The Whole "Asking Out a Closted Girl" Conundrum?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by pepperminttwist, Nov 25, 2014.

  1. pepperminttwist

    pepperminttwist New Member

    Nov 25, 2014
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    Hey, guys! Long time lurker, first time poster. Anywho, I'm not too sure if this better suited for the general advice forum, or this one, but considering it's regarding a possible girlfriend, probably this one.

    So, run down, I guess? I'm taking a course that sets post-high school grads up for jobs in either fire rescue, police, or emergency medical services. I started bonding with this other girl at my table (partially because we were two of three) and also because it turned out we were the two slowest runners in the class. The slow ones have to stick together, right?

    Well, turns out she was also gay. Which was awesome and works out well in my favour, because so am I!

    We were hanging out yesterday, waiting for her mom to pick her up, and I asked her out.

    This is where the problem comes up.

    The girl is of Hindi heritage, and so she hasn't come out to her family yet. She doesn't want to go behind her mom's (or the rest of her family's) back, and I don't blame her. I don't want her to do that. I told her to take her time and think about it. Is there anything I can do to take the pressure off of her? She keeps asking if I'm mad at her for taking her time even though I told her too (and I genuinely want her to.)
  2. amy12

    amy12 Member

    Feb 24, 2014
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    Honestly, I know what it is like to have the hots for someone who is still in the closet. The problem? I was out and proud. When I fully lunged out of the closet I promised myself I would NEVER go back in. We had been on a couple dates by the time she let me know that she wasn't out and it turned my stomach sour. I REALLY liked her, but it's impossible to date someone in the closet while you are out. It isn't healthy for her or for you! It sounds like she doesn't really want to pursue anything anyways because she isn't out to her family? You also sound young (forgive me if my assumption is wrong). I would say that you should try to move on and find someone to date who is out and wants to date you. It's hard, but it sounds like she needs to go though her own coming out process before she gets involved or starts feeling guilty for not getting involved with you. So, try to not put all your eggs in her basket. It's great that you told her to take her time, but if suggesting that she is "of Hindi Heritage" means that there is some sort of extra religious pressure she faces then it could take her a while before she is comfortable and secure enough to come out. It could be years? And there is nothing wrong with that, but you have to ask yourself if waiting is worth it.
    Bluenote likes this.
  3. Narley

    Narley Well-Known Member

    Nov 25, 2014
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    Hi, also a long time lurker, I have to agree with Amy12.... But I'm speaking from the prospective of the girl who was in the closet during a relationship. I come from a Christian background, my entire family is incredibly religious and so it took me 28years to come out to my folks. About a year before that I'd met a really sweet girl who was so understanding and wanting to date me despite my closeted situation. In hindsight I should never have let it happen. For one it put Way too much pressure on both of us. I had to lie almost constantly to my family about even small things and the lies just escalated. At the same time the relationship got more serious, to the stage that she wanted more but I couldn't give more as it would have been impossible to do so without outing myself and face being disowned. I actually think My whole plan of coming out to my folks was delayed rather than brought forward because of the relationship. Eventually after a year I actually broke up with her because I just couldn't face lying to my parents and family anymore which completely broke her heart. I took three months to get my heart and head back together and finally found the strength I needed to tell my parents everything.
    Moral of the story... Just Be a friend, don't get involved and let her come out when she's ready... If she's young... It really REALLY could take years. If a relationship is on the cards once all that's been done and dusted then great! You'll have such a strong bond because of it. And trust me you would have saved yourself a lot of heartache and confusion. On a happier note, after I had come out to my family (they took it amazingly well) I did eventually fix broken bridges with my ex and we'll be celebrating three years in August. She was always the right girl, our timing was just off.
    amy12 and Nancy like this.
  4. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

    May 8, 2014
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    My Gf feels the same way - she feels guilty about being not out to her parents even if I tell her repeatedly to take her time. But let me tell you now, it's not that easy. There are a lot of adjustments and growing up (especially on my part.) There are struggles but no deal-breakers. Well, ok, not yet. I have to remind myself that this is harder for her and I should be more patient. She is trying very hard though and there are things that just don't come easy for her.

