The magical world of online dating

Discussion in 'Advice on Meeting Women' started by begemot, Dec 12, 2013.

  1. begemot

    begemot Active Member

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    So I've had an okcupid account for while, but never really used it until this fall, when I moved to a new city where I don't know anyone my age. I have chatted with a couple of really interesting girls through the site and met maybe 4 individual people in the last few months. What I have trouble with, though, is the pacing of it all. I find that the online thing is so different from going on a date with someone you have already met in person, in that, you are approaching it blind. I like to meet girls sooner rather than later because I find that it is easy to let good connections get lost in the ether if one is busy or bad at e-mailing promptly (like me). I've never had a negative experience. By the time I meet a girl in person, I've usually talked enough to know we will have stuff in common. There have been a couple girls who were really nice, but no mutual attraction and we never talked about meeting again. One girl I was very attracted to and she expressed interest in seeing me again, along with doing lots of classically flirty things, but said she liked to start as friends and see where things went. After seeing each other about 4 times, I expressed that I was interested in her and she said she really wanted to hang out with me, but didn't feel any sparks. She asked if we could hang out as friends and later decided to be single for a while.( when we met later as friends, she continued to flirt, so I suppose that was her personality). So that didn't work out, despite getting all the classic signals).

    Now, there is a girl whom I am attracted to, who I get along with, and who suggested meeting up again sooner rather than later to "hang out". We hung out for a second time yesterday and had a lot of fun and she suggested hanging out again after christmas, as her college is going on break soon and she is leaving town. She also mentioned I should text her. So far so good, right? But I didn't feel any blatant flirting from her end, so it is really hard for me to know how she is feeling, other than she wants to hang out again.

    At this point, my dating life has been lots of misses...one long relationship with a closeted girl who was scared of physical intimacy, one fairly functional relationship that only lasted3 months (we weren't compatible in the long term, but there were no hard feelings) and lots of...well...nothing. One night stands or dates where I got rejected despite feeling signs of flirting from the other girl. I get a lot of anxiety around dating, even though I am pretty confident in other facets of my life and often times I am just BAD at flirting or at deciphering when the other girl may be interested. I suppose I'm trying to be cautious wtih online dating from here on out and the lack of familiarity with protocol is what is really throwing me for a loop.

    In your opinions, what is a reasonable timeline for online dating? I see the first date as more of a "getting to know you" than anything else and for me personally it is hard to see if there are definite sparks of attraction til the second date. But at that point, I'm not really sure what to do. For example, at the end of the second meeting with recent girl (I will call her D), we both seemed to be having a good time, but we were a bit awkward. No kiss or anything (I'm not so confident at initiating because I have been rejected a lot lately). I don't really know what to do from here. I really want to see her again, but I don't know if she sees me as a friend, as a potential romantic interest, or what (do people even go on dating websites to meet friends? would they suggest hanging out again if their intention was just friendship without making it known). I'm just curious how your timelines work and whether you have met girlfriends online....Thanks for any advice you can offer.
     
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  2. MakeMeLaugh

    MakeMeLaugh Well-Known Member

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    When I did the online dating thing I basically just went with the flow. There were girls that I met once and couldn't wait to leave lol, others intrigued me and I met a couple of times. I also had the crazy girl who thought we were official after a couple of dates (YIKES!) Just have fun with it. If she asked you to text her during break that is a good sign because she wants to continue staying in touch with you and generally its a sign that someone is interested and doesn't want that interest to fade by disappearing for a while. Try flirting via text, it can be subtle. I mean I know you say you have been rejected, but why waste your time on someone who doesn't like you as you like them. It really spares you from developing stronger feelings for someone who is not going to reciprocate. If the kiss is awkward, go in for a hug and feel her out first before committing to the kiss.
     
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  3. Pantone185c

    Pantone185c Well-Known Member

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    I think that online dating, especially via okcupid helps you find/matches you up with people you might possibly get along with. Also, a lot of people go into great detail in describing themselves, their likes, dislikes, what they are looking for - so it helps to know right off the bat if you might have things in common before meeting.

    I think - (regarding the woman you're attracted to and her mentioning to hang out soon) - that you should focus on the positive. I see it as a good thing. She showed interest in seeing you again and asked you to text. That's all you can do at this point and as MakeMeLaugh said - just go with the flow. Don't pressure yourself.

    As for my personal online dating timelines: they have varied. I've gone from messaging with a woman back and forth for almost a month (because she REALLY wanted to take things slow), to messaging someone out of the blue and meeting within hours (this being my most recent.)

    I'll tell you this much, whoever likened dating to job interviews was so spot on.

    Online profile: Resume
    First Date: First interview
    if first date went well, you get that second interview! Haha.

    You just gotta keep trying til you find that perfect girl (candidate). Ok, I'll stop now.
     
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  4. begemot

    begemot Active Member

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    Thanks to both of you. :) Said girl is still out of town. We have been texting a tiny bit, but I've decided not to initiate too much and just see if things go anywhere once she gets back. I like her but I guess it is too early to tell. Pantone, I like your comparison to job interviews, though that's part of what makes me nuts about dating as well, since I'm also going through the job application process right now. Another issue I have with online dating is I never really get messages anymore and I put lots of time and thought into writing messages, but don't get responses. I like to think I'm attractive. I'm not a model, but get attention and complements from people. I'm not really sure how to make the most of this whole experience.
     
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  5. Pantone185c

    Pantone185c Well-Known Member

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    You just need patience with the overall online dating experience. These things take time and effort. Don't take it personal if someone doesn't reply. It's discouraging, I know. Believe me, I know. At least you are reaching out and not just sitting by waiting for someone to write to you.

    If you'd like to vent, feel free to write me a PM. I can write a whole damn book about this. ;)

    Hope it works out with the girl you're texting with and good luck on that job search. :)
     
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