The thought of living together doesn't excite...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Pensive, Sep 1, 2014.

  1. Pensive

    Pensive Member

    Jun 4, 2014
    Likes Received:
    Hi all.

    I have some things that I would really like to get off my chest. If anyone has some advice during the process then that would be a huge bonus.

    My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years and have a very happy and functional relationship. I have been studying an hour and a half away from where she lives for the past 2 years. I spend 3 nights per week at her home and 4 nights a week in the city I study in. I will finish my PhD in May of next year and recently broached the subject of living together with partner. Her reaction is not exactly what I expected and resulted in us almost breaking up over it.

    She said that she couldn't imagine living with me, despite me spending almost half the week living with her already, and had never really given it much thought before. She said she finds it difficult to imagine the future with me, but added that she finds it difficult to imagine her future at all. After spending some time thinking about what she wanted, she decided that because the thought of living together didn't immediately excite her then it must mean that she doesn't want it.

    After a long chat and many tears, we eventually worked out that she is very scared that things might not work out and in order to avoid anyone getting hurt she had decided just to avoid getting in the situation in the first place. She reassured me that she loves me and agreed that when the time comes next year, we will give living together a go.

    When she said she couldn't imagine a future where we were living together, I was totally devastated. I am really afraid that her feelings are not strong enough to make this work. I had always thought we were great together, and have never had any huge problems, but if the thought of settling down with me doesn't excite her then will it really last long term? Can fear of heartache make you so afraid to 'put yourself out there' that it takes away your want to try and make it work?

    I feel like maybe I have forced her in to giving living together a go when perhaps she isn't ready. By the time we do give it a go we will have been together 4 years, so we haven't exactly rushed in to anything. Do I just go for it and hope her fear is unwarranted? Or do I back off and let her carry on living alone and us just seeing each other at weekends.
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Re: The thought of living together doesn't ex...

    I think backing off is a good idea, but this is not a deal breaker like you might imagine. You two are not on the same page to begin with and each person had made some assumptions over the years. This is the first you had talked about it so I would focus more on where your career would take you post PhD. Tell her that you can table this for later and that you love her and this is what you would want eventually. Tell her that you appreciate her being honest with you about her feelings and encourage her not to hold back. Because, you will need to describe what your vision is for the future and see if there is some compromise to be had over the next year.

    Something that jumps out at me is when you said, "functional relationship." I seldom hear that term used for a romantic situation.

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