Thoroughly Confused

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by laura56, Nov 13, 2013.

  1. laura56

    laura56 Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2013
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hey everyone,

    I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I recently unofficially dated this girl, we'll call her M, for about 2 and a half months. She is a few years older than me, but I feel like we are in the same place in our lives overall. M was really into me in the beginning, although she had just gotten out of a serious relationship, so she was trying to take things really slowly with me to make sure that I wasn't just a rebound. She has a lot of personal issues going on in her life right now and is trying to "get her life back on track" so-to-speak. We were both really excited about everything for the first month and a half or so until her life got more stressful (she lost her job due to budget cuts, her abusive ex started contacting her again, etc). She really started pulling away from me after all of this happened and at first I tried to just stay normal, but as the weeks went on, I started getting extremely insecure and started pulling away, as well.

    I talked with M a couple of weeks ago and she told me that she still wasn't sure if she could officially date me or not, that she would be "150% into this, but that the timing was just all off". I was always very supportive and sweet to her (the complete opposite of her ex) and was trying to give her as much space as she needed to figure things out. About a week ago, she called me and we were just having a normal conversation until she just casually asked me if it was bothering me how indecisive she was being and I (like an idiot) responded [in a light way] with, "you are driving me up the wall with it. I understand, but I like to know what is going on and so, yeah, you are driving me a little bit insane." We kept talking and I said something about how she had pulled away and how I had been pulling away, as well, but we just brushed over the topic. I was never completely open with her about the hesitations that I had about us because I was just raised to deal with things on my own, where she was more willing to point out everything that scared her about us, which was never anything that was too big a deal.

    Last week after our conversation, she texted me and asked me about how I felt about her pulling away. Again, like an idiot, I told her that I was having a hard time because I didn't know where we stood and that was making me apathetic to the whole situation. I got a long response back where she told me that she knows that she would regret not being with me, but that she is not emotionally where she thinks she should be after that long together, that she doesn't see it working out with me in that way. She said that she really, really wanted it to work out, but that she felt like there wasn't anything else that she could do but let me move on with my life. She said that she wanted to be friends with me, though, if I were interested in that. I felt like I bowed out gracefully, telling her that it was a relief to finally have an answer and that I'll always be here for her. I said that I would love to be friends with her, but that it would be hard for me at first because I am very attracted to her and think that she is a really great person. She told me that she is definitely still attracted to me and that I am beyond amazing. I mentioned that maybe after we worked out all of the issues in our personal lives and without the pressure of making a decision about a relationship, that maybe we would find that there was something there and that if not, we would be awesome friends. She responded with a definitely and a winky face and said that if nothing else, we would be great friends.

    Anyway, here is where I'm confused. I have heard from her every day since then. She has texted me (first) and just talked about random things. Mostly our conversations were very short lived, though. As the week went on, we had longer conversations over text. She texted me the other day and after a couple of texts back and forth, my phone stopped sending texts. So, I got a good morning text from her the next morning. I asked her if she'd ever gotten my texts and she said no, that she was afraid that I was just ignoring her. We texted for a long time until I had to go. I got a really long, random text from her later, though, telling me all about some interviews that she has set up for the week. Then she found out that my roommates and I have had a falling out. She tried calling me, but I couldn't answer, so we texted some. Then today, she texted me and called me. I answered today and we talked for about half an hour about our lives and about my roommate situation. She said that she was really glad that I was getting myself out and was making changes to my life. She was really upset about what they had done/said to me and she started to get really angry with them. She told me that she had to go, but would call me back later, but I wasn't around to talk. We ended up texting for a few hours, though. She keeps indicating that she'll be a part of my life and acting almost flirty with me, but it's hard to tell if it's flirty or friendly. I also told her that I am moving to the Northeast (on the other side of the country) in about 6 months and she keeps telling me not to bank on that because things happen in life and I need to be set up to stay, if need be, but she's being very vague about all of that.

