This is me

Discussion in 'AfterEllen Community Forums' started by Kirby32, Jan 20, 2017.

  1. Kirby32

    Kirby32 New Member

    Joined:
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    I'm gay.

    Two words, two syllables. One life changing statement.

    I've only said those the o words out loud and to another person once.

    I sat on the edge of my seat, my knees bouncing nervously as tears formed in my eyes and my heart broke. I looked across the room at this person who loved me with their entire soul and being and I broke their world into tiny pieces.

    I have only said those words once, and I said them to my boyfriend of 12 years.

    It destroyed him. I destroyed him. The way I was destroyed him.

    For two days I watched him break apart and beg for the old me back. For two days I watched him fold into himself again and again and slowly disappear....but whilst I was burning with guilt and self loathing, I also felt lighter and for the first time in a long time.....I felt hope.

    But I extinguished that hope a week later when I succumbed to his pain and I stepped back into the closet.
    I couldn't bare to hurt him anymore and I had done that plenty.

    I had met a girl and we had quickly become friends, we connected in so many ways and one day she kissed me.
    In that moment, the earth quieted and slowed, giving me a chance to fall into step with everyone else. For the first time in my forever, everything made sense.
    I did the stupid thing and I had an affair. My body yearned for hers and I felt more alive than I ever had....because I was with another woman and not a man.

    But it had to end and I had to come clean, I wish I could say I was a better person but I'm not.
    I still think if her, still think of those times and I still yearn to date and fall in live with another woman....but I will beer do that, my lif is dedicated to making my (now) husband as happy as he can be, he deserves the world but all I can give is myself.

    I dunno if this makes sense to anyone. But I needed it to be seen, to be heard.

    I'm gay.

    But I cannot be.
     
    #1
  2. wflyin

    wflyin Member

    Joined:
    Dec 17, 2015
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    The closet is a painful and terrifying place to be. I hope you one day find the strength to throw open those doors and be happy and free, once again. Until then, I wish you peace and love.
     
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