this mess just doesn't fit into any other cat...

Discussion in 'The Written Word' started by Tea-and-Biscuits, Aug 27, 2014.

  1. Tea-and-Biscuits

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    Everyone comes into your life for a reason…her reason I have yet to decipher so I’m writing it down to see if I can figure any of our shit out.

    We met at a fancy dress party, I was charming and a little tipsy… she was escaping from two relationships and collided with me with me, bringing chaos and drama along with her. I was single, enjoying life, recently moved to a new city and happy to befriend a fly. Chasing new experiences could have never prepared me for every one shared with her. She disappeared after the party and resurfaced on FB where she told me I should consider myself lucky to be chatted up by her. This is not go down well and we fought before I agreed to meet for a chat so that all could be explained.
    Lesson 1: she hates rejection of all descriptions. Rejection makes her try harder for you to like other or at least give her a chance.
    We went out, partied together, shared relationship scars and gradually she opened up to me about all her relationship problems. We became friends- long phone calls, supportive words, pinpointing bullshit and laughing. We spent a lot of time laughing.
    We went out one night, both got drunk, I walked her home and we kissed on her doorstep. A real Notting hill moment…which followed by a Houdini act. She disappeared and returned to tell me it was a mistake and wanted to be friends…she was still hung up on both “exes” and needed me in her life as her friend.

    Lesson 2: friend also translates as counsellor, advisor, moral supporter and problem solver.
    Lesson 3: she would deny this at all costs.


    We went back to being friends, supporting bumps in each other’s careers, going for tea instead of alcohol fuelled sessions. Safer and clearer. My best friend told me it was for the best and that her issues would ruin anything we started…and there was no way I could trust her could I…after all she hit on me whilst dating two other people…who didn’t know about each other until towards the end of both relationships, or maybe finding out about each other earmarked the beginning of the end for both relationships. Anyway I knew my friend was right and began going on dates, meeting people and putting a distance between us…or so I thought.

    The more ground I put between us, the more intense she became…calling 5, 6, 7 times just to say hello…even when I had a girlfriend. I told her to stop one night after she rang a lot and had nothing to say but hello and inappropriately propositioned me. We didn’t speak for a while and I told my girlfriend about the conversation who obviously not happy but was glad that I had put a stop to the conversation and didn’t reciprocate.

    Lesson 4: she propositions me only when someone else has rejected her…or at least that’s part of it.

    She apologised and we went back to talking about work, her love life, roommates and everything and anything else. My relationship and love life thereafter was off limits and boundaries were set and clear.
    Then she told me she was in a really good place…both exes had moved on and were seeing people and she was working hard on being a less shady person. I was proud of her, we were in a good space and it felt good.
    We went for tea before she went away on her summer travels and were having a good catch up. Her friend from her hometown had been to visit and she had wanted us to meet. We went for drinks and chatted to some mutual friends we both knew. We, she made some new friends that she left me talking to while she danced with other complete strangers. I was asked if she was gay or straight yet…when I answered I didn’t know, one girl nodded and said she could tell. Another said she thought we were friends but her friend had thought we were more. I thought about it, watching her dancing with complete strangers and felt a protectiveness and a feeling I couldn’t quite put my finger on until I answered the question posed about us and what we were. The words made sense…she is many things, a rollercoaster of drama and laughter but she’s my friend and she feels like a little sister to me. I want her to figure her shit out so that she can be happy. And I meant it, she’d been through a lot, and granted she had been shady at times and behaved badly she was trying harder and was really at point where she was struggling with her sexuality and beginning to come to terms with her singledom. I meant every word of how I described her and us and in truth was relieved that after two years I’d finally been able to label up what we were, what our connection meant to me.

    Lesson 5: she always likes me far more when drunk

    We danced, laughed and hugged because everyone needs a bear hug after lots and lots of alcohol. We had said goodbye to everyone and we were getting ready to leave when she decided she wanted to dance to one more song…the dance ended in a kiss and she asked me to take her home to mine. I asked if that’s what she wanted and she seemed adamant…so I walked her in the direction of mine-with no intention of bringing her home. We sat on a bench and I tried to talk to her, sober her up and ask why now, when we were in really good places did she want to come home to mine. I told her I didn’t want to ruin our friendship and that I knew she’d fucking run in the morning and our friendship would be ruined. I was mad, mad she’d put me in this position, mad that she was drunk enough to like me now but sober enough in the morning to run away…mad that either way I was losing a friend. She hugged me, kissed me again and promised no running and I for the first time in a long time didn’t believe a word out of her mouth…She told me the kiss was because she didn’t want to lose me, because she missed me being around and because she liked me…although she stumbled over the last bit…So I told her to ask me out, take me on a date and date me if she was serious. I knew it wouldn’t happen and I wanted to show her that she shouldn’t mess with our friendship when she has no intention of getting together.