    I have never remained friends with anyone that I've dated and she has remained friends with everyone that she's dated, so I'm really unsure about how this works? Like, is she still interested in me or is she just wanting to be my friend? It seems weird to me that you could just be friends with someone that you have a mutual attraction with. And it's also weird that I told her it would be hard for me to just be friends with her in the beginning because I still like her a lot, but yet she's still texting me every day and now we're even talking on the phone. With the exception of not seeing each other in person and not texting/talking as much, nothing really feels any different, except the stress of trying to decide to be in a relationship is gone.

    Any advice or thoughts you can give me would be great. My friends all say that this is unusual behavior and that she must still like me, but I don't want to get my hopes up and I don't want to overstep my boundaries with her and ruin any chances we do have at being friends. I really appreciate you taking the time to read this!!

    -L
     
    #1
  2. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2013
    Messages:
    938
    Likes Received:
    188
    hi :D
    Well I think you hit the nail on the head with the stress comment. I reckon she felt stressed and responsible for your well-being while she was 'making up her mind' about whether she wanted to be with you or not. She liked you, but there was a lot of other stuff going on. So perhaps, the pressure of worrying that she was messing you about somewhat prompted her decision to let you go. Now that she has, in word if not in deed, has enabled her to enjoy what you two have without the guilt that she might be moving too slowly for you.

    But as to where you go from here with that, gosh, I don't know...If I was in your shoes, I would feel that something was still going on romantically. Which could wreck my head slightly I guess, but if I wasn't in a hurry and it wasn't upsetting me or damaging me to live with the uncertainty, I might leave it play out for a bit...see where it goes. Maybe do a bit of mild flirting every now and again, but in a light, fun way and see how she responds to that.

    However, if you feel like you need more control or certainty than that, then...well, I guess I might withdraw a little with the texts/calls. Maybe even tell her that you need some time to adjust to the transition from potential relationship to friendship? If that's what you need, do it for sure. So I think, think of yourself in this situation. What do you need? What can you handle? Only you can answer those questions really. What you don't need is to have a hurtful or negative experience. If this 'friendship' will become that for you, then take steps to protect yourself.

    It's very hard to say as well if she still fancies you. Like If I was in your shoes, I would think that was the case. If I was behaving like ur girl, that would prob also be my motivation, but at the same time...people are different. She could think it was perfectly acceptable to break it off with you and then fall into a friendship immediately. Perhaps because she needs a friend at the moment or feels guilty for breaking it off with you, or because she like you as a friend. Do you get my point? It's very hard to know without asking her, and to do so will put her under pressure. So...have a look at ur own options and what you can handle and go from there.
     
    #2
  3. laura56

    laura56 Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2013
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thank you so much for your insight, Moses!! It's funny because a lot of the things that you said are things that she actually said to me at one point or another, especially about moving so slowly. She kept telling me that I would have to tell her if she was moving too slowly for me and that she was sorry for that.

    You're so right about everything. I've been going over both situations in my head, trying to make my mind up about what I do need. She has been calling and texting more the last couple of days, too. We talked for over an hour last night and I would be willing to bet that she calls me again tonight. I've tried very mild flirting and she laughs at it, which is what she did in the beginning of our relationship. When things started getting weird later on, she just stopped responding to my flirting altogether or changed the subject, and now it seems that she is almost flirting back with me. But, like I said, it's hard tell for sure, because I don't want to assume something else is going on.

    Thank you again so much for your response. You put into words my exact emotions and thoughts. I'm glad to know that I'm not crazy for thinking that she might still be interested!
     
    #3
  4. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2013
    Messages:
    938
    Likes Received:
    188
    Hi Laura,
    Thanks for ur kind words. I think what you are feeling about the situation is quite normal. I think anyone would doubt her intention that it is truly over in that situation. But of course, doubt is not certainty. Hence your struggle and confusion.