    I think it's safe now to say I am in love with her. And yes, there are moments that I feel she feels the same way. She makes me happy and I think I make her happy which is more important. Knowing that, it's a lot easier to deal with difficult things. But I cannot tell you to go ahead and just let things sort itself out. What i can tell you is that it is not impossible and if you are both willing to take the chance then this may be the best thing that happened in your life. Because right now, she is the best thing in my life. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you need to ask yourself if you are really willing to go that road. And if you are, how far are you willing to go?

    For now, continue being supportive and keep reassuring her that things are ok between you two.
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    This is a cracking piece of advice and there really isn't a lot more I could add. It sounds to me like this girls needs a gay friend while she tries to balance the craziness that is family vs sexuality. What's needed now is understanding by the bucket load and crap load (technical terms in use here) of patience on your part. There's a long bumpy road ahead, good luck.
    amy12 and Bluenote like this.
  6. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

    Jul 26, 2013
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    This girl doesn't sound like she's ready to date. However, if you do find a girl who wants to date you and is still in the closet, just be respectful of that. Don't do anything that may out her like leave love notes or flowers where others will see them. Don't try to hold her hand or kiss her in publc. Whatever you do, don't pressure her to come out. Everyone's home life is different. You may have had an easier time coming out to your family than another woman would, so let her do it when it feels right to her. If she does come out while you're dating her, be there for her because there'll be drama. Understand that there's a responsibility to dating someone in the closet and ask yourself if you're up to it.
  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    It doesn't sound like she is ready to date. I think you'd be better off to just try and meet other gay available girls.

    I think when she was saying "Hindi Heritage," she was trying to spell out the situation for you. My experience is that different cultures also have different expectations of how individuals and families are supposed to behave. Like the whole big extended family lives together, you aren't supposed to marry outside of your religion, you are supposed to have kids and carry on the family name, and so on.

    Her coming out may be violating a lot of family beliefs - about religion, getting married, having kids, obeying her parents, etc... It may also feel like betrayal. Disobeying parents who have loved and protected her. Or becoming too 'Western,' and abandoning the families traditions.

    Coming out can also trigger blow back - being disowned, cut off financially, estranged from one's family - even from a whole community. Some people chose to never come out. Others wait until they are more stable - financially independent, live away from family, etc.. This can be even more complicated if family traditions don't have that model of 'growing up and moving away from home.' If someone is expected to live at home until they are married - it can be a big fight to move out and get that first apartment.

    Now, I don't know what her deal is. I'm just saying that it could be pretty complicated. If it's complicated, she needs time to work it through. And she may decide to never come out - that the sacrifices are too high.

    I think the only way you can defuse things with her is - to defuse them. Tell her you didn't know about her situation and you're sorry if you caught her off guard. That you understand things must be hard with her family and you don't want to feel pressure.

    Then make a decision - can you live with being her friend, or will it be too hard on you. If it'll be too hard, back off. If you think you can be her friend - than tell her that. "hey look, it's OK, I don't want to push you, I'm happy to just be friends."

    Oh, and congrats on the program. EMS does something really valuable. That's pretty cool.
    Nancy and Narley like this.
  8. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

    Jul 11, 2013
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    I suppose in the long term, this girl is going to want to have relationships with woman, which from what I gather is totally at odds with her Hindi heritage. So she is kinda in a difficult sitz and she prob knows the options r between sacrificing her own happiness for the sake of her family vs. choosing to live in a way that will make her happy at the expense of distancing/being cut out of her family. A pretty tricky headf**k for the poor girl to deal with. No wonder she needs some time to think. It's possible that she knows that this fork in the road was coming and perhaps she put off dealing with it until she met a potential gf. And now she has met a girl who she prob likes and it's crunch time.

    A bit more info please..?
    1. Do/are her family living near by? Does she have daily/regular contact with them/live with them even? Do her siblings know she is gay?
    2. How closeted is she? Do her friends know for example? What kinda friends does she have? Western/Hindi?
    How is she herself when she mentions being gay? Cool looking about it or shy/embarrassed/ashamed?
    3. Are the options as you know them that she comes out if she wants to date you or is there any room to maneuver there?
    Bluenote and Nancy like this.
  9. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

    Jul 23, 2013
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    Coming out to a family with such strong traditions and beliefs as a Hindu family is hard. I can see why she needs to take time. As far as taking the pressure off of her, all you can do is be her friend. Keep going with your friendship, she probably want things just to be okay.
    Bluenote likes this.

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