This girl drives me nuts. Advice...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by thisissue, Mar 15, 2015.

  1. thisissue

    thisissue New Member

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    In a good and a bad way.

    This woman I am dating is going to school in Southern California, and I live in Northern California. We met at work, but she had to move away to SoCal for school. We are "dating" but have talked about NOT being official. She cannot put the effort into a real relationship, where she cannot put her 100%. School is a priority, which I will respect. But, when she comes up, and we are together we act like girlfriends, and talk about the future like we are girlfriends. Which can be confusing when I love her like we are girlfriends/partners. She says she loves me, and I say I love her. This is probably the 3rd time that we had to talk about reminding myself that we are not "official". Our relationship is definitely in the gray zone of in-between-ness that is bothersome for me...we are dating, but not together-together. She says I am free to date others (but I don't feel like it), and she says she doesn't have time for a relationship. I see her on the weekends, like every 2 weeks.

    She is a very attractive woman who gets hit on by guys a lot. She has a lot of guy "friends" who help her with favors...lending her textbooks...helping her print out things (she is largely technology-un-savvy). She sometimes says, "I might have to entertain his crush" in order for the guy to do things for her. She is not out at school. She says she is a very private person, and doesn't like talking about her relationship status to co-workers/friends/classmates. It irks me that she still exchanges numbers with guys. She says she feels bad for them when they ask, and doesn't say anything like she's involved, or no thank you.

    Last night, the green-eyed monster got to me, and I said I was jealous of this guy who is currently doing her favors at school. It's not a classmate. It's a former college employee. I asked if they set boundaries. I know some guys do favors for girls they like (and she is highly likable and highly attractive), and might expect something more. His intentions might not be just platonic. She says not to worry about her. She wouldn't do anything. I believe her...but I don't like the aspect of her "leading on" this guy to do things for her. I said I was jealous because of my insecurities of our relationship. I said, I feel like my jealousy stems from the fact that we haven't talked about being monogamous...which I haven't asked for since we are not officially "together", I feel like I don't have that right yet, since we are not "official"... She got insulted at me thinking she would do anything...it's "gross", etc. She said she got hurt by my thoughts of that. She says she is classy, not trashy...

    But, was it unreasonable to think this is weird? Is this normal? Would you tolerate your girl leading on and using some guy for favors? I told her I get hurt when you don't tell your friends, and suitors that you are dating someone....I feel unimportant...lesser than...hidden...a secret. But, then I second guess myself, and say to myself, we are not "official", I don't have the right to ask for that...

    Sometimes I think I should feel lucky that she goes "home" with me. Who cares if she uses some random guy for favors...

    Her ex had issues with her giving her number out, and giving these guys a false hint of a chance with her. I can sort of see what her ex saw. But, her ex was very controlling, and she couldn't take it and finally broke it off with her.

    She says why does it matter if they know she's dating or not. If she's gonna cheat or if someone really wants to pursue her they won't care if she's "dating" or not. But, part of me thinks it's bigger than that. The acknowledgement part that we are dating gives me security. And that is my thing...I can't control her...I can only control my feelings.

    She says maybe we should just be friends right now since I can't keep it straight in my head that we are not "official". She says, as soon as she graduates, we can be official. Graduation is about 1.5 years away...I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to lose her...when we were together before school, it was wonderful...
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Personally, I would 'break up' with her.

    Basically, you guys want different things. You want to be out about your relationship, to be commited, to be monogamous. She doesn't want any of those things.

    People who are very different can have good relationships. But they have to find common ground.

    You gals just don't seem to have any common ground relationship wise - you want totally different things.

    Right now you are settling for what she wants. This is not compromise. It's not healthy for you. Not everyone can cope with the gray areas and insecurity of a casual relationship. It's clearly hurting you.

    You can't change someone else. You can't make her want a serious relationship. You can't make her stop leading guys on.

    The only choice you have is to stay or go from the relationship. If it were me, I'd go.
     
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  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Jealousy happens be it in a monogamous relationship or not. Being in an "unofficial" relationship means yes you are jealous BUT if you get angry at her about it you have (technically) no leg to stand on. What you can say is something along the lines of "Even though we're not monogamous, it hurts my feelings when you..."

    However, you need to ask yourself some questions. You are in a LTR with someone who doesn't treat it as a monogamous relationship. When you are together you are coupley but when you're not she says you're free to date others (which you choose not to). So I ask are you willing to be treated like this for the next 18 months? Do you think after she finishes her studying she will settle down with you? It seems to me that she has many conflicting interests school, you, not being out, using people to get ahead. You already question whether her behaviour is reasonable, which suggests to me that you doubt it. To me it's incredibly immature to act this way, to flirt to get things she wants/needs. Whether she tells these people if she's dating or not is up to her, what you do about her behaviour is up to you. When you refer to how good it was, you talk of the relationship before school. Sadly for you she is studying for another 1.5 years so what you enjoyed about your relationship isn't in your future. You and she have different needs and wants right now. Will you be happy continuing on this relationship path? She is already suggesting that you should just be friends right now. You deserve to be happy.
     
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  4. jellohead

    jellohead Well-Known Member

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    She needs a man to click "print"? And why men? Could she be playing "college lesbian" then goes straight again? She's just not doing right by you and you seem to love her and want her but taking some classes is no reason to treat someone this way. If she has not introduced you to her parents as her girlfriend by now you may need to reality check yourself and realize that this isn't what you want and need it to be.

    But the heart wants what it wants so, like we all have, you'll hang on until the bitter end and then... you dream about the "what if" for the next 50 years and never forget her. All good hearted lesbians do.
     
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  5. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    How many years of school does she have left? Do you want to deal with this for that amount of time? Also, leading guys on and hiding your relationship should be concerning. Maybe she isn't doing anything wrong but if you asked her "are you doing anything you wouldn't want me to do?" then see what she says. If roles were reversed, would she be okay with your behavior? It sounds like you guys are in different places, so just be careful and make sure you put yourself first.
    If her ex had an issue with her behavior then this could be a bigger issue than you thought and she may need to figure that out on her own... once everyone keeps breaking up with her due to that reason. Who knows, maybe that ex wasn't as controlling as she makes her out to be... if you guys break up, she may tell people you were controlling and jealous...and one day she will have to wake up and realize it was her doing all along.
     
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  6. thisissue

    thisissue New Member

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    She is in nursing school. So it's intense. I know it. I've been through it. I have met her family...just none of her friends. She doesn't have that many gal friends. She's one of those with guy friends.
    And the whole not knowing how to print thing goes along with a school related account that deducts the $ amount that you use, that she hasn't been able to figure out and everything seems to print blanks. So she will wrangle some dude or admin person to print her things.
    I know jealousy makes more problems and mind games in your head. What irks me is when she says, "I might have to entertain his crush" to get something or whatever. She will flirt with the guy...I've seen it when we were negotiating on buying a car from Craigslist from this one dude. I knew what she was doing. But, I hated it, and bit my tongue at the time, because it probably helped get the price lower! I just hate the thought of a poor guy being led on to do stuff for her. I don't treat people like that. I don't like "using" people to my advantage. But, she is very, very attractive. She is so used to guys offering to do things for her. She has 1.5 more years left of school.
     
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  7. jellohead

    jellohead Well-Known Member

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    Ok, nursing school really is a bitch. I'll give her that much.
     
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  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Its even harder when you can't work a printer...
     
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  9. jellohead

    jellohead Well-Known Member

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    We need the psych nurse's opinion! Manipulative, secretive, uses people. I'm guessing borderline personality disorder or middle child syndrome?

    ** just a nursing joke-not dissing the gf.
     
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  10. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Not all Borderlines are dicks.

    (for the record, I'm not Borderline).
     
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  11. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I had to read this thread a couple times to let everything sink in before I could formulate a response. Honestly, if I were you I'd be uber concerned. Your *almost* but unofficial girlfriend is getting exactly what she needs and wants -- from everyone! She's using her *ahem* assets to get guys to do things for her without thought or regard to how that may make you feel. I then thought...if she's so open about the people she's using to get ahead, to print documents, to tie her shoes (I KID, I KID), then what makes your situation any different from anyone else? Could it be that she's using you to get the benefits of a relationship, the attention, the physical, the knowing someone is there for her, without actually having to be in a relationship?

    She has you right where she wants you WHEN she wants you. If she's leading guys on to do things for her, could she also be leading you on as well to get what she needs from a faux relationship with you? Maybe there's a reason why she doesn't like talking about her relationship status -- maybe she doesn't want people to know about you at all in her life. She gets more from people by appearing single -- and by not being in a relationship. No, what you're experiencing is definitely NOT normal.

    You're dating -- why would't she tell her friends -- hmmmm? Probably because she might be only dating you when you're there and other times, she's likely not acting like she could be dating at all. I also don't buy into the "I'm too busy with school for a relationship"...I think it's a cop out. If you like someone, you like someone...timing might never be ideal or perfect, but if the person is the right person for an actual relationship, you make things work. Hello..I worked full time and went to law school at night....still found time to date because it's what I wanted (and needed to balance out the huge big stressball that was my life).

    She's giving you every indication that you should move on. She's making excuses for not wanting to be with you in an "official" capacity now. And making it "official" after she graduates -- which is a LONG time from now..seems to me that it's merely her attempt at placating you...to get what she wants from you now while at the same time giving you a sliver of hope to keep you holding onto something that may never actually happen. She's getting all the benefit here, and frankly, you deserve someone who will treat you not as a "less than important" part of her life.
     
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  12. thisissue

    thisissue New Member

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    Well, I told her that I just wanted to make it less grayish, and more black and white, and just be friends for now. We can think about dating again after graduation considering our situations, etc. She knew she couldn't argue...she knows she cannot give me what I want right now. It's easier that she's down in SoCal, and I'm up in the Bay Area.

    I've also thought about how she might be "using" me, and how appearing "single" gets people to help her out more. It's definite that recently our relationship is more focused on her and going to school. She is getting what she wants, and I am not getting my needs met...

    But, she's coming to the Bay in the end of the month when her term ends...

    Lord, give me the strength to not give in to her!!!!
    Thanks for all your insight/opinions/etc...it really helps to hear what others think!
     
    #12
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