront with you, she's still actively involved with Internet dating and what's worse, is that she deflects her issues on to you. It's YOUR fault that you thought you were exclusive, it's YOUR fault that she wants to go back to dating casually. To me, it seems like she may be trying to fizzle things out.

    At 30 years old, is that what you want? Start seeking the things that you want, don't people-please, don't accept that everything is on you.
     
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  14. Katy Harrison

    Katy Harrison Member

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    Well everyone thank you so much for your advice & help. I'm sad to say that we called it quits, which was the best thing that could have happened. It's unfortunate but I think it was definitely for the best..
     
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  15. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    Katy - I am sorry that things went this way for you. Break ups can be very sad. I glad that AE members were able to support and encourage you! You absolutely do deserve more than you were getting out of this relationship.
    Please come back and let us know how you are doing. Or any time you are needing more support!
     
    #15
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