    It's interesting that she is once more charmed and amused by the flirtation. Based on everything, I feel that she is the sort of person that has a strong need to give people what they want, or likes to make people happy. That can also frustrate her, and she finds herself struggling to meet her own needs, because she measures the needs of others into her decision making process. I think she is at a place where she wants to put her own needs first. It doesn't mean that you are not on her 'needs' (double negative sorry :p). It does mean perhaps that she acted rashly or over-reacted a bit in her decision to break things off with you. This was prob based on her own frustration that your needs, as she perceived them, were clouding her decision making. Now that you are no longer entitled to have needs in her mind (i.e she broke it off with you, so from her perspective, you know where you stand),so she doesn't have to have that ambiguity in relation to how you feel. The good news is that she is able to see clearly (from her perspective) and still elected quite quickly to have you in her life. Soooo....where does that leave you?

    Bye the way, of course I'm completely theorizing based on the info you gave me and a bit of intuition, so if this doesn't fit, discard it.

    I think she is at a period of life where she is acting and reacting to events based on what she wants and who she wants to be, which leaves you on pretty shaky ground. She is probably experiencing a sense of freedom and reasserting/reestablishing her sense of self. Along with that comes some desire for security and perhaps a certain loneliness. So there is a bit of push/pull there and an uncertainty of self, based on these dual (slightly conflicting) desires.
    So again, where does that leave you? In your shoes, I would be hopeful, but I would also know I was taking a risk, and I would be kinda careful (if I could) with how involved/invested I got with this until I had a better idea of where I stood. It depends on how you feel really. If it is a fun, exciting thing. Ok. So far so good. If you have deeper feelings, then...well, then there is the potential that you could be left high and dry. Which would be OOOuchio.

    I kinda get the impression that you are willing to let things play out and see how it goes. If you are the type that will be philosophical and not angry if it goes belly up, well then...that's prob the best choice I'd reckon. If you are the type that will fall apart if it turns out that she just wants to be friends and is not interested, well...then maybe a few self-protection mechanisms in place now wouldn't hurt.

    Ramble, ramble, ramble...sorry. :D I'll shuddup now.
     
    #4
  5. laura56

    laura56 Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2013
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hey Moses,

    I'm sorry for the delay, but I really appreciate you taking the time to write me again! Like before, you are dead on about her and about me. She is definitely the kind of person who likes to make people happy and I do think that part of the reason why she broke it off with me was because of her decision making vs. my needs. You are good at reading people, especially since you're doing so over the internet! I am the type of person who will be philosophical; in fact, I have already changed so many things about my life since we broke up because of the lessons that she taught me, even in the short amount of time that we were together.

    Since I last wrote, I've seen her (she asked me to get lunch with her) and talked to her on the phone more. When I saw her and one time on the phone, she really opened up to me about the struggles that she was having with her ex when we were seeing each other, but she told me that she's completely over her ex now and that she hasn't been seeing or talking to anyone since me. Knowing how most lesbians work, though, that was a couple of weeks ago and she is probably talking to someone by now. I also saw her in the store and she met my sister. She was all nervous to meet my sister, but texted later and said that my sister is really attractive and that we all have really good genes.

    She called me last night and was really flirty and told me that we need to hang out again soon. We talked for over an hour until she fell asleep. I was out of cell service for about a week and when she called she said that she was so glad to get to talk to me. She got me to sign up for some computer game so that we could play against each other and we were joking and laughing the whole time we were on the phone. She took forever telling me goodnight and said that she would talk to me today.

    Stupid girl; every time I think I'm over her, she has to go and be all cute again. I want to tell her that I still like her, but I'm not sure how to. I'm afraid that if I do, I'll lose the friendship (or whatever) we have. I keep thinking about just dropping some subtle hints. Sometimes she just calls to tell me that she bought a new pair of pajama pants or that she actually cooked herself something for dinner (which never happens). It seems that if she were not interested or that if she were talking to someone else, she wouldn't be calling me for such random reasons, but maybe that's just me.

    I think you're right; I think it's best to just hold on and let things play out, as frustrating and confusing as that will be. Anyway, thanks again, Moses! And I'm sorry for the delay in responding to you; I really appreciate the time you've taken to write me! :D
     
    #5

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice