So where to begin. I'm 26 and I've known for about 5 years that I'm attracted to women...it's also taken me about 5 years to actually acknowledge them. Even now I've never even said the words out loud. I thought for a long time that I could ignore it and just carry on kissing boys, even though that requires me to be drunk and pretty much numb to what I'm doing. Luckily there's something in me that stops it going further, deep down I know that I really don't actually want it/them. I always thought that knowing you were gay was a black and white thing, either you are or your not. How wrong could I be! I honestly never realised that a human could struggle so much with something that essentially makes them who they are. How can something that is part of my soul, personality and actual being feel like it doesn't belong or make me feel so uncomfortable. Until recently I thought saying the words in my head meant that I didn't need to say them out loud. Turns out that's crap. Why should saying the words 'I'm gay' out loud make any difference? The conclusion I came to was that I wasn't truly accepting myself until I said it at loud. How can someone love me if I don't even like myself that much. I struggle with what label to put on myself, I feel like people expect a label or an explanation. At the same time I don't want to have to explain myself at all. The people I would struggle with would be my family, my mums a Christian and not at all in favour with being gay. I did tell her about 2 years ago that 'I liked girls as well as boys'. I thought that if she thought I still liked boys it wouldn't be such a let down for her. The reaction I got was 'oh dear'. I did get hug eventually but I guess it just put me off ever talking about it again. I also told most of my friends after a few drinks but its never really been mentioned since. I guess I just needed to get these words out my head, they've been driving me crazy. I've read some other coming out stories on here and I figured it would a place to start. The first step. A wise owl once told me you can't expect change if you're not willing to do something different. So here I am..doing something different.