    Lesson 6: she runs.

    Three days later no sign of the roadrunner, as expected, so I rang her…mad as hell again…for the second time in the week. Mad that our friendship wasn’t worth saving with an apology for her drunken actions. She was sheepish, apologetic and thankful that I hadn’t taken her home and that she hadn’t ruined our friendship by making a mistake like that. We left it at that, I had run out of expletives and questions.

    Lesson 7: she apologises with grand gestures.

    On arrival back from her travels I got a phonecall, was I free, could I leave work earlier, she had resents…sorry presents. She told me she had bought me edible souvenirs and fresh bread that she picked up in Belgium that I would need to eat in the next couple of days or risk it being very stale. She was forcing my hand, pushing to see me. I was short, admittedly very short with her on the phone and told her I’d she her soon but that I was very busy at work.

    Lesson 8: see lesson 1 about rejection.

    The phonecall: The phone call happened at midnight…after 6 missed calls. I rang back because I was worried something had happened to her. She was back in her hometown for the weekend and we hadn’t spoken in a few days. She wanted to know why I hadn’t answered the phone, where I was, what I was doing …she was drunk and fancied a chat. She put her dad on the phone and told me I need to meet him and that she would call me later and agreed to in the morning instead.
    The following day I got a txt apologising for the phone calls and the midnight chat. I asked why she called and that she had left me a five minute voicemail telling me about her evening, her brother and that she liked me, but we were friends and that was fine but she liked me and missed me. She was on a train at the time with her father’s partner and friend and told me to delete the message and that I should have turned my phone after when she kept ringing. I hung up on her, told her it would be best if we didn’t speak for a while. I txted her and told her I wanted her out of my life, that I had always respected the boundaries of our friendship, supported her through everything and in a short space of time, she had managed to blur the boundaries and I was done.

    She rang the next day to apologise and to say that that she would respect my decision. I told her I felt like I was losing more than a friendship and that I was pissed that she again liked me only when drunk. I called her a tease and a shit friend and asked what would have happened had I blurred the boundaries when she was struggling with her two relationships and during her break ups…to which she replied she wouldn’t be my friend now had I done that. I asked sober her to tell sober me what was going on. She told me she missed me and thought it was a good idea to ring me for a chat. The voicemail she apologised for, but told me the feelings she had were real and that while she couldn’t remember what she had said, she knew how she was feeling and that she doesn’t know what her feelings mean, but that she misses me when I’m not around, I make her laugh, she tells me things she can’t tell anyone else and she never feels worried about her sexuality when she’s around me. The voicemail never happened…I mean it did but she never talked about her feelings. I guess I bluffed her and it worked. I needed to know what was going on in her head and knew this would be the one opportunity I would have to get everything out of her. She apologised for everything and told me she preferred when I was in relationships because she knew I was off limits and it made it “safer” to be around me. She told me she was going to figure out how to be a better friend because she is afraid of losing me and would never want that that she spent the night before crying because she had hurt me. She’s gone on a trip to visit family but rang to say goodbye, promised to pick me up an edible souvenir and repeated that she was going to miss me.

    Lesson 9: I don’t have a fucking clue.

    I thought I understood and knew what she meant to me. I know there’s not a future between us, I know that shell end up married with babies in the near future; she’s pushing 33. My head’s screwed up. Also, while my girlfriend and I were on a break immediately before the kiss happened, we are now very much back together and I don’t know what to tell her. I’ve read all the self-help stuff, saying I shouldn’t be selfish and destroy our relationship. I love my girlfriend, she’s the one who makes me laugh, hugs me when I need one and gives me butterflies. She’s the one I want to marry, grow old with, the one who showed me what real love and partnership is. I push people away, I brush relationships off like they mean nothing; I can erase you from my life in minutes and feel little. I’m never crushed by a break up and often feel indifferent…except this time. I really really don’t want to break up with my girlfriend and while the break up hasn’t happened yet, it’s going to if I tell her all that’s happened lately. I can feel myself creating distance because this break up will possibly crush me…
    It’s also why I was so mad at the roadrunner because she’s jeopardised my relationship with my girlfriend and while she didn’t know that me and my girlfriend were trying again when she kissed me, she did know that we were together when she rang the other night.

    I’m a puddle of muddle over what to tell my girlfriend and what to say or do next with my friend so that we can move forward. Feel free to chip in, comment or laugh…I have, hysterically, at my stupidity while writing this.
     